Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.
My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com slash results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Out of your mouth, child. Delusions. It's mucous membrane, bro.
My jokes don't go over. I don't care. Man, you are one pathetic loser. If you just read the bio for Dr. Steve, host of Weird Medicine on Sirius XM 103 and made popular by two really comedy shows, Opie and Anthony and Ron and Fez, you would have thought that this guy was a bit of a, you know, a clown. Why, you give me the respect that I'm entitled to!
I want a requiem for my disease, so I'm paging.
From the world-famous Carnivore Electric Network Studios in beautiful downtown OJ City, it's Weird Medicine. The first and still only uncensored medical show in the history of broadcast radio, now a podcast.
I'm Dr. Steve with my little pal, Dr. Scott, the traditional Chinese medicine provider who gives me street cred to whack alternative medicine assholes. Hello, Dr. Scott. Hey, Dr. Steve. My partner in all things Tacey. Hello, Tacey. Hello. And my partner in every other thing other than the things Tacey's partnered with me with, Mel B. Hello, Mel B. Good. N.P. Mel B., the lady with no thyroid. Good.
That would be me. That's your tagline. That's a stupid tagline. This is a show for people who never listen to a medical show on the radio or the internet. If you've got a question, you're embarrassed to take your regular medical provider. If you can't find an answer anywhere else, give us a call. 347-766-4323. That's 347-POOHIT. Follow us on Twitter at Weird Medicine or at drscottwm.
Visit our website at drsteve.com for podcasts, medical news, and stuff you can buy. Most importantly, we're not your medical providers. Take everything in with a grain of salt. Don't act on anything you hear on this show without talking it over with your health care provider. All right, very good. Don't forget to check out stuff.drsteve.com. That's stuff.drsteve.com. And if you have a friend or if you yourself have a stringed instrument, let's say you got a gift,
of a stringed instrument for the holidays and you don't know how to play it, go to rhode.drsteve.com. It's R-O-A-D-I-E.drsteve.com to see the Rhode Robotic Tumor. Tumor. That would be weird. Robotic tumor. The robotic tumor. Jeez, I said it again.
Say it five times real fast and see. I don't know. But anyway, or you can see it at stuff.drsteve.com, but you can just scroll down. And basically, you pluck the string and the thing turns the key for you and tunes your instrument. Also, they have the Rody Coach will teach you how to play your instrument. It's a little thing that you clip onto the instrument, and then there's an app that goes with it. It'll teach you to sing and play and all kinds of stuff. It's pretty neat.
Check out Dr. Scott's website at simplyherbals.net for the best CBD nasal spray anywhere.
And check us out at Patreon, patreon.com slash weirdmedicine. I'm putting all the classic old weird medicine stuff that you can't find anywhere else is all on Patreon. And if you want me to say fluid to your mama or any other damn thing you want me to say, go to cameo.com slash weirdmedicine and I'll do whatever you tell me to do. Within reason, of course. All for...
Five measly dollars. All right. So check out Dr. Scott's website at simplyherbals.net. That's simplyherbals.net. And check me out on Normal World, youtube.com slash at Normal World with Dave Landau. And if you've got some questions for Ask Dr. Steve on Normal World with Dave Landau, send me an email at
You can go through our website at drsteve.com. Just click contact. That thing's working again, I think. And if not, send me something on X or our Patreon channel, patreon.com slash weirdmedicine. Or just, you know, give me a shout out anywhere you see me.
And that's about it. How are things going at simplyherbals.com, Dr. Scott, or simplyherbals.net? Simplyherbals.net. Did it. Did it. Yep. Yep. Everything going okay? Everything going pretty well. All right. Very good. Tacey, you got any topics for us today? Yes, I do. You do? Woo-hoo. Oh, weird. Thank you, Scott, for sending us a podcast. It's Tacey's Time of Topics, a time for Tacey to discuss topics.
of the day. Not to be confused with Topic Time with Harrison Young, which is copyrighted by Harrison Young and Area 58 Public Access. And now, here's Tacey. Well, hello. Hello. Today we're going to talk about what we got stuck in our rectums this year. Excellent.
This is the 12th year that this series has run, and time really flies when you don't have something lodged up your butt. But for those of you who do, read on to see if you made this year's list.
All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits. All descriptions are verbatim, and all entries below involve some very poor decisions. Stuck in the penis. Uh-oh. The following. Wait.
A butt stuck in the penis? No. I mean, a penis stuck in a butt? No. I said stuck in the penis. There's different categories. I thought you said, what did we get stuck in our rectum this year? That's the title of the article. Okay. You've got things stuck anywhere. Then you changed. Okay. I got it. I got it. We're talking about something else now. All right. Stuck in the penis. Air pod. Pin cap. Pin. Coffee stirrer. Screw. Paper clip. Wax straw. Four-inch metal tube.
Who did?
This is just a list of things? Yes. Okay. Oh, Lord. Handle of plastic spoon. These were found in an emergency room. That's what this article is about? Yes. Just to give people background. Okay. Because we talked about urethral sounding a while back, and I actually did a, speaking of Dave Landau, I did ask Dr. Steve about urethral sounding, which you can find on the Internet. And there are things made for this. Don't improvise.
If you really want to explore sticking things in the urethra, which, again, is called urethral sounding because back in the day, ships would have ropes with knots on them and they would sound. I don't know why it's called sounding, but they would determine the depth of
through these ropes. And then when they started measuring the distance from the urethral meatus, a.k.a. the cock hole, to the back of the bladder, they called that sounding so that you're determining the depth. So when people started shoving stuff in their urethra for sexual pleasure, they adopted the term sounding. But there are things made for this that have...
balls on the end of, well, that have, you know, enlargements on the end of them so that when you very gently and discreetly shove this thing up your urethra for whatever pleasure that gives you, you can't accidentally let go of it and get it stuck up in there. So that's the context with this. Go ahead, Tase. Moving right along.
Handle of plastic spoon. Plastic fork. Glue. Rolled up magazine page. Ring from Powerade bottle. Domino. That sounds difficult. Domino? Phone charging cable. Thermometer. Oh, my. Now, the phone charging cable, remember we saw, if you look at my, again, sorry to belabor it, the video that I did on this, there was a kid that shoved...
a cable into his urethra. Like a phone charger? Yeah, it was all just coiled up in there. Terrible. And the point I made was that he did that. Some guy shoved a bunch of beads up there. They had to be surgically removed. The kids thing had to be surgically removed. Somebody else shoved, you know, needles in there and they had to be surgically removed. So the common thread is if you do this, it's going to have to be surgically removed. Go ahead, Taze.
Things stuck in the vagina. Uh-oh. Okay. Plastic cube, plastic triceratops, bobby pin, shot glass, statue, toy fire truck, egg. Egg? Okay, I can see that. Patient reports partner was wearing an enhancement apparatus that became stuck following intercourse. Spork, bar of soap, deodorant, perfume bottle, pencil. Well, they're just trying to make it smell better. Pencil, comma, sideways.
Next one. What did Blind Mike say when he walked into the fish market? Well, hello, ladies. Oh, God.
Moving right along. Where's the gong on that one? That's what I want to know. Place the device that has a vaginal sex toy and an anal portion, which are connected by rubber cord both into her vagina. They were unable to retrieve it. They did have some alcohol this evening. Next, curling iron, dry erase marker. Curling iron? How do you get that stuck in there? Time out. Are we still on vagina or are we on colon already? We're on vagina still. Holy cow.
Curling iron, well, it's cylindrical. Yeah, cylindrical, but how do you get it stuck? I don't know. Oh, God, I hope it wasn't turned on. I guess you shoved the whole thing up in there. How cavernous was this person's vagina? Dry erase marker, spoon, knife, bag of soil. Was roughhousing... Okay, all right. You people out there, stop. What do you mean by you people? I mean you people who are putting bags of dirt in your vagina. Now, I have...
this when I was doing primary care and did gynecology where people would have intercourse while they were on their period and then push the
Tampon. Tampon up in there and then forget about it. And then come in and say, oh, God, I've got this horrible smell. And you put them up in the stirrups and you put the speculum up there and you see this foreign body and you get these, you know, this long set of forceps and you can pull it out and it'll be gray.
And you did primary care, too, right? I did women's health for a little while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pulled the tampon out, yes. Yeah, and it's gray and slimy and smells to high heaven. Oh, God, it was awful. If you put it in the trash, you have to take the trash out. But they immediately get better because the vagina is, you know, very good at, you know, fixing itself as long as you don't shove stupid stuff up in there. Now, the sex toy thing, I have had that actually happen before.
When I was single, they had these condoms called Magnums, and it wasn't because they were so freakishly huge. That was just the trade name. And I remember having intercourse and not, you know, putting the condom on, taking the condom off. No big deal, right? Well...
The next morning, I pick up and there's a set of instructions that came with the condom. It's like, well, who needs instructions for a fucking condom? And I looked at it and it said, you know, place the applicator.
a thickened rubber applicator on the tip of the erect penis and then push down and then grab it with the shaft and twist and then take it off. And I was like, I didn't do any of that.
I just thought I put a condom on and took a condom off. And it's like, where's this applicator thing? So I looked all around my bed, nowhere to be found. I called my girlfriend to come back over to the house. I said, I think there's something up in all that mess. And I got her in dorsal lithotomy position, which is on your back with the
up against your ass with the knees akimbo and got up all in there and damned if there wasn't an applicator stuck up in there. And it was like a...
It was like it was condom shaped, but thicker rubber. And it was more elastic in the sense that what you were supposed to do is put it on the tip and then just sort of give it a thrust. And it was supposed to unravel onto the erect member. And then you would take it off and then the condom was properly placed.
So anyway, so that was quite embarrassing, and I never used those condoms again. All right, go ahead and taste. The next one says, was roughhousing with her husband who lifted her up and accidentally dropped her on a hot dog cooker, causing vaginal bleeding. Oh, my.
Yeah. Yeah. Keys, candle, climbing peg, finger puppet, and a microchip. Yeah, finger puppet. I can see. Hello. Hello. What's going on in here? Oops. Hey, one of our friends here. Whoa. Fantastic. Zitouki's up in this person's vagina. Hey, you know, one of our friends, he was running a log splitter.
and he got his small finger in there and knocked half of it off. Oh, yeah? And, um...
We had dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant like a week later or so. And I went to the store and bought him all these little finger puppets to put on there so he could pretend. We've got Amy is in here. And I don't know if she works at the hospital or what she does. It's certainly something in medicine. But she said they had a gal they pulled six tampons out of. Oh, yeah. Poor thing. She was hospitalized, but she thought they melted her.
Oh, yeah. She just kept shoving them up in there. Yeah, poor thing. Well, my favorite rectal foreign body was 12 Barbie heads. You could see it on the X-ray. 12. And then, okay, so let's just talk about rectal stuff and vaginal stuff. Just say you sat on it.
No, that's the... We'll make our own joke. Million to one shot. No, that's the fiction that in emergency medicine we have decided that we've agreed upon that if you say that, we won't say any more. Well, how'd this happen? Well, I sat on it. Okay, and then let's just get it out of there. And that saves face and nothing more needs to be said. Just say you sat on it. Coke bottle, light bulb, I sat on it. Moving on to the rectum.
Number one, patient states that him and his wife got carried away and a portion of a plastic screwdriver handle is in his rectum. Accidentally sat on it. Xylophone mallet. Sat on it. Foam ball. Sat on it. 12-inch ratchet extender. Doesn't know why. Sat on it. Cylindrical wooden block. It was wedged between the seats of my couch. I don't know how. I sat down and went right up. Cooking spray.
Patient states she believes she has a vibrator in either her rectum or vagina. Yeah, sad on her. Shampoo bottle. Lotion bottle. Yeah, it's easy. Can of deodorant. Plastic bottle with the bottom cut off. That's interesting. What? Ankle, abdominal, and neck pain after jumping off a second floor balcony foreign body and rectum. You know why you would cut the bottom off? Because if it fits too well...
It would cause an air piston, right? So you wouldn't be able to get it in because the air pressure on the inside would resist inserting this thing. So what the person did was they cut the end off to equilibrate the pressure as they shoved this thing in. So that's what that was about. And then they lost track of it. Because, you know, if you've ever put a suppository in your rectum,
It goes up so far and then it just is like it has a life of its own. And what that is is the internal sphincter of the rectum will squeeze down on this thing and tend to shove it up into the rectum, whatever it is. And you're going to lose –
finger hold of it, and you're going to lose it. That's why butt plugs that are made for this have a flat, enlarged, flared end to them so that you cannot shove it up your ass and lose it. So anything tapered, if you shove it up in there, you go a little bit too far, it's going to just bloop on up there, and that'll be the end of it. You're going to be going to the emergency room saying you sat on it. Mm-hmm.
Broomstick. 18-inch dildo. Dildo from four days ago. Next one. Shoved a bag containing 20 hydroxyzine. Dildo from four days ago. So what these are, these are emergency room slug lines. So when I worked in the ER, you would have this thing that would say patient states and then, you know, chest pain or patient states. We had one that said patient states hit on head by plastic Santa at Walmart. Right.
So that was somebody who was setting something up for a lawsuit. But anyway, that's what these things are because dildo from four days ago, it's like patient states dildo from four days ago.
Next one. Shoved a bag containing 20 hydroxyzine pills into his rectum for street cred. Three AA batteries. Here, watch this. Going back to prison. I bet you won't do that. Well, I will too. Going back to prison. I'm going to get street cred. Oh, my word. But in our area, it's street credic. Credic. Credic. Can you get credic? I love it.
Let's see. Three AAA batteries, two AA batteries, one D battery. And a partridge in a pear tree. Tried to remove poop with a pen a few days ago. There you go. Lost pen in rectum. Of course. 50-cent piece. Don't shove pens up your rectum if you are, again, if you're constipated, use something that's made for it, which would be an enema bottle, which has a narrow nozzle on it and then a big, broad end that cannot be shoved up your ass. Scrub brush.
Has a plastic baby bottle up her rectum. Patient states she and her male partner were getting kinky. Well, there you go. I hope they put that in quotes. Wire hanger. Enema bottle.
Two plastic bottles and a shot glass. I thought you said you couldn't stick a bottle up there. Yeah, you shouldn't be able to. You have to try. I'm saying accidentally. Right, right, right. You can do it. You can shove anything up there. Anything's possible if you try hard enough. Tell of toy dinosaur...
What? Next one. Tail of toy dinosaur. Okay, got it. Next one. Patient states he tripped in the shower and fell backwards and landed on a shampoo bottle. There you go. Which became lodged in his anus. That's exactly the right approach. I slipped and fell. Don't know what happened. Could happen to anybody.
Please get it out. Patient's state slipped and fell in the bathtub landing on a shark toy. There you go. Next one, baby shark toy. Next one, cigarette lighter. Toothbrush holder. Took clonazepam dose three times instead of once and has a battery in rectum and has nausea. There you go. Light bulb.
Broken light bulb. Yeah, don't shove glass in any orifice of your body. Don't urethral sound with a glass martini stirrer. And don't shove glass items up your ass either.
Either bottles, particularly light bulbs, but particularly anything made out of glass. Don't shove that up there. And again, shove things. If you're going to engage in ass play or urethral play, do it safely with things made for it. Stop fucking improvising.
Took vibrator out of anus. Noticed battery had fallen out. Yep. Licked it. Didn't taste right. Bottle of GHB. Oh. What's GHB? That sounds interesting. Oh, gamma hydroxybutyrate. That's not good. That's a date rape drug. Right. That's not good. Except it's actually a great drug.
GHB and sodium oxybate is it. Sodium oxybate is it's analog and it's sold, you know, prescription for narcolepsy. And what it does is it resets your sleep cycle and normalizes it. Now, the problem with it is it can be absolutely abused and it was abused as a quote unquote date rape drug.
But it's actually a great drug, and it's the cure for insomnia for a lot of people. But you can't hardly get it. I've been trying to get it. I have to go do a sleep study.
And then I have to come back in the next day and do a thing called a multiple sleep latency test, which is where they have me lay in a room during the day and see how many times I fall asleep. And I have to be there from 8 in the morning until 4 o'clock in the afternoon. It's like, dude, I'm going to fall asleep 10 times in the first hour. Oh, easily, yeah. Anyway, go ahead. Board game piece.
Metal pillow paper holder. Is it from Mousetrap? Because that would suck. It doesn't suck. Remember Mousetrap, that game? Mel B, did you ever play Mousetrap? I did not. Do you know what I'm talking about? It was a Rube Goldberg kind of construction, and there was a game to it, but nobody ever played the game. You just made the Mousetrap thing go. You know, the ball goes down, it hits a trampoline, and it
bounces and it hits this other thing and goes down a little track and then finally hits something else and makes the mousetrap fall down. Metal tulip paper holder, motorized tire pump inserted in her rectum and was insufflated. Insufflated, yeah, it just means inflated. For a duration of approximately five minutes. Marbles, darts, plastic lemon, fake banana, jello mold,
Last, patient reports I just got married presents with a sex toy stuck inside his rectum. Well, there you go. See, he's honest. That's perfectly understandable. And listen, if this happens to you or, well, it isn't something that just happens to you. If you do this to yourself, it's totally okay to go to the emergency room. There will be no judgment. And don't
Look at the video of that operating room in the Philippines where those people were taking, what was it they were taking out of that person's rectum? It was something giant, like a peanut butter jar or something. And they were all laughing and screaming and stuff. The patient had general anesthesia. But that's not normal. That's not what normally happens. Those people actually got in a lot of trouble for that because they posted it online.
So that will not happen. If that happens in the United States, you will have a huge lawsuit and they will all be fired. So that won't happen. They won't judge you. They've seen way worse. I will guarantee you. So if it happens, don't hesitate to go. Just go and get it taken care of.
All right. That's all I have. Okay. Well, that was plenty. That was a list of nightmarish. Well, I said it. What did he say that I didn't say? He said it to me. I said it to a list, yeah. Oh, okay. You said all the important stuff. I just said it. No, I said it was awesome. Thank you for bringing that. A list of horrors. What? I just told her that was an awesome list, Tacey. Good job. Thank you, Scott. Fuck.
Lord and Lady Douchebag. There you go. You guys wonder why I'm stopping doing this show. All right. Mel B, you got anything? Oh, yeah. Do you want to talk about what happened to you this week? Do you want to talk about it? Hardy Fiber Cement Siding handles conditions that can cause damage to vinyl. From fire to hail, Hardy Siding stands tall through it all. Helping trade professionals look their best when they recommend Hardy Siding and Trim. See the proof at jameshardy.com.
I mean, I can't. Just to let people know about it? It's terribly embarrassing. It shouldn't. Why? You didn't do anything wrong. I know, but I feel like an idiot. No, no, no. No, you didn't do anything. No, one of our partners needs to feel that way, but it's not you. No.
And we'll talk about that, too. Well, part of it is I would have no money to give. Yeah. Okay. Well, tell what happened. You're at work. I'm at work with a patient. And the phone rings. Yes. Take it from there. Okay. So my phone rang. And, of course, I ignore it because I'm with a patient. And this phone number calls back like four times in a row. And so I was finally like, well, you know, I got kids and family. This might be important. So I stepped out of the room and answered the phone.
A gentleman was on the phone and identified himself as a Sullivan County, I guess I can say that. Yeah, Sullivan County, Montana. Yes, there we go. Police officer gave me a name and a badge number and told me he needed to speak. And I was like, hey, I'm at, you know, I'm with a patient. Can I call you back?
And he said, this is an emergency. Oh, no. Well, you know, my heart stops because, again— You got kids. I got kids that are older and out and about. I have a mother who's elderly. Sure. Oh, if she hears this, she's going to kill me. I shouldn't have said that. No. Why? Oh, because you said she's elderly? Yeah, because I said she's elderly. Wow. Well, love you, Mom.
So, you know, of course, he had my attention at that point because, you know, my heart starts to be at an abnormal rate and my senses are alert, you know. So he proceeds to tell me that a lawsuit has been filed against me. It involves a patient.
And I needed to come down to the courthouse because I was supposed to be there for court. You were in contempt of court, right? I was in contempt of court for failure to appear. He told me that I had been subpoenaed and gave me a date from a previous month. And I'd missed my court date this past Monday. And I'm like, I wasn't subpoenaed. And he told me he had a paper with my signature on it.
You know, all these things. And I needed to get down to the courthouse right away. So I'm like, well, I ain't going anywhere without my attorney. And I got to call my boss and let them know to get somebody to hear that.
you know, to the office to see my patients. He's like, you can't call anyone there. The judge has issued a gag order. At some point he tells me this and, you know, I know that this is bullshit. Yeah. Cause I'm like, well, a gag order. Okay. That's fine. I can talk to my lawyer about anything. It doesn't matter. I'm calling my attorney.
So I get my good pal Steve on the phone who gets an attorney on the phone for me. This guy's freaking out on the phone. They're yelling at me. Yeah, I could hear him. I could hear the guy yelling at her in the background. Telling me that I was going to be under arrest. Yeah. You're violating it. And I told Mel B, I said, tell him to stop talking.
And she goes, stop talking. Now, if that had been a real officer of the court, it would have been interesting. But he did. You had such a commanding tone. And I shut right up. The first thing I said was a gag order doesn't work this way. The gag order only works if the judge has imposed this on you. You're not under any gag order.
You can talk to me. You can talk to anybody. So, yeah. So I conferenced in an attorney friend of mine. While you were doing that, I used my office phone because I felt like that I was starting to very much feel like this was all a bunch of bullshit. Yeah. You're still freaking out. Yeah, I was still freaking out. I was. But there's other reasons. We'll get into that.
So I called probably the most intelligent thing that I did after calling my good pal, Dr. Steve. My next phone call was to the county clerk's office. There you go. Where the general sessions court was. And of course, when they get on the phone, I'm like, hey, I've got one of the county officers on the telephone with me. And he hung up.
Yeah. At that point. And so they confirmed. What was kind of creepy is they were like, we don't have anything on you. And, you know, I gave them my name and everything. They didn't have anything on me. Right, of course. Because you're a law-abiding citizen. But when I gave them the officer's name, they're like, oh, wait, that's a Sullivan County officer. Let me get you to dispatch. All of a sudden it's got legitimacy again. Yeah. There's some legitimacy.
some things that are adding up. And I'm like, ah, and I went into a tailspin again. But the horrible thing. Well, it turned out, okay, so the nurse that was working with you that day used to work with them. And when you said the name, she said, oh, he retired two decades ago. Right. Thank God. But I have since found out there is a bailiff at the courthouse that works for the county. That is his last name. That is his badge number. Right, right.
That is actually true. But he has a different first name. And the other thing that they did, too, was— I don't know that the retired guy had anything to do with it. They do a background check. Yeah. Well, the retired guy had the first name. The first name, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they made several mistakes. The first thing that they said to you was, are you at some address? And that was your old address. That was my old address. And that kind of creeped me out. Well, what they're doing, though, is they go and they do like a private eye background check. Right.
And they get your name somehow. They do a background check. They find out your kid's name, your phone number, your addresses and all that stuff. They had to guess. So it's like a psychic doing a live reading. They'll say, oh, I hear a J. And it's like, oh, you know, my son's name is Jeff, but it's with a G. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Jeff, Jeff with the G, G-E-O-F-F.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's how they do cold reading. And that's what they were doing with you. They said your original address. You went, no, I don't live there anymore. And they went, oh. I told them that's not my location. Yeah. Right. And they said, oh, you must be at this new address because they had two addresses for you, your old one and your new one. But they didn't know which one was current. And they took a stab at it. When you said you weren't there, they hit you with the other one. That adds legitimacy to this because they know so much about you. Yeah.
He was very adamant. I think it was before I called you. He was very adamant that I leave.
And gave me my work address that I leave, blah, blah, blah, KBC Hospital on Highway 14, you know, that I leave the hospital and go down to my car. The whole thing was he wanted me to leave. He wanted me to meet him at the courthouse. And he would escort me into court. At some point they were going to say you can avoid all of this. I'm sure.
By giving us money, which you never got that far because you were like, wait a minute. You weren't playing along. You were like, I'm calling my attorney. No, you have a gag order. No, I'm calling my attorney. Right. What are you going to do? Come down here and fucking arrest me. Yeah. It's just terrible because all this information, my clients,
You know, my address, my work address. He asked what I would be driving, and he mentioned it very strangely. I have three vehicles that are in my name because I've got kids, right, that drive. So he knew all three. He asked which of the three vehicles I would be driving. But he didn't know which one was yours. So it just, you know, it...
That's on Narvan. How did he know all this information? They did a background check on her.
That's how they do that. Apparently, everything in your world is available online. If you're willing to pay for it. You get an account and you pay, you know, 200 bucks and you can pull X number of these. And so to them, it's worth it because one of our partners freaked out because she's one that she doesn't like conflict. So if someone's mad at her, she'll do anything that she could do to not get
for it to stop. And she gave him four grand. And so the thing is, is that if they tell you, well, you can get out of this by paying a certain fee, you're going to go because they've intimidated you so much. You're like, I'll do anything. What do I need to do? And then they tell you to go to Walmart or Walgreens or CVS and get gift cards. And that's when you know, if they tell you to buy crypto,
Or if they tell you to get gift cards, it's bullshit. It's a complete and utter scam. An actual officer, you can't pay an officer off. That's illegal for everybody. Exactly right. They would not have the ability to make it go away through a payment. Yeah. So...
So all of those are signs of scammy behavior. It just, the personal information and that being out there. That's unnerving. Just, it got under my skin. And I'm a paranoid, anxious person anyway. Yeah. And so, you know, thinking that
well, what if this person, what if his end game was not money and his end game was human trafficking and I was about to be put in a creeper van, you know? And so I was really freaked out. I didn't want to go to my car by myself. I didn't want to be home by myself. How did you get to your car? Because I know, well,
Well, first I drove her, and then it turned out she was going. And then I realized I was so upset I didn't have the keys to my car. Okay. So we went back. I went back into my office, got my keys, and our building security took me out to the car. And the next morning when I was coming into the parking lot, I called. Yeah.
And they met me at my car and walked me in. And Mel B was an officer of the court, so she's very handy with a gun. Yes. So she's got that under control. But, you know, we can't have guns in the hospitals.
It says right there. Which I think is complete and total bullshit. Yeah, no, I agree. It says, you know, TCA, you know, statute, blah, blah, blah, no firearms. So if we carry a firearm in to protect ourselves and we get caught with it, we'll get fired. But if I have somebody that I didn't give them their lore tab or whatever and they get mad, they don't care about that sign.
And, you know, they'll just walk in with a gun. There's not metal detectors out there. So when I took my enhanced carry permit, well, Tacey and I took it at the same time.
And I asked the guy this exact question. I said, these people, you know, somebody that wants to do mayhem doesn't care about that sign on the door. All that does is allow them to charge you after the deed is done with, you know, another with another charge. And I said, what what's the answer? And he said, saber red pepper gel.
So the Sabre Red, S-A-B-R-E Red, you can buy it on Amazon. You can buy it a bunch of different places. The gel is better than the spray because it's targeted. It doesn't blow back on you because the worst thing, you know, you spray somebody and it gets in your face. Now you're both incapacitated. He said, unlike a taser, no human being has ever –
through this. That's how potent it is. Isn't it colored also? Yes, yes. And it paints your face blue. It's got dye in it.
And so you can incapacitate someone without killing them. You may want to kill them, but then that adds other layers of problems depending on what state you're in, too. So it's just better to incapacitate them and then call the cops or whatever. So I ordered three things of Saber Red for your office. Yeah, it has not come yet. Well, I just – It'll be there. It'll be there. It'll be there by Monday, but –
But anyway, so, yeah. So anything else with this thing? No, I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm not hot as I used to be. I knew once you slept on it, you would wake up and feel better. I walked around the house naked.
Literally with my gun in my hand. Sure. I bet you did. But you know what's crazy is after that was over, I told you that our other partner had fallen victim to this as well. And then the partner that came to do your afternoon said, oh, yeah. That happened to me. She's so chill, though.
She is the most chill person I've ever met. She just said, yeah, I just told him to screw off and just forgot about it. And just hung up on him. It didn't even bother her. She's like, they started talking. I just hung up on them. And then when I got back to my office after seeing patients at your office that morning, one of our other partners said, oh, yeah, that happened to me. Yeah. So that's four people in our practice that have had this exact same scam pulled on them. Yep. Yeah.
So it happens. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So if you get a phone call, the moral of the story, if you get a phone call, just verify the information. You always can do that. You're not going to go to jail if you hang up and just call. Well, and they understand that these things happen. So if they call you 100 percent of the time, if you say I'm going to call and just verify this, if it's legit, they'll go, yep. Awesome.
Sounds good. They want you to do that. Ask for me when you call back. Right. Yeah. And they'll do it. Because not every call from law enforcement is a scam, but you can ferret out the scams by just asking for their badge number, calling back the regular. Don't call the number they give you. No.
No, look it up. Because they'll give you some bullshit. Call the actual number. Right. Because he did. I was like, do you have a number where I can call you back? And, of course, he gave me the number that he called from. Yeah. But, I mean, he had an answer for everything, which is— Cletus called that number, if I recall, afterward. Yes. Because nobody picked up. It just went straight to Boyce. Yeah. Somebody call over here and tell me I had to go to court. Yeah. A friend of mine called—
I think right away called the number. And the guy answered the phone. Oh, yeah. And he said, hey, is this Sergeant whatever it was, blah, blah, blah. And the guy on the phone said yes. And he said, oh, I'm blah, blah, blah with the so-and-so police department. And he hung up on him. And then they kept calling back and nobody answered. Okay.
That's funny. Yeah. Good. Crazy. So anyway, I wasn't planning to give him any money, but the fact that they didn't ask for any. Yeah, no, he never asked me for money. He just he was very adamant that I go out to my car. He's like, come come down to your car right now.
And that freaked me. That would sound. The way he was like, he kept saying it, it very much sounded like he was waiting at my car. Guaranteed he wasn't out there. There was absolutely no one at my car. He was going to get you to the car and then he was going to tell you to give him money. To stop, I'm sure. Yeah.
Go to Walmart right now and get gift cards, and I'm going to stay on the phone with you until you do. I would have laughed and been like, you should have called me before Christmas. Right. Because now I have no money. I ain't got no money. I guess I'll just go to jail. Well, scammers got to pay for their Christmas presents too, I guess. The whole time all I was thinking was just like –
I'm not the type of person that can be in jail. Yeah. Like, I will not farewell there. And what's funny is when somebody accuses you of something like that, you start thinking that way, even though you know you didn't do anything. Yeah. What did I do that I didn't know? Right.
Right. Wow. It was a crazy day. And then I felt like an idiot. Well, no, that would scare anybody. No, no, no. Don't feel like an idiot. Because I feel like weird now because, I mean, it's still kind of creepy that they have all your information. Well, they do. They have all of our information. And it bothers me. Right. But I'm not like, I was shaking the other day. I bet. I had a hard time sleeping. Yeah, I bet. I bet. There are, yeah, there's data brokers out there. They'll sell all kinds of stuff.
And there is, we don't have a sponsor, but there are companies that will go, I think there's one called, I can't remember what it is, Delete Me or something like that, where you sign up and they will go to the data brokers for you and have asked, request that they delete your information. Apparently they have to do it. Although if they're data brokers, why would they, it seems to me they would just say, yeah, we deleted it and still sell it. I don't know. Yeah.
Yeah. But it's just our stuff's out there. Unless you're Ted Kaczynski, you're on the grid. Yeah. You know? Well, I've changed my phone number. Well, you needed to do that anyway. Yeah. Because your phone number was... I'm going to move to Canada. Yeah, my number is out there, unfortunately. It was. It was. The old one. You won't get me there now. Yeah. Ha ha. Oh, I need your new number then. Ha ha.
I know. Well, you're not going to get it. I'm only giving that to certain people. Scott, you can have it. I'll take it. Yes. All right. Okay. Well, that—okay. Cautionary tale. Yeah. And always verify. Always, yeah. There you go. And— And so the sheriff's department or whatever, they were like—
No, we don't. Yeah. They confirmed. I was like, just for my peace of mind, Will, you just make sure that there's nothing filed against me. There are no citations issued. And they told me I had a squeaky clean record. Of course. I do. I'm not kidding.
such a good girl. Well, and they know you, too, because you were previously an officer of the court yourself. Yeah. So, there's that. Well, I'm glad you're okay. Jesus. I'm safe and sound. I haven't noticed any creepsters or stalkers. No, no, no. That's not their thing. They just want money. He's not even close to here. No. No. He's probably in China. Fuck China. Or wherever. Okay, that was Mel B saying that. No, that was me. Not anyone else in the street. Okay.
All right. Very good. All right. Cautionary tale. Thank you for sharing that. I'm glad you're okay. Number one thing. Don't take advice from some asshole on the radio. All right. You ready to take some questions? Oh, yeah. Here's a good one. This is from Donna. Hey, Dr. Steve. Hello, Donna. My question is, why do we see stars when you rub on your eyes? Let me know. Bye.
Okay. Do you know what those are called? I'll give a bell to anybody that can name what those are called when you press on your eyeballs. I don't know what she's talking about. Are you ever pressed on your eyeballs and then you see like patterns, like moire patterns? You have to do it. I see nothing. Close your eyes and take your fists and just press. Don't mess your eye makeup up. Don't do it. No, don't do it. Just trust us. It happens. Check it out tonight. Oh, wait. Ah.
You see? You've never seen that before? We used to do that when I was a kid. Well, I've never paid attention to it before. So have you ever coughed and you see flashes of light or gotten hit in the head and see flashes of light? It's all the same thing. All of it, yeah. Nobody knows the name of it. It's okay. It's phosphenes. Phosphenes. And these are visual hallucinations.
And they appear as flashes of light or other visual patterns. And it can be sort of moiré patterns, you know, patterns where you have two sort of intersecting. Is this what happens when you stare at the picture on Facebook? Yes.
And you stare at the picture and you look at it for a long time and it's this blob. And then when you close your eyes, you see Jesus. Yeah, that's a persistence of vision thing, but it's different. But it's similar. And it's burning out the available neurotransmitters.
to see those colors and forms. And then when you burn those out, you get the opposite image. You can do that with an American flag too, which is really cool. Have you ever done that? Take an American flag and look at it a couple inches away from you for one whole minute. You have to stare at one point. Just one, right in the dead center of this flag. And then look at a white wall or white piece of paper. You'll see the inverse of those colors. You'll see the American flag, but it'll be the exact opposite color. It's just from depleting those...
Right, those neurotransmitters. They don't have an infinite supply. It does, yeah. It's really neat. So that's two different things. Two different things. Stars. They're similar. They're very similar, but...
When you have pressure, you rub your eyes, coughing, blowing your nose, any sort of retinal issues. Like you've heard of people having flashes of light when they have a retinal detachment. If they do magnetic stimulation, sometimes you can see it or even MRI or a trans…
cranial electrical stimulation or radiation therapy to the brain, those people will sometimes see phosphenes as well. And then drugs and alcohol and stuff like that. But the pressure phosphenes are just caused by pressure on the eyeball. So...
You know, nobody 100% knows the mechanism other than it's just the retinal, you know, sensors get stimulated by pressure. Glaucoma would do the same thing. You know, you start all of a sudden seeing these weird patterns. And the other one that does it, but this is a different mechanism altogether, are migraines. Wow.
You'll get that marquee. Do you get that? You have migraines, right? Yeah. I get it at my prayer field. Yeah. You get sort of, it looks like marquee lights. It's real dark, but there's like little, it almost looks like glitter. Yeah. Mine looked literally like, I mean, it was so much like a marquee. You know what I'm talking about where you have the lights like around a movie theater in the old days and the lights would spin around just by the way that they turned on and off in sequence. Mm-hmm.
And I had that in my upper left peripheral vision. And I thought something bad was happening. And it was just I had an ocular migraine. I had it one and never had another one. No headache with it or anything. But it freaked me out. And I went to the emergency room. And it was all I could see on that left side. And then while I was waiting for the neurologist to show up, it just got less and less and less. And I just quit. And I went, okay, just tell them not to come. I'm leaving. That was it. Goodness gracious. Yeah.
So anyway, so yes, those are phosphates. One, and that's never happened to you again? Nope, never happened again. That's glorious. I wish I would never have a migraine ever again. It's Donna Bell from North Carolina. Hello, Donna. My question is, if you eat instant mashed potatoes that were made with a cup of water, is that the same thing as drinking a cup of water?
Thanks, Mike. That's a great question. So when it comes to the total mass energy tensor of the universe, yes, it's exactly the same. But so that's one perspective. Eight ounces of water.
You know, outside your body is now eight ounces of water inside your body, along with the starch and all the other stuff from the mashed potatoes. But as far as your body is concerned, they're completely different. If you drink water, it hits the stomach and is almost immediately begins the process of absorption.
And so when you're dehydrated and you drink some Gatorade, you know, it goes right into your bloodstream. It's pretty quick. Whereas if you put eight ounces of water in instant mashed potatoes and then eat it, that water is bound up with the starch and the carbohydrates in the instant potatoes, and it will take a while for you to extract it. Yeah.
You'll have to digest the carbohydrates, and then during that process, eventually the water will be released. So it's very different in that regard. But otherwise, as far as, you know...
the mass of eight ounces of water, you have eight ounces of dihydrogen oxide and you ingest it. No matter how you ingest it, it's going from the outside to the inside. All right. Very interesting. Excellent question. Thank you, Donna. Donna, you're a good'un, I'll tell you that. Good'un. Yep, she surely is.
Last week you spoke of a friend of the show, Lady Di, having a type of permanent brain damage from drinking alcohol. Wernicke Korsakov. And specifically the cause seemed to be the loss of a vitamin called thiamine. Correct. When you drink alcohol year after year. So my question is, why don't we just add thiamine to beer?
Thanks. That's a great question. It is. It is a great question. Why not just take it as a supplement if you're going to drink every day? Well, there's a couple of things. Chronic alcohol abuse will tend to prevent you from being able to absorb thiamine. That's one thing. And the other thing is, though, the bigger point is,
Which I think is a great question. Why not have healthier beer? We'll put thiamine in it and prevent... Or cheap wine, like the street wine and stuff. We'll put thiamine in it. It's a mad dog. Yeah. And the...
The reason is the, it's either, I guess it's the FDA or the, who regulates the food supply? USDA. Okay. One of them has said you can't do that because then you could market it as being, quote unquote, good for you. Or safer. And they don't want that. So they would rather people get Wernicke-Korsakoff than allow manufacturers to
put thiamine in there because they're afraid that they would market it as being safer. Now, that is some bullshit. So you said that the alcohol after a while will prevent you from absorbing the thiamine. Yeah, it decreases the absorption. So if you choose, if you're going to be an alcoholic, just start taking thiamine from the beginning.
Okay. I mean, sure. Why not? But just don't. I mean, go to a meeting. Don't be an alcoholic. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's easy for us to say. But, you know, you can, you know, Wernicke-Korsakoff results from severe acute deficiency of thiamine.
The Korsakoff psychosis is a chronic, you know, sequela of the Wernicke encephalopathy. And it's found in people who have used alcohol chronically. The metabolically active form of thiamine is thiamine pyrophosphate.
And the enzymes that are dependent on thiamine pyrophosphate are associated with this thing called the citric acid cycle, also known as the Krebs cycle. And anything that encourages glucose metabolism will make this worse because it activates that cycle. So, you know, you end up malnourished and people who get...
IV therapy without vitamin B1 supplementation actually get worse than
So we have to, you know, give them you can't resuscitate these people without giving them the thiamine up front or you can actually make it worse. People with hunger strikes, eating disorders, you know, you can get thiamine deficiency from severe just malnutrition in people whose diet is mainly polished rice.
which is thiamine deficient. So if all you're eating is rice, you can get it. And that's called beriberi. You've heard of that. All right. So you don't want to give them a bunch of glucose before you give them thiamine. Anyway. All right. You'll get atrophy of certain parts of the brain called the mammillary bodies. And the thalamus can be, you know, involved as well. So, all right.
Ethanol interferes directly with thiamine uptake in the gastrointestinal tract. I'm looking at that right now in this article. All right, Dr. Scott, before we get out of here, let's check the waiting room. The waiting room is what we call the YouTube chat room. And you can get there by going to youtube.com slash at weird medicine. And you can click the join button.
And click Accept Gifted Memberships, and people give out gifted memberships. And there are some members-only content on there. And as well, you can just click the Like and Subscribe and the Notification button, and that way when we go live, you'll get a notification. I'm looking at Whiskey Dick. He has become a member of the Fluid family, so thank you, Whiskey Dick.
And Whiskey Dick also gifted 20 Weird Medicine with Dr. Steve membership. There you go. Well, that's very nice. Thanks, Whiskey Dick. You know what's funny is in this world, like there's this guy named Penis Wrinkle, right? Okay.
And he's got his avatar on the Super Chat system is Pennywise the Clown. It's Penis Wrinkle. And it's hilarious to hear people talking about this because they'll say, yeah, I was talking to Penis Wrinkle the other day, just like it's normal. Like I'm saying I was talking to Scott or Mel B the other day. Yep, old Penis Wrinkle gave me a call. It's so funny. So, yeah, Whiskey Dick gifted 20 Weird Medicine with Dr. Steve memberships.
I need to have something that I can play when they do that. But I don't have anything. I can do this. Oh, well, yeah, Whiskey Dick spent $20 giving memberships. He's a fucking idiot! How about that? We'll use that. Thank you, Whiskey Dick. You're the best.
Let's see. Whiskey Dick said, is Hagomania really the end of weird medicine? Well, what it is the end of is the regular weird medicine Sirius XM slash podcast thing. I've got to reclaim the Saturdays or the time that we're doing this. I think 20 years is enough.
I feel like I'm phoning it in sometimes, and I really enjoy playing music with Dr. Sky. I enjoy hanging out with you guys. It's the one time I feel completely in control of my life, although that's less and less on this show. And then I also want to do more documentary-style stuff.
I want to do some, I'm going to be doing some more stuff with Dave Landau, hopefully. And, you know, one-offs and things like that. I want to talk about, um, uh, uh, shit. Um,
What's his name? Capricars, constant. I want to talk about the Monty Hall problem. I've got great explanations for these things. I have a video that I'm going to show at Hackamania that is an Ask Dr. Steve about ass play. That really is the grossest thing that I've ever done. And just spoiler alert, I talk about...
how inserting things into your rectum does not necessarily increase incontinence. It does increase the tone of the sphincter, and that's measurable and known, but it doesn't increase incontinence. And then when I'm talking about that, I have...
videos of like goats and horses and cows just taking giant shits and dropping them, you know, as they're walking. So because that's your fear, right? Is that if you engage in ass plays, is it going to cause me to just start dropping logs everywhere? But anyway, it does not.
done properly. Let's see here. Hamhead, member for three months of the Fluid family. Thank you, Hamhead. And Darth Nugs. Darth Nugs also gifted five Weird Medicine with Dr. Steve memberships. Yeah, I was talking to Darth Nugs the other day, and Darth Nugs said...
a one-off Myrtle cast would rule. Oh, yes. Oh, I agree. Now, let me tell you something. We already did this. My best friend, well, one of my best friends, David, sat where Mel B is sitting right now, and we talked about
He has a character, Ermeline Spratt, and I have Myrtle Maness. And they both talk the same way. It was terrible. I'm turning your mic off. It was unique. So we talked for 20 minutes.
I broke it up into... People begged to stop. No. I'm talking about something completely different. I did. I broke it up into five four-minute podcasts, and I put it up on the internet under the tag Sociology, right? So...
four-minute segments of these two idiots going, well, you know, old Clayton, he's only three foot tall and all this kind of stuff, right? And I wanted to see if anybody would listen to it because under sociology, it was like Appalachian culture or something like that, right? It's the way I tagged it. And it got about a thousand listens. It'd be some poor...
Sons of bitches, you know, found this thing. So I listened to this, you know, as part of my thesis for Appalachian culture or whatever. And they were listening to David and me doing Myrtle and Irma Lane. So anyway, we'll see. That's funny. Darth Nugs, Myrtle will be at Hackamania.
And she's going to be doing a duet with April Brucker, the ventriloquist who has a residency in Las Vegas, too. And I think they're going to do a rendition of Ray Pissing in the Hallway, which is an in-joke for all the Davelverse people. But anyway...
All right. You got any other questions in there? I didn't see any other ones, no. Okay. I think we're good. All right. Sounds good. All right. Well, thanks, everybody. You guys have anything to taste? Nope. Mel B? Nope.
Okay, don't fall for scams, y'all. Don't fall. Do what Mel B did, exactly what she did. I'm going to call my attorney and get your attorney on the phone. If you can conference them in, so much the better, because these people will just go away, because they don't want any trouble. They just want money. They want an easy mark. All right, thanks to everyone who's made this show happen over the years. Listen to our SiriusXM show on the Faction Talk channel, SiriusXM channel 103, Saturdays at 7 p.m. Eastern,
Sunday at 6 p.m. Eastern on demand and other times at Jim McClure's pleasure. Many thanks to our listeners. His voicemail and topic ideas make this job very easy. Go to our website at drsteve.com for schedules, podcasts, and other crap. Until next time, check your stupid nuts for lumps, quit smoking, get off your asses, get some exercise. We'll see you in one week for the next edition of Green Medicine. Thanks, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.