What makes a Castle so hard to attack
17:33 Share

Psst. Hey there, smarty pants. Guess who just upgraded to the brand new Apple iTieMachine 14? That's right, me! To break it in, I'm headed back to the Middle Ages, the year 1296 to be exact. I think I may be in England, though I'm not quite sure. Halt, my good sir. Oh, yep, it's England, all right. Hello there, your majesty. Majesty?

Yes, I am King Henry IV, and two-thirds. And this is my queen, Eleanor the Interesting. I presume you're the castle consultant we're meeting with today? Um, no. I'm the trusty narrator from Who Smarted? Who Smarted? Uh...

Well, was that you, Eleanor? But no worries. I'd be happy to help you both. Excellent. We desire to build a castle. But here in the 13th century, castles are still pretty new, so we could use some tips. Well, where I come from, the first rule of real estate is location, location, location. I assume that's true of castles, too. Clever man. Thanks. So, where do you think the best place to build a castle is, specifically?

Smarty Pants? Are you addressing my royal garments? Oh, no, no. I was talking to the Smarty Pants listening. I don't see what patents have to do with the best place to build a castle. Right. Anyway, if you said that the best place to build a castle is either on top of a hill or along a coastline, you're right.

Hmm, and why is that, trusty pants? It's trusty narrator. The word castle comes from the Latin word castlem, which means fortified place. When you're building a home that you'll need to defend against your enemies...

You want to use geography to your advantage. Being on top of a hill or along a coast lets you see any potential enemies coming long before they're on your doorstep or drawbridge. Drawbridge? Oh, I was never good at drawing. Not that kind of drawing, Your Highnesses.

Anyway, I can fill you in on everything you need to know about building your first castle. Like, what are the basic parts of a castle? How do castle dwellers defend themselves during a siege? And why don't you still live in castles today? Why is he asking us, Henry? I'm not. Get ready for another whiff of history and science on... The Smart Egg! The Smart Egg!

Who's Smarted? Who's Smart? Is it you? Is it me? Is it science? Or history? Listen up, everyone! We make smarting lots of fun on Who's Smarted?

Hey, Smarty Pants. Trusty here with a special mission for all the Smarty Pants listening. But unlike a top secret mission, this mission requires you to tell everyone. That's right. Your job is to spread the word about Who Smarted so we can keep growing and bringing you awesome new episodes. To qualify for this mission, let's play a little game. Who do you know that would love Who Smarted but doesn't listen to the show?

Got someone in mind? Great. Question two. Pick one, make a plan, stick to it.

And best of all, complete this not-so-top-secret mission. I'm counting on you, Smarty Pants. The more people you tell, the bigger we grow, which means a lot more smarting for you. Okay, your majesties. Um, do those trumpets have to blow every time I address you? Absolutely. Just checking. Anywho, have you and the Queen given any thought to the style of castle that you'd like to build? Style? Huh?

Castles have styles? Sure. The motte and bailey structure was once very trendy. The motte is a mound of earth that you build your donjon on. Donjon. Donjon? What's a donjon? A donjon is the tall stone tower that's designed to be the strongest and most secure part of your castle. It has to be because that's where you, your family, and friends will live. We're to live in a donjon? It sounds like a dungeon. Dungeon?

Aha! Did you notice that too, Smarty Pants? It turns out the word dungeon comes from dungeon, because they're actually quite similar. Both are cold, dark, damp, and gloomy, and hard to get in or out of.

Of course, people didn't want to associate where they lived with a dungeon, so they started calling the tower in the center of a castle a keep instead. Yes, much less depressing sounding, but you said this style of castle was a motte and bailey. What's a bailey? Oh, bailey is another word for the courtyard around your keep, and it can have all kinds of things in it. If you like shopping, you can build a marketplace for fairs and festivals.

Or you can use the space to train soldiers and horses. Or hold jousting tournaments. If you have a green thumb, you can decorate it with gardens and fountains. Or add stables. A chapel. Or workshops, servants' quarters, and places for your knights to live.

Whatever you want. Hey, it's your money! Speaking of money, this is starting to sound expensive. I'm not gonna lie, constructing a castle from scratch is gonna cost you. Smartypants, about how much of their loot did the average king and queen spend building and maintaining their castle? One-tenth? One-fourth? Or a half? If you said half, you're right. Half my money? Why, that's a king's ransom. More like a money pit.

Oh, well, I do love to decorate, especially bathrooms. Ah, you mean guardrobes. That's what you call bathrooms in a castle, which, I hate to tell you, is pretty much just a bench with a hole in it that drops down to the moat below. Oh! Moving on. How are we looking for closet space? Funny you should ask, sire. In a castle, the bathroom is also the closet. Ah!

You want me to hang my regal garments in the bathroom? My good narrator, I am the queen. Why in the world would I do that? Care to guess, smarty pants? Why did people in castles hang their clothes right next to the toilet? Was it A, so they could get dressed quickly if there was an attack? B, so they had something to change into in case of an accident?

Or C. To keep moths and other insects away from their clothing. Hmm, they all sound plausible to me. Yes, but the answer is C. Turns out bugs find bathroom odors just as repulsive as we do. P.U. That's all well and good, Sir Narrator, but you mentioned defending against enemies earlier.

What kind of security system comes with a new castle? One that's fit for a king and queen. But instead of just telling you about it, why don't I show you? How? There's nothing here but barren land. Today, yes, but not in ten years when your castle is finally built. Here, let's all take a quick hop forward in time. Hold on to your crowns. Ta-da!

Have you ever asked questions like... I wonder who invented toilets? Or... Why do dogs wag their tails? Oh, something.

Then have I got the thing for you. The Brains on Universe, a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. My name is Joy Dolo, and I host a funny and fabulous history show called Forever Ago. We explore the history of everything from bubblegum to how we sent messages before cell phones.

I live in New Zealand, and the Maori people there use smoke signals to send messages. There's also Brains On, a science show where we answer kids' questions like... Do plants sleep? And... Why do some people have asthma? And on the debate game show Smash Boom Best, you get to judge which is cooler, chocolate versus cheese, or Spider-Man versus Batman.

What is Batman's personality? He's a rich guy. Find Forever Ago, Brains On, and Smash Boom Best wherever you get your podcasts. Or head to brainson.org to learn more.

Hey everyone, Trusty here. One of the things I love about hosting Who Smarted is getting to answer all those amazing questions from curious smarty pants. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about another show that does exactly that. Our friend's podcast, But Why? A podcast for curious kids. Have you ever asked something like, why does the wind blow? Or does skyscrapers actually scrape the sky? And you weren't quite sure of the answer?

Well, but why has you covered? They've answered questions from over 16,000 kids across 90 countries, and they're not afraid to tackle any topic, even the gross ones that make grown-ups squirm. I mean, they have whole episodes about poop and making paint from spit and rocks. How cool is that?

Their team gets real experts to answer real questions from real kids like you. So if your family loves learning interesting stuff on Who Smarted? You'll definitely want to check out But Why? You can find But Why? wherever you get your podcasts. Now back to Who Smarted? Um, narrator, does this castle have any defense systems? Should I hide in the bathroom?

I mean, guard robe. Yes to you, king, and no to you, my queen. Castles do have defense systems, and thanks to my advice, you had them all installed. See way down below? That's your moat. The first line of defense for any castle. What do you think a moat is, smarty pants? Is it A, a super high fence? B, a ditch filled with water? Or C, a well-trained dragon?

The answer is B, a water-filled ditch that encircles the entire castle. Yeah, that water really stinks. That's because, like most castle owners, you've been throwing your trash into it.

And it's what your toilet's empty into, remember? Brilliant! No army in their right mind would swim across that disgusting thing. And it'll keep them from tunneling underground into your castle, which was a popular pre-mote strategy. If they try to do that, they'll get pretty wet. Now hold on, trusty. If there's a moat, how do we get in and out of the castle?

Excellent point, my king. Do you know, smarty pants? If you said helicopter, you're wrong. The answer is a drawbridge.

A drawbridge is both a door and bridge that crosses the moat. In fact, your highnesses, your soldiers are lowering the drawbridge now. Um, is that a good idea while we're being attacked? Not at all. But it's the only way I can show you the rest of your castle's security system. Let's teleport down there so we can experience your castle's defenses from the invading army's perspective. Just stay hidden behind me. God save the queen!

Save the king! Charge! Hey, who are you? I'm the trusty narrator. I hope you don't mind if I tag along. Uh, can you wield a sword? No, I'm anti-violence. Plus, it's way too heavy. Fine, just don't get in the way. Luckily, some idiot lowered the drawbridge, giving us a clear path right to the castle courtyard. All we have to do is... Hey, whoa, what the heck?

Aha! Looks like someone just lowered heavy iron gates, called portcullises on either side of you, trapping you in this gatehouse. Ah, good show. Oh boy, at least we're safe in here.

Not quite. This is when the king's archers, armed with the bows and arrows, begin attacking from above. Quick! Somebody tell our archers to attack their archers! Good idea. Except the castle archers are firing through small slits, called arrow loops, that are barely wider than their arrows, so your archers have little chance of hitting them. Ooh, very clever narrator. Aha!

My men just found a doorway into the tower with steps leading up. See you at the top, narrator. Yikes. What do we do now? Follow them. If you notice, the steps leading up to the tower in a castle always go clockwise. Any idea why it's built that way? Not a good time, trusty narrator. Keep fighting, men. Clockwise steps make it harder for right-handed attackers to use their swords because they're blocked by the tower's inner wall.

And since most people are right-handed... Ah, darn it! I keep hitting the wall! ...while the defenders coming down the steps can use the wall as a shield. How clever. Back up, narrator! My men are coming back down! Oh, and look! They've raised the portcullis into the courtyard, men!

Um, doesn't it seem suspicious to you that they let you in here so easily? Nonsense! To the keep, men! Let's get the king and queen! Uh-oh! We're done for! Not quite. What the attackers don't realize is they've made the mistake of fighting under the hoardings. Uh, the what now? The wooden overhangs that run along the top of the walls of the keep. They have holes in their floors that soldiers can use to pour boiling oil through. Ah!

Ow! That burns! Defending armies were known to get creative and used everything from hot sand to tar. Or they'd drop heavy objects like rocks or anvils onto their attackers. Ow! Forget it, men! This castle is too heavily fortified! Retreat! Finally! Okay, back to the roof, smarty pants! Bravo, bravo! Thanks to you, trusty narrator, our castle withstood the attack!

Ah, I bet this castle could survive another thousand years. One thousand? Doubtful. Maybe a hundred, if you're lucky. Why so short? Ever hear of something called a cannon? No, what's that? We need to talk.

Please take a minute now and leave us a five-star Apple review. You might hear it on the show, and it helps us grow. A super shout-out to superfan Henry in Annapolis, Maryland. We hear you love listening to Who Smarted because the trusty narrator is super funny. Well, isn't that super, Henry? This episode, Castles, was written by Steve the Moat Melcher and voiced by Jason Highwalls-Williams, Charlotte the Keep Cone, Adam Dungeon-Davis, and Jerry Colbert. Texts

Technical direction and sound design by Josh Hording-Hahn. Who Smarted? is recorded and mixed at the Relic Room Studios. Our associate producers is Max Crosswall-Kamasky. The theme song is by Brian Stockade-Suarez, with lyrics written and performed by Adam Tex-Davis. Who Smarted? was created and produced by Adam Tex-Davis and Jerry Colbert. This has been an Atomic Entertainment production. Who Smarted?