Refresher: Saving One Starfish at a Time
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This is Dr. Laura. I hope you and your loved ones are enjoying a wonderful holiday season. I've been really pleased to read all the tremendous feedback about my newest podcast, Dr. Laura's Deep Dive, especially about my episode saving one starfish at a time. My longtime listener Lori wrote, I love the starfish story. I look forward to more deep dives and I will stay tuned.

Dale said this deep dive was exceptionally powerful. And Tracy left this review on Apple Podcasts. Five stars, Dr. Laura, unafraid to tell the truth. Yes. She stands up for kids and puts selfish parents in their place.

saving kids, saving marriages, saving families, saving psyches, so all of you can have the merriest of holidays. That's my focus every day, and that is the focus of today's classic deep dive episode, saving one starfish at a time. And Merry Christmas.

Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive. Offering new analysis and advice on some of life's more perplexing problems. Deep Dive. Marriage, relationships, mental health, and more. Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. One of my peeps recently asked me what my all-time most memorable call was. You know, doing this for almost 50 years, that was not easy. Nonetheless, there is one that just resonates in my soul and mind all the time. Really. Really.

It was from a young couple. They had already had a child. They had to get sort of married. This is a heavy-duty Christian family they came from, and they were heavy-duty Christians. But, you know, passion got them one day, and it just had to be you and the egg and the sperm got together also. They got pregnant again. Now, their parents, both their sets of parents, had really helped them financially, emotionally, everything. But they got pregnant again before they really had enough money.

to take care of things. So they didn't want to tell their parents. They were terrified of how angry both sets of parents would be. They had driven to a Planned Parenthood and came into the parking lot and were ready to park the car, listening to my program. Can't believe this. I mean, it's unbelievable how this happened. And I was talking to a 36-year-old, unmarried, pregnant woman,

who was calling me to discuss having an abortion. And I said to her, well, how about we have an adoption? And she said, I couldn't do that. That would be so upsetting to me. I come back with, really? So let me understand this. You'd be really upset waving goodbye to the kid, but you would not be upset killing the kid. That's a quote.

Now, didn't have time to get a response, didn't have time to say anything more, because on radio, there are hard outs, meaning the computer shut me off at the top of the hour. That was it. Done. And I sat there, sort of scared. This was early on in my career. Oh, my God, I stopped with that. Oh, my. Oh, no.

I mean, I meant what I said, but usually then you try to soften things up and try to move the person another door. I got no opportunity to do anything. So I thought. Months later, I get a letter from this young couple who had been listening to me in the parking lot, just as they were going to turn off the car and go in and abort. And they looked at each other. I can see this is why I'm still upset telling this story. I'm not upset in a bad way. I'm upset in a very good way.

they looked at each other and said we can't kill it and we're not saying goodbye we just became a bigger family and we'll tell our parents we'll drive over right now and tell them and evidently the parents were nice about it so yeah that day at least with the couple one baby was saved not so sure about the thirty-six year old woman my best guess is she aborted but that day the couple's baby was saved it reminds me of the story of throwing one starfish back into the ocean

You may have heard this story. A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement. How silly. There are thousands. There's no way she can get them all in. She had been doing this for some time when finally one of the people approached her and said, Little girl,

"'Why are you doing this? Look at the beach. You cannot save all these starfish. You can't begin to make a difference.' That's the sentence. "'You can't begin to make a difference.' That's a point of view I fight against every day on my program.' The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated, but after a few moments she bent down, picked up another starfish, hurled it as far as she could into the ocean.'

Then she looked up at the man and replied, "'Well, I made a difference for that one.'" The old man looked at the girl inquisitively and thought about what she had just done and what she said. Inspired, he joined the little girl in throwing starfish back into the sea. Soon others joined, and that day a lot of starfish were saved. "'And this is what I hope will be my legacy.'"

making a difference for one child, one marriage, one family at a time. Whether that means saving babies from being aborted and their mothers from the pain of living with that decision, to saving children from neglect and abuse, saving couples from divorce, and saving each one of you for living a life in emotional pain when there is an alternative. I have an example of a caller taking my advice to heart.

and doing the right thing for a child. In this case, her grandchild. It's one of the reasons I love having a radio program because I know people are listening even if they never had the desire or courage to call in and are being encouraged to do the right thing. You are being instructed on how to do what needs to be done. Doesn't matter if it's difficult, uncomfortable, scary. What needs to be done must be done.

So take a listen to Joni's call. Joni, welcome to the program. Hi. Hi.

What's up? I have a five-year-old granddaughter and six grown children. My granddaughter is the daughter of my oldest daughter, who is 29. Since my granddaughter was born, my daughter got involved in drugs and had, to my knowledge, three overdoses.

And so because of that, we've been going through about three years of supervised visitation with my daughter. And she can only see my granddaughter when we're with her. My granddaughter, my daughter is very resentful and angry toward us because at one point I actually had to report. Isn't that a pretty, what else would you expect from an immature, irrational addict?

but to be annoyed that they're not getting their own way in spite of the fact that they've caused it. You shouldn't expect anything other than rage. Right. And she, because of this behavior, I have really formed a better relationship with the baby's father and his family because they're more responsible. Fine. Sounds good to me so far.

Yeah. So this coming Tuesday is, I'm assuming, the final court date where they decide final custody and everything. And because I've sat in the courtroom so many times, I've kind of seen how this has played out. And I'm afraid that if I go, I'm going to have to speak against my daughter. I'm sorry. Did I understand your sentence? I'm afraid...

Why would you be afraid of protecting your grandchild? What are you afraid of? You have to go into that courtroom and skewer her so she doesn't get custody. Right, exactly. Well, as you can tell, I'm struggling with a lot of guilt. Why are you struggling with any guilt? She could end up killing your grandchild. What are you thinking, woman? There is no guilt here. You are not being disloyal.

She's a bum and dangerous and irrational and should not have access to this kid or any other kid. What could you possibly feel guilt about? Guilt means you're doing something immoral, illegal, unethical, or you've pissed me off. So tell me which of those four satisfies the requirement for guilt. Tell me. I haven't done any of those things. Then guilt is not the correct... Ma'am?

then guilt is not the correct word. So you want to try to find a correct word to describe how you feel in one word? I guess it would probably be grief for my daughter and her loss and her choices. No, no, no, no, no, no. Her loss, her loss. If I have a set of keys and I throw them away or they get taken away from me, which one is a loss? Mm-hmm.

Which one is a loss? I'm waiting for an answer. They get, if you throw them, throw them away. That's a loss? When you intentionally throw them away, you call that a loss? I don't. If you have them taken, okay, if you have them taken away. Right, right. So she's going to suffer a well-deserved loss because she threw away her obligation to be a mother. And for you to feel anything but disgust makes me sad.

And I want you in that courtroom and I want you sitting on the dad's side and I want you to testify and make sure she doesn't get custody. Because if you do other than that, you are not only being a bad mother, you're being a bad grandmother and a bad citizen. Yeah, I know you're right. I appreciate you encouraging me because I really needed to hear that. And I need you to be strong. Sit up straight there. Have your voice carry.

And say it makes me sad to have to say the truth. She should never have custody. Okay, I will. Thank you. Thank you. I'm going to take a quick break and then back with more of this episode of my deep dive. A deep dive. Deeper and deeper. Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast. Deep. As a parent, you want what's best for your teen. You want them to grow and thrive in this world. But you also want to make sure they're staying safe.

Sometimes words seem so unnecessary.

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about my daughter's drug abuse and reckless living and how I believed my granddaughter would be better in the full custody of her father. Your encouragement was a game changer for me because my husband heard the broadcast. We went to the courthouse as a united front, which was not the case before. As difficult as it was, I testified. I spoke truthfully and concisely.

My granddaughter's father was awarded full physical and full legal custody with continued limited supervised visitation with her mother, our daughter. I was commended by the judge for speaking up for my granddaughter and for supporting my daughter's parenting time through the last years of turmoil. The judge recommended my daughter take steps to regain more parenting time in the future. We'll see if she follows through with getting the help she needs.

At now, at least, we know it will not be at the cost of my granddaughter's safety. Without your encouragement, I would have sat silently in self-doubt, and my daughter would have been given back unsupervised parenting by default, which would have continued an unstable and unsafe situation for my granddaughter. And we are working on healthier forms of communication with my daughter as a family. Who knew?

that listening to you for all these years would pay off in such a personal and crucial way. We are so thankful this weight has been lifted. We hope to build a relationship with our daughter in time. We will continue to be supportive grandparents to our precious granddaughter. Thank you, Dr. Laura. Joni, you can see why I've been dying to read that. We saved one kid. We did. We saved a kid. It's hard to beat that, isn't it? And what do you do for a living? I try to save kids. Deep breathing moment.

Hang in with me. I'll be right back.

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Honey, we need to get on holiday shopping. Don't stress. We're going to Burlington. I know we'll save money, but do they have gifts for everyone? Uh, do they? Burlington has name brands the kids keep begging us for. There are tons of toys. We can even finish the stockings with makeup, tech, jewelry, watches, everything. All right, all right. It's our one-stop holiday shop. Got it. Exactly, because I love shopping there. Burlington. Deals. Brands. Wow.

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Recently, I had on my program licensed clinical social worker Anna Sunoda, the author of Duck, Duck, Groom, understanding how a child becomes a target. For two hours, she shared what she's learned from years of counseling sexual predators about how they identify their targets and how they ingratiate themselves with not just the child, but often the child's family in order to get closer to the target.

to their potential victims. She said something that really stuck with me. Look up, step up, speak up. You can't save a starfish if you don't look up, step up, and speak up for what's right. I got a letter from a former caller named Tara, who shared her story of standing up for her child who had been molested. This is what she wrote.

"'Hi, Dr. Laura. I recently called your program and talked to you about my 11-year-old brother who had inappropriately touched my 4-year-old son. You told me to call the authorities immediately. I was so scared and even contemplated whether or not to actually do it. But I took your advice and I have to say you really knew what you were talking about. It worked out with my brother admitting to it and also telling us who was hurting him.'

We were devastated to learn someone was hurting him, but that person has now been prosecuted and behind bars. My brother is getting counseling, doing well. I just have to say that I'm so thankful that I followed your advice. Now my brother won't hurt anyone else. Thank you for your courage to tell people the truth they need to hear. I look up to you now more than ever. Well, thank you. It wasn't easy for you.

And it's kind of hard most of the time for me to nag that hard, but I do it. It helps kids. I'll do it.

From time to time, I happily get to find out if someone took my advice, and it makes me really happy that both Joni and Tara confirmed that not only did they act on my suggestions, but that things worked out for the best for the children in each instance. One of the most terrible injustices I hear about on my Dr. Laura program is that of divorced couples with minor kids who then start dating...

Blending families, as they call it, I call it a salad bowl, and putting their kids through the stress and insecurity of new relationships, oftentimes making their kids compete for attention from parents who have taken on the job of raising someone else's kids or making some new kids from scratch. It's heartbreaking, and the kids almost always suffer. I'd like to think that callers like Jay take what I have to say about the damage this behavior causes.

Listen to this call and tell me if you think Jay was willing to do the right thing for the kids involved. Jay, welcome to the program. What can I do for you? I just have a question. I've been with my fiancée for about a year and a half. And I, let's see here. How to put this? How old is she? She's a widow. How old are you?

Oh, I'm 37. She's 34. And when did her husband die? When did her husband die? 2020, I think, so about three years. And do you know how he passed? Self-inflicted. And does she have any children by him? Two. And how old are they? Right now they are seven and nine.

So this is the first time you've listened to my show? Excuse me? Yes. Is this the first time you've heard my program? No, I've actually heard it from her. That's all I know about you. She listens to a lot of things through you and she actually called in when everything happened and you gave her really good advice. One of the advice I'm sure was not to get with another guy. Father committed suicide. That's very different than having a heart attack. So there's stuff going on there. Yeah.

Yes, okay. Anyway, so she sent you here to ask what? Oh, no, she doesn't even know I'm calling you. Oh, okay. So, got it. From you. What would you like? So, I've been in the military 18 years, and I have a different parenting style. I grew up in the military, and my dad is very strict on us. I'm sorry. You have kids? Yes, I have two kids also. How old are your kids?

Eight and ten. Okay, I'm going to say this as calmly as I can. Yes, ma'am. It is outrageous of you to be involved in her life at all. All time and money need to be spent on your kids who lost their family. They don't need to spend their lives visiting you raising somebody else's kids. They need to see you committing to making their lives as best you can after the family got dissolved.

what you're doing is wrong and selfish. It is wrong to do this to your kids. It is wrong for her to do it to her kids. And when you, if you were to, I'm praying that today I'll get you off this road, because if you married her, you would not have any power or control. Your notion of disciplining does not matter to her with respect to her kids. Understand that.

You may have been in the military. However, you have no power or control or dominance or superiority to a woman's kids, especially when their father offed himself. So you would be powerless in that situation and neglecting and abandoning your own kids just for your own pleasure. Okay. Well, I appreciate the honesty. I expect something more from you.

from a military guy okay put your time effort and money into your kids they're damaged they're damaged don't damage them more by being involved with hers that's wrong to do to yours so uh you can't see that well not until now okay well that's why i'm here because people tend to think of themselves first

In these situations. Well, I actually... I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. No. I mean, I ask my children because their mother is not the greatest person. You cannot ask little children's opinion and expect them to do anything but try to make you feel okay so you will not stop loving them. Wow. How manipulative was that? I'm really close to my kids. That's why. So...

No, they're little kids and it's not an equal relationship. They don't want to lose you. You obviously can move aside and start parenting her kids, which is not going to fly. That's why there's a 70% divorce rate when there are kids, because you think you're going to be daddy and you're not. First, second, third, millionth time you disagree with her, you lose. That is true. I do. They're her kids.

They're never yours. You have yours. And you're going to subdivide your life to give your kids less. Please don't do this. Please don't do this. So what should I do at the end then? Should I break it off? That's correct. And then just go with my children? Yes. That you will never regret. Marrying her and then ending up in the 70% divorce rate. And that doesn't mean the other 30% are happy.

You have a better chance of regretting marrying her than not. Can you see that? Be truthful. Can you or can you not see that, statistically? Well, before I called, no. Can you see it now? No. Now I just think about it now, you know? Yeah. Thank you. Don't hurt your kids like this, please. And you might even knock her up and then kids become fourth and fifth and sixth wheels.

And then when the marriage breaks up, we have one bio between the two of you and the other two are hers. And how do you think that's going to fly? I get those calls all the time, you know. Did you have any kids together? Yes. Shit. Hmm. Okay. Please don't do this. It's hard, you know. You're the adult, you're the man, and you're a warrior. I'm thinking that difficult shouldn't mean nothing to you.

When something's right. When you didn't go into battle going, ah, shit, this is going to be hard. I don't think you did that. Yeah, I always thought that was different, you know, because I can definitely do that without even thinking. Right, exactly. I don't know, like I'm really close to her kids and really close to her. So it's like, you know. You shouldn't have been either. All that time should have been with yours. Anyway, I'm glad you listened. Yes, ma'am. Thank you for listening.

Thank you. One of the most disheartening type of call I get, and I really mean disheartening, is when people call, they ask me what to do when they darn well already know what has to be done, but they say they're uncomfortable doing it or scared of doing it. And doing it would protect somebody else, whether it's a child or an adult, a neighbor,

They would protect someone else. I believe that it is our moral obligation to stand between evil and the innocent. One of the things that has always stayed in my mind has to do with the Holocaust and World War II. I'm sure I don't have to give you the details, but there were so many people in so many countries who took in Jews, their whole families, and tried to hide them from the Nazis in the extermination camps.

Why would they do this? When they were caught, they were murdered with their children and sometimes hung up in the square of the town so nobody else would dare to stand between them and the innocent. And to this day, anybody who participated in standing between evil and the innocent, they're called by Israel righteous. They're the righteous ones.

They're the ones who put their values ahead of their own well-being and sometimes the well-being of their families. And sometimes it's just so perplexing. And when asked, why would you risk your own life? Why would you risk your family to help somebody? And, you know, all the research, everybody came up with the same answer, which is so beautifully simple. It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do.

So when you folks call me and say you're afraid to speak up, is the family will be upset, somebody will be mad, you won't be invited to Christmas, be righteous. It's the right thing to do. It's for your soul. It's ultimately for the world. Thank you for listening to my deep dive. If you enjoyed today's podcast, please send me a note. Subscribe to my Dr. Laura family and stay tuned. There's going to be more.

Now go do the right thing. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me to. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com slash drlaura and instagram.com slash drlauraprogram. Sometimes words seem so unnecessary.

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