Shownotes Transcript
Pickaxe.
Toyota, let's go places. What's happening, y'all? It's Anthony Edwards. I listen to hip-hop music all day. I use the Bose QC Ultra headphones right around, like, leading up to the game. And just the quality of the headphones, you feel like you was there when they was recording the song. It gets me in a playing vibe, a good spirit. They block out all the noise. You can't hear anything but the music. Check out Bose.com for more.
Hey, chat. Welcome to the Healthy Gamer GG podcast. I'm Dr. Alok Kanodja, but you can call me Dr. K. I'm a psychiatrist, gamer, and co-founder of Healthy Gamer. On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So let's dive right in.
Oh, I'm sorry. I know you said you had to work, but it's just so hard. No, you go ahead and work. You work. I'm going to just handle things by myself. I'm just at home and I know things are hard and I know I want you to live your life. Just don't, don't worry about me. I'll be okay. I'll be okay. You just keep doing what you need to do.
I just, I'll be okay. Today we're going to talk about the abuser's playbook. As a psychiatrist, I've worked with tons of survivors of toxic and abusive relationships. These are people who will either enter cycles of relationships that are not healthy or toxic for them. These are also people who have abusive parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, boyfriends, girlfriends. But as a psychiatrist, I've also worked with people who are sociopaths, narcissists, etc.,
And so in working with both groups of people, what I've sort of figured out is a pattern of behavior that in the case of working with a sociopath, we want to sort of help people understand what they're doing so that they can hopefully fix it and then engage in healthier relationships.
And in the case of victims, we want to sort of clue you in to the strategies that the enemy uses. So today what I'd like to do is go through a sequence of steps that abusers will often engage in, usually subconsciously, that tend to get people sort of stuck in a toxic relationship. Now the other really interesting thing about this is that these techniques are so subtle and so devious that
that oftentimes people who are the victims of these things don't even realize it. And y'all may sort of know this, right? You will look at your friend who's now in this relationship, this romantic relationship, where you're kind of like, hey, I don't think that that person is good for you, but they in
insist, oh no, everything will work out. Like this person, sure, like no one's perfect, but this person like really has my best interests at heart. And you're kind of wondering like, why can't they see what this person is doing to you? And if you're unlucky, you may have sort of found yourself in those situations where you were in a relationship for a year or two or in a work environment for a year or two, and you didn't realize how bad things are.
And so by going through these things in detail, hopefully we can sort of help you understand how these techniques will even make the victim blind to their usage. And if y'all find yourselves frequently in positions where people are sort of taking advantage of you, you're not able to set boundaries or more importantly, like you're not able to like
set limits with people and stick to them, highly recommend y'all check out our coaching program because we work a lot on building EQ skills, helping you sort of be stable and secure in who you are, as well as help you with things like setting boundaries and effective communication. So let's start off with the first stage, which is assessment. So this is when someone, we're sort of talking from the abuser's perspective,
is trying to figure out, okay, who can I engage in a relationship with that will tolerate or let me get away with the things that I usually like to do? So I don't know if this kind of makes sense, but like people who are abusive bosses, girlfriends, boyfriends, parents, whatever, will usually assess people to see who is vulnerable enough so that I can use the techniques that I want to get what I want out of them. And they'll perform some very, very simple tests.
And this usually involves violating your boundaries with love. So this is what's kind of interesting, right? So as a human being, when I...
have my boundaries violated, the emotional energy that is being sent my way will heavily shape my response to it. So if someone steals from me out of malice, right? If there's just a person who's like, hey, I dislike you. I'm jealous of you. If they send me a lot of negative energy and steal from me, then my brain is not confused at all, right? My brain is like, hey, this person
empathically sending negative energy my way. They're malicious. They're jealous. They want to hurt me. And they are engaging in a bad behavior. So that sort of works out really easily. And then I sort of say, okay, I'm not dealing with this person at all. So abusers figure this out. So that's why what they do is violate your boundaries, but with love or with affection.
Now, what does this look like? This looks like things like, oh yeah, like I know you said you don't like being touched, but you're so beautiful. I just can't keep my hands off of you. I know you said that you have a lot of work to do today, but I just couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm so infatuated. I'm so intoxicated. They really put the toxic and intoxicated. What they'll do is they'll send you some kind of positive or flattering emotional energy and
Combined with a boundary violation. This is how they are assessing, okay, is this person willing to compromise their boundaries? Can I get away with something if I send them the right kind of energy? So can they take advantage of you in some way or the other? So this is kind of the first stage.
Now, oftentimes we have our own vulnerabilities. So maybe we feel a little bit insecure. We want to be loved. We want to be cherished. We all want romantic relationships with people who can't keep their hands off of us. Right. This is what like media shows us. These stories of like, you know, really powerful loves that will transcend cultural boundaries and all this kind of stuff. And then you'll have these weird scenes where people are like fighting with each other and then they start kissing.
So even if we have some vulnerability of insecurity or we have some vision or we have some media conditioning of like what love looks like and someone sends us that kind of positive, larger than life energy, we are oftentimes willing to compromise our boundaries. Now, the second thing about this is that, like I said earlier, you know, if someone sends you negative emotional energy that you empathically pick up on and they violate your boundaries, you're going to have nothing to do with them.
And if someone sends you like positive emotional energy and does something nice for you, then like that's pretty easy too. You're welcome to have them in your life. But this is what's so interesting is that when someone sends us positive emotional energy, but behaviors that are compromising towards us,
It confuses our brain. It adds a gigantic question mark when we are trying to assess them. And this question mark will become really important later. This is why people don't realize they're the victims of abuse because the abuser is sending them mixed signals. I'm sending you actions and behaviors.
that are toxic, but emotional energy that is the opposite. So this then leads to the second phase, which is testing. So in the first phase, they're trying to figure out fundamentally, is this person willing to compromise for the right reasons? And if the answer is yes, they move on to the second phase of testing. And now that becomes, okay, this person is willing to compromise, but what are all of the other reasons that they are willing to compromise?
They know you're willing to compromise if they're super nice or loving to you, but can they figure out all of the other vulnerabilities that you have that will lead you to compromising yourself and opening yourself to controlling and manipulative behavior? So here's what's really interesting about this phase, and this is what also confuses people a lot.
In this phase, they will oftentimes do things that will upset you, and then they will apologize. So I want y'all to understand what this is because this is really important, okay? This is what testing is. So if I do something nasty to you, does an apology fix it?
Because if I can apologize, which oftentimes seems like a green flag, right? Oh, someone hurt me in some way and they're apologizing. This means they are a good person. But when you are dealing with someone who is manipulative and abusive, the apology becomes a tool. Can I do something bad to you and apologize? And then will you let me get away with it? So they'll almost do this very, very like, uh,
subconsciously calculating thing where they will escalate. They'll do something nasty to you. Which one warrants an apology? And can an apology allow them to get away with their bad behavior? So this is exactly what they're going to do. They're going to violate your boundaries. They'll apologize. And then what you'll find is over time, we'll get to this in a second, they will start to escalate the ways in which they violate your boundaries. So what this looks like very classically is
is, you know, an abuser will maybe get physically abusive or emotionally abusive or say really nasty things. And then they'll kind of turn around and they'll say, I'm so sorry, you don't deserve that. Please give me another chance. I love you. I'm a flawed person. Sometimes when I drink too much, I lose control of myself. I promise I'm going to change. But really what they're doing is assessing whether the apology is sufficient to correct the bad behavior. And if the answer is yes, then...
then they can continue exerting the bad behavior on you and continue apologizing, right? So I can be, I've literally seen this. I can beat you today, apologize and get you flowers tomorrow. And then a month from now, and I swear I'm going to change. A couple of weeks, I'm on my best behavior. I'm loving. I'm so intoxicated. Thank you for giving me a second chance. And then a month or two down the road, I'm going to engage in the behavior again. So that's one form of testing.
The other thing that they'll do is see what other kinds of emotions get you to compromise your boundaries. So if I say, hey, I really want to hang out this weekend. And this is where things get really subtle. OK, I really want to hang out. I really want to see. And you say, oh, I have to work.
It's not always remember this is manipulation. It's not always like overt or violent. Right. So then they can say, oh, I'm suicidal. I'm having a really tough time. Oh, I'm sorry. I know you said you had to work, but it's just so hard. No, you go ahead and work. You work. I'm going to just handle things by myself. I'm just at home and I know things are hard and I know I want you to live your life. Just don't don't worry about me. I'll be OK. I'll be OK. You just keep doing what you need to do.
I just, I'll be okay. They'll use sadness to cause you to compromise your boundaries. Or they'll use things like anger where they'll be like, oh, like, you know, I can't believe that like you're always prioritizing work over me. They'll use anger. They'll use guilt. And here's the key way that you know whether this is manipulation or a part of a normal relationship.
which is it's almost like they're testing your defenses. So if sadness doesn't work, then they will get angry. If anger doesn't work, then they will be apologetic. If apologizing doesn't work, then they will guilt trip you. So what you'll feel is a plethora of emotions. They won't just use one emotional technique.
And if you are in a relationship where you see a lot of mercurial emotional responses, they get passive aggressive and then they get aggressive aggressive and then they feel guilty and then they make you make you feel guilty. Then they're apologetic. Then they get you flowers. This is what the testing phase looks like, right? Because they're trying to see, OK, what can I get away with?
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And this is where the emotional manipulation really sets in because you can't be emotionally manipulated if you are emotionally stable, right? So if I feel confident in myself, I'm not vulnerable to emotional manipulation, even if I feel incredibly sad. So when I work with depressed patients, I would love to change their emotions. But when their emotions are stable in some way, it becomes really hard to shape someone else's behavior. When someone is
pissed off every day, it's really hard to get them to change their mind, right? So what abusers will do is they'll actually try to create a question mark inside you. You don't know what's right. You don't know what's wrong. One day you're feeling this way. The next day you're feeling this way. And once you're kind of, once your insides are really confused,
Now you've really made yourself fertile ground for emotional manipulation because when you don't know what you feel, they can start engaging in behaviors to create emotions within you. So now I'm at the beginning, you know, I'm just, oh, I love you so much.
Right? That's why I'm touching you. I can't keep my hands off of you. And now it's like, I don't know, like you used to be okay with it, but now we're not touching the way that we used to. And what did I do wrong? And now I'm so sad and you're slipping away. Right? So like they start to change their different tactics or they get angry. What did I do wrong? I can't believe you're like this. All of my exes have been like this where like you promised me one thing and then you don't deliver. Like you kind of get what I'm saying. Maybe y'all are getting triggered a little bit. Hopefully not. So now you're confused.
And the moment that you become confused, they can start sending emotional energy in a particular way. They can make you feel guilty. They can make you feel sad. They can make you feel angry, right? So now you feel emotionally confused. They feel emotionally confused. They're angry. They're sad. They're making you, they're guilty. And then you are also getting angry, sad, and guilty. Now you're really confused. You have no compass. And so this is kind of the next stage where now you're ripe for emotional manipulation because they can evoke emotions within you. Once
They can evoke emotions within you. Then we enter sort of stage four, which is making you responsible for their emotional state and their behavior. So stage four is kind of the absolution of responsibility on your part. So what this kind of looks like is now y'all are kind of empathically tied where they feel angry and then you feel guilty, right?
They feel sad and then you feel guilty. You feel like, oh, I'm doing something wrong. Or they are very withdrawing. They start to be passive aggressive. They're super, super hot, super cold. And then you start to feel clingy. You start to wonder, what am I doing wrong? Now, this is when the abuse really sets in and the toxicity sets in because now you feel responsible for their emotions. Now, like,
Whether they are angry or not depends on how you are behaving. Whether they feel loved or not depends on how you are behaving. And I know we have this vision of an abusive person as usually like this strong, masculine, physically abusive, like emotionally like angry person who's very controlling and manipulative. But I've absolutely seen other versions of this of people who are like mentally ill and incredibly manipulative.
Their sadness, their tendency to cut, their suicidality all depends on how you treat them. So this is the key part is stage four is when you start to feel responsible and in control of their emotional state.
And this is why it's so hard to understand sometimes when you're in a toxic relationship, because you're the one who feels in control. You feel like, okay, if I'm loving enough, if I'm caring enough, if I respond to all of their texts, if I drop everything that I'm doing, then I can protect them from their sadness, from the evil inside them, from their suicidality.
And on the flip side, we see other more traditional examples of, you know, if I have the dinner ready right on time and if I keep the house clean, these are more traditional heteronormative examples, right? Then my husband won't hit me. It's my fault. And there's a hilarious and terrifying episode of South Park where, you know, they sort of parody this and there's a character who kind of says, I don't understand why you make me hit you.
So this is a key part where now the responsibility is on your side. They are absolved of all the responsibility. And this is why people stay in the situation because you don't actually feel powerless. What you actually feel is like, if I do things right, I can fix the situation, right? So if you...
compromise your boundaries. If you give them what they want, then you can actually control this very temperamental mercurial person. Before you realize it, your brain is making calculations to keep them stable. There's a great book about living with someone with borderline personality disorder called Walking on Eggshells, and that's what it feels like. It feels like you're walking on eggshells. You have to be really quiet, and if you do the wrong thing or you say the wrong thing, they will explode.
But their explosion is not their responsibility to emotionally manage. It suddenly becomes your responsibility to prevent their explosions. And now you're squarely ensnared in the relationship and it becomes incredibly hard to leave because
as you try to leave, they will engage once again in all of this emotional manipulation. If you try to leave, they'll give you the cold shoulder. And this is what you'll see is you'll see a variety of emotional techniques. If you say, hey, I don't know if this relationship is working for me anymore. Maybe they'll get angry and they'll say, oh yeah, like, you know, like I knew you were going to give up.
I talked to you about this. I told you, like, I didn't think you had it in you to stay. Now that things get a little bit challenging and now that, like, I'm having some difficulty, you want to leave? So they'll get angry with you. They'll feel guilty. Maybe they'll start crying. Maybe they'll start getting you flowers. Maybe they'll say, oh, I'm going to start going to therapy. And maybe they will even go to therapy. Right? So you'll see a variety of different techniques to kind of keep you there. And the last thing that makes these relationships so hard to get out of is that they're actually not all bad.
In fact, oftentimes what I see with toxic and abusive relationships is that the person that you are with is perfect 50% of the time, and they're terrible 50% of the time, right? So a great example of this is, you know, I've had several patients who have parents who have substance use disorders, addicted to heroin, addicted to alcohol, and it's so hard for a child to give up
on their parent who has a drug problem. And why is that? It's because when they're sober, the parent is guilty, the parent is available, the parent wants to make up for lost time. So they try to, they really have this genuine ability to like,
Try to really make this child's life really good, right? The parent is like, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. Let's do your favorite thing today. We're going to do all of your favorite things. Mommy or daddy is going to work really hard to be a better human being. And if you're a child and you have an abusive parent, when your parent says that to you, and they're authentic, by the way, they're not lying about that. You're like, oh my God, this parent is there. They're inside there, right? The perfect parent that I want, this person that I want to love me, right?
Right. This this person who is available and pays attention and we have a good time. This is genuinely a good parent. There's a perfect parent in there. The problem is that that parent isn't around all the time. And now the problem is that when they start drinking, they become someone else. But it's really hard for me to give up on them because I know that there's a potential there.
I've lived with that parent before. I know that this person has the possibility to change, right? I've seen them be really good. And this is where it's almost like, not hilarious, but it's terrible how manipulators have sort of figured out these random reinforcement schedules, which is why we gamble, right? So we would rather...
Play a game of poker where we have a chance of earning $40 and a chance of making no money as opposed to like working a job where we get paid $10 an hour. So the human brain, anytime it has, you know, the possibility of something going well and the possibility of something going poorly, we actually are more likely to engage in that behavior.
So the manipulators will actually take advantage of some of these gambling dynamics, these loot box mechanics of like, which person am I going to be today? Am I going to be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect girlfriend, or am I going to be a toxic boyfriend, toxic girlfriend? And on the receiving end, what you'll sort of find is if you are dating someone or if you're in a relation, it doesn't have to be dating.
where they are awesome part of the time and terrible the other half of the time, and you're finding yourself wondering, what can I do to bring out the best in this person, you may be in a toxic relationship. And so in this phase where you're starting to pull away, this is where you have to be really careful because as you pull away, they will try a variety of tactics to ensnare you back in.
And it doesn't just have to be emotional manipulation. They can also do things like reach out to your friends and family, reach out to your coworkers, reach out to your boss, reach out to your significant other, reach out to your best friends. They will try to recruit whoever they can to keep you in the relationship.
Now, here's what's really important. If you start to pull away from the relationship and then they get you to cave, I want y'all to think about what's going on at a meta level. Now you've given them another tool for manipulation. Now you've given them another way that, okay, if I go too far...
If I overstep, now I can use these techniques to keep this person in my control. The last thing that I want to comment on is that, you know, when I'm talking about all of this, like manipulation, abuse and toxicity in my overwhelming experience as a psychiatrist, very few of these people are evil. So I know it sounds kind of weird because we want to equip you with this playbook, but
And at the same time, I don't necessarily demonize these people because oftentimes the reason that they relate to you in this way is because this is how they were taught to socialize. So if you're talking about one of the highest risk factors to be an abusive parent,
is a history of abuse in your own life. If we look at the language that we use, if we look at the vernacular that we use, if we look at the way we dress and what we're interested in, a lot of that is socially constructed. Do you shake hands when you meet someone? Do you say please and thank you? Do you hug people when you meet them? Do you do a namaste when you meet them? Do you like awkwardly look away because you weren't taught how to make eye contact with people? So awkwardly
Oftentimes what I find is that even these people who are narcissistic or sociopathic, which is very rare, like sociopathy is like 1% of the population, right? So sometimes like one out of a hundred of them is like really evil. But most of the time, their own internal emotional environment is all messed up. They don't know how to self-regulate. They don't know how to build their self-esteem.
So they rely on you to provide them with comfort and reassurance and all this kind of stuff. So I don't think they're evil. And I think it's important to try to have compassion for that. And at the same time, we want to equip you with the skills so that y'all don't fall for their BS. Thanks for joining us today. We're here to help you understand your mind and live a better life. If you enjoyed the conversation, be sure to subscribe. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.