Most Divorce is Unnecessary
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listen to all my episodes of dr laura's deep dive in your favorite podcast app search for dr laura's deep dive podcast and follow my deep dive today dr laura's deep dive deep dive dr laura's deep dive podcast when you see a really adorable old couple

and they look like they've been married 120 years. They're all wrinkled, hunched over, walking down the street, holding hands. You may be tempted to think they had some kind of special luck to make it together for that long. No two people are absolutely 100% completely compatible. None. If you were to ask them what the key to their marital success has been,

Frankly, they likely tell you that they learned to let a lot of stuff go. They endured and maybe even ignored the things that weren't going to change. They may have had issues that would lead a lot of today's couples to divorce, but they found a way to work through them. And in this deep dive, I want to teach you how to do the same so you can save your marriage. Now, it's sad when two people divorce, period.

When there are kids involved, it's a cruel disaster for the children. So it's really important to see if we can pull people back from that brink of divorce and actually have them be happy again. It's amazing what people can pull back from. I want to talk first about some of the contributing factors for divorce. There are some hard reasons to divorce, and there are soft reasons, which I think warrant repair, not divorce.

But before I go into these motivations, so you sit there and go, okay, I got a hard reason. I'm out of here. I want to talk a little bit about my training. Now, I was trained at USC. I don't know that the training was different anywhere else in the universe. That's an outstanding place to be educated and trained. I have not a complaint. I'm very grateful. Mentality, though, in general, is to sit marital couples down and start talking about all the bad stuff. You know, why you're mad.

Why you're disappointed, why you're hurt, why you want to leave. And at the beginning of my training, because that was the training, that was the perspective, let's get to what's wrong and catalog it and fix it. And what I discovered quickly is that when you start cataloging it, it got worse. Because sitting there in a room, hearing each other bitch, complain, criticize, tear down, did not do much for bringing people together.

So I got to the point where I started a whole new way of looking at marital therapy. And no, I don't think all marriages should be saved. Some are so destructive or dangerous. No, that's not the general rule. So I got to the point where I would do the following. I would sit there and look back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And then I would say, okay, let's roll the clock back. How did you meet? What did you think about each other when you first met? What are some of the cute stories?

What are some of the funny things? What were some of the little scrapes you get into when you're young? And then you come back together and it's so romantic. I got to talking about all of that. And what I would notice is that the folks sitting on the couch, because I would not have them in separate chairs. They came into separate chairs. That was bad. I knew that was real bad. Is they would start looking at each other and laughing. One would reach and touch the hand of the other.

And all we were doing was reminiscing. Wasn't giving a homework assignment. Wasn't beating on anybody's head. Wasn't ganging up on anybody. I mean, that did happen sometimes. Sometimes the things people do, you have to bang them on the head. You try not to do that in front of each other. I would try to get them in separate sessions, you know, a half an hour each, whatever, and then bring them together. But to go back over the good stuff, because I'll tell you what, start thinking of five horrible things. Dog poop all over your kitchen. Um...

the roof falling in and all your prized possessions being destroyed. Just think of five horrible things. Does that put you in a good mood? Does that make you feel good about today? Does that give you any sense of hope? Nope. Now think of five great things. The sun is shining. It's Friday. And when work is over, you get to really let down. You've got something cool planned for the weekend, maybe a picnic.

The kids have a soccer game and that's going to be fun to sit there in the little lounge chairs with your lemonade and your peanuts and watch. Whatever. Sort of makes you smile. Well, it's kind of obvious. What you talk about and what you imagine sets a mood, changes the chemistry in your head, changes the way you think, changes the way you feel at the moment. So when couples tell me we don't know how to communicate, you know what they're usually telling me?

I bitch and complain at the other person. I yell and scream and they don't change and make me happy. That's why you hear me on the program so many times asking people to define their words because I don't know what they mean. I know what I mean when I use a certain word, but that doesn't mean they're using it that way. But think about it. I tell them time and time again. So obviously we have a problem with communication. Yeah, you're being bitchy. Catch more flies with honey than a smacking spatula.

So there are some hardcore reasons that I think justify a divorce. And then there are the soft reasons. So the first thing I want people to do when there are the quote soft reasons for getting a divorce, and I'll go into those in a minute, is to look inside themselves because it's you. You're screwing up. Now, in the marriage, there are two yous, but you have to take responsibility for you screwing up and the other party has to take responsibility for their screwing up, but you need to take responsibility. And if you do,

And change, it has a ripple effect. Don't believe me? Listen to this call from Tracy about the one small change she made that turned her marriage around and helped Tracy and her husband get through the pandemic intact, in love, and happily ever after. Tracy, welcome to the program. Hello. Thank you for having me, Dr. Laura. Thank you.

What's up? Okay. I started listening to you a little bit over a year ago, and I don't even, I think I happened on your station on XM, and I was actually in my head, I hadn't been talking to anybody else, I was thinking about leaving my husband.

And he's all of his life been diagnosed with depression. And he's just sometimes will get really hard to live with. But I knew it before I married him and he would be so wonderful to me, but he had gotten into a deep depression and needed to change medications. And it was getting really hard. I thought from now to dad is this way I want to live. I started listening to you. And one day I walked in and he was already dead.

Right.

I went from there and I have just really, believe it or not, controlled, not controlled, changed his mood just because I'm sweet to him. I respect him. I let him have opinions where I was getting so resentful. We have a wonderful marriage. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful marriage. We have sex again. We love each other. We come first. Yeah.

You know, no kids in the house, so it's us and the dog and the cat. And so with the pandemic, I work in the health field, and he's retired, and he went through a bout of cancer, and the chemo ruined his immune system. So he's in our RV by himself, and I drop off groceries.

I've got to keep working. And he is doing so well. And we never would have made it this far and through this pandemic as far as we have without turning everything around last year. And I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Wow. I'm very touched by that. And I'm glad you did seemingly a simple thing. A hug.

Okay, I'm going to take a break from doing whatever the heck I feel like doing and actually reach out to my dearly beloved and sort of even cuddle them through the phone. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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It has a lot of power to help turn things around. But instead of giving a hug, most people prefer to get on their high horse and be pissed off. You didn't fulfill all my fantasies and every need I have. Okay. There are some intolerable situations. Chronic affairs. Chemical dependencies. Gambling. Person's not willing to change. If somebody won't work with you on that, I don't think you should have to live that way. Then there are the soft reasons.

I'm not happy. We're growing apart. We're not communicating. You're screwing up. That's what I tried to explain to Jack when he called me distraught over having to explain to his kids why he was moving out and why their parents were getting a divorce. Jack, welcome to the program.

Yes, Dr. Laura, nice to talk to you. Thank you. I have a question. I'm a 44-year-old guy going through a divorce right now, and it's probably the worst day of my life. Tonight, I have to go to my house, explain to my kids that I'm moving out. And why are you moving out? Because we're getting divorced. Why are we getting divorced?

Oh, well, I guess the best way I could explain it is we've been gradually falling out of love over a period of several years. No, the two of you have not been putting effort into your marriage, which is what you'll do with your next relationships also, because it's an attitude.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely can accept. It doesn't happen by itself. It happens when two people don't put in, like when they were dating and they made it sure that the other person was always aware that they were there and they loved you, blah, blah, blah. And then we get married and then we just start taking each other for granted and we call it falling out of love or growing apart. So there is probably no need for this divorce.

Yeah, there's probably no need. Interestingly enough, all the research, and it's been multiple times this is done, five years after divorces, over 70% of the people regret they did it. Yeah, I couldn't. Because they realized it wasn't really necessary. They were just too damn lazy. Right. So why don't you go home and tell your wife what I just said? Because you guys could get back.

God, I can't tell you how many times when I was in private practice, I would couples at your level of, well, we're growing apart. We don't love each other anymore. All this kind of stuff. And I'd say, okay, this is the first session. Now, the first session with a marital therapist is usually tell me all your bitching gripes. And then you tell me all your bitching gripes. And then everybody leaves angrier than when they came in. That's not how I did it. How I did it is I'd say, okay, what was it like when you first met? How did you meet?

Suddenly, everybody's talking about these fond memories. And when was the first moment you thought, ooh, he's cute? When was the first moment when you thought, ooh, she's a babe? Tell me about that. They'd spend an hour reminiscing and leave holding hands.

Yeah, we did that, actually. Oh, God. You spent an hour starting from the day you met and every wonderful thing that happened. No, no, no, no, no. We didn't do that. Okay, then stop. Stop. Stop. Go do it. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. See what I mean? We did that. We did that. We spent two seconds. We did that. Did you spend a whole hour? Well, no, we didn't do that. Do it.

Most divorces are totally unnecessary and they don't necessarily lead you to be happier or the magic of finding somebody else is just spontaneously going to make you happy. Then why is the second divorce rate higher than the first? Because that's a fantasy that can't be met. So don't throw away a perfectly good marriage because you've been damn lazy, either one or both of you. You can call it growing apart.

But the truth is that most of you are not putting in the effort to keep your marriage loving, sweet, happy, and strong. And it doesn't do it all by itself. Number one reason people say they're getting divorced is growing apart. Soft reason, no necessity. Grow back together. We're unable to talk to each other. Well, try listening rather than browbeating. What we've got here is failure to communicate.

Cool hand Luke. How your spouse handles money. A lot of times that's a tool to hurt each other. I'm going to control the money to hurt you. I'm going to spend the money to hurt you. About a little more than a third of the time, the spouse has problems, mental, emotional problems. I contend you knew that before you married them. You don't abandon them later unless it becomes intolerable in the hard motivation, hard reasons way. They're not paying attention. Pay more attention.

And often because of the lack of attention, there's some infidelity because people have a need for companionship and understanding. If they're not getting it home, they unfortunately often look for it elsewhere. Religious reasons, in-law problems, leisure activities, conflicts over to raise kids, household responsibilities, taste and preferences, personal habits. These are all fixable. These are all not a big deal. But the more you talk to your

girlfriends, because mostly the women do the chatting, about how you'll get reinforcement. Oh yeah. And so it goes. And the more you get reinforcement for what a jerk and a jackass and a creep and insensitive and boorish and this is and that's is, you come home, look at your husband and say, don't touch me. And then on Valentine's Day, where's my present?

Luckily for Angela, she had the kind of girlfriend who would recommend she call Dr. Laura instead of just agree with and feed in to her discontent. This conversation may have saved Angela's marriage. Angela, welcome to the program. Hey, how are you? Hi. What can I do for you?

I'm not really sure. I am getting ready to celebrate my 19th anniversary with my husband. And for the past about five or six years, we've been pretending that everything's okay and neither one of us can really seem to get on the same page as far as communication. But we both have the boys and we love our kids and we want everything to work out. But we don't know what to do. How about be nicer?

I would agree with that. He probably would, too. Well, then why don't you just start the ball rolling and be nicer and never raise your voice? Never, never raise your voice. You're a woman who's busy, busy, busy, not that patient, and get irritated quickly with him. You're right. So you'll throw away a perfectly good marriage and a perfectly good family because you don't know how to behave. So if you'd simply only were nicer...

Gave a compliment, gave a smile, gave a hug. When he started to discuss something, you'd actually keep your mouth shut and listen. And not argue with it, but listen. You're right. So throwing away a perfectly good marriage and destroying the world for two kids seems stupid to me. This is so easily fixed, it makes me want to giggle. So here's your assignment. Without discussing it with him, you're going to be cute and sweet and...

Humorous, tickly, kiss on the cheek, a hug. If he starts talking about something, you will shut your mouth and just listen and show him that you're listening. Find things to compliment him on, no matter how big, no small. Even like, oh, you made good time getting home, honey. Great. Hug. Good to see you. Missed you. It's so...

Minuscule. You know what? Sex becomes the least important thing when all of this exists. I agree. Even to men. I agree with that too. So why don't you start acting like a sweet woman who's living for one reason. Act like a sweet woman who's living for one reason. To make him happy. That's your only reason for breathing right now. To figure out how to make him happy. Every freaking day.

If you make that your commitment, in two weeks, you're going to call and say, I'm a genius. I'm already thinking that you are, because he's been asking me to do that. So I understand. Thank you. You have it in you, sweetheart. You always did. I'm glad that my best friend convinced me to call you. I'd never listened to you before today. So I'm glad that I did, because you might have very well saved a family.

I'm hoping so. And I'm counting on you just to be the adorable, sweet woman you used to be until you lost your way. Pretty damn good. Thank you. You're welcome. My number, 1-800. Well, you know why I know this is going to work, this last call? Not because I'm a genius, but because she's open-minded. See how quickly she just owned it? She didn't get defensive. She just owned it. People who do that are more likely going to succeed.

Because they don't spend their time being defensive. They spend their time being creative. So I'm 100% certain she's going to pull this off. 100%. Not even 99%. And that's why I do this on air. To help people like Angela and all of you who are listening become aware of what's standing between you and a wonderful marriage.

75% of the time, if you divorce in five years, you'll regret it, especially because divorce destroys children's lives. All right, I have to take a break now because I want to actually be honest with myself and think about how I could be a better spouse today. Be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. So, what do you need to change today to make your marriage better? How can you be sweeter? What kinds of things can you start doing to make your spouse happy to come home to you? I'm here to help. So call me at 1-800-DR-LAURA or go to drlaura.com. Check out my Marriage 101 online course and my books, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.

They've helped turn tens of thousands of marriages, and I'm being modest, around who can help yours too. Now, go do the sweet thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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