Help! My Life is Out of Balance!
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Okay, we've got Katie's project, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure, man. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Okay.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast.

Let me bust a myth for you. There is no such thing as balance. They're only choices. That means when life gets too chaotic, when you feel frazzled and unhappy, and like you're not doing anything particularly well, it's time to take something off your plate. I have never been able to balance anything in my life, work, hobbies, family, never. But I have given up many things to simplify.

and prioritize. In July of 2000, I wrote the last of my syndicated columns that appeared weekly in publications like the Desiree News, Jewish World Review. Well, with my television program debut approaching, a full-time radio program, a family, my charity work, social life, exercise, I knew something had to give.

So I used my last column to tell readers, quote, I want to share a personal fork in the road that has kept me awake the last couple of weeks. Though it makes me sad, it's evident that, unfortunately, I can't do it all. No one, despite popular belief, can do it all, be it all, have it all. I'm living proof of that. I put a lot of time and effort into this column.

My heart wants to continue with it, but my brain knows better. To do so, I would have to sacrifice my number one priority, family. I understood then as I do now that the number one rule of stress management is to give something up first.

when life gets overwhelming. Like me, my caller Evan was in a rebalancing mindset when we spoke, trying to make the tough choice between a better quality of life with his family and his well-paid but overwhelming career. Because the point here is that when you're balancing, that means you're doing a little bit of everything and a lot of nothing.

Evan, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. Thank you for taking my call. You're very welcome. Yes, I called you about three years ago to give you some expert advice, so I know I had another quandary for you to call. Thank you. How can I help? Yes, my question is I am debating quitting my job and taking a much lower-paying job, be about a 50% pay cut, but it would be a better work-life balance.

I'm not sure if that's fair to my wife and child. Did you ask your wife if she'd like more money or more you? I did. I mean, she seems supportive. You know, she's saying all the right things, but it's been a long time since we've been. Is she a liar? No, I don't think she's a liar. Well, then your wife wants more of you. I bet your kids want more of you than money. Right. But it's going to be a tough adjustment for you.

It is. I put a lot of self-worth in my job, especially, you know, my title and my income. So, I mean, it is going to be an adjustment, but I'm not sure they fully understand. That's really what this call is about, sir. Everybody else is going to adjust fine. The toughest change is going to be for you. Your identity is going to be more in family and hobbies. Yes, I might actually have time for hobbies. That's right. And hobbies are part of mental health, by the way.

I mean, is there an easier way to make the transition smoother? No. No. Come on. I guess you could be drunk or stoned, but then you wouldn't be very effective. It would not seem so. You know, the bumps in the road make the journey more impressive when it's done. Right.

So it's okay to be selfish in this instance, to do something better for... No, it's not. It's never okay to be selfish. You finally are being unselfish. How do you see it that way? Because you're giving up the money and the identity and the status to be a better husband and a better dad and a better person and somebody who can enjoy life more. I don't understand how that's selfish. I think that's selfless. I mean, I guess it's a matter of perspective. Yeah, you got the wrong one.

You got the wrong one, babe. Okay. Well, I guess I just needed some words of affirmation. And since I got it from both an outside source and in my family, I feel pretty good. Good. I'm glad you feel pretty good. But get that I'm selfish crap out of your head or I'm going to pinch your head off. Okay. Well, I appreciate some of your time. Thank you. You're very welcome.

People are brought up with the misconception that life is to be done all at one time instead of sequentially. But most of us quickly notice that you can't just cram everything in. Women especially bend themselves into pretzels because they don't want to let anybody down or hurt anybody's feelings by saying, no. But the only way to be successful and productive in life is to choose not to take on more than you're capable of doing well.

Yes. It can be hard to say no, but you have to be willing to, even if the recipient of that no is a parent, as I discussed with Kelly when she called.

Kelly, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. Thanks for taking my call. My question is, I'm trying to figure out how to balance my marriage and children with caring for my mom, and we just lost my dad last week. He had been battling cancer for a third time, and...

David Hacken, after seven months, you know, we knew it was coming. And my mom is in good health. But, you know, emotionally, I'm just trying to be there for her. But I don't want to neglect my wifely duties and my children. I have three boys, ages four, three, and one. This is going to sound harsh, but they need you more than she does. She has coping skills. They don't.

Yeah. So, it sounds harsh. I understand. And there is no balancing. There is no balance. There's only choices. Call her every day. Text her every day. Okay, this is not defend yourself moment. I'm just making a list of things you can do without having to drive over there. She can come visit for a weekend. She has friends. She has relatives. You cannot be all that she needs.

Okay. You're right. I knew you would say that. I just don't want to feel guilty and leave it all in my brother's lap. It's not leaving all. When I was widowed, there is no way in the world I wanted my son to spend all his time caretaking me. My friends closed in and I had to spend a considerable amount of time just suffering because that's normal.

Yeah. Freaking out and suffering and being negative and all the garbage that comes with that. But you can't fix all that for her. My son couldn't fix that for me. And he has a life. So I'm telling you from firsthand experience as the mother, it's not your job. But calls and texts and pictures of the kids and the dog that threw up on the carpet and cute things and calling and singing, having the kids draw pictures. This is all great.

This makes you smile even though you feel like crap. But you're just sitting there holding her hand and looking pathetically into her face is not going to help her feel better. Okay. Thank you. This has nothing to do with guilt. I'm just being reasonable here. And I know from which I speak. From what I speak? Yeah, I know from what I speak. Because I would have felt worse. She's not as strong a woman as you, Dr. Laura. Not many women are. Okay. Well, maybe that's true.

But I would have felt a lot worse if I had usurped my son's life. True. Because I'm a mother. I see it as flowing downhill. And yes, they're very loving. My son and daughter-in-law love me to pieces. And we do so many things together. Go on Instagram and you can see how nutty this family is.

But you don't sit on your kid's shoulders. So you have three kids. Have them draw pictures. Have them call and say, hi, Grandma. I mean, there are a lot of cute things you can do for that momentary smile. I sure liked the momentary smile. It helps. It helps. So if you go into a dark place, you think, okay, I still have this. So those are the cute things you can do. And it shouldn't be all on your brother either.

I agree. That's why, you know, I feel like I need to do more as the only daughter. It doesn't matter if you're the only daughter. None of that matters. None of that matters. If she had 16 more daughters, it wouldn't change my conversation with you. Your family is a wonderful production company to send sweetness towards your mother. Just being there is not going to do it.

It's okay to have her come for a weekend. Yeah, I think it's a good idea because she can play with the kids, you know, cook some dinner, go out, go for a walk, cry a little bit, but live a life with you and your family. That'd be much healthier than you going over there. For her, it'll be much healthier because when people get in that depressed state, they tend not to want to do anything. So to drag her butt, somehow send a car, send a car service to go pick her up if she doesn't want to drive.

Mom, I know you're depressed, but I need you to help me with the kids. She'll be over there. Yeah. They're a good distraction from the sadness, that's for sure. Gosh, aren't they? Puppies and kids. They are. And kittens. I should throw kittens in there. Kittens do it also. Does she have any pets? No. Does she like cats?

I don't know. That's a good question. I know they're easy to care for and not a whole lot of maintenance. No, they take care of themselves. My two grandkitties, you know, wash and wear. Yeah. I have looked into grief and support groups for her to try to get her back out there, at least talk about it, and then maybe eventually start volunteering and putting her energy into something useful. But you're going to have to let her design that and not be her camp counselor? Yes.

Okay. I'm good at that. Yeah, I know. I can tell that. Don't be the camp counselor. Okay. And it takes a while. I would say it takes a good year. And then people start wanting to do stuff. And I'm sorry, but you realize it's only a week ago, so the shock part is still there. The depression part comes later. Right now, it's just shock. Even though she was anticipating him dying, it's just shock. Yeah. At some point, she should get a cat. I like that idea.

Yeah. I'll take that one. Thank you. I thought you were going to say I'd get her one. Good girl. All right. Good girl, Kelly. I'm very impressed. All right. Thank you. Take care. You too, Vivian. I have to take a break, but I want to keep talking. I have to make a choice. I have to eliminate something. Okay, I'll eliminate me talking for a moment so we can take a break. This is all very stressful. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

Okay, we've got Katie's project, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure, man. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Okay.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. Dr. Laura's Lunch Deep Dive Podcast. Human beings have limits. When I spoke to Amy, I explained that it's a far, far better thing that a woman makes her family the priority when trying to reorganize and reduce stress. Amy, welcome to the program. Hi, thank you for having me. You're very welcome. What can I do for you?

I am a mother of three teenagers. My husband and I own a business. I only work while the kids are at school or at their activities. But feeling like my husband is not super happy, and I think it's because our home life is suffering because I don't have much time at the end of the day. He likes to have me at work because I have some skills that he doesn't.

But I'm struggling in between helping him at work. Let me ask you a question. Okay? Sure. Work, husband, kids. Okay? Work, husband, kids. Yeah. I'm going to eliminate one of those. I'm going to have aliens from Mars take your husband away. Or I'm going to have aliens from Mars take your kids away. Or I'm going to have aliens from Mars destroy your business.

Pick one. Yeah, that's a pretty easy choice. Well, then why don't you make it? Don't answer the question. You have the simplest problem that I will hear all week. Now that you say it that way, I understand.

Yeah, you're right. We just need to find somebody to replace me at work. Yeah, give him three weeks notice and tell him I'm going to go back to be your girlfriend, your wife. When you come home, there are going to be warm arms waiting to wrap around you. And for that, I'm giving three weeks notice so I can be that woman again. If you put it that way. Yep, if you put it that way. I don't really think he's going to give you an argument.

Honey, I want to go back to being the woman who wanted to wrap her arms and legs around you. You think he's going to argue with that? No. Yeah, see, simplest problem. You're a lucky woman. You are a lucky woman. I know, and I just want to do everything for him. You can't do everything for him. You can't do everything for anybody or anything. That's a silly comment.

Better you should be his girlfriend. Unless you want him to hire a whore. He can either hire somebody to work in the business or hire a whore. Which would you like him to hire? Yeah, not a whore, for sure. Good. Well, then go back to being his woman and let him hire somebody to do the work there. Yeah, I'm going to do that. But remember, arms and legs wrapped around you. You have to frame it that way. If you don't, you're just going to have a fight.

Okay. Okay. David called me because he wanted more one-on-one time with his wife and to improve the quality of their relationship as a couple. I wondered how he would react if his wife came home from her physician's assistant job, wrapped her loving arms around him, and delivered the same message that I had encouraged Amy to give her husband. David, welcome to the program. Good afternoon, Dr. Laura. How are you today? Good.

Definitely an avid fan and often on long-term listener based on your terrestrial radio past and now serious. My question is regarding a dispute I've had with my wife for quite some time. And the question basically is, what do you feel is an appropriate amount of time for... I don't give numbers out. I don't give numbers out. And for how long are you having this same argument? And what's her position and what's your position?

My position is this. I want to know. How long have you been having the argument? That was the first question. I'll say since I served five years now.

five-year argument. This is based on the idea of we have four young children and I believe we do a lot of things together with the family and we spend a lot of time in doing things with the kids. But I don't feel like one of your, I don't feel that my wife and I spend enough time together on our own without the kids. We don't have that, as you would put it, the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. David, are you able to get your wife on the phone right now? I would love to. Unfortunately, I can't. She's working.

Yes, but everybody at work has a cell phone and they take personal calls. Yes, I would do that. She sees patients. She's actually probably, yeah, that's not a... She sees patients as a what? She's a PA, physician assistant. I know what a PA is. And what is her specialty? She's just primary care. I don't mean to say just. She's primary care. So who takes care of the kids all day? We have them in a Montessori school.

during the day, which I know you're not a fan of. That's why she wants to spend more time with the kids because she's not there raising them. I agree with you. I do agree with you. So stop arguing and try to find times in the evening where you put a picnic down on the floor in the living room and turn on a chick flick and watch it with her. Every now and then plan something cute with grandma there.

But she's an appropriately guilt-ridden mother who's not raising her children and is caretaking everybody else for a living and feels guilt about not spending the family time. So you're going to have to work around the reality. Okay. If she were an at-home mom, it would be a different issue.

That's one of the consequences of the situation you have. So you're going to have to sneak together time in. Kids are in bed. You put some wine, cheese, and crackers on some blanket on the floor in the living room with pillows, and you turn on a stupid movie, and you hug, snuggle, and maybe even have some great sex. That'll be together time.

All right, we have to take a break. There are some things we don't have control over, and my breaks are one of them. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

Okay, we've got Katie's projects, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Huh.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. You have the right to organize your life the way you want. But I bet most of you put too much on your plate and then beat yourselves up when you're not able to get it all done. You expect to be good at everything and make it all work. Really? Well, maybe if you were an AI, that could be possible. But as a human being...

It won't fly. You can't do it all. You can't have it all. At least, not all at the same time, as I shared with a stressed out and tearful Mary when we spoke. Mary, welcome to the program. Hi, good afternoon, Dr. Laura. I've been a listener to you for a while, and I'm

Thank you. You're great. My question today has to do with balancing professional life ambitions and family life and demands. Okay, slow down. Slow down. Slow down. Okay. I'm sorry. No, no. There's nothing to be sorry about. I just need you to slow down because there is no balancing. I have for my entire career tried to remind especially women there is no balancing. There's only choices.

And choices mean things are left by the wayside because you chose something else. Because you can't do them all. And when you try to do them all, usually kids and husbands pay the price. So you really have to make choices. For example, when I was on in Los Angeles, I was on KFI and I was on at nights. It was fine. I took care of Derek all day. Daddy came home. Nine o'clock I got in the car. Off I went. Do my radio show. Ten to one in the morning. Okay? I was younger. I could handle it.

Couldn't snap that light anymore. Anyway, there was a rumor that they might put me on afternoon drive time. That's considered the elite time next to morning drive to be on the radio. It was a rumor. I went home and cried because I knew I'd have to turn it down. Why? Because I was a mother. I wasn't going to have him come home from school to no mom and go to bed with no mom. Fortunately, it never panned out, but I would have turned it down. So I am the...

Best person for you to talk to about all of this. Thank you. And I'm proud of myself to this day. Do you think I'd tell you this story if I had dumped my kid and taken the job? Do you think I'd be bragging about this story? Probably in Ms. Magazine, I would. I showed my kid that you make choices for your career. That's how they talk. I'm very grateful.

Well, I was going to say I didn't have to make the choice, but I had made it anyway. So there are things I have never done that I would have loved to have done, but we only live one life, and we can't do it all, and we can't balance shit. We really can't. I think you're right. I think that's what's driving me nuts. I am one person at work in my career and then another person for my family, and...

And you're losing your mind. It's two separate people, yes. Well, you know what? Because you can't win at either. Right. When you're trying to do both. So send your husband and kids over here or do something about your job. Yeah. Thank you. You're very welcome. And I appreciate very much that you called. And I hope I helped you because I completely, if there's anybody on the face of the earth who understands what's going on in your head, it is me.

And I got to tell you, when you make the choice and when you change that job situation, you will be so freaking relieved. You will be surprised.

I know in my gut that I will, but I feel guilty. I feel that it's taken me a long time to finally be honest with myself. And I'm supposed to be able to do this for a living, and I advise people on how to do this. So what? You have one life to live in between now and dead. How do you want it to be?

You're not going to be here forever, dear. This is it. You get to be the architect of your life for the next, what, 40 years and then you'll be dead? Come on. Live it the way you want to live it. Yeah. There has to be a time when you live your life the way you want to live it. You're correct. And you're killing yourself right now. Yeah. For what? World peace?

No, I think to feed, you know, personal ambition and to feed, to prove something. Ah, you proved it already. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, it's already proven. Come on. You know you're hot. You know you're good. You know you're smart. You know you're confident. We know it already. Geez, don't you know when to stop proving something? It's proven.

I appreciate your comforting words and you're very wise beyond your years. I got a lot of years, so maybe it just fits. Being overly busy is hard work. It's hard on your mind, it's hard on your body, and it makes you worry.

It takes away from your friendships, sex with your spouse, time with your kids. You have no peaceful rhythms. You don't have time to be creative. You're not happier. No one ever said, I hate lying on a blanket in the grass staring up at the clouds. But a lot of you have said, you're too busy for such things. Maybe it's time to make a different choice.

Now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

Okay, we've got Katie's projects, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow. Sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure, man. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Huh.

Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.