Affection Is the Fuel of Happy Marriages
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Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Some people have not been raised with any affection. They haven't been taught to be loving and caring.

it wasn't modeled for them. But that's not a reason to withhold loving affection from your spouse. Poop happens in life. People get sick. They have financial struggles. Elderly parents to care for. Your problems may be plentiful, but never a good excuse to withhold affection from the ones you love. Some believe it's their prerogative to shut down when they're annoyed or upset. But I have an important message.

You can't throw poison into a garden and expect it to blossom. And as I explained to my caller, Myra, if you want your spouse by your side through good times and bad, you have to remember to love, honor, and cherish in good times and in bad. And that is expressed primarily through affection.

Steve and Myra, welcome to the program. Hi, Myra. Hi. Hello. Hi. Hi, guys. How long have you been married and how old is everybody?

Um, 10 years married. I am, I think I'm 39. I don't know if I'm 38 or 39. Sorry. My husband, 43. 44. Just got 44. Oh, okay. So Myra, you don't know your date of birth or you just suck at arithmetic?

You know what? I think it's a little bit of everything. I think I just never think about how old I am. I could have sworn I was 38, but I think it's better than I'm 39. You know what, Myra? Keep that attitude. Keep it. Keep it. All right. Any kids? If so, how many? How old? Three kids. We got our oldest is 10, then we got a 7-year-old, and then a 5-year-old now. Okay. Are we revving up for any more? No, no. We're done. We're done. We're done.

Okay. Thank you for your clarity. So how can I be helpful today? Okay. I want my husband to go ahead and start. So I guess I would start by just, we had a disagreement, I'll call it, the other day. And it kind of led into...

you know, hashing up old things and old. Never do that. That's a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, never do that. Okay. New rule. We never hashed over the past. New rule. All right, go ahead. So you hashed over garbage and what came up?

Well, so where it's at now, I saw something today just as I'm trying to kill this in my job and I'm sitting there, I'm kind of scrolling around and I've seen something and it, the cliff notes were that this girl had posted something basically saying, you know, men love the physical touch and, you know, we need it more than just saying I love, you know, whatever. So I sent her the little link and she looked at it and then sent me back and then

And then she sent me screenshots of some of the comments. And what I was seeing was there was kind of a divide between the men and the women comments and what she showed me, like the guy we're talking about. Well, you know, but we don't we tend to shut down if the guys, you know, don't do this. And so basically that is justified for them to not do, you know, that type of thing. And then another comment. Oh, my God. So they were admitting. So they were admitting being punitive.

Kind of crappy women are those. Yeah, but that is justified. Wow. But that is justified, right? Because of whatever. No, of course it's not justified. That's not how you make a love grow. The plant is taking its time to grow or not growing in the right direction, so we throw poison at it and we want to have a garden. I don't think that works. But okay. Right. What is, okay, take a breath, Steve. Take a breath, Steve. Okay, Myra, what's your point of view?

So I was telling him that I was agreeing with those comments that like it's hard for me. And I don't know if those women, you know, are on the same boat or not. But for me, it's hard for me to be affectionate. And although and I guess, you know, to your word, I'm being punitive or whatever. But I told him that I shut down and I can't be affectionate with somebody that like can't get to know me and doesn't do all these things. What the hell are you talking about? Whoa.

What the hell are you talking about, woman? Doesn't get to know you. You've been married a million years with three kids. What the hell are you talking about? He knows you pretty well. He's watched you all these years and how you behave.

He knows you. Well, you know what? When we argue, when we argue, he makes me out. Like, I don't know. I was telling him in the text. Let's go back. Myra. Don't deflect. I won't let you do that. Don't giggle either. The giggling has to stop. I don't care if you're nervous. Stop it. A couple of things you said. We shut off. We shut down. If there's something we don't like, that's cruel and not productive. It is cruel.

Correct. Correct.

And they're just annoying because you don't think you're annoying. I am here to tell you, woman to woman, you're incredibly annoying most of the time because you run on emotion and hormones. And he has to put up with that and still provide for the family and protect. He still he still has to be there to take care of you when you are not adorable.

So for you to say, it's hard for me to do. Who cares if it's hard? You do it anyway. Because you love somebody and you want the relationship to maintain, to get deeper and grow. Nothing is won in a marriage and in a love relationship with shutting down because you're bugged. And women who do that should be left by the wayside. Okay, I gotcha.

I was telling him that, I mean, there's a lot more to the story than just, oh. Then divorce him, take the kids and leave. If you can't be a loving wife because he's so bad, leave him. Go out on your own. Don't date any men because they're all going to be like him. Imperfect. And I mean what I'm saying. If you're going to keep upping the ante now and telling me what a shitty is, get rid of him.

No, I don't think he's, you know, oh my gosh, he's just so horrible. It's not that. I feel really lucky about that I got him. You're not showing it. You are not showing it if you're bugged. Yeah, that's true. That's a bad wife. That's a bad lover. That's a bad spouse.

So either decide you're fortunate to have this man, as imperfect as he is, and you're going to be affectionate and loving because that is what we do. That is love. If you're not going to love him, let him go find somebody else. I think men, the reason I wrote The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is there are too many women like you who think you're entitled to be cold and cruel and withholding with sex and affection if you're bugged, if you've had a bad day.

No, that's not, that would never be the case. No, he knows the disrespect. He knows all the stuff that, you know, he's done. So it's not just like, oh. Okay, turn to him right now. Turn to him right now and ask him if he would like you to be more affectionate more often. Ask him.

No, I wouldn't know the answer. Ask him. Yes. Well, I know that you're brilliant, but ask him anyway, because that's part of love is to find out the other person's needs. So ask him if he needs you to be more affectionate than you allow yourself to be. Ask him. Okay. Do you want me to be more affectionate towards you? Absolutely.

And why do you want her to be more affectionate? And why would you want her to be more affectionate? Well, I love her. I think she knows that. And she's the most important person in my life, obviously, and my kids. And I'm very affectionate. I think she would agree. I was talking to you about this prior. But

that he i think she would read that she's told me that he's just not a i don't know as a affectionate type person just broadly speaking as i am just you know what i mean like independent of me personally but so i love to kiss me you know my kids and and hug and love you know when i have my cat same thing and her the same but i find that as much of the time if i want to hug and love these

land and the kids and she doesn't want to do it you know just and she's even said before like she needs to make more time to and and that's and the thing is i'm not just speaking like you know the adult stuff like you know the private stuff i just actually want to hug her and you know kiss her and you know and just just on the daily and have it be responded okay hold on a second that was very useful information

Okay, Myra, when I'm talking to you, I'm talking to tens of millions of women right now who behave like you. You're lucky enough to have a good man. He'll probably stay with you even if you become terminally bitchy or very ill. Earn it. Never say, you know, I'm just not that way. You're any way you choose to be at any one moment. Well, we don't have enough time. It takes no time to walk behind your husband and kiss him in the neck, grab his tush, smile, and walk away.

Takes no time to give him a hug when he comes through the door, even though you have three kids. But with your three kids, well, I'll ask more about that later if it's necessary. It's your obligation as a spouse. You said you would love, honor, and cherish. And physical touch, affection, is part of cherishing. You made vows to do it. Not, if I feel like it, I will. The vows didn't say,

Unless I'm too tired, bored, or have a pimple. The way he treats you is the way you should be treating him. That's nice. Yeah, I understand. That's nice. And I used to do all those things. And that's what I've tried to explain to him. I used to be flirty with him. He would tell me to just stop. He didn't like when I do that. And I would try to just do things. Like before, like in the very beginning, I used to actually, when he comes to me. So what is the bullshit he just gave you of he'd like you to be more affectionate? That was just bullshit?

It's not. It's just I kind of don't know how to be fortunate because the way that I know how to be affectionate, he's turned it down in the past. So now that's good. That's very useful. OK, when you hear my voice, stop talking. That's very useful. So what are the ways that you showed affection? Tell me.

That he didn't like. So when it comes to being flirty, when it comes to being flirty, I don't know what that means. Tell me the behaviors. Tell me the behaviors. Oh, well, yeah, I know. When I used to be flirty, I used to grab on him. I mean, he didn't want me grabbing his package, but that was my way of being flirty. And he said he didn't like that. Okay. Can you stop for a minute? That's not being affectionate.

That's not being affectionate. No, of course that's not being affectionate. That was being flirty. No, that was my definition. But we're not talking about being flirty. He wants hugs. Oh, okay. I thought you wanted the whole rundown. He wants kisses. Okay, no. When it comes to being affectionate, yeah, I used to greet him first thing when he used to come to the door. Okay, so Steve, she says you're lying. Yeah.

Right. So what I think she's talking about is when I had a different job and when I was out working all day, one thing I ever said was when I come in the door, I just want to get situated first before, you know, anything, right? Like, I want to come in and be able to sit down and not have to be hit with, it's not even that I, first of all, I never recall her.

I never recalled turning her affection down when I came in. Well, that's not affection. That's a sexual come on. So some of this are you misunderstanding each other. So if you had another job and you were tired when you came home and she met you at the door with a kiss and said, I missed you all day, you would have turned that down.

No, absolutely not. That's not what ever happened. She's talking about like when she would be just farting around. Okay, but you know, Myra, we never talked about being flirty here. You brought that up. We talked about being affectionate. And the things he mentioned as he was talking was hugging, kissing, sweet things, not grabbing his giblets. Okay, that's a whole different area. Yes.

So what I'd like you and all women to remember from this moment on, because I think there is a lesson you need to learn, Myra, is that no matter how tired or annoyed, there's benefit in a hug and a kiss. There's no benefit in cold. Imagine yourself 80 and infirm and not wanting to be alone. So how would you treat a man between now and then to better ensure you won't be alone when you're old?

looking down the barrel of illness and death. It isn't going to be by saying, I'm sorry, I turn off when I'm annoyed. It's not,

how you increase your chances that you won't be alone. Just throwing that in, because I think the whole feminist movement, your mother, your sister, your cousins, all of these have made it sound like you do what you feel. If you don't feel like it, you don't have to do it. And that is very negative for marriages. You both have to do it, whether you feel it or not. Because without that physical connection, people don't stay connected.

They really don't. Coming home, playing with the kids, eating dinner, going to bed, watching a movie, that doesn't keep people connected. Touch does. Frankly, it's the only thing that ensures a connection feeling. Only thing. Ask any kitty cat, ask any puppy. It's the touch. That's why when we pet our animals, our blood pressure goes down. We're impacted by touch. Our hormones and our brains change when we're impacted by touch.

So I urge you to make, both of you, make touching the highest priority in this relationship. The highest. And I thank you both. That was kind of fun. But you could see I grabbed his doodads. Well, that's really not affection. That's a horny come on. And it's not the same thing as the tender gentle. We can live a lot longer with less crotch grabbing than we can with less touching. Yes, I just said that.

I have to take a break now, but it's a good time for you to text your spouse that you've been thinking about them in that huggy, kissy way. And I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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With savings up to 30% off and fast carbon neutral shipping, you get top trusted groceries at your door and you can stop worrying about what your kids get their hands on. Start shopping at thrivemarket.com slash podcast for 30% off your first order and a free gift. Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Marriages cannot thrive without affection, which is different from a sex drive. Between the two, sex drive and affection drive, the kissing and touching is way more important.

Being hugged and touched is everything in life. It helps people feel bonded, connected, safe, satisfied. The more you share comforting touch with one another, the more solid your bond becomes. When you stop those connecting behaviors, you seriously risk losing, if not damaging, your marriage. You've heard me ask callers how they want to live between now and dead.

I don't know anyone who's answered that they would like to live the rest of their lives feeling disconnected from love. When I spoke to Jim, he was trying to come to terms with what the rest of his life might look like with a wife who didn't have the touchy-feely gene. Jim, welcome to the program. Hey, Dr. Laura, nice to talk with you. Thank you. What's up? I have a question about, and I think it's my...

The intimacy or lack thereof in my marriage. Are we talking about sex? Are we talking about being openly vulnerable in talking about our feelings and thoughts? Which one is it? Sex or intimacy? Okay, thank you. Go ahead. Not just sex. It's just hard for my wife to...

If she walks through the kitchen or if I'm walking by her, I always raise her on the shoulder or give her a little kiss. But that's really hard for her to do. What makes giving somebody a little peck or touching them on their shoulder hard for anybody to do? Tell me what makes that hard for anybody to do. Well, her... Her... Not excuse, but her...

explanation because we've talked about that a lot in couples therapy etc is um she was not raised uh in a touching family it's not something that's done that's so irrelevant to the therapist buy that crap and let it stay and and be sympathetic to her did the therapist actually take that position uh somewhat yes

Then you went to the wrong therapist. What the therapist should have said is, well, that's too bad that you didn't come from a kissy-huggy family, but you married somebody who would very much appreciate it because it's a normal way for human beings to show caring about each other and to bond. So how about this? Two of you stand up. Okay, honey, you walk by him and give him a kiss on the cheek. That's it. And then move on in the rest of the room. Oh my God, did you die? Did you have a panic attack?

Did it kill you? That's what the therapist should have done. But most of you are paying for lousy therapy. So I'm going to give you a tape of this call, put you on hold, and you can play it for your wife. Unbelievable. The therapist was sympathetic to that. Honey, it's sad that you didn't have that, but it's sadder still that you would withhold it from someone you said you would love, honor, and cherish simply because you didn't get it.

You're not comfortable? How about learning to be comfortable with it? How about the more you do it, the more it will be comfortable, and you know what? You'll even start enjoying it. But to receive and never to give is not love. It's self-centeredness. God, we're hitting a bunch of very important concepts here today. She got away with that. It's just not the way it was. So? Not the way it was. Was the way it was good or bad? Bad.

Hmm. Then why would you want to repeat it for yet another generation? Because it makes me uncomfortable. And I got to tell you, when women use the word uncomfortable, people for five, six, 10 miles around go, oh, well, then you don't have to do it. Women should not be ever uncomfortable. Please. I'm going to take a break, which gives you some time to imagine.

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No, I do not agree with the approach Jim's therapist took, but I do believe that a good sex therapist can help resolve sex and intimacy issues, help a husband learn how to act like his wife's boyfriend again, help a wife act like her husband's girlfriend. Only good things come from bringing back the sweet tenderness you used to share. So I highly recommend getting the help you need. Sensuality.

is the fuel of a happy marriage and personal well-being. Two people who are willing to give to one another even when they're upset, angry, depressed, hurt, annoyed, when they give affection and convey love no matter what, that's not only the greatest gift, but it splashes back and makes you feel a lot better. I wrote a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage because you really have to feed your marriage to make it thrive.

So be more flirty, be more playful. Give back rubs, foot rubs, soaks in the tub, hold hands, touch feet while you're in bed. Bring back the fun so you can live sensually and happily ever after with the one you love. Now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.

And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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