When Coming Out Tests Family Ties
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Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. When coming out, tests, family ties, children yearn for their parents' love.

We've all sought our parents' approval at some point. Our kids want to make us proud and not disappoint us. At the same time, parents have hopes and dreams for their children. Most of us have some vision of how their lives will turn out. So it's understandable that the topic of coming out can be difficult for both children and parents alike. I had a listener, Paul, who called to share his coming out experience.

At around 25, he came to terms with his sexuality, but could not quite muster the courage to tell his family. Fortunately for him, one of his sisters guessed his secret and offered to be the one to tell the parents. Within days...

His father, who had never been the warm, fuzzy type, who checked up on his kids, called Paul to say that they were processing the news and wanted to make sure he knew that they loved him very much. Over the years, Paul's relationship with his parents became stronger than ever. He even moved back to his small, conservative hometown in order to stay close.

Paul said, quote, by me coming out, the elephant that had always been in the room was given a chance to exit. I lost the first 25 years of being close to my dad, but the next 15 were phenomenal until he passed. What I took away from that conversation with Paul was that the sooner a gay child can speak honestly with their parents, the quicker the family can move forward with a more honest and hopefully loving relationship.

So when 52-year-old Pat called asking if it was finally time to tell her elderly father that she was gay and in a loving relationship, my answer was definitely yes. Pat, welcome to the program. Thank you, Dr. Laura, for taking my call. You're very welcome.

So I am a 52-year-old independent woman. I am in a lesbian relationship. My question to you, I need your advice, your opinion. I am not out to my family, although a sibling is very suspicious. My father is in good health, but he is in his early 90s.

the way we were raised in the Southern Baptist Church, it would not be, I think it would disappoint him if I came out and said, Dad, I am in a lesbian relationship. I have had to hide my relationship because of my previous employment. However, now I do not have to, and I'm just feeling burdened. Maybe I feel guilty that I haven't said to Dad, this is

This is who I truly am. Although he may suspect that he's never said anything. So just need your advice. First of all, we'll take down your name, number, your address, your social security number and everything else. Because if you do tell your dad and he never had that idea, I'll give you 10 bucks. He knows. Okay. One of the earliest papers I wrote, I didn't do too many papers.

In fact, I think I did one. So it was one. And I did research on if parents knew and when they knew and how they knew. And a good 85% knew. And the others just were in denial. He knows. He knows. And to some extent, he's... May I finish? Yes, ma'am. To some extent, he's conflicted.

Because his version of the religious situation is that this is very bad. On the other hand, he loves you very much, which is why he never beat you over the head because he didn't know about this. He didn't know how to deal with his conflict the same way you don't. So I think you go and hug him and say, I'm gay and I'm in a relationship and I'm very happy and functioning and all of that. And watch his expression. It's not going to look like surprise. Okay. And then hug. Don't make it a big deal.

And considering his age and religious background, don't use the word lesbian. Just say you're gay. It sounds more cheerful. Okay? Okay. Okay. I mean, it used to be, remember in the old days, there was a movie, a dancing movie called The Gay Divorcee. You know, the word was used just to be cheerful, happy, and go lucky. So people still have that notion in their minds. So use the word. It smooths it out a little bit. But he knows, Pat. Stop torturing yourself. Okay.

Okay. He can't watch you 53 years of your life and not have an inkling. Sure. I agree. He didn't, he didn't want to deal with it. You didn't want to deal with it. Hell, you love him. He loves you. Deal with it. Okay. Okay. Part of me just thinks, just wait till. Which part? Your elbow, your ankle, your tushy, your left ear. Which part?

My whole self. But you're right. I should just talk to him. Yes. Thank you. Of course it's going to be a little scary because you've been thinking that he would reject you. Right. And you thought you would go as long in your life as you could without feeling that rejection. Right. You know him quite well. Yes. Do you believe for one moment he's going to reject you? No. Okay. Go hug him and tell him. Thank you. You're welcome, sweetheart.

When your child has decided to confide in you that he or she is gay, the only thing you need to do is listen. You don't need to ask questions. You don't need to give advice. You certainly shouldn't be offering any warnings. Gay children just want to know that their parents still love them. Chances are that your child has known the truth of their sexuality long before they discussed it with you. If you were proud of them before, you can continue to be proud today.

Not everything has changed, and their sexuality does not have to be a point of contention between you. When I was a professor at USC, there were a number of students who would come out to their parents with me in the middle, trying to help guide the process. I had one student in particular, and I recall it being so painful for him, but he was able to tell his parents with me over dinner one night, and his dad after a while asked me, well, can you fix him? Wondering if I could make his son straight.

My response was that I could probably do that as easily as I could make the dad gay.

Parents sometimes hope there's some therapy that can alter their child's course, but that's as likely as they themselves becoming gay through therapy. Being a lesbian or a gay male is generally not a whim. It's a self-acknowledgement. And when your child comes out to you, one of the first things to ask yourself is if you want to preserve your relationship. If your answer is yes, then keep your eye on that goal and proceed with love.

That's what I told Michelle when she called me, shocked by the news she had received from her daughter. Michelle, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for the work you do and for helping us all live with the highest level of morality, character, and reason. I appreciate it. Thank you. Nice of you to say. Thank you.

You're welcome. So I'm calling today. I've been through some trauma in my life. I'm a cancer survivor and recently divorced, but nothing has shaken me to my core. And my daughter just told me on Monday she's in a romantic relationship with the woman. She is 22. Can we just go over that again?

You could have died from cancer, but your daughter being gay is worse than almost dying. You lost a marriage. It may have been more than one, but your daughter being gay is worse than losing what was supposed to be a lifetime partner. Isn't that a little out of whack? It really is, and that's what I'm struggling with.

Okay, dying of cancer is worse. Losing your relationship is worse. She's gay, she's not dying, and she's happy with someone. That's it. You're not going to change it. It is what it is. Right. And so I guess the thing that I guess that's shaken me the most, and don't get me wrong, those other things. Oh my God, please do not use shaken.

Okay, I won't. She's not in a Russian prison and she hasn't committed felonies. She's just gay. Yeah. I don't understand using, I was shaken to my core. Why? I guess just because, you know, I grew up. It doesn't matter how you grew up, honey. We're not talking about you. We're talking about your daughter.

Yeah, I changed it to we raised her, you know, with Christian principles. You don't raise somebody to be gay. You do not raise somebody to be non-gay. They are. Okay. And she said she thinks she's bisexual is the way she said it. Well, that's the way she tried to make you feel better. Mm-hmm. That gave you hope.

Yeah. And a part of that, too, I guess, is that Michelle, what did I say to you? What did I say to you when you started with the Christian stuff? What did I say to you? And raising her? What did I say? That you can't raise somebody into not being gay. Yes. So why do we have any further discussion? Further discussion?

I just, I kind of want to share like my observation as an educator and that... Michelle, I don't need to hear your observation as anything. She's gay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. And so I guess a question for you, and I know we're going to move on, is so nobody, you're never coerced or the environment or...

Oh, to act out, to be, oh yeah, you go to women's colleges and just about everybody acts out lesbian for the four years and then they go back to who they really are. I've heard that a zillion times. But no, not the core, I'm gay. You don't change that. Behaviors, yes. You can behave all kinds of ways with coercion. Yes, but that doesn't mean you are gay. That just means you're acting out same-sex sex. So that could be the case. She's acting out.

No, she's on her own. She's 22. Do you want to stay close to your daughter? I really do. Then stop this. I'm warning you. Stop this. And if you're a religious Christian, God loves her just the way she is. Absolutely. I believe that. Well, then stop it.

Don't be more critical than God. Yes, ma'am. All right. Thank you, Dr. Laura. I appreciate it. I don't want you to lose your daughter. I just want you to stop pushing to make her straight. I have to take a break, and I need you to think about your baby when he or she was born and the love you felt. Hold that thought. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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No matter what you do to guide your child through life, what concepts you've raised them with, what thoughts and philosophies you've tried to reinforce, they're going to find their own way. And then the question becomes, are you going to continue to show them your love? Parents are not supposed to be loving only when their kids are doing the things they wish or expect them to do. You don't have to approve of homosexuality to offer your parental love.

My listener, Todd, did not agree with his son's gay lifestyle, but he did want to repair their relationship when we spoke. Here's the advice I gave him for how to begin doing that. Todd, welcome to the program. Hello, Dr. Laura. I've been listening to you for a long time. Thank you. So I have two boys. One of them's 25, one of them's 21.

So I haven't had a great relationship with the older 25-year-old. And why is that? And why is that? He just moved up to Brooklyn, and I'm actually going to see him next month. No, why have you not had a good relationship with him? And I don't think it has anything to do with Brooklyn. He's...

Living with another guy, I don't know if that has a whole lot to do with it. Well, you would know what's in your mind and heart. So do you have a problem with him being gay? You can say the truth here. It doesn't help you not to. Yeah. I mean, it feels bad to say it. So does that mean you're ready to be more accepting that he's gay? I mean, I don't really have a choice, right? Yeah.

Yes, you do have a choice. You can continue having no relationship with him. That is your choice. Yeah. So he's finally started. I have a question to ask you. Did you not having a good relationship with him cure him of being homosexual? Hmm. Did it? Maybe. You mean he's not gay anymore?

No, he still is, but... Well, then it didn't cure it, did it? Why did you say maybe? Are you understanding my questions? Yes, ma'am. You punished him by having no relationship with him. Did it change his being gay? The answer is no. Would you like to have a relationship with your son even though he's gay? Is your answer yes or no? Yes. Okay.

How can I help you do that? Well, I've been trying to reach out to him and be more, talk to him more. So now when he texts me or calls me, he calls me by my first name. He doesn't call me dad. Why? Because you haven't acted like one. You are correct. But I mean, so now when he reaches out to me, he calls me by my first name instead of dad.

Right. I don't know how to solve that. I can tell you how to... You don't have a relationship to strain. When you get there, you need to sit with him and say, point black into his face, I had and probably still have a hard time with the fact that my son is gay. However, I love you, I miss you, and I'm going to be more open about the situation. Okay. Yeah.

You've got to give him something. Okay. And not talking to your kid didn't change anything, and you lost all that time with your son. So let's not lose any more time with your son. All right. Okay, the first thing you need to say is something like that. Don't just talk about the weather and how he doesn't call you dad. Talk about what happened and how you're changing. Okay. Okay.

And you don't have to say you're totally cool with it when you're not. The truth is always better. I'm not totally cool with it. I don't know if I ever will be, but I love you and I miss you. And I want us to be part of each other's lives. So I'm just going to be more open about it. If you say that to him or something extremely close or even better, you have a good opportunity then to have a relationship that you will value for the rest of your life.

Okay. Thank you. You're very welcome. And I'm glad he's giving you a second chance. I'm going to take a break, which gives you time to rethink being critical when you need to be loving. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

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They'll actually like. Now these new glasses, total vibes. Buying new glasses has a new look. Welcome to your Walmart. Valid prescription required. Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Deep. So, what is your ultimate goal? Do you want to have a relationship with your kid? Once you have decided that you want to have your gay child in your life, you can focus on what you need to do to make that happen. The exact path may not be completely clear, but

But you know what your goal is, and let that guide you. That's what I tried to explain to Regina when we spoke. Regina, welcome to the program. Thank you, Dr. Lahr. Thank you. What can I do for you? I recently found out that our daughter is gay, and my husband and I are having a very difficult time accepting the news. And I want to know what your suggestion would be. Suggestion about what?

about trying to accept the news that I got. Well, you only have two choices. You have her in your life or you don't have her in your life. I understand that. And which choice would you prefer? She's in our lives. Okay. So if you're going to keep her in your life, you don't have to be happy that she's a lesbian. You don't have to prefer it, but you have to not give her a hard time about it and be nice.

So you don't have to change any of your feelings or morality issues or anything. You don't have to change any of that. But if you don't want to lose your daughter, then you have to be polite. And that's where the word tolerating comes in. You don't have to accept that she's gay, but you have to tolerate it in a nice way.

So it tolerates the person that she's with when we meet this person. Yes, you have to tolerate that in a nice way or you lose your daughter. So you keep your motivation on, I want our daughter in our lives. What do we have to do to make that happen? We have to be very tolerant of the situation or we lose her. Yes, we are tolerant, but we're still having a difficult time.

Oh, you probably have that till the day you die. I hope not. But you very well may. It may never go away that you don't like it. Yes, very true. But I'd rather you don't like it and have your daughter in your life than don't like it and not have your daughter in your life. Yes, definitely. So you have to be polite.

Loving your child on your terms is called conditional love. Your child needs your unconditional love. It doesn't mean you forfeit your values. You don't have to approve of homosexuality in order to accept the reality of your family's situation. And the acceptance goes both ways, as I discussed with Robin when she called about her husband's refusal to attend their daughter's wedding to a woman.

Robin, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. I'm a married woman. I've been married for almost 40 years to my husband. We are, well, not quite 40 years, but we are both 57 years old. We have three grown children, and I am their mother. I'm my kid's mom, but I do have a dilemma in my family.

And that is my daughter, my oldest daughter is a lesbian and she is marrying her fiance. And it's without really trying to sound terribly dramatic. I have the feeling that before this is all over with, my family is going to completely change and not in a good way. My husband died.

said from the very beginning that he is not going to go to the wedding. And my dilemma is whether or not I am going to go. Okay, is he not going to the wedding because you guys have certain religious convictions? He is saying it's because it's wrong, you know, morally for him. And I can't really say that. I kind of feel the same way, but also she's my daughter and I feel like I... Okay, stop, stop. Okay. I don't want to hear because she's your daughter.

Because Charles Manson could have been your son. Right. So I wouldn't want to hear, I'm going to go bring him a birthday cake because after all, he is my son. Right. So that argument, I...

I disrespect. I do want to tell you, if I may, that I did tell my husband and he also said, he said, you make your decision. You do whatever you want to do. I'm just not going. And OK, I wanted to say something. You already repeated that about him. So I didn't need to hear twice. It's OK. I promise you I listen. I believe it's very important within families and within a culture that people maintain their values.

So if it is against your values for two people of the same gender to be married, then you have to say to her, it's against my values morally for two people of the same gender to be married. However, you are my daughter.

I do wish to have a relationship with you for the rest of our lives. Right. But this I will not do because it is against my values. Okay. And I'm not going to breach my values the same way I don't expect you to breach your values. Okay. Because I brought you up to have values and to maintain them. Well, that's what I'm doing. But I want us all to enjoy our future together.

But you're going to have to understand that simply because you want to do this and simply because it has become a law in some places that you can do this doesn't mean that we're going to accept it, embrace it, or think it's right. So that's the bottom line from your parents who love you and want to have a relationship with you for the rest of your lives. But we're never going to call her your wife. Right. We're going to call her Mary. Okay. She's a nice girl, Mary. We like her. So that it's real clear that this is not hostility.

That you're not trying to change what she plans to do, but that you have certain values. She's going to have to accept them the same way you're going to accept that they're going to be together, married or not. They're going to be a couple. And you're going to have a relationship with them forever because you love her and you like Mary. Right.

So you make yourself clear. Otherwise, there is absolutely no point for anybody ever to have any values because if somebody's genetically related, you're supposed to drop them. I don't embrace that mentality. Okay. All right. Well, thank you very much. You'll be respected a lot more by both of them, ultimately. Okay. And do remember the whole range. We love you. We expect to have a relationship with you. We like her.

You're going to come over for turkey dinner? Right. Well, she's already made it clear that if her dad doesn't come, it's going to change how she relates to him. Well, then it's relate to us. And it's your responsibility to present it the way I just presented it to you. Okay.

I understand. And I have also told my husband that I refuse to allow it to come between us. So this is perfect. So I really appreciate it. And she has to realize that simply because she wants to do something, the whole world doesn't have to accept it. And if she's going to excommunicate, listen carefully, she's going to dump her dad because his mother,

moral framework does not embrace that, then she's just as bigoted as she thinks he is. I agree with you 100%. Okay, but save that for the very, very end, and hopefully we won't have to use it. Religion, moral codes, cultural beliefs, we all have reasons for the way we feel, and everyone is entitled to their values and opinions.

Relationships work best when each person shows consideration for the other. Sometimes we have to put our feelings aside and just be polite in order to build something positive. You may never approve of your child's sexual orientation, but when you get up in the morning and say, this is not the direction I would have chosen for my child, but I love him and I want to continue being in his life, then you know.

you've reached a point of acceptance. Now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

Sometimes the most painful part of getting sick is the getting better part. Waiting on hold for an appointment, sitting in crowded waiting rooms, standing in line at the pharmacy. That's painful. Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy remove these painful parts of getting better with things like 24-7 virtual visits and prescriptions delivered to your door. Thanks to Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy, healthcare just got less painful.