Refresher: The Book I Never Wrote
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Kevin, more boxes? You said you finished gift shopping weeks ago. I did, so I got myself some gifts as a reward. That's a lot of gifts. Plus, with Chase Freedom Unlimited, I cash back 1.5% on every purchase. So it's like a little gift on top of the gifts. Oh, I get it. It's just like that saying. It's the gift that keeps on giving gifts for the gifts you give for giving gifts. And now you lost me. Chase Freedom Unlimited. How do you cash back? Restrictions and limitations apply. Cards are issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank and a member FDIC.

Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. I've been so very thankful to read all the amazing feedback coming in as you're sharing your gratitude.

for my newest podcast, Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. And this email from Charlotte is no exception. She writes, I'm a longtime listener. I was shocked and thrilled when I began listening to your Deep Dive podcast and heard you read an email I had written to you long ago regarding my cancer and my dear husband's response to it. I thought I'd give you an update.

My marriage is still going strong and happy after 43 years with three kids and nine grandkids. When I was driving and listening to that podcast, you can imagine my surprise to hear my email to you. Tears streamed down my face. And after thinking if I should let my husband hear it, I decided to play it for him. He said not a word as he listened. Big tears began to form in his hardly ever crying eyes. He was so dear to me.

he was remembering that tough time what i loved the most is that you called him rhett butler and i made sure he understood what you meant by saying that thank you for all you do charlotte oh charlotte thank you you know here a husband and wife demonstrate what they truly are thankful for each other and on this thanksgiving day i want those who have yet to hear this episode to listen to it now

and understand why they should be thankful in their own marriages. Choose wisely, treat kindly, and you'll have a wonderful Thanksgiving in your marriage too. And now stay tuned for my Dr. Laura's Deep Dive episode, The Book I Never Wrote. Happy Thanksgiving.

Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Offering new analysis and advice on some of life's more perplexing problems. Marriage, relationships, mental health, and more. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Whenever we're sharing stories on social media from my best-selling book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, there's always someone there to comment, well, aren't men responsible too?

Well, of course, of course they are. I didn't say they're not. Or they might say, I'll read the book when you write one about how husbands should treat their wives. First of all, can't I write a book about, I don't know, cats? Without you getting upset about me not including information about elephants? Yeah. But I do have a book that goes both ways. It's called The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.

I wrote this book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I could see that a bigger problem out there in the relationship between husbands and wives was women not really understanding their men and how uncomplicated men are. And men are much more complicated.

easily available to be flipped in their attitude than we women. We tend to be a little stubborn in remembering things from the past that upset us, in figuring that we're upset so we don't have to be giving and loving, of misinterpreting what our husbands are doing, feeling, thinking, and saying. I thought there was a real vacuum there that I needed to fill. Now, if you watch old cowboy movies about farming, whatever,

You always have to prime the pump to get water out of it. Men are very easy to prime. We women are difficult, we're tough, we're tougher to understand and to deal with than they are. Sometimes I joke that the proper care and feeding of wives would be one page, and I wouldn't get paid much for it. It would simply say, yes, dear. Seriously, though, I do talk all the time on my radio program about ways men should be treating their women.

It starts with asking yourself, how today can I make her life better? How can you make her happier that she's married to you? How much time do you spend giving your wife reasons to touch your face and look dreamily into your eyes saying, I'm so happy I married you. Do you turn your wife into a honey? How do you make her feel more like a woman? I'll give you a hint. Women want a strong man they can count on

To protect, to provide. What does that mean? Okay, let me read you this letter from Charlotte. She writes, several years ago, I got breast cancer. I had one breast removed and began chemotherapy. I was told my hair would fall out, my beautiful hair. Somehow I managed to accept the loss of the breast, but my hair? It was just another blow to my femininity, and I had been quite feminine.

The day my hair began to come out, I was alone. The next day, my grown kids had me over for a shaving party. We laughed together, and there was no reason to cry. In the meantime, my husband never balked at any of the loss of my sexiness. He made love to me as if I were, well, as attractive as I had always been. I wore wigs during the year it took for my hair to grow out, and he loved them, and I loved them.

Once my hair grew long enough, I didn't need them anymore. I gladly gave them up. You know, they were hot and made me feel like a gal with cancer. One day, my husband sweetly said he wished that I'd wear them once in a while to dinner. What? I hesitated, thinking, why should I? Then I remembered that I was his girlfriend. I had been so satisfied by his complete loving response to me, even after losing a breast,

and my hair, that I sort of rested on those laurels. So I started wearing the wigs occasionally, and he was thrilled. I did look good in those torn things, and I felt actually sexy when I wore them. Since then, I have remained my husband's girlfriend, and he has remained my hero. We're more in love now than we've ever been, Charlotte. Well, that gets a wow.

So Charlotte's husband is a Rhett Butler type, my favorite. Instead of sweeping her off her feet and carrying her up 100,000 stairs, he carried her through the battle with breast cancer. He made her feel like his woman. He protected and provided for her. We're going to pause here for a brief moment, then I'll be back to continue this deep dive.

We've got something deeper. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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So, men, make your woman feel your love through your action, in good times and in bad, and turn to each other instead of away from each other when things get tough. Men can keep their emotions bottled up, and that's not always so terrible. Part of masculinity is to be stoic. It's not a mental disorder. Or some men may treat when they're upset.

because they can't for the life of them figure out how to fix it. That's what was happening with Lee and Brian, who called to talk about how the stress of parenting a newborn was tearing them apart.

Lee, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. Thank you for taking my call. My pleasure. I have my husband, Brian, with me. Hi, Brian. Hello. And the reason why we're calling is we have a 20-month-old, and we're newly pregnant again. And

The, after the, after the, after our daughter was born, we started, I mean, we were arguing a lot. I just, a bunch of problems arose and we would like to know how to fix these problems. No, no, no, you don't.

That's not what I'm here for. I'm not here to fix those problems. I am here to help you two figure out why you take problems out on each other instead of turning to each other. Okay. It's the difference between, I stubbed my toe, hug me, and I stubbed my toe, you bastard. I've been pissed off with you all day. See what I mean? Yes.

So, I'm here to try to help the two of you figure out why you turn on each other, as opposed to come to each other and solve the problems together, because between the two of you, that's a lot of brain power, wouldn't you say? Yes. Brian, you've got a lot of brain power, right? You know how to solve problems, right? Yes, I do. Okay. The point is, you're supposed to solve them as a unit. Okay. Instead of kicking the dog when you come home because you're exasperated. So...

Help me. I'm going to take you one at a time. And since I've been talking to you, Lee, let me talk to Brian. So, Brian, when you get upset over a problem, what makes you get angry with Lee? I don't need to know what the problem is. Yeah. Well, I don't necessarily get upset with Lee. I just I don't I don't talk to her. I don't actually. OK, what makes you turn away from her when there's a problem?

Um, I guess I'm, I just, you know, it's just being frustrated. No, listen to my question very carefully because it's an important question. When you're upset about something, what makes you turn away from this woman, this woman you took to your soul in marriage? What makes you turn away from her? Okay.

I guess, well, I know why I turned away from her is because, I'm sorry. I turned away. I'm sorry, Dr. Laurel. Don't apologize to me for having a real feeling. Lee, are you holding him? She just... Sorry, I don't... Right now, Brian is very upset.

My expectation is that you're holding him. If you want him to come to you when he's upset, here's your moment. When any of us is upset and we're sitting across from somebody else and they're watching us be upset and they're just watching us be upset, we start feeling like an idiot and we start getting a little defensive and maybe even hostile because we feel we're being judged negatively for being so upset.

But if I'm sitting across from somebody and I'm expressing how upset I am and they come and just put their arm around me or take my hand, then I have no need to pull away or get angry because I'm not being judged, I'm being consoled. So when either one of you is upset about something, my expectation is that the other is going to do something physically lovely. Hold, touch, caress, kiss, even bring a cup of tea. So the problems you have are problems everybody has.

How you approach a problem makes all the difference in whether you will be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. I lived in New York until I was in my late 20s, and I was in Central Park, and I saw, I'm going to get emotional now, I saw two little old people. Arthritis had gotten their back, so they were a little hunched, gray hair, walking the slow little walks,

Must have been like 90, okay? Holding hands, walking away. So I saw the backs. I stopped and just burst into tears. Now, are they doing that because they never had problems? No, they were doing that because they never let go of each other when they had problems. And I know both of you come from families where maybe you didn't have good role modeling for how to do this. But it really is simple. Force yourself at first.

And as it starts becoming the feeling of a blessing, it'll come naturally. But when one of you is upset, the other shouldn't argue, debate. They should just hold you and let you get it out, whatever it is, even if it's something about you. I think that's exactly what we're missing, is we don't, you know, right now we're really far apart. Right now you're sibling rivalry types. Yes. You're not acting like you...

Like, Lee, you're not thinking past the wedding party. When he got down on one knee and then married you, you put his heart in your hand. Got to take care of that. So whatever happened up to the point of this phone call is history. Whatever happens from this point on, I want you both to have the image of that little old couple, probably married 60 years. And how did they get there? They didn't let go physically.

So are you guys touching each other right now, holding hands or something? Yes. Okay. Can you take your fat little belly and your bigger, ever-growing butt because you're pregnant and sit on his lap, please?

I hope Brian is a lot bigger than you because all that extra weight might crush him. Well, we just found out that we're pregnant. Oh, so, okay. Sit in his lap then. It won't hurt him. Okay. Another kid, more bills, more stress, no sleep again. It's scary, but you're hanging on to each other. That's how you're going to get through it. Okay. That's it.

So I need you both now, in your own words, to make a promise. Do it one at a time. Make a promise to the other about how you're going to turn to them when you're hurting or upset, and you're going to take care of them when they are. But I want you to say it in your own words. Wait a minute. I'm going to flip a coin here. Lee, you go first. Okay. And talk to Brian, not me.

Okay. The first part of it? No. Can you stop? Stop. This is not a movie. This is your life. Just look into Brian's eyes and tell him.

Brian, from now on, I promise to take care of you and help you feel good whenever you're upset. And I will never stop.

And I'm looking forward to the rest of our lives together and growing our family more and having you take care of me as well. Brian, it's your turn. Yes. Lee, I love you. I always will. And I know I don't turn toward you.

I look away when we have problems. Every morning, I'm going to wake up and I'm going to give you a hug and a kiss just to tell you I love you and I'm always here and I'd do anything for you. I love you. Love you.

I think we don't need me anymore right now. What do you think? Yeah. I think you should dump me and just continue to hug. Okay. Yes. Thank you. Okay. Kisses. Hang up on me. I'm not going to disconnect you. Go ahead. So, men, never let go of your woman when you have problems.

and provide some good moments. And remember that those good moments should not always be just about sex. Under those conditions, promoting sex is generally a turnoff. When she is experiencing emotional pain, she needs emotional, mental, physical foreplay. That's quite different. That's down deep in your soul. That's part of the bonding.

So you could just offer to rub her feet or her hands, touch her arm, her neck, her shoulder, compliment her, smile, wink, throw kisses. Take time to do small things like that. Point out how nice she looks or even better, how much you appreciate something she has done for you, for the family, for the kids, for your home. I think Stephen understood how to get more of what he wanted from his wife.

after our call. Stephen, welcome to the program. Thank you. Thank you for having me. How are you doing today? Thank you. Good. What can I do for you? Yes, ma'am. I'm not sure exactly what prompted me to call. I listen intermittently when my wife is with, you know, she'll be driving. And so I guess you could say I've been listening for a couple of years now, kind of recently started tuning in. I really appreciate your program and you and all the callers and

And lately I've been catching myself listening at work. Well, what I'm calling for today is I wasn't really sure, but what I want is I want to be more connected to my wife sexually, emotionally. We love each other dearly. We're brand new parents. How do you know that you love each other dearly? What makes you say that? How do you know you love each other dearly? I'm not sure if she feels the same way about me, but I love her. But you just said we love each other dearly.

You just said we love each other. I'll speak for myself. I love her. I love her. I want to be closer to her. When did you have the baby? Three and a half years ago. We have a boy girl. And three and a half years later, you don't hold hands. You don't snuggle. You don't take showers together. Why? No, that's going on. Nope. That's going on right now. But the question was why?

You know why? I'm not exactly sure why. I think she probably wants to be more for me, you know, and then when I initiate any kind of sexual. Do you initiate sex or do you initiate sensuality? If you're initiating sex, that's generally a turnoff unless she just met you three months ago.

But if you're initiating sensuality, wives like that. Like, honey, you've had a long day. Lay down. I got some oils. I'm going to rub your feet. Well, I guess I'm going to rub your calves.

I need to get more into that, sounds like. Yes. So drop the word. Shh. Stop babbling. Drop the word sex and put in the word sensuality. Now name me three sensual things leaving out the foot rubs with the oil that I just came up with. So give me three sensual things you could do. Holding hands would be one of them. Okay. Number one, holding hands whenever. Number two. Holding hands would be great. I think...

I think a back rub would be great. Three. Kissing. Okay, you don't need me anymore. Go forth and do all of it. You guys got to remember, coming on sexually is generally a turnoff. Coming on sensually builds up to sex. Women need mental, emotional, and physical foreplay. You guys are just engines ready, okay? We're just different. Besides, it's more fun when you get to play around for a while.

It's time to take a break, and then I'll be back to continue this deep dive. A deep dive. Deeper and deeper. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. Get the Honda of your dreams during happy Honda days with a sporty new Civic, Accord, HR-V, or CR-V.

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No way. No way.

Besides figuring out how to be more sensual instead of just sexual, I think one of the biggest issues many men make is not figuring out how to put his wife above his mother. Yeah, there are too many mama's boys out there. And this is not only a real turnoff to woman, it's an unsustainable way to be in a marriage. That's what was happening in Travis's and Diane's marriage.

Travis and Diane, welcome to the program. Hi. Hi. Hi, Diane. Hi. And how old are, how old is each one of you? I am 30. And 31. And how long have you been married? Three years. Three years. Okay. And in the three years, have you produced any kidlets? Two kids. One, two and one four months. Wow. You guys work fast.

Okay. What can I do for you? I got my mother. She's tough to deal with. In general? In general, yes. With everybody. So your mommy is not a nice person? Sorry, your mother is just not a nice person? Correct. Okay. More towards my wife. She's not a nice person. Why do you let her do that? I don't know.

I guess I let it go on too much too often at the beginning, and now it turned into... Why do you let her do that? I wouldn't say I let her do it. Yeah, you must have, because it... Sir, you must have, because if it's been happening all along, you must have let it happen. Whereas if I had been you the second time...

First time, I don't know. Let's see. The second time somebody was mean to my wife would be the last time they'd be around me and my wife. Yep. So you let her abuse your wife. Yeah, you're right. I agree. You're the problem, sir, not your mom. Yeah. And we all know it's a hungry grizzly bear. If you keep opening the door and it keeps mauling your wife, who's responsible? The grizzly bear or you at the door? Yeah, I see your point. I agree on that.

Okay, so where are we now? Right now, very minimal contact with my mom. Why is it minimal? Why is it at all? I guess with the two kids, I feel bad that she doesn't get to see them. That's absurd. Nasty, mean people should not be able to influence your children. Are you a mommy's boy? No.

You sound like a mama's boy. You worried about your mother. Your kids do not need a woman or a man to abuse their mother with the excuse that it's in their best interest to have that mean person in their lives abusing the mother. So whatever happened, I'm sure it's interesting, but your mother should never grace your cell phone or your home or your Facebook or your email again.

Ever. Because you made vows to Diane, not your mother. You're supposed to provide and protect Diane and your children, not feel bad for your mother. Yeah. Is there any way you would let her back in? Never. She's been like this since before the two of you were born. There's no difference in person. She's been mean before you two were born.

When somebody is on some medicine or have a problem, then okay, they're sorry. They take it back. They change. But no, there are people you just keep out, period, gone, gone, or your marriage will be destroyed and then your kids will be messed up. But Travis, you have not been the man. Okay. You have to step up now.

Or you're going to lose Diane's respect forever. You tell your mother goodbye and then disconnect her from any ability to contact you, which means you block her from everything and just tell her she's gone. That you were weak and allowed her to hurt your wife, and it won't happen again ever. By the way, there must have been some precipitating reason for this call. So what did your mother do that was finally so great that you made the call to me?

Oh, well, where do I start? No, just encapsulate it quickly. What did your mother do that was really over the line? Come on, there must be something juicy. I'll let Diane take that. Okay, Diane, what did his mother... Diane, all right, then let's get to it. Diane, tell me what his mother did which was way over the line. The biggest thing was probably a year ago when I lost my mom.

We didn't go home for Christmas because it was a week before Christmas that my mom passed. And she called to say that she was going to take us to court for grandparental rights because she needs to see her grandchildren and she has the right to see her grandchildren. No, she doesn't. Not while you're both alive and married. And no, she doesn't. I don't know of any state that has grandparents right unless there's a death.

So she doesn't have rights. She's a real bitch. Travis, you let that woman anywhere near you or your wife again, and I hope you get pimples for five years. Big, glowing, pustulating pimples that glow in the dark. That is one evil bitch. Okay, well, thank you. I hope he takes your advice. I hope you morph yourself into a real man, Travis. We sort of need you to do that.

Yeah, I got one thing. So let's say holidays. There are no holidays with her? No holidays with her. Oh, my God. I mean, like... Did anybody, when you were born, did anybody cut the umbilical cord? Yeah. Doesn't sound like it. I think his concern is for his grandparents.

How'd you cut the mom out without cutting out his grandparents? I don't know. If the grandparents want to come, I'll answer the question. If the grandparents want to come visit without your piece of crap for a mother, fine. If the grandparents don't want to visit because you won't allow the piece of crap for your mother visit, then they cut themselves out. Nobody will die from this. The kids will not be damaged from this. Well, we live quite a ways away, and my grandparents are getting up there in age, and

So for them to come and visit me is pretty tough. Okay, get in a plane, get in your car, go visit your grandparents. This is a ridiculous conversation we're having. Just go visit them. If they mean something to you, go visit them. If you want to bring the kids, bring the kids. My mother is likely to show up where we're visiting because that's the way she is. She don't care.

You tell the grandparents that you want to have a visit without your mother. If they refuse to do that, then they can die without ever seeing your kids again except by Skype. Yeah. But you don't understand. My mom is very, nobody controls her. She controls her own thoughts, please. No, that's because you've been too weak. You've let her control you, and you have the power to do that. Okay. I don't mean to be crude, and I don't mean to be too personal.

But between your knees and your belly button is some stuff that's supposed to carry you through all of this. Yeah. Yeah. Try using them. And people are going, and what might that be? Okay, pay attention. I'm going to summarize. Ready? There are things that men can do to properly care and feed for their women. A good husband, number one, is affectionate.

Not just sexual, not just foreplay to get some, but sensual, loving, all the time, when least expected. Cute moments. Number two is a provider and protector. Whether or not she has a job, women like to look at their men as providers and protectors. Number three, don't be a mama's boy. Goodness, help us. Don't do that. Number four is willing to just listen.

Instead of always trying to fix the problem. I know that's going to kill some of you guys, but sometimes we just want to keep going on and on and on. And we want you to listen, put your arms around us and say, it'll be okay. Number five is really present in the moment, right now, right here, and generally available. Giving time to wife and children, because guys, if you do that, it fills your life up with something deep and valuable that makes you feel good.

and important. Number six, turns toward his wife instead of away from her when dealing with difficult times and difficult issues. You need each other. Number seven, if you say you're going to do it, do it. Can I be more clear? So what makes your man a good husband? Send me your comments, your questions, and podcast feedback. Just go to drlaura.com and click the connect button.

Tehra.

Now, go do the right thing. Please join the growing number of listeners who have signed up for the Dr. Laura family. It's free. You get priority access to things like my Call of the Day podcast and my design store, which features jewelry, glass, and knitted items I personally design and handcraft myself. You also get our newsletter, The Daily Dose, and lots more. To sign up, go to drlaura.com, click on the pink box that says, Join My Family.

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