The Benefits of a “Between Now and Dead” Mindset
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Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Any given day on my Sirius XM radio program, you're likely to hear me ask a caller. Yeah.

Listen up. Is this how you want your life to go between now and dead? It's probably my favorite Dr. Laura-ism because it really puts life into perspective, don't you think? It makes it more clear that there's only so much time. We forget that. It's gotten many a Dr. Laura listener to stop and think, like Doreen who told me, those words made me start analyzing my life. So she sent an email.

After nearly 59 years of marriage, I became a widow. In my 78 years, I had never lived on my own. So I moved in with my daughter and son-in-law, and that worked great for me for a while. But one day I was listening to your program and heard you ask a caller, how do you want to live between now and dead? Wow, wow, and wow. That really got me thinking, was this what I wanted?

Was I afraid to be on my own? And what could I actually financially afford to do? Fast forward, and my day-to-day life has changed dramatically. I now live in a 55-plus community in another town. I have activities that I enjoy doing with people my age and friends around to talk to. I'm within driving distance to my family. We see each other often. Between now and dead, I have a life I really enjoy.

You know, human nature is to stick with what's familiar. Even if familiar ain't good for us. Change provokes anxiety, so we resist it. But when you don't like where you are in life, you have options. You have options. Melody has been battling her weight unsuccessfully for so long that she thought she was just weak-minded and destined to be fat and disappointed in herself.

When a friend asked her to join a weight loss program, Melody knew she needed a different approach as she was going to be successful this time. She told me that between now and dead, that was the new mindset that worked for her. Melody, welcome to the program.

Hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. What's up? I am so excited to talk to you. I have been wanting to call in. I was going to wait until I got to the end of my little mission here. But you, because of you, I've been able to conquer or not actually conquer, but working on a lifelong weight issue. And something that you said has helped me.

And your phrase, what do you want between now and dead, has stuck in my head. And I've now, I joined a local church.

weight loss club and have lost almost 35 pounds oh my god 35 that's amazing wonderful I've got about 20 more I want to lose but I am so excited and I was going to wait till I got to my goal but I thought I can't I can't wait because you need to hear something good today and and I have used your quotes in the meeting and people have come up to me afterwards and said that is so inspiring

And so I'm talking your words to everyone else and they're loving it. Oh, my gosh. I'm impressed twice over. But let me say something about the goal. The goal was you taking control. You accomplished that. Thank you. I have. And I'm so excited. And just every day I'm excited. And I can't wait till I don't know. I just. Well, what have you done to lose the weight?

Well, I joined the club. Well, I, it was somewhere I have joined and rejoined and quit going. I always give up. I just gave up on myself and didn't believe in myself and just figured I've got a defeatist attitude that I just may as well accept it. And then I was thinking about going again. I thought, oh, I don't know. And then a friend came.

texted me and said she was thinking of going. So we went together and signed up for six months. And I thought, okay, I can do this. And this time it's got to be different. And your words have stuck in my head. And I thought, I don't want this between now and dead. I want to work at what I want. So that's what I've done. And I've, I've been a member since March.

So it's come off pretty fast, but I know it won't always come off that fast, but I want it to. Well, I am very, very impressed with you. And since you've been so inspirational to people. It's all because of you. You're my daily therapist. So I've been a faithful listener for at least five years. Thank you. I am going to put you on hold. I want Dan to talk to you.

We're going to use you, if you'd like, in one of our pro-am days, which is the pro-amateur hour here, or half hour, whatever we do, where you get to help other people with a similar issue because you pulled it together. And I do like to hear back what made the difference. And I think I agree with you. Between now and dead is a powerful notion. How do you want your life to be between right now and dead?

There's something about recognizing the finality of life, which is either very depressing or very motivating. You know, I'm kind of tired that I have this same schedule every day and it's really annoying and I'm not sleeping. Oh, Dr. Laura said between now and dead, is this how I want to live my life? If not, I better do something about it. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to think about that during the break. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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Dr. Laura's Much Deeper Deep Dive Podcast. Some people like to complain about their situations. My boyfriend's a workaholic. I'm no longer fulfilled by my job. My girlfriend spends all her time with her mother. Complaining does not improve your quality of life.

Only you can do that. It's a do thing, not a complain thing. Ask yourself, is this really the way I want to continue living between now and dead? If the answer is no, it's time to put a game plan together as I explained to Maggie when she called.

Maggie, welcome to the program. Hello, Dr. Laura. Hi, Dr. Laura. It's a pleasure to be on your program. Thank you. What's up? Well, I have a question for you. I want to know if it's worth it to continue to pursue working on my marriage or if it's time to just let it go. Is he working on the marriage with you?

He says he really wants our marriage to work. Oh, so he's motivated to work on the marriage with you. Well, that's hopeful. He is. He's motivated to work on the marriage with me. So are you guys in marital counseling to learn how to better things?

Okay, so we've gone to marriage counseling. It took very, very long to get him to the place where he was even willing to go to counseling. Unfortunately, our experience with the counselor hasn't been great. I've gone to one session, he's gone to another, and then we've had two...

sessions following that. The counselor kind of just forgot about our session one evening and, you know, he thought it was unprofessional. I said, well, we can look for another counselor. But he's at this point over the counseling. He, you know, he feels like... So what does he say that... Ma'am, let me get in here. So what does your husband specifically say that he intends to do to help make the marriage be better?

Okay, so he says that he feels we should just continue to live our lives and make good memories, and he hopes that... Okay, what would you like him to specifically do to make the marriage better?

I wish that his feelings can return. There's nothing that he's doing or not doing. He's just saying that in spite of all that he's done and all that he's continued to do, the feelings are just not there. You mean he says he doesn't love you? No, he says he loves me. He just does not have any feelings for me. Well, love is a feeling.

Right. So he loves me. Okay, I'm confused because love is a feeling. If I love somebody, that's a feeling. I can't say I love you, but I have no feelings for you because you can't put those two things in the same place at the same time. Okay, so what he's saying is he has no romantic feelings toward me. Oh.

So he feels you're more like a sister or a friend. Right. Okay. Okay, slow down. Slow it down. Are you willing? Do you have any minor kids? None. Okay, then you have flexibility. Do you wish between now and dead to stay with somebody who thinks of you as a sibling or a friend? No. Okay. Not fully. Then you have a decision to make. Because between now and dead, that's what he's offering you. Friendship.

He's saying to me that he's hoping that by making new memories and by... Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Yes? If you want, between now and dead, to create memories with a friend, you're home. If you want the opportunity to find somebody who loves you deeply, affectionately, passionately, then you've got to leave this marriage. It's a risk. You may not find that person, but what you have been offered is friendship.

You have to decide if that's acceptable. And only you can make that decision because only you would be living it. Right. You're only 43, so you have plenty of time to find somebody else if you'd like. But stop with the, he's hoping that something magical will happen. You want to put your life into the hands of maybe something might happen. He's serving himself by saying that. He wants your company. So he's putting a little carrot out there, hoping you'll bite.

I'm not going to give you what you want, but maybe if you hang around, it could happen. And you're going, oh yeah, can it really? Can it really? And then you're 53 and 63 and 73. It's a decision you have to make. You want to live with a friend. You want to get freed up to find a lover. You have to pick that. Nobody else. Got it. It was not always like that. He said he deeply loved me before. It's just not there anymore. Yeah.

Are you going to keep going in circles with this, trying to figure it out? No. No. You're not going to figure it out, Maggie. He's offering you friendship. Is that good enough? That's the decision you have to make. Yes, ma'am. I got it. Sad one, but it is the decision you have to make. Yes. I just have to follow through now because I definitely am not able to.

to accept what he's offering. You're able. You're not willing. I'm not willing. That's fair. Fair enough. I'm so sorry. Thank you for your question. I'm just so sorry. It's got to be very painful. But if he's not willing to go to counseling, then he's not willing to do anything. He just wants to go on holidays and have memory photo albums.

Dating is an especially good time to consider the between now and dead question before you commit any further, before you bring kids into the world or into the situation. Take an honest look and decide if things are going in a direction that makes sense for the rest of your life. When Jane was confronted with that way of thinking, she knew what she had to do. Jane, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Hi. What can I do for you?

My question is, how important is showing affection in a relationship? You're actually asking me a generic question. I don't accept generic questions.

I only accept personal ones. Okay. I am in a relationship about five months with the same age, 57. He's a widower. He's been married 30 years. I've been married 10. We were in our past. But he's not a touchy-feely guy, and he knows that's important to me, and I've kind of expressed that to him.

But it seems like it's still lacking. Everything else is great. I need a great guy in everything. Jane, if you marry him, because he has all these other good qualities, between now and dead, do you want to not have affection? Yes or no? That's a simple question. Well, then you can't keep dating him, can you? No, probably not. Okay. That's not who he is. Sorry. You've got to find a guy who's more kissy-huggy.

So you can't say generically because obviously for him, it's not important. Yeah. For you, it is. It's called a mismatch. So he needs to find somebody more like himself. I don't care what you have. I don't care what your friends say. I know. I know. Okay. I listen to you. Not one of your friends' opinions interests me. Just our discussion together. Okay. I asked you, do you want to spend between now and dead with no affection? No. Okay.

no matter what his other characteristics are. I agree. Thank you. Then tell him the truth. You're a great guy, really like so many things about you, but I really want a kissy-huggy teddy bear of a guy. Okay. The truth. Okay. I appreciate that. Thank you, Dr. Laura. You're very welcome. I know you should not have to do without that.

There are lots of things that might keep you from living how you want to between now and dead. Maybe your friends are telling you the change you're contemplating is crazy. Maybe you feel too old to make a change. It's mostly our own fears that hold us back from pursuing the things we dream about. But as I discussed with my caller, Teresa, you have the power to create the life of your dreams.

Teresa, welcome to the program. Good afternoon, Dr. Lawrence. Thank you so much for taking my call. I really do appreciate it. And I've got a bit of a dilemma, and I'm hoping you could help me out with it. Is it appropriate for me to change gears in my career at being almost 65 years old? If you can make it happen.

You don't need to explain it to me. You don't need to explain it to me. I'll answer you right now. Okay. If you can pull it off and it's what you want, why the hell not? Okay. It's what I want. Can you pull it off? Answer my question. Can I pull it off? I have the knowledge. I have the expertise. Yeah, I know. But can you pull it off? Will somebody give you the opportunity to do this thing you want to do? Yes or no?

What's the likelihood? 5%, 95%? Maybe 30, 40%. It would involve webinars. I have more questions for you. I'm trying to keep this very simple for you. Okay. If it doesn't work, can you still support yourself? I could go back to doing my traditional work. So you're certain that if you gave this a shot and it didn't fly, that you could go back

To what you've been doing. That's 100%? At least 90%, yes. Okay, then why not? Between now and dead, kind of exciting to have an adventure. It is, and I'm afraid. So, that's normal. Okay. You'd be kind of on drugs and in a coma if you weren't afraid. That is true. Well, what the hell? You're going to die in 40 years. You want to die in 40 years having given this a shot or not?

I would like to give this a shot. I feel where it's, it's where my heart is at. My heart is not... Then give it a shot. Nobody's going to put you in your room without supper. That is true. That is true. This is your life, sweetheart. Have an adventure. I need an adventure. Absolutely.

Yes. Okay, I do. I hesitated calling you because I thought it was kind of a silly question to be asked. I think it's a brilliant, deep, profoundly important question. And that is, at a latter part of our lives, the last third or so, can we take risks? And the answer is, of course, as long as you have a safety net. Yes. You have a safety net. So be scared. It's very exciting. It's very exciting. Yes.

I'm perfectly happy with how everything is in my life. Yeah, I don't think I'm buying that. Yeah, I tell myself all that all the time so I don't have to take on challenges. Yeah, Dr. Laura said between now and dead, really? Is this how you want to live your life? Okay, I'm glad there's a break time here. Let me think. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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So between now and death, how do you want your life to be? It's going to end sooner than you'd hope or imagine. So put some thought into it and choose your ideal between now and death. Pick your ideal path. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.

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