(Divorced) Home For the Holidays
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Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. It never fails. In the months leading up to the holidays, I start getting calls from listeners looking for ways to deal with impending family dramas. What should be a joyous time of reunion can sometimes feel like a burden, especially when there have been divorces and remarriages.

My listener, Kate, emailed me with a story of her family's struggles and shared the solution she and her husband came up with to cope with the family holiday stress. She wrote, Dear Dr. Laura, I know it's a little early for a Christmas story, but I wanted to share this in case it helps someone else this season.

When my husband and I were first married, we had to travel 500 to 600 miles to visit both families and all the sub-families resulting from our parents' divorces. By the end of Christmas Day, I was usually in tears from the stress and strain.

One year, I was heavily pregnant at Christmas time. Our son was born in January. And later that year, my husband put his foot down, saying we would no longer travel those long distances. If families wanted to see us, they would have to come to our house and get along with each other. We didn't hear a lot of complaining about this, although the visits were few and far between, and that was okay.

Because that enabled us to start our own traditions, which we continue to this day. Our son is now in college, and we look forward to having him home for Christmas. And it suits us just fine that it's a small gathering.

Obviously, I married a real man who put the protection and support of his family above the wishes of our relatives. I hope others think about doing this as well so the season isn't full of undue family stress. One of the best things you can do to alleviate stress during the holidays is to have the courage to not go anywhere that makes you unhappy.

Make a plan to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter, Passover, any day the way you want to. These are reasons to eat, drink, and be merry, and you're not obligated to be anywhere you don't want to be. That was my advice to Christina when she called. Christina, welcome to the program. Hi. Hey, what can I do for you? Well, that's funny that the previous caller was about divorced families because I am a

product of a divorced family with my parents and it did not go well. So I completely agree with what you say. And that's kind of why I'm calling. During the holidays, it gets very stressful as a daughter with a divorced parent who don't like to be in the same room together. And

Sorry, I have to breathe. Okay, now is either one of them at danger being in the same room together? No. It's just not comfortable for them. Okay, I have an opinion about this situation in general, and you can wrap yourself around it for personal, okay? Divorced parents have no right to put this pressure on their children. No right whatsoever. My opinion is that you don't go to one place and other place and drag your kids around.

My opinion is you have something at your house and you invite everybody and whoever doesn't want to come won't show up. At the same time. Then, yes. And if one of them doesn't show up, can I finish my thought, please? If one of them doesn't show up and complains to you, you need to say, you need to love me, my spouse and my kids and my dog more than you hate your ex. Write that down if you have to. You need to love me more

my husband, my kids, and my dog more than you hate each other. You either show up or you don't show up. That's it. I'm having it at my house. It's Tuesday at 4. That's it. You act like a grown-up. You are now the matriarch of your own family. You do not play their hateful game. You do not do that anymore. You are not their kid anymore. You are the matriarch of your family. Do you understand who you are now? Yes.

Then act like it. Your husband needs to know that you're a woman enough for this. I know. That's the conversation we have. You took vows to love, honor, and cherish, not kiss your parents' asses. So then what do I do with a mother who's so sensitive because I'm not taking her feelings into consideration? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. You do nothing about her feelings. That's her job. She has controlled you with her feelings.

She has made you feel guilty and responsible for her feelings. You have to stop that. That's abuse. She is abusing you with her feelings. She's upset about it. She'll have to figure out what to do. She can have a glass of wine. She can meditate. She can go to church. She can see a therapist. She can learn to climb mountains. There's lots of things she can do with her feelings.

But you swore in front of God and a minister that you were going to love, honor, and cherish. And you're not honoring your husband by kissing your parents' asses. Okay. Was that a good enough argument? Yes. Excellent. If I can just put you in my pocket and have you by my side. Make believe. Make believe I am.

I do sometimes, actually. But, okay. Then do that. When you tell your parents, this is the time you're coming and you're both invited, and they do their S-H-I-T, let them. Let them. And that's when you come out with the, I want you to love me and my husband and my kids and my dog more than you hate each other. There's no answer to that. Yeah. Okay. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Yeah. Don't be abused by her little emotional words.

That's actually adult child abuse, I call it. Okay. No one's a danger. They just don't like each other. Too bad. You adults, get along. I'm going to take a break and contemplate how I can make the next holiday better for everyone. You do the same thing. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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You're on Cricket. Cricket 5G requires a compatible device and is not available everywhere. Discount varies by line. Fees may apply. Terms and restrictions apply. See cricketwireless.com for details. Dr. Laura's Lunch Deeper. Deep Dive Podcast. Once you get married and have children of your own, your job is to take care of them, your immediate family, not to cater to the chaos created by your extended families. Unfortunately, people often let their emotions about their familial situations take over.

instead of using logic to lay out how they could handle the day. That was what happened to my listener, Karen, before she called for my advice. Karen, welcome to the program. Yes, thank you. Thanks for taking my call. Hi. What's up?

I did a bad thing at Thanksgiving, and I need to know if you would advise me. What's the bad thing? Bad thing? What's the bad thing? My bad thing is I got there. My father and his wife had left before Thanksgiving started.

started and I lost it and I called my mother-in-law I guess is what I my stepmother

and told her to please give my dad the phone because I needed to speak with him. And she got a little flippant about it, and I used language that I probably shouldn't have, I should not have, a truck driver should not have. But then she handed the phone to my dad, and I kind of let a lot of things out that I've been kind of not letting out, and told him he needed to get back to Thanksgiving with his family.

He had gone to his home where she had her son in. Wait a second. If he's married to somebody else, then when you say his family, what do you think that means to him? And I'll give you an answer. Whoever a man is sleeping with is his family. Yeah. And I have been, and we all have, I'm the youngest of five, and we're all very close. We've all been very intimate.

Very generous with not spending, you know, as much time with our father as we used to. We've had a Thanksgiving for 20 some years at the same day, the same time. The same my sister-in-law's house. And she. Can you not? I don't understand what you're talking about. Things have changed.

I'm aware of that. And like I said, I've been very generous. I'm an out-of-towner. I don't get to see my dad very frequently. I drove in. He's not at our Thanksgiving and didn't tell me that he wasn't going to be there. Left before I got there. When was the last time you had spoken to him before Thanksgiving? We don't speak frequently. Maybe every other week.

And he didn't mention that he wasn't going to be there. And I had his grandchildren and my husband. I think your real problem is that your expectations are unreasonable and you've got to yank them back. That being angry and yelling and going through a list of very reasonable and very true complaints, you have to ratchet back your expectations.

Right. I agree. Don't expect him to be there. If you'd like to apologize for anything you've said, you can call and apologize. You have my permission. But that is not your problem. Your problem is you're not accepting the way things are. Oh, exactly. Yeah, I see that. No but. No but. No but. No but. No but. No, no, no. No buts allowed. You either see it or you don't. You can't see it but.

Right. Yeah, I get what you're saying, and you're correct. Your father doesn't care as much about you and your kids as he does about his new family. Okay. Now let me hear you say it. Oh, my father doesn't care about me and my children as much as he does his wife's children and their grandbabies. Well, then your expectations have to change dramatically, and then you won't be disappointed.

Because the difference between expectation and reality is the space in which disappointment grows. You make that smaller, there's less disappointment. Okay. Okay. That all makes sense. I totally agree. I don't like it. I don't. Ma'am, I think you're very reasonable to not like it. Okay. But it's the way it is because that's who he is. Mm-hmm.

Of course you don't like it. You'd like a nice intact family with grandma, grandpa and everything cozy around the table with way, way, way too much gravy on the mashed potatoes. I get that. But you're not lucky enough to have it. Right. Can I just one more? You can fight me some more. Go ahead. Oh, I'm not fighting. I'm not. No, I totally agree with that. Okay, think for a moment. Is anything going to change in what I'm saying to you by what you're going to tell me now?

No, but it's maybe you can help me mature in another way. Okay, what would that be? You know, like I said, I'm the youngest of five. She has two children. Neither of them, they won't be in the same house together. And I've not been... What does this have to do with your maturity? This is none of your business. This is his new marriage and her weird kids. Who cares?

They're weird. And I feel like she's, and I know a lot of kids. Stop with it already. Stop. It's not your family. Leave them alone, even in your own mind. Don't think about her. Don't think about her kids. Okay. And they're old. Don't talk about them. Don't talk about them. Don't even talk about them.

I want to meet them. That's all. Okay. I want to meet them. Okay. And she keeps everything very separate. Yeah. I think that's a really bad idea. Can you just get on with your life, please? Stop looking for more trouble. I just want to spend more time with my dad. That's not going to get you on the ends with him. And don't tell me that's not your intent. I know better. No. No, my dad is crying over what I said. Karen? Karen? Mm-hmm.

i'm going to give up with you pretty soon but first i'm going to just do a little bit more with you okay but then i'm going to give up okay yeah all right do it okay did you say anything that was incorrect no it was all then you have then then let him cry i'm happy to know he cried about the truth okay i heard his feelings good i'm glad it hurt his feelings that means he is somewhat human oh he's very human

Okay. I may use a better word then. I'm glad he has some conscience. How do you like, you like that better? Yeah. Good. He has some microscopic bit of conscience. Okay. So I don't need to apologize, right? No. If it was all true, no. About the language. My delivery was terrible. I don't care if you said F you. I did. I did. He earned it. Did he not earn it? Tell me the truth. Did he earn it? I think so. Well then.

Let it be. I used everything. Okay. Let it be. Let it be. All right. You're awesome. Only on Thursdays, but that's very sweet of you to say. No, no. No, you're awesome. You're always right, and you help me. Oh, Lord, can you call my son and tell him that? Your mother is always right. He'll roll his eyeballs.

The holidays can bring feelings of sadness and loss. Maybe, maybe like Karen, you feel replaced by a parent's new family members. Maybe you have negative memories from childhood, long-standing sibling rivalries, hard feelings after a divorce or remarriage. Well, now is a good time to give up that tug of war and understand that things, those things are not going to change.

Okay, okay to be sad, but don't let it ruin things with the friends and family you do have by your side. Now, what if you yourself are divorced or divorcing and you have children? What can you be doing during the holidays to help avoid adding more chaos and stress to your kids' lives? That was a question that prompted Jim to call me. Jim, welcome to the program. Yeah. Hi, Dr. Laura. How are you today? Good. What can I do for you?

I'm a longtime listener, and I've read a number of your books. I have a need of advice. I'm recently divorced from my wife, and I have two daughters, 11 and 9. Oh, my God. Why are you getting divorced with little kids? What's that about? Well, my wife is the one that wanted a divorce. Why? Why would she want to give up my beloved Jim?

Yes, that's what I say. About three years ago, she started having an affair with an old boyfriend, and then I tried to do what you had said and kind of look away and move forward and just stay married for the sake of the kids. And then last year, she got involved with another old friend or person or whatever. And both these people are out of town, by the way. But anyway, so...

I was still trying to hold everything together. At any point in all of this, did you ever say this is not good for you to do to these kids? Yeah. Did you ever say that? And what was, please tell me what her answer was.

She said she thought they would be okay, that they would adjust. And I, you know, like it was, but she, but she. Okay, forget it. She was just very self-serving. Okay. What can I do for you? No, I mean, so, you know, like, no, at one point I said, well, if you really feel this way, why don't you just move out then? And she said, well, no, I don't want to ruin their Christmas. And I said, well, you're going to ruin their life. I mean, what the, you know.

Great. Great. What's Christmas next to the rest of their lives? Yeah. Right. Right. But now. So now here we are and we're divorced. And my question is, she wants me to come to her family's Thanksgiving celebration. Is one of her new studs going to be there? No, no, no, no. As far as I know. You know my answer.

Is your answer to go? Brush your teeth, bring a pumpkin pie. Okay. Okay. Because at first I had said to her I wasn't going to come, and then she went on to this long thing about how, well, we should be spending time at the holidays with the girls, and it's really for them. And I'm just like, well. At least she understood that part. So, yeah, you need to be there for your daughters. Yes, you have to be there. Okay. Yes, you have to be there. For Christmas. For Christmas.

You have to have Hanukkah, Easter, everything. Yeah, okay. No, it's hard. I'm sure you can't. Jim, you don't have to explain to me how this must feel. I understand. But the reason you stayed is the reason you continue. You're their dad. And they're looking up at you, and they are seeing something splendid about you, that you're still not thinking of yourself. You're thinking of them. Don't lose that.

This is how your daughters become women looking for a real man because they don't have a mother who's a good role model. So they need you to be steadfast. Okay. Okay. Quick, quick kind of an aside to that. My family doesn't want her at our family gatherings. Okay. You make sure you're always at a family gathering with the kids. Okay. Yeah. So the kids are,

Wherever the kids are, you are. I can't attest to nobody wanting her around. If you want to talk to your parents and say her family has me, if you choose not to have her, then I'm not coming to your place with the kids. So you can pull rank. Okay. Yeah, because that's the dilemma. It's like my family. No, it's not a dilemma. You pull rank on your family. Okay. Okay. This is what we're doing. If you want to participate, fine. If not, I won't be here with the kids. Okay.

All right, good. Okay. Well, thanks. I appreciate your advice. Because that might stop her family and we don't want this to escalate. You know what I'm saying? No, I know. Yeah. And I, well, I'm sure at some point when one of the new guys comes around, I may be kicked out, but for now. Maybe not. Kiss up to your ex-mother-in-law. And I'm serious about that because ultimately she's the one with the power. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. All right, sir.

Thank you, and I'm sorry it took this turn. I can't imagine how a woman could worry about one day out of the year and not realize the mess she's making for the next 30. It's kind of funny. Divorce hurts kids. No way around that. But the more effort you and your ex can put into making things like holidays enjoyable instead of tense, the better off your kids will be.

Make the most of it, especially since the holidays happen only a handful of days a year. And no matter what, do not let other people interfere with what is best for your children. I discussed that with Michelle when we spoke. Michelle, welcome to the program. Hi, thank you for taking my call. Thank you. I will try to make this very direct and very quick. No, no, no. Just make it very clear.

Okay, clear. I share custody of an 11-year-old son with my former husband. We have worked very hard to become friends and remain on good terms in the interest of our son. So through doing so, we have agreed to share holidays, including Jewish holidays. However, this year, Thanksgiving...

We were going to go out, but at the last minute, I have a family member in town who is now going to host and has made it very clear that my former husband is really not included because they don't feel comfortable with him being there. Okay, so Michelle, can you stop for a moment? Please. I don't care if somebody new came into town. You guys had an understanding and you have a routine. Stick to it. You tell this new person coming into town, sorry. That's my uncle.

I don't care who it is. Okay. And especially if it's, listen to me very carefully, never allow anybody to interfere with the benevolent world you have created around your kid and be suspicious of anybody who wishes to do that. Okay. You tell your uncle, see you next time. Okay. Please. I'm begging you. Tell your uncle. Sorry. Let me ask you one more question. We have our plan. We have our plan.

What about the highly dramatic, overbearing mother I have? Same thing. Doesn't change anything. Your responsibility is not to any of those people. You have no obligation to your mother or your uncle. It's 100% to your kid. Correct. No obligation to them whatsoever. You have no obligation to make your mother happy. You have no obligation to make your uncle happy. You have no obligation to give in to their desires. None. And you can just send them to me if they need an explanation for that. I'd like that.

Please. I'm here. Thank you. I will back you. I will watch your back. I love that. I appreciate the support. Thank you. You got it. So you just hang up, go call your uncle and say, we're going to do our original plan, but thank you for asking. Thank you so much, Dr. Laura. I hope you have a really awesome holiday. I think I'm going to. I'm going to be hiking and biking and...

Eating and hiking and biking and eating. You go on a vacation with my son and daughter-in-law, you're hiking and biking. No matter if it's raining, snowing, 100,000 degrees temperature, I get my exercise in. And so my son this morning texted me, bring layers. I suck at that. My daughter-in-law, on the other hand, packs brilliantly. I end up wearing heifer clothes.

Because I always go, I didn't bring anything like that. So this time I had some bicycle clothes that I'm bringing for her, you know, with the padding on your tush. So it's a little more comfortable. So I'm bringing all that for her. And I usually end up wearing her t-shirts. I'm going to take a break. And I'd like you to think about how you can make your participation in a family experience more pleasant.

I'll be right back.

Held off on getting gifts until the last minute? Make Half Price Books your headquarters for all things bookish, quirky, and cool. Search shelves full of comics, games, crafts, music, and more in-store, or shop millions of items at hpb.com to find the perfect gift for everyone on your list. Either way, gifting couldn't be easier. You may be cutting it close, but with Half Price Books, you've got this holiday season in the bag. Find a store near you or shop online at hpb.com.

Sweetheart, what about this one? Um, nah, fam. That's a little sus. Shopping with teenagers can be hard, between figuring out what they like and what they mean. But with Walmart, at least shopping for their next pair of glasses is easy. With the Walmart app, you can virtually try on frames at home, upload prescriptions, and get new glasses delivered right to your door. It's an easier way to get stylish glasses, dollar

I got a line. He got a line.

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Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. Finally, I want to touch on the subject of step-parenting during the holidays. If you're in a second, third, or 85th marriage and there are children involved, take some breaths, loosen up, and be embracing. Even when those children are adults, you need to keep the peace, not upset your spouse, who's probably going to take the side of his or her children over you.

When Kim called, I reminded her that she doesn't want to be among the more than 70% of remarriages with kids that end up in divorce. Kim, welcome to the program. Thank you, Dr. Laura. I appreciate you taking my call and taking the time to listen to my problem. My husband's children are coming to visit from college, a boy and a girl, ages 21 and 19. And how long have you been stepping?

I've been stepping for five years. Got it. Go ahead. And when they come to my home, they destroy my home. They're not very neat and clean. I don't know what the rules are at their mother's house or at the dorms, but clothes are thrown all over the bedroom floor, wet towels on my new bedspread, dishes all over the kitchen. And I've discussed this with my husband several times. I've asked him to talk to them. I don't want to come across as the mean stepmother.

But I don't see that happening. So instead of dreading their visits, I thought it would be best to sit down with both of them when they come to visit next week and explain the rules of our home. And I want to do it in a very diplomatic manner. Kim, you can't do that. Okay. You can't do that. And I ask why. Because you don't have the power to do it. And they will punish him. He will be mad at you. It's not going to work. They won't want to come. He'll be upset.

And you'll hit one of the people in the over 70% divorce rate in second marriages with kids just for this reason. So I suggest, I suggest you change the bedspreads so that just think about the list you have of what they do. And so take out the things that could be in any way damaged and put something else in its place and put a big hamper in the room and say, hey, I got you guys this cute hamper. You know, all the towels and stuff, just dump them in here. No problem.

and get a huge hamper, so it's right in the bedroom, so it's hard to ignore. And so you do these cute, fun things and say it in a sweet, fun way, or all hell is going to break out. Yeah, I figured that. And you may end up divorced. Okay, I can do that. Because if his kids say they're never going to come visit, he's going to get rid of you. Yeah. So play it smart. Put less expensive bedspreads there that you could just throw in the washing machine.

Okay. Use throwaway paper plasticized plates. Nothing has to be washed. That's a great idea. I didn't think of that. Yeah. Just do things to make it easy for you so that you can be just sweet and adorable. Okay. I can do that, Dr. Laura. Thank you. Good. You're welcome. Have some fun with that. You have the power every day, including holidays, to bring joy to yourself and others. Being proactive is a good way to handle stress.

Look at your options. Make the choice that you'll enjoy. Start your own traditions. Be flexible. Make your kids' well-being a priority. Accept the reality when things aren't the way you'd like and understand that no situation is going to be perfect, even if you are in complete control of it.

That's when you have to remember that there are 364 other days to visit with the people you want to see. So don't put so much emphasis on one particular holiday. And now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.

and be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. Sweetheart, what about this one? Um, nah, fam. That's a little sus. Shopping with teenagers can be hard, between figuring out what they like and what they mean. But with Walmart, at least shopping for their next pair of glasses is easy. With the Walmart app, you can virtually try on frames at home, upload prescriptions, and get new glasses delivered right to your door. It's an easier way to get stylish glasses...

They'll actually like. Now these new glasses, total vibes. Buying new glasses has a new look. Welcome to your Walmart. Valid prescription required.