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Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Understanding sibling rivalry. You know, human beings are hardwired to compete throughout all of history. We've competed for love, power, territory. So sibling rivalry makes sense when you think about it. Remember Cain and Abel? Sibling rivalry is a natural part of the family dynamic.

with kids primarily competing for parental attention and approval. That's mostly what they want, especially from mama when they're young. And they'll try to get it in both positive and negative ways. Moms and dads just want it to stop. It can really drive you nuts. So today I'm going to help you understand sibling rivalry and give suggestions for how to minimize it in your family.

Anytime one child feels he or she is getting less attention, affection, approval than the other, sibling rivalry can kick in. Your goal as a parent has to be to acknowledge each child for their unique abilities and needs and to build cohesion and camaraderie as a family.

You need to foster a home environment that does not reward sibling competition, but instead encourages cooperation. Sit down to family meals together. As age allows, make sure everyone's involved in setting the table and cleaning up. Encourage kids to help each other. If one is good in math, have him or her help the others. The one who is a greater baker,

can teach everyone else. The irony is that the fighting that siblings naturally do can also provide an excellent opportunity to build unity between them, as I explained in my conversation with Raquel. Raquel, welcome to the program. Hi, how are you? Good, thank you. Thank you so much for taking my call, Dr. Laura. Thank you. What can I do for you? So I have

Two beautiful, I have three children. One, I have two girls and one boy. My son, God bless him, is a peaceful guy, never, never problem with anyone. But my two daughters, for whatever reason, they're bickering at each other on a constant basis. And can you tell me, yeah, this is very easy to fix. But can you tell me what it is they generally fight about?

About anything and everything. No, no, no. Can you think for a moment and just be specific about some things you've heard, please?

For instance, let's say they're going to the washroom and this is my toothpaste, this is my thing. It's always about, let's say she complains that her room is not cleaning up or you didn't pick up your clothes. It's always just for anything. Okay, when you have warring entities present,

I don't know, do you watch a lot of old classic movies? There's an old one from the 50s, when the Earth stood still, and it was these folks coming from another planet. There's a big robot and then a nice looking guy. And basically he said to the Earth, you guys can't get along. If you don't start getting along, we're going to obliterate you.

that was the original movie then made another one with keanu reeves oh terrible but anyway uh the original is very good but the concept is what you need to understand they are at war you have to find a way to convince them that they should become one army and this is the way you do it you sit them down tonight you say you two are good kids love you both your arguing is going to stop because if i hear arguing

I'm going to go into the kitchen and there's going to be a poster and I'm going to put a line on it. Doesn't matter who started the argument. Doesn't matter who finished it. It doesn't matter which of you is louder. It doesn't even matter which of you are correct. As if I hear fighting, there is a mark. Five marks and you both the following weekend do nothing. Can't go anywhere. Can't watch anything. Can't have anything. Can't do anything. Zero.

no electronics, no nada. So you'll tell them when you disagree about something, you're going to have to find a non-fighting way to resolve it because five marks and both of you are screwed. They will then test you out. They will fight because they forgot and they didn't take you seriously. And then you'll go, all right, putting a mark up and they'll come in and go, oh dear. And then there'll be a second markup. Uh-oh. Then a third and you just smile.

and you don't remind them that's very important never remind them tonight have the discussion and then say hey hey hey if you guys fight i'm putting a mark up don't do that just put the mark up because you want them to take control of dealing with their differences

I like that a lot. I've tried to help them. No, none of that will work. No, no, none of that will work. No, don't even go. Why are you just going to go on about things that failed? There's no point in talking about them, is there? You're right. This will succeed because you are trying to impose on them and that's not going to work. This is asking something of them for their own sake. They want to have fun on the weekends.

They will have to work together. It might take them a week before they believe you mean it. Never remind them. When they get to five, you pop your head in and say, don't make any plans for the weekend. You guys have five more. Hopefully it'll be better next week. And they will bitch at you and they will cry and they will yell. But my friend is coming over. But no, no, no, no, it isn't. So hopefully next week will be better. So you have no emotion about it. You are very neutral.

You are very relaxed. You can smile as much as you want. I like that, doctor. I like that. So get the poster board and put it up. Right. I know that my 13-year-old keeps complaining that she should have her own room and not share it with her sister. Well, that's nice. If we had the money, we'd have a bigger house, but we don't. So you have to find a way to make it work or you're going to be in a room with your sister all weekend too. You think this is bad.

Yeah, she's a 13-year-old. Tell her when she can get a job and, you know, put an extension on the house, you'll be good to go. My number, 1-800-375-2872. I have been to homes in places around the world where they have 8, 9, 10, 11 kids in one big room with quadruple bunk beds, and they get along. Because the expectation and demand of the family is you get along. Everybody gets along. It can happen.

but you have to stay very calm and have a sense of humor and put up the chart because then they go don't don't yell at me we gotta she might hear it let's just take the toothpaste i don't care i'm gonna have to take a break i'm gonna give you time to think about the sibling rivalry stuff you had to put up with when you were little and what you could do better for your kids today i'll be right back dr laura's deep dive podcast

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Okay, we've got Katie's projects, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back?

In 38 hours and 47 minutes. Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. Dr. Laura's Lunch Deeper. Deep Dive Podcast. Tell your kids that you expect them, them, to work out their differences without yelling, slamming doors, or just making too much noise. Irritating the heck out of you.

Of course, you're going to step in if things get physical, but your goal is to have them learn to work together, compromise, to treat each other with empathy. You don't care who started it. They just need to finish it together. Don't take sides and don't overreact. The more frustrated you appear to be with your kids, the more you will exacerbate the problem. So stay calm and try to have a sense of humor about it, but keep the humor part to yourself. Now, this is very important.

Anytime you see your kids doing the right things, praise them. The more you notice the good they do for and with each other and comment on it, the better. Give them the attention they're seeking for positive reasons. While you always want to look for ways to foster unity in the family, it's also really important to spend special time with each kid alone.

They all have to feel connected to you in some way. If your kid is two, three, four, whatever, and has been the center of your universe, and suddenly there's a new baby who gets a lot of attention, that's going to be painful. Your older child may start to pout, act like a baby, yell, scream, throw to get your attention. That was exactly what Lena's four-year-old had been doing ever since the birth of her sister and brother, prompting Lena to call me for help.

Lena, welcome to the program. Hi, thank you. Thank you. I have to say that in the past five years that I have listened to you, you have helped my husband and I tremendously with helping us create a beautiful life for each other and our children, and I am forever grateful for that. Thank you. And I have worked very hard the past few years to stop saying try unless I'm talking to my daughter about vegetables. Oh, good.

And instead I say, I will do my best or I will work very hard on that. And I have found that in my mind, it makes failure still a possibility, but it's a choice that I don't make lightly. Good. And so I have to thank you for that as well. Proud of you. I'm calling you because in February, I,

My husband and I were blessed with twins, a boy and a girl, and we have a four-year-old. And she is very good with the twins, but she has started some behavior over the past few months. And I've talked to her pediatrician, and she says that it's normal. I'm sorry. She has started what behaviors? I love when people say behaviors, but they don't tell me what they are. What behaviors? Tantrums.

In terms and in relation to the twins, my boy twin has a lot of health issues. He spent a lot of time in the hospital going back and forth to several doctor's appointments and therapies and such. And she has started, if she stubs her toe or bonks her head or anything like that, she wants me to call her doctor or take her to the hospital. I do my best to explain to her that

Mama can take care of that. It's okay. We can get an ice pack. And she is adamant to the point that I have even fake called the nurse before. And I don't think that that's a good idea to keep doing that.

However, I'm kind of lost on what else to do. And I can tell you what I have been doing, if that would help. What I have been doing is I have had someone come and sit with the twins that I trust. She's a medical professional as well. So it adds to that trust that she would know if my son needed medical attention.

And I will take my daughter out to do special things with her. We will go and get pedicures or we'll go to a museum. We'll go pick out a new book to read. We'll bake a cake, anything that, you know, just lets her know that she is still special and I'm still her mama and I'm still here, even though her brother requires a lot more of my attention at this point.

And as far as the temper tantrums go, I let her know that it's not okay behavior and that if she keeps doing it, X, Y, Z will happen. If she's throwing toys, they're mine. She kicked her door last week. I told her that if she kept kicking her door, that I would take it off the hinges. And she kicked it so hard that she put a hole in it and I took it off the hinges. So I'm at a point where

I do my very best to be consistent, and I believe I have been consistent. It's not working. Yes, it is working. It'd be worse if you weren't doing what you're doing. Okay. Okay, now let's go over a couple of things. One, one, let's go over, my turn. Let's go over a couple of things. Let's keep your responses to me short so I can help, okay? In terms of picking up the phone and calling, you can do that now and then.

And call and they said, oh, they said, this is something a mother can handle. Hang up the phone. That's it. So you bring it back to where it was. That'll frustrate her. But you also, I think, need to, I think what you're doing, you need those breaks. You need those breaks. Even if this were not happening, I would prescribe what you're doing anyway. You need these breaks, woman, mother. Okay, next. I believe you have to have a more...

I believe you need to have a more adult conversation with your daughter. You need to sit there and say, it is very sad that your brother, George, has serious problems. And it's sad to us. I'm sure it's sad to you, sweetie. It can also sometimes be annoying because you want to do something and we have to take care of him. So what's it like for you when you want our company and we have to take care of him? Let's talk about it.

What does that feel like? What do you think we could do to make it better? I mean, he's got these problems. You grew up without these problems. We didn't have to worry about these problems with you. This is very sad that he has these problems. So tell me what it feels like. And then you pursue, what does she think we could all do with the fact that she feels jealous or bad? Whatever it is that she says, don't judge it. Just use it. She will come up with things. Because you say, you know, kicking the door...

didn't make you happier. Throwing yourself on the ground and screaming just didn't make you happier. So your whole thrust is how can we make you happier? Because breaking the door didn't. Because if it did, we'd let you kick in the whole door. But it doesn't work. So let's think, what are we going to do when you're frustrated with the fact that your brother's sick? So you don't make her feel bad because it's normal for everybody. I mean, I'm not going to ask you to say a word because

But you and your husband would much rather this kid didn't have the problems. This has taken your lives on a turn you didn't anticipate and one which is very hard to cope with also. That's why I'm very glad you're doing these things with your daughter because you need this. So you need to tell her it's tough on everybody. It's tough on your brother. It's tough on everybody. So what can we do? What can you do when you feel annoyed? And she will come up with something intelligent. You'll be surprised.

When kids are permitted and encouraged, forget permitted, encouraged to talk about their negative feelings without judgment, well, sometimes I hate them. Well, that's understandable, but what are we going to do? What could you do to make yourself feel better when you're feeling that so you don't judge it so she doesn't have to hide it? And it's going to make it happen less often if she understands. It's normal to feel that sometimes, but it's not nice to do bad things about it. That's amazing.

Can I tell you one more thing? Yeah. Give you one more. Thanks. I didn't quite, twins were not expected at all. And we wanted another child. And I heard your voice in my head. And it's something I don't think I've ever heard you say before, but I heard your voice in my head. You've got this. You wake up every day and look at each child and what their needs are.

and meet those needs. And that is something that I have been accomplishing more often than not. And I just want to say thank you, because you're making me a better woman, a better wife, a better mother. And I don't know what I would do if I hadn't found you. Oh, I don't know what to say to that. But I wrote some children's books. May I send you a couple?

Yes. Okay. Are you people very religious? Because I have one called Where's God? We have that one, actually. Oh, you have that one? We have that and we have the Ten Commandments book as well. No, I mean the kids book. Yes. Okay. Kids will immediately calm down when you validate that their feelings are reasonable and that you understand and you care. Because ultimately, when the sibling rivalry hits...

That's what it's about. Carve out special time for each child just the way Lena was doing with her daughter. And for those times when your baby needs to be fed or changed, go ahead and involve the older child. Say, you know, gonna have to feed the baby, so let's just cuddle on the couch and read a book first. The older child feels, oh, I'm getting attention first, nice. And then your kid can keep cuddling with you while you're feeding the baby. Clever, gotta be clever.

I'm going to have to change the baby's diaper now. Would you like to help me pick out the next little outfit to put on? You get to decide. Again, you're fostering cohesion, cooperation, empathy, bonding. As kids get older, I like the idea of having a favorite of the day. Each day, one kid gets the favorite of the day privileges, like picking out the family movie, sitting in a preferred spot on the couch,

Whatever. You rotate the benefits every day. The arguments stop because everyone gets a day to be the favorite. No competition. They just learn to wait for their turn.

Later in life, when adult siblings aren't getting along, it's often the parents doing. Childhood conflicts that were not properly dealt with. Maybe the parents fought a lot, and that was how the kids learned to handle disagreements. A big problem is parents giving most of their attention to the pain-in-the-butt kid who gives them trouble with drinking, drugs, and such. Jessica was an adult when she called me. Bothered by the way her parents seemed to always prefer her siblings.

Our conversation sheds some light on how sibling rivalry can persist through the decades. Jessica, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you. What's up? I will let you know that I'm pulled over on the side of the road so that I can talk to you. So hopefully you can hear me okay. So...

The conversation that you've been having, I've been in and out of it today, has been about family fairness. And it's something I've always struggled with. I am very aware that, well, first off, I'll tell you, I'm 41. I'm a middle child. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own. But I also have an older sibling who's 44.

And I have a younger sibling who's 37 or so. And I always feel like my parents treat them differently because I make more money. All three of you are different. All three of you are different from the day you were born. Some mothers have called me and said, I've had two kids, one right out of the hopper, like to cuddle. The other right out of the hopper wanted to face out. And there's going to be a different kind of relationship.

We women respond differently to something that cuddles with us than something that doesn't and is from the hopper, out of the hopper, more independent or disconnect or something, whatever word you want to have. There's no way all kids are ever treated equivalently because the kids aren't the same. Yes, you're 100% correct. We are so different. Yeah, not better or worse, just different.

And you have a number of friends, right? I do. Over the years. Okay. Some of them you're more comfortable with than others. Some of them appeal to you more than others. Your personality matters too. Your personality is a good fit with certain other personalities and not so great a fit. So some people, you like them better than others and you put up with them. Because all in all, they are good friends. That's what happens in families also. So...

How do I reorder my mind to say, okay, let it go. You're good. No, I'm not asking you to let it go. No, no, no. I'm telling you to acknowledge it in your own head and to say, however, it's not a measure of love. Okay. But the love is expressed differently because we're different. We have different needs, different personalities. Yeah. Yes. That's what I have to get in my head, that it's not that they love us differently or more or less. Right. Right.

Right. Okay. And when they're buying things for the other sibling or taking care of them, I just... Well, they must think, they must have more compassion for that person than they have for you because you're so confident, competent, and successful in your life. Okay. And, you know, when you go to pick out a puppy or a kitten...

You tend to look at the one that looks the most pathetic with the ear that doesn't stand up. Right? Because we go, oh, that one needs me. That one needs me. Those don't need me. They can go anywhere. That's how we are as humans. Okay. That is what my dad said. He said he kind of doles out according to need. Right. I just didn't think it was fair. He didn't mean bank account. He meant competency. Okay.

He just didn't know how to say that. And if he should, I would guess you are the most successful child in the family on a number. I don't mean money on a number of levels. Stability, happiness, doing fun things, good family. I bet your siblings are a bit envious of you. So to make it fair, they give them stuff. Right. Because they don't know what else to do.

Yeah. Okay. I think that's exactly right. Yeah. You're the most respected by your parents. Betcha. Well, I need to start, stop being a brat then. No, be, be honored. This is a statement of how much they think of you as opposed to them. I can do that. Okay. Call me. I can do that. Thank you. Okay. Little break time. You remember when you were bratty, when your baby sister or brother was born?

Hmm. How did your parents handle it? And how might you do better? I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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Under Biden, Americans' costs of living skyrocketed. Food, housing, auto insurance. Lawsuit abuse is a big reason everything's more expensive today. Frivolous lawsuits cost working Americans over $4,000 a year in hidden taxes. President Trump understands the problem. That's why he supports loser pays legislation to stop lawsuit abuse and put thousands back in the pockets of hardworking Americans. It's

It's time to make America affordable again. It's time to support the President's plan. Prices keep going up these days. It feels like being on an elevator that only goes up.

But not at Metro. We're pushing the down button. Going down. We've lowered prices. Get one line of 5G data for $40, period. That's 20% lower. And you get a free 5G phone when you bring your number. Only at Metro. Five-year guarantee on eligible plans. Exclusions apply. See website for details. Not available if at Metro. With T-Mobile in the past six months. Tax applies. ♪

Okay, we've got Katie's projects, Dan's bake sale, Emma has a test tomorrow? Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while Mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now, Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door? Wait, what? Really? Yep, just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. We'll bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door. Thanks. Dad, when does Mom come back? And

in 38 hours and 47 minutes. Now, your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart. Delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. You don't have to be perfect to have a happy family. With the right strategies, parents can create a harmonious home that encourages cooperation, understanding, appreciation, each person's unique traits and contributions.

If you need help smoothing out a sibling squabble, call me at 1-800-DR-LAURA or go to drlaura.com and make an appointment to speak with me. Now, go do the cooperative thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

Yeah.

It's time to make America affordable again. It's time to support the President's plan.