Are You Wasting Your Childbearing Years?
29:21 Share

Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today.

Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. I've been with someone, dating someone for the past four years, and I want to know how long should I wait for someone, I guess, to pop the question or to finally settle down. You're two years too late. Two years too late. Yeah. Yeah.

So it should be two years, but not two years ago. You know what I don't understand? You probably have had more sex with him than the ten people on the same block in which you live. You're probably right. You could never say to him, I'm in this relationship at this point to marry you. Is this what's on your plate? Yes. But you'll screw his brains out, but you don't have the courage to ask a question.

You get naked and hang upside down from a chandelier and do it. But you won't ask this question. So you've wasted four years with a guy who loves to screw you but has no intention of marrying you. Sex is very bonding to a female. That's our biology. Once a woman has sex, hormones flood her body, flood her mind, leading her to perceive that the relationship is actually meaningful.

This phenomenon is one of the reasons a woman might stick with a relationship that's not going in the direction she wants or anybody should want. Men, on the other hand, are more about things they have to work hard for. That's how the male psyche works. So, we have women giving up sexual favors with no real commitment.

Holding on to relationships simply because they feel inappropriately bonded, even if the guys aren't treating them with the love, kindness, or respect they desire. It's a problem, especially for young women who envision themselves someday becoming wives and mothers.

In the very, very, very olden days, men bedded bad girls, married good girls. But these days, all girls seem to be, in the traditional sense, bad. It's hard for guys to distinguish between the girls you play with and the ones you settle down with, when just about every girl will jump into bed with them as a normal part of initial dating.

Can't really blame young women for believing it's fine to have sex within days of meeting and then shacking up and giving men all the comforts that traditionally come with marriage. Yeah, no big deal. That's the liberal belief system that so many have been raised with. What most women fail to understand, if shacking up in marriage were the same level of commitment, getting married wouldn't be an issue. However...

I discussed with my caller, Catherine, when you shack up, you're contributing to a society of men who don't put women on pedestals and who don't feel responsible for them. Catherine, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. How are you? Good. Thank you. Good. It's really great to talk to you today.

Thank you. What can I do for you? I am calling because I have a recent incident that has happened in my eight-year relationship. I'm not married, but I do consider the person I'm with the partner that I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life. May I ask then why there wasn't the formality of a marriage?

It hasn't happened yet. It's been something we discuss. Ma'am, eight years of dating is kind of silly. You're right. I agree with you. So why would a woman tolerate that? You know, it's come to my attention in the last few years that it's not something that I should have tolerated. I was very young when we got together. And how old were you when you got together? Because it's eight years later. Twenty-two.

That's not that young. Now you're 30. Yes, I'm 30 now and he's 38. A guy having access to your mind, body, and soul without any commitment to you. Right. Why would you have tolerated that? That's a very good question that I can't answer. Well, you're the only one who can. So just take a moment and think. I honestly have not wanted to pressure him. I would have been ready at any point. That desperate. What made you that desperate?

I guess just being very in love. No, no, please. Don't throw love there. I've been very dependent on him. And I think me giving some sort of ultimatum to him. No, not an ultimatum. Walking away. Without an ultimatum? Yes. Who wants to marry a man you have to threaten into marrying you? I guess no one. No one.

A man who isn't falling over himself to lay down his life for you doesn't want to lay down his life for you. An ultimatum marriage is generally end in divorce. Your parents have stood by and said nothing? Oh, no, they have said plenty. And why what they had to say has no weight? Well, um...

I don't, I've tried to explain to them my reasoning behind it, and of course. And what did you explain to them? Well, I've told them, you know, there's things that in my life that I wanted to get straight and accomplished before getting married. And what did you want to get accomplished that one could not accomplish while married? Well, I'm sure that there's things that I could accomplish while married. Like what? I want to know what specifically it is. What could I have more accomplished if I were not married?

There's nothing you can accomplish, I guess, while you're not married or are married. Well, but that was the argument you gave your parents, so I'm asking you to defend it. Well, I just thought that I should be more financially stable on my own before marrying him so that I could have something to fall back on for myself.

And I wanted to be able to contribute to the marriage just as much as he could. And I hadn't been able to do that for myself yet. So I thought that I should give that some time beforehand. So I hadn't really said anything. Are you living on your own? No, he and I live together. So you're shacking up with him. So all this stuff about...

All this stuff. Okay, go ahead. So your question for me is? My question for you is, I have been out of work for about a year now, and he has basically taken care of me financially. And, um...

I have been very down during this time. And obviously with him taking care of me financially, he's given me credit cards or debit cards and things like that. And in his eyes, I've been overspending. And he's been very upset with me about this. And recently it has been brought to my attention that he cheated on me. Oh, no, no, you can't cheat when you're shacking up.

No, no, no. You can't say he cheated. He can have sex with a different woman every night. There are no rules to shack-ups. That's why people do that instead of marrying, because there are no rules. So he did not cheat on you. There is no vows that he's taken to you. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, you could have had four illegitimate kids with him. He can still have sex with whoever he wants, and so can you, because there is no commitment, no vows.

That's shacking up. There are no rules. So I can't be upset about it? No, you have no right to be upset at all. Wow. Okay. Well, I have been very hurt by this. Well, get over yourself, woman, because there's no commitment. He has the right to screw anybody he wants. It's just after eight years, he'd never... It doesn't matter how many years you've been shacking up. It doesn't matter.

There are no vows, no rules. He can screw around, and you can too, all you want. I guess I never wanted to. I don't care if you wanted to. I didn't ask you if you wanted to. I just said you had the right to. Right. Okay. So you have no right to be upset. I have no right to be upset. Okay. No. None. Zero. So do you think this relationship has any chance of survival? No. No? No.

And why is that? Because neither one of you has any commitment. You're desperate and dependent, and he's starting to get tired of you. You think he's tired of my dependence? No, I think he's tired of you. Married couples are mutually interdependent. If it's a traditional household, she's dependent upon him earning a living, bringing it home.

so we can pay the bills and support food and medicine. He's dependent upon her to take care of his children and make the house a home. They are interdependent. They are not both earning $100,000 each. They are interdependent like people who put together a car. Somebody puts on the steering wheel, somebody puts on the hood, somebody puts on the windshield wipers. They are interdependent. Well, that's how it's been. I've been home. No, dear, there is no commitment. You know what? I don't want to have to keep saying that.

There's no commitment. He can have sex or throw you out tomorrow, and you have no right to be upset. You can be upset, but you'd have no right to be upset. Okay. All right. I'm just, I don't understand that. I think there's... What is it you don't understand? I just think that, you know, if you are... No, no, no. What I don't understand is, finish the sentence, what I don't understand is... What I don't understand is how there can't be a commitment.

It's called marriage. Outside of marriage. No, there isn't. That's why people avoid marriage. If it were the same thing, you wouldn't avoid it. If it were the same thing, he wouldn't avoid it. If they were the same, nobody would avoid it. So when people avoid it, it means they damn well know it's not the same. All right, I have to take a break. You know that old saying, why would a man buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?

Well, stop thinking of yourself as a cow and think of yourself as a lovely, desirous, competent, sweet woman. Don't you want him to have to rise to that occasion? Think about that. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

Introducing Instagram teen accounts. A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow. Like making sure they've got the right gear for riding. Knee pads. Check. And helmet. Done. See you, Dad. New Instagram teen accounts. Automatic protections for who can contact your teen and the content they can see.

Every business has unique needs. Perhaps your business needs a better way to manage cash flow, help protect against fraud, or efficiently bank online. Or maybe you're on a roll and ready to expand. Whatever your business needs, Atlantic Union Bank pairs modern technology with knowledgeable bankers dedicated to making banking for your business easier. Call, visit us online, or drop into an Atlantic Union Bank branch today. Atlantic Union Bank. Any way you bank.

Okay, we've got Katie's project, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Huh.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.

Have you experienced serious complications with a Perigard IUD, like breakage or fracture? You're not alone. Keller Postman is here to help. Tap the banner now for a free case review. We're helping women hold manufacturers accountable. If eligible, you may be entitled to compensation of up to $200,000. Don't wait. Tap now or visit iudinjury.com slash audio to see if you qualify. Your health matters and justice is within reach.

Tap the banner or visit iudinjury.com slash audio to get started today. This is attorney advertising. Dr. Laura's much deeper deep dive podcast. If you want to be someone's woman, a wife and the mother of his children, then you need to act in a way that commands respect. Feminism may tell you that you're free to have sex and shack up and do whatever the heck you want.

But do you understand how happy men are when they realize that they can get what they want and not take any responsibility at all? If you really want to be able to settle down and have a child someday, don't sell yourself short. That's what I explained to Gina when we talked about the reasons she was allowing herself to be robbed of her reproductive years. Gina, welcome to the program. Hi. Hi, Gina. How are you?

What can I do for you, Gina? I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for solidly the past three years. We're 15 years apart. We've been friends for almost six years now. And he's promised me marriage and kids, and I feel that we have become stagnant. Tell me, just off the top of your head, without any deep thought...

Why does a man keep promising a woman marriage and not follow through? What do you think his motivation is? Just off the top of your head, not this guy and not you. Just off the top of your head, why would any guy do that? Just off the top of your head. To keep someone around. Okay. I think that's a really good analysis. Now, next question. You ready for the next one? Let's see if you're good twice. You ready? Okay.

Yeah. What kind of a woman hangs around with an old dude who keeps promising marriage and doesn't follow through? What's her problem? Yeah, it's a big problem. No, no, no. This is not you. This is just in general off the top of your head. This is not you. Yeah, I would say she has some problems. What do you mean she has some problems? Maybe she's being, I guess...

to what she's hearing or she's in denial. And what puts, just in general, off the top of your head, this has nothing to do with you, why would a woman in her 30s choose denial over finding a good man? Just off the top of your head, this is not you. Yeah, it's insecurity. What does insecurity mean, actually? I'm not sure what it means. The fear of...

I don't know. I don't know why. No, off the top of your head. This is not about you. Yeah, no, I don't know why someone would say. You know, you start, listen to me. You started to explain it to me. You scared the crap out of yourself and ran away. Yep. So stop running away from your life because at some point your life's going to be over and you're going to look back with huge regrets. And I'm here to try to help you change that. Do you understand?

Absolutely. At some point in your life, there'll be the river of no return. Yeah, I'm starting to realize that very, very clearly. So let's go back to off the top of your head. What kind of insecurity would this woman be talking about? Not about you. I guess hanging on to a false hope. Yes, but why would a woman hang on to false hope when she's wasting time and not getting her needs met?

And not making herself available to a nice guy. Yeah, she's got to wake up. No, it has nothing to do with waking up. Want me to put it in one word? Please. Unworthy. Yeah, okay. Now, what do you think would make a woman feel unworthy for a good man? Her own, that's, I mean, I don't know. Yes, you do. You most certainly do.

I guess maybe of past situations or doubts. You mean she didn't learn anything from past situations? Well, I hope so. Okay, let's... Obviously not. But we're not talking about you. But if we were, explain to me the extent of your self-criticalness. Very self-critical. Give me a list. And this is about you. I am self-critical. I impart on myself.

Yes, I know that. But what is there to criticize? Not much. I'm disappointed in being where I'm still at. A list usually consists of more than one item. Well, I've had troubles of my own in my past, and maybe because of those things I felt unworthy because I was not worthy enough in my own well-being. And now...

I've grown to become well enough in my own body. No, you haven't. You're still with him. That's the proof that you're not. That's the proof that you're not. You're still self-loathing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So let me give you a street map. Okay. And it bifurcates. One road goes one way. The other road goes the other way. Okay? Yeah. Let me tell you the two roads. And then you're going to hang up and think about which one you want to take. Okay. Okay.

Okay, first road is you continue the road you're on. No lefts, no rights, no traffic circles, nothing. You just continue, okay? Yeah. The other road is you immediately cease and desist all contact with him and you get counseling. Yes. So that we can change this unworthiness into self-compassion. Yes. What did I say we have to change into what? Read it back to me. Unworthiness into self-compassion.

Right. Those are the two roads. Yes. Two very different roads. Very different roads. Do you need me to repeat them or are you good? I'm very good and I am so, so appreciative that I got to speak with you. Thank you. Now, I don't want your answer now. I want you to hang up and make a decision. Okay. That is going to pattern the rest of your life.

And I don't want you ever on the river of no return. It was a good movie, though. But I don't want you on that river. Absolutely. I do not like the sound of that. No. No. Okay. All right, sweetheart. Thank you for your call. Years and years of dating with no ring. No marital date. No real plan for the future. It's pretty silly, don't you think? You will probably feel hurt and a little lost sometimes.

If you were to break up, probably embarrassed too. But you know what? That's okay. I want you to be embarrassed and it won't last long. Embarrassment lasts days, but it can save you from wasting more years. That was my message to 22-year-old Ashlyn in this call. Ashlyn, welcome to the program. What can I do for you? Well, this one is an interesting one. I'm

needing some of your advice. So we'll get into it. I've been in a long-term relationship for about four years now and getting to the point where talking about marriage and taking the next steps. Recently, we had a conversation where he said that he was about fairly certain that

that we were going to take that next step. I'm sorry, do you know what fairly certain means? Yes or no? Come on, we need communication. Nobody can see your face, so I need you to answer in words, okay? Do you know what fairly certain means? Yes. Fairly certain means not all the way convinced. No, means nothing. It's a put-off. Okay. He has to give up Nookie if he tells you the truth, doesn't he? Yes. Okay. Okay.

Four years. How old are you? 27. And how old is he? 34. How embarrassed would you be to walk away? Your parents probably said something. Your friends probably said something. And you went, no, no, no, no, no. So I'm just wondering, how embarrassed would you be if they were right? Well, that's why I'm calling. The question is, how embarrassed would you be? That's an important question. Seriously. Seriously.

Because a lot of times women stick with stupid stuff because they're embarrassed to look like they failed. Yes. And to me, failure at this point more looks like you staying than leaving. But in your head, it may not be so. So how embarrassed are you going to be if you walk away? Well, I'm very embarrassed because he said that he wasn't sure and needed some space and then said he...

wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me and ended the relationship. He never intended to. Don't get excited. He never intended to, which is why when you push the envelope, he's out of here. You didn't listen to the people who warned you. The people who know you very well and who are nice people, not just opinionated jerks, but nice people warned you, I'm sure of it. And you didn't listen.

And you wasted four years. And probably now, you're going to walk around the face of the earth saying, I don't trust men. Most likely, yes. But it has nothing to do with men. It has to do with you not choosing wisely. There are a lot of men out there. Some will use you for five years before they dump you. He only used you for four. Some are just terrific guys. But you didn't listen and you didn't choose wisely.

So if you're now going to unwisely lean back on embarrassment, how much more of your life do you want to throw away? None. Good. So I suggest you get with everybody who warned you and say, damn, you were right. I think that's correct. You should do that immediately because you'll get support immediately, instantly. And right now you need support because you're feeling like an idiot.

So with support, you won't feel that way. You'll feel cared about. And if somebody says, I told you so, yeah, next time I'll listen more. Just give it up and you're going to feel so much better. Don't hide this. Don't hide this. It'd be like meat turning bad. You know what I mean? Don't hide this. Yeah. I was hoping that this was a quarter-life crisis situation.

facing, you know, fear of commitment type meltdown. Come on, you read too much pop site crap. There are people who just use other people. Okay. You don't have to be scared of commitment to not want it because you're selfish. Yeah, I agree with that. Okay, then don't punish yourself over this, dear. You're very young and you wasted four years, I'll give you that, but you're very young and you spent most of that time being too young to

to get tough about this decision. You just didn't choose wisely. He's older. I wonder if he's good looking. He has money. He has a nice car. Makes you feel good. He's great in bed or maybe not. I don't know, whatever. But no, someday you're going to make a wise choice. This wasn't it. So let's get this one off our back and off our chest. Call your mother, call whoever said, not a good idea. Call anybody and go, damn, you were right. Let me hear you go, damn, you were right. Let me hear you do that.

Damn, you were right. I have to take a break now, but this gives you time to think if you're using and abusing these beautiful, important days of your life on a dream or, frankly, a nightmare. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

Life is full of exciting moments. Whether you're buying a new home, opening an account as you welcome a new family member, or planning for retirement, you need a bank that's there when it matters. At Atlantic Union Bank, you'll find helpful people and digital tools to make banking for all of life's moments a little easier. Because you deserve a financial partner who cares as much as you do. Call, visit us online, or drop by a branch to learn more. Atlantic Union Bank. Any way you bank.

Pandora makes it easy for you to find your favorite music. Discover new artists and genres by selecting any song or album and we'll make you a personalized station for free. Download on the Apple App Store or Google Play and enjoy the soundtrack to your life.

Okay, we've got Katie's projects, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Huh.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. Have you experienced serious complications with a Perigard IUD, like breakage or fracture? You're

You're not alone. Keller Postman is here to help. Tap the banner now for a free case review. We're helping women hold manufacturers accountable. If eligible, you may be entitled to compensation of up to $200,000. Don't wait. Tap now or visit iudinjury.com slash audio to see if you qualify. Your health matters and justice is within reach. Tap the banner or visit iudinjury.com slash audio to get started today. This is attorney advertising. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep.

One of the stupidest things a woman can do is throw away her reproductive years on a man who never proposes. You might think if you give enough love, enough sex, enough time, things will just miraculously, spontaneously change. Yeah, but you're not going to change a man. You can't make him be the kind of guy you want. In about two years of dating, a couple should know whether it's time to get engaged or time to move on.

If you're in a relationship that's not moving in any constructive, happy direction, let me help you think through your next steps. Give me a call at 1-800-DR-LAURA or go to drlaura.com and make an appointment to speak with me now.

Go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. Try angel stuff for your tushy. It's angels. Soft and strong, budget friendly. The choice is simple or all.

Angel Soft.