Surviving Thanksgiving - Tips for Family Gatherings
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There's a prominent conservative news host who announced that since the election, his liberal mother has uninvited him from Thanksgiving dinner. How sad to destroy a family over something like politics. 30 years ago, people could talk about being Democrats or Republicans or none of the above, and nobody wished anybody dead. But that's not the case today, even in families like

much less friendships. It used to be that you'd argue a little bit and then get on with your day and watch the game. Now we excommunicate, hate, become belligerent and insulting and rejecting. No wonder so many of you feel like you can't be authentic about your thoughts and feelings. And the truth is that most people are ignorant and uninformed even about their own point of view. I'm going to repeat that.

Most people are reasonably ignorant, not sufficiently informed about their own point of view. And the only information they're willing to put into their heads is that which confirms what they already think. So much of the time, when there's a difference in political opinion between two people, each person is only aware of their half of the loaf.

They don't even know what's in the other half. They're drawing their conclusions based solely on their half a loaf. That's what I explained to married couple Chris and Kristen when they called me during the heated political climate that marked the COVID crisis. Kristen and Chris, welcome to the program. Hi, thank you so much, Dr. Lahr, for taking our call. We love your show. Thank you. Hi, Chris. Hi, Dr. Lahr. How old are you both? Each?

I am 36. And I'm 44. And you've been married how long? We're coming up on five years on Saturday. Any little lunchkins? Not at this point. First, second, third, 84th marriage? What number marriage are we in? Yeah, this is my first marriage. And it's my second marriage. Yeah, and how come we got a divorce? She cheated on me. Oh, that was no nice.

Okay. What's the matter? What's the matter?

So, as mentioned, we're coming up on five years, and these last couple of months in quarantine has been difficult in trying on our relationship, especially with the election. We're on two completely different sides of the spectrum. Did you notice that before when you were dating? Did you notice that?

philosophically on those issues? No, actually, I kind of threw a curveball and changed my political stance with all that was going on actually starting in the last election. So to be fair, I was a little bit different in terms of my views when we first started dating.

Well, yeah, the last handful of years opened up many cans of worms that flipped people back and forth. That's for sure. Okay, I'm going to say something now to each one of you. Okay. You ready? Ready. Kristen, you're partially right in every opinion you have. Chris, you are partially right in every opinion you have.

OK, but neither one of you is right. Right. So fighting about it is stupid. Really? It's stupid. Chris, you're not right. You don't have all the information there is. I never even knew there was a swamp till 2016. I had no clue. I had this naive, very positive view. Now I look at what's going on and I think, you know, you must be kidding. I don't know how we've kept a country together.

For two centuries. So truth be told, neither one of us, not Christian, not me, not Chris, knows everything there is to know to really make an opinion. We don't know enough and we never will because there's too much lying and protecting and burying truth. So in reality, you two fighting each other is like two blind people fighting over something neither one of you can really see. Right. Mm-hmm.

So I wish you'd stop it because it's ridiculous. Neither one of you is right. You're partially right. And we don't even know what part right you are. True. Because I don't have enough information. I think if I did, I'd probably throw myself off a cliff. I don't really want to know it's as bad as it seems to be universally. Yeah, right.

You know, I used to watch movies when I was in my 40s and spy movies. And they always made, you know, the government look bad and there was corruption. And I used to walk out of the movies going, that stuff doesn't happen. Why do they keep making movies like that and making people negative? Wow. And so here I am 30 years later going, that was pretty accurate. So...

I urge couples to stop fighting because neither one of you has all the information to even know if you're right. That's just a fact. And I hope both of you are accepting what I just said is the truth. Oh, absolutely. No, that's amazing. I haven't thought of it that way. Yes. Yes. Thanks, Dr. Long. Yeah. Thank you. So I think you should. I think every time you think you're getting started on a little one of you says something and the other wants to pick it up, have sex.

No, I mean it. This is the rule. Any form of sex. I don't care what form it takes, if it's just necking or it gets really hardcore. If Kristen and Chris, really any of us, were actually willing to listen to the other half a loaf, then we'd have more information and probably wouldn't hate each other. It's very sad.

Very sad. I usually make a point of avoiding politics on the Dr. Laura program because I don't want such issues to interfere with my work in helping people be and do better in their lives. Avoiding a topic that has the potential to derail relationships sounds like a good idea, don't you think? That's why when Stephen called me looking for a way to handle visits with his politically agitated mother, I told him there was only one solution.

Stephen, welcome to the program. Hello, Dr. Laura. Hi. Thank you for hearing me out here. I think I got a problem. My pleasure. It probably affects more people than what we think, but my mother and I are different political opinions, okay? I'm not going to get into the politics of it, but when we go to visit...

And she will make smart comments about what she heard on her TV show or her newspaper. And I'll say, well, that's nice. Didn't quite get it right, but that's okay. And I'll be willing to leave it with that. And,

She'll say, she'll just keep going on. And I'll say, well, I got the video right here of what really happened. Okay. You're not going to do any of that from now on. What you're going to do is give your mother a hug and a kiss and say, when I come here, we don't do politics. When we do politics, I will hug and kiss you and go home. Okay. That sounds good because I think, all right, I don't even really want to go.

This is what you're going to do next time. And you are going to go. But in advance, you're going to say, we don't talk any politics, mom. There's no fun in visiting you if politics is going to come up. Then I won't be coming. So you go there. If she comes up with politics, you give her a hug and a kiss and say, I told you I was going to leave. Hug and a kiss and you go out the door. That's it. She'll get it. She'll get it. Okay. But you keep it going.

You keep it going. I'll show you the video. Don't keep it going. I'm going to have to take a break now. Oh, oh, oh, I'm having a political thought. It passed. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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And they make comments.

Family gatherings are not a time to be doing this, but some still will. Don't take the bait. When people are rude or say mean things, it's so tempting to snap back. Me, I'd have to take off my shoe, take off my sock, and stick it in my mouth because I would be so tempted. But don't do it. Step back. Take a breath. Don't let any of the bicker bait dangling in front of you catch you. You can change the subject. Reply with a smile.

Say you have to go to the bathroom, go to the kitchen, get some water, do anything but take the bait, especially right after an election. If you wish to have a relationship with your family in spite of your disagreements, the best course of action is to avoid bringing them up, even in your own mind. That just undermines your ability to have a relationship now. Unfortunately for my caller Melissa, her political exchanges with family led to a seriously sad division.

Melissa, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. How are you today? Good, thank you. How can I help? I...

Well, about two years ago, when the elections were happening, my aunt that I was very close to and a cousin that I was very close to out in California in the Bay Area started, we kind of got into a political discussion on Facebook. And just to sum it up, essentially, because I wasn't on their side of things, they completely

cut me off out of their life, 300%. I was very close to these people my whole life. I'm 54. Well, you know, in the past decade, there's been a lot of arguing about politics. Why did this moment explode so terminally? I mean, I'm sure you guys have talked about it and been on different ends. Why now was this so upsetting? Yeah.

I'm not sure. I think because I disagreed with my aunt, who is 82. You mean you agreed with your aunt politically until this one last time? We just never had really discussed it much before. It never had really come between us. We, you know, I was always close to my grandmother, which was her mother. Very close.

My aunt was the registrar of voters for many, many years in the county that she lives in. But this was like in the 80s was the last time she worked. So it became very heated. They got very angry, started making statements, you know, if you support so-and-so, get off my Facebook now. They just started pushing people away. And now they've cut me off. No Christmas, no birthdays. I get

nothing like they don't exist anymore. I got a breast cancer diagnosis about a year ago and when I tried to get back in touch with them to let them know the only response I got was yeah we're not going to engage with you and I don't understand how do you suddenly hate family and

Because they're not on the same political side as you are. Like, how does that happen? Okay, Melissa, I'm going to say something that may be just one of the most brilliant things ever to be said on radio. You ready? Yes, ma'am. Some people are like that.

I'm beginning to think so. Have you heard anything more brilliant? I mean, be honest. That is brilliant. That is brilliant. It's just that it hurts. I mean, I've cried over it. Melissa, Melissa, Melissa, go make more friends. I have a good circle of friends. Good. You don't need relatives if you've got a good circle of friends.

Having somebody genetically or by marriage related or by adoption doesn't mean for life they're going to be there for you. And if your idiot, bitchy aunt doesn't care about your diagnosis because you wanted to vote for somebody or other, what a vicious bitch. And how can she exalt any of her ideas when her lack of compassion for you with this situation...

is blatant. Come on. I know. Well, I had some friends say, obviously, they weren't where they should have been in their heads to begin with as family, if it's that easy. So it was just a tough lesson learned, I guess. Yeah. If you're going to fight with somebody about politics, which already is one of the dumbest things you can do in life, doing it on Facebook or Instagram or X or Y or Z only makes it dumber. So don't do that anymore.

I can't believe she really believes that. It's making me cry. Pass the cake. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Get the Honda of your dreams during happy Honda days with a sporty new Civic, Accord, HR-V, or CR-V.

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Talk to Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Deep. Remember Humpty Dumpty who sat on a wall? All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. And that's why certain things should never be said. And certain things should not be done. When it comes to the holiday season, I believe whoever is hosting should email everybody and say, quote, no discussion about the election. None.

Zero minus zero. Nobody should be talking about politics. It won't be pretty, even if you think you're all on the same side. So just don't do it. Don't poke the bear. Give your inner critic the day off. Try to just have a good time. Try to be funny. Try to be warm, outgoing, thoughtful, considerate. Try laughing a lot. And if everything I've said so far sounds completely...

insane, consider who your family is. If the thought of spending time with them makes you absolutely ill, don't go. You don't have to submit to being emotionally or verbally abused, so don't go.

The world is full of unhappy people, and sometimes these people are family members. The world is filled with unhappy and even bad people, and sometimes these people are family members. The world is filled with creeps, and sometimes creeps are family members. Hmm. Now go do the right thing.

If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. I got a line. He got a line.

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