Episode 380: 5 Questions Sex Therapists Are Constantly Asked
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You're listening to the Sex and Psychology Podcast, the sex ed you never got in school and won't get anywhere else. I am your host, Dr. Justin Leigh Miller. I am a social psychologist and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of the book, Tell Me What You Want, The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. What are the most common questions that come up in sex therapy? That's what we're going to be talking about today. We're going to dive into five questions that come up over and over again.

These questions cover a wide range of topics, including difficulties reaching orgasm, wanting a different amount of sex than your partner does, how to explore new things in the bedroom, and concerns about what's normal when it comes to sexual fantasies. We're also going to address when you should consider seeking out professional help for a sex problem and explore a few tips for maintaining happy, healthy, and exciting sex lives for the long haul.

My guest today is Rachel Zahr, a licensed marriage and family therapist and an ASEC certified sex therapist. She holds a master's of science in marriage and family therapy from the Family Institute at Northwestern University and a PhD in clinical sexology, as well as certificates in sex therapy and sexuality education from the University of Michigan. Dr. Zahr is a clinical supervisor at Avid Intimacy, a sex and relationship therapy private practice in Chicago.

This is going to be another fascinating episode with lots of practical information for addressing common sexual concerns. Before we get to it, here is today's Level Up Your Love Life segment presented by Masterclass. Masterclass is the only streaming platform where you can learn and grow with over 200 of the world's best. Masterclass recently launched the Art of Sex Appeal class featuring Shan Boodram as the instructor.

This class can help you to learn everything from how to flirt better and increase your confidence in the bedroom to improving your intimate communication to cultivating a more fulfilling intimate life. I highly recommend this class because I think you'll get a lot out of it in terms of developing intimacy that is real, lasting, and undeniably yours.

In our Level Up Your Love Life segment, we're going to highlight some key lessons from the class that can help you in cultivating a hotter and healthier sex life. Today, we're diving into the topic of sexual communication, which is super important for both getting what you want and having great sex. All right, let's dive in. So one of the topics that Shan covers in the class is what to do when you want to try something in bed that your partner isn't into.

So, for example, maybe you shared a sexual fantasy that really turns you on and that you'd like to explore, but it's a no-go or even a turn-off to your partner. I thought this was a great topic to add to this episode because later on, we're going to be talking about how to tell your partner you want to try something new in the bedroom. But unfortunately, partners sometimes aren't on the same page about this. So, how do you navigate a situation like that?

The starting point is communication. Shan recommends using a technique developed by the Gottmans called the Dreamweaver and Dreamcatcher approach. This is actually a technique that you can apply to any complex situation in relationships, but it can be very useful in navigating sexual disagreements. So let's go back to the example of you sharing a fantasy that your partner isn't into. You're going to take on the role of the Dreamweaver. Basically, what this means is that you're going to talk honestly about your feelings here with regard to the fantasy.

Talk to your partner about what you really enjoy about this fantasy. What is it that turns you on about it? Why is this arousing to you? How long have you had this fantasy? And what parts of it are you curious about exploring in real life? Your goal here is not to try and persuade or convince your partner of anything. You're just explaining how you see it and how you feel. So for example, maybe you'll talk about how you want to explore a different side of your sexual self. Maybe add some novelty and adventure to the sex life that you have together that you think would be exciting for both of you.

Perhaps it's to connect with your partner on a deeper level, or maybe to explore different kinds of sensations so that you can better understand your own sexuality. Now your partner will take on the role of the dream catcher. They're the listener. Their job is to make you feel safe enough to be vulnerable and share your thoughts and feelings.

They're going to listen non-judgmentally and ask questions to help bring out your point of view. So for example, they might say things like, tell me why this is important to you, or ask questions about the story behind your fantasy, what it might look like if you actually tried it out in real life, and what it is that you really want or need in bed. In other words, how do you want to feel during sex?

The dream catcher is there to listen and learn, but not judge. It can also be helpful as the dream catcher to repeat verbatim what you heard from your partner to ensure that you've understood it correctly. The goal of this initial conversation is not to resolve the disagreement. It's unrealistic to think that you can do so very quickly, especially if you and your partner are pretty far apart on what it is that you want sexually.

So start first with the communication and mutual understanding. Then take some time to sit with it. Take a few days, a week, even longer depending on the situation to explore whether there might be some solution that would be mutually acceptable. The next step here is compromise. So for example, let's say your fantasy involves having a threesome, but your partner isn't so sure about doing that. So aside from bringing another person into the bedroom, what are some other ways that you might be able to explore this fantasy?

So, for example, are there certain sex toys that you could get that could mimic some of the sensations that would be present in a three-way? Could you maybe try a virtual threesome instead, where you and your partner simply flirt with another person online to get a sense of how each of you feel in a multi-partner dynamic? Come up with some alternatives to propose and see if you can find some common ground.

So the next time you find yourself facing a disagreement with a partner about what you want in bed, consider applying this Dreamweaver, Dreamcatcher framework as your starting point for clear communication. Then revisit the conversation at a future date once each of you has had the opportunity to think through an acceptable alternative or compromise.

All right, that wraps up our Level Up Your Love Life segment presented by Masterclass. A huge thank you to our friends over at Masterclass for sponsoring this segment and helping us all to learn and grow. We have much more ahead on today's show, so stick around and we're going to jump in right after this short break.

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Hi, Rachel, and welcome to the show. Thanks for having me, Justin. Excited to be here. Well, thanks so much for joining me. So we're going to be talking about five common questions that come up frequently in sex therapy. But before we get into that, I wanted to ask you to tell us a little bit about what brought you into the world of sex therapy in the first place. So what was it that drew you to this field?

I will admit that I had a lot more information going into this field than a lot of folks tend to do because I have a parent, I have a mother who's a sexual medicine doctor. So I think I got better sex education than most. And I was really surprised to find out that not everyone else knew as much as I did. And this happened largely because I had a past life as a journalist and I was doing a lot of writing about sex.

women's health in particular and sexual health. And the more I got out there into the world and spoke to folks and the kinds of questions that I was answering and the articles that I was writing helped me realize that, wow, there is just so much misinformation out there. And so many folks who feel lost in terms of their own sex lives. And even though I was well-educated, I was not immune to some of that, right? That's just part of human nature.

So my goals in getting into this field was to really be able to help on more of a one-on-one personal way. And I get to talk to people about their sex lives all day and what's more fun than that.

Right. It is definitely a fun job. And you certainly had a leg up on a lot of us in terms of your mom being a sexual medicine expert. Her name is Lauren Stryker, and she's one of the leading menopause experts, I would say, in the country. And I've collaborated with her on some workshops and other things. And so she's definitely a wealth of knowledge. So you were certainly more well-prepared than a lot of us. Sure. Although I did have a lot to learn. It took a lot of schooling to get there.

Thanks for sharing that. So you wrote an article recently about questions that you encounter over and over and over again as a sex therapist. So we're going to explore them one by one. And the first question is, I don't have orgasms during sex. What should I do?

And I gotta say, as a sex educator, I hear this one a heck of a lot too. In fact, when I used to teach college courses on human sexuality, on the very first day of every semester, I would allow the students to anonymously submit their biggest sex question and then I'd answer as many of them as I could. And this one routinely came up semester after semester. So what's your advice here? Or what do you do in therapy with people who can't seem to orgasm during sex?

Sure. It's such a good question and it's so important. I'm so impressed to hear that your students asked that question because there can be so much shame or embarrassment about the fact that you haven't experienced that yet or even I'm not sure if I've had an orgasm. By and large, we're hearing this question from folks with vulvas. And by and large, that's because they have a misguided idea about what's supposed to get them there.

that a lot of folks think that I'm supposed to be able to have either penis in vagina or toy in vagina or finger in vagina intercourse and that's supposed to get me to orgasm. And

What we know, because we know what vulvar anatomy looks like and how our nerve endings work, that that's not actually the most reliable way to get folks with vulvas to orgasm. That 95% at least of folks with vulvas need clitoral stimulation to get to orgasm.

orgasm. And if you look at your vulva, which I recommend everyone listening who has a vulva to do, especially if it's been a while, you'll see that your clitoris and your vaginal opening don't tend to actually be that close together.

So it's important that if you're frustrated with the fact that you're not having orgasms, that you think about, am I having sex? Am I being sexual in a way that's most conducive to actually getting the kind of stimulation that I need? And we know that clitoral stimulation is not the only way to get to orgasm. It is the most reliable. So if you haven't, I recommend getting out that mirror and

noticing what it feels like to touch different parts of your vulva, exploring. And if you can, try to focus on what feels pleasurable and lean into that as opposed to trying to get to orgasm. Nothing scares away orgasms faster than pressure to have an orgasm. So if you're trying to get to that finish line, that means that you're not in the moment luxuriating in the pleasurable sensations.

Yeah, thanks for sharing all of that. And you know, the piece about vulvar anatomy is really important. So there's actually some research looking at clitoral vaginal distance and how that relates to the odds of having an orgasm. And so there's actually literally something called the rule of thumb, which is that if the distance between your clitoris and vaginal opening is greater than the width of your thumb, you typically have a more difficult time reaching orgasm. By contrast, for those who have a shorter clitoral vaginal distance,

And it's typically a little easier because you're going to get more natural friction and stimulation of the clitoris during sexual activity. So yeah, it's partially about kind of knowing your own anatomy and knowing what works for you. And also thinking about, you know, can you reach orgasm during masturbation, but not during partnered sex? And that raises the question of, well, can you potentially bring in some of the sensations that you're getting during masturbation into partnered activity?

And I know you mentioned like the difficulty reaching orgasm is something that women in particular tend to have a lot of difficulties around. It's something that men can experience too. I know we hear a lot about the orgasm gap and how men on average are just much more likely to reach orgasm than women in a heterosexual context. But there are some guys who can't seem to climax. And oftentimes it's a similar situation in the sense that they can orgasm during masturbation, but not during partnered sex. And so something that can be useful there is

exploring sex toys. So using something like a masturbation sleeve or another male masturbator can actually be really helpful in terms of bringing some of the sensations that you might typically get during partnered sex into solo play so that you can learn to experience orgasm in different ways. So yeah, lots of things that you can try here, but ultimately it comes down to really knowing your own body.

Right, exactly. And that question of how's it going when you're masturbating when you're by yourself makes such a huge difference because we often expect, and it's not, I like to say, it's not that you're masturbating wrong. It's just that you got spoiled with what you're doing during masturbation. And there's certainly no reason that you can't bring in this, either bring in the same sort of sensations that you're using during masturbation to partnered sex or shift up,

the way that you're masturbating so that your body could acclimate because our bodies do acclimate.

Yeah, and I think that's such an important point that there isn't really a wrong way to masturbate. I think people just kind of learn and adapt and do what feels good for them based on their own unique anatomy. And then once you kind of have that knowledge, it's finding ways to get the sensation that you need to orgasm in partnered sex and learn based on your experiences through masturbation. So the second question is, my partner wants more sex than I do. Is something wrong with us?

And I hear this question or questions like this quite frequently, although sometimes it's framed as my partner wants less sex than me. You know, this is a classic sexual desire discrepancy, which as many sex therapists tell me is the single most common issue that they treat. So what's your advice in cases where partners want different amounts or frequencies of sex?

Yes, it is definitely the most common reason that sex therapists will see couples come into sex therapy. Although we'll also see individuals come in saying that, you know, my partner wants less or my partner wants more sex than me. How can I change that up or meet them in the middle? And the first thing that we're doing as sex therapists is online.

Always making sure to, first of all, normalize that there is literally no couple in the history of the world that doesn't have a desire discrepancy. Because all that means is a difference in the amount or the kind of sex that we want to be having. The question is how distressing that is.

isn't. And for the couples who come into sex therapy with this, it's because it's causing distress. So what we're working on is actually not the discrepancy itself, but the distress around it. How can we really understand what's happening here so that you can feel like you have a little bit more control in your relationship? Because folks will make a lot of meaning

out of this. First of all, we want to make sure that there's no coercive behavior going on in a relationship. Sometimes folks will either explicitly or implicitly feel like I need to have sex or else. This is for the lower desire partner. And we want to make sure that we're kind of nipping that message in the bud that obligatory sex is never going to feel sexy, right? You can't want something that's

or that's required or else, or that you'll be punished if you don't want. And then what we start to do is focus a little bit more on quality than on quality.

quantity. Because we know that a lot of folks don't necessarily have that spontaneous, I just can't wait to have sex desire. They have a, once something's sexy enough, and once something feels good and pleasurable enough, I'm going to have a responsive desire to it. So if we can shift the

quality of sexual experience to pleasure, what folks tend to find is that if they're having good sex, it matters less how frequently they're having sex. And again, even though we haven't necessarily changed the desire discrepancy, we get to lessen the distress.

Yeah, and I think that's a great approach. And, you know, all too often people do think that they're supposed to be having sex with a certain frequency and then they pile this pressure and expectation on themselves or maybe even on their partner that they should be doing it more and that just tends to undermine desire. And, you know, a really big issue that often comes up in these cases of sexual desire discrepancies is that sometimes the reason that one partner loses desire for sex faster than the other

is because they're having sex that just wasn't really meeting your needs. And it's totally normal to lose desire for sex that isn't really sex that's worth having, right? So it goes back to what you said about focusing on the quality of the sex. And if you can make sure that your needs are being met and that it's pleasurable for everybody involved, as you said, that can reduce the distress, but sometimes it can also increase desire because when you're having sex that's really worth having, it's probably going to make you want to have it even more.

Right. We don't want things that we don't like. That's not a dysfunction. That's just good judgment. Yeah. So the third question is, how can I ask my partner to try something new sexually? This is definitely another big topic. And I understand why so many people struggle with it, because telling your partner that you want to try something new in bed can be really dicey if it's not presented in the right way.

So, for example, it's easy for this to be misinterpreted as, oh, you're saying that you don't enjoy the sex that you're having with me, or I'm somehow sexually inadequate and I'm not meeting your needs, right? So what are some helpful ways of suggesting that you might like to try something new in the bedroom without causing a fight or without stoking your partner's insecurity? Exactly. The reason that this so often causes a fight is because...

Talking about sexuality can be so vulnerable for folks and hearing from a partner, especially a long-term partner that I haven't really been liking the kind of sex that we've been having can be so painful that it sometimes stirs up all of our defenses. And the truth is we're humans. We like novelty. Even if you're having great sex over time, you're going to probably want something new. So the advice that I give to clients is as best you can always offer it to your partner as an invitation to

instead of a critique. So you can say to a partner, there's this new exciting thing that I want to try. Or I was listening to this great podcast and I heard that some folks like to role play. What do you think? We try out some role play. I have this fantasy that I'd love to act out. If you say it in that way, it's an invitation. It's come play with me. If you go to a partner and say, I've been kind of bored or just, you know, I haven't had an orgasm in 10 years or

That's going to hurt. And it's going to take your partner sometimes to regulate and actually respond in the way that you want. So as best you can, avoid the critique, go for the invitation.

Yeah, I think the invitation approach is a really great way to think about this. And related to that, I know we've said this on the show before, that some advice that comes from the Gottmans is when you're having conversations about sex and trying new things with your partner, focus more on stating your positive needs as opposed to your negative needs, right? And like you said, if you launch in with criticism, it's

it's probably not going to go well. Like you said, it's going to put your partner's defenses up. It'll probably cause a fight as opposed to having some kind of breakthrough where you're going to both be on the same page and want to try something new together. So yeah, focusing on your positive needs

I think also making validation a part of the process can be really helpful as well. So start first by talking about how you enjoy the sex that you have with your partner and how hot and sexy and attractive you find them to be. And if you can sort of start with that compliment and then follow it up with an invitation, that can be a much more welcoming way to introduce this idea of, hey, let's try something new together. And I think also focusing on not just

why do I want to try this new thing, but also how there's something in it for each of us, you know, and here's why I think you might like it too. And what do you think about that? You know, all kinds of ways that you can approach this conversation without having it go off the rails and devolve into some type of big argument.

Exactly. And the other piece of advice that I give folks is it's always helpful with things like this, especially if you're not used to talking about sex in your relationship, which unfortunately a lot of folks aren't, is to try to have a meta conversation first. So to say to your partner, hey, I'd really like to talk about some exciting ideas I have for a sex life. Are you open to talking about sex?

into that. Get their consent. We love consent when it comes to everything sexual. So say to them, when would be a good time? I'd like you to do some thinking too about what you might like so that you both know that you're showing up to the conversation from a place of curiosity and excitement and that you both opted into being there as opposed to springing this

on your partner when they don't expect it or in the middle of a sexual experience when everybody's nervous system is aroused just tends to make for a much better space for the conversation. Yeah, I mean, having the right timing I think is really crucial for sexual communication because maybe you've been thinking about this for a really long time and you're

it's time. You really want to talk about it right now. But your partner had no idea that this was coming. It hasn't been on their mind. And so I think we kind of need to be open and flexible, give our partners a little bit of grace and say, hey, maybe they're not ready to talk about it right now, but let's find a time where we can talk about it and we can have an actual productive conversation. Because when you try and force a conversation about sex, your partner really doesn't want to talk about it right now. It's

probably not going to go well, right? So give them the time and space and come at this at a time when you can both show up and be present and be in the right headspace for having these conversations. Exactly. And if that's really hard, that's where sex therapists come in, right? We quite literally create the space, put a box around it, help everyone stay regulated throughout these conversations.

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Now, the fourth question is, we're having less sex than we used to. Is something wrong with us? And this is yet another question that I've heard many times over the years. You know, it's definitely a common experience. A heck of a lot of people find that sexual frequency starts to drop off after the first year or two into a relationship. And for some people, it drops off even sooner than that.

Of course, there's always individual variability. Some people start out with a pretty high sexual frequency and maintain a pretty high sexual frequency for the duration of their relationship. So always variation, but a lot of people do experience that drop at some point. So what do you say to people who are worried that their sexual frequency has dropped off to some extent?

First of all, what I'll say is you are normal. That is a normal thing to happen. And also, just because something is normal doesn't mean that you have to live with it, right? You get control here. You get to advocate for the change that you're wanting to see in your relationship. Again, if it's distressing to you, it's only a problem if it's a problem.

But what folks tend to find is that when they're first in a relationship, first of all, as we talked about earlier, we like novelty. We like new. There's an excitement. There's what we call a new relationship energy, which often is paired with anxiety. Our nervous system kind of conflates the two. There's a lot of mystery, which is important to that sense of eroticism.

And there's a lot of hormones flowing, right? There's a lot of that oxytocin and serotonin and dopamine that we're just kind of flooded with hormones that keep us wanting and craving and curious. Once we get into a place with our partner where there's more safety, right, we're not as hormone-driven anymore. When we're more attached, when we feel more safe, and then there's that kind of

disparity between safety and eroticism. So yay, you're feeling safe in your relationship. That's so exciting. That's what you want, but it might be less sexy.

All it means is that because your hormones are no longer taking the lead anymore, you've got to do it. You've got to sit yourself in the driver's seat and you've got to be more intentional around creating the space for sex, eroticism, exploration in your relationship. And a lot of folks tend to balk at this like it's supposed to be spontaneous. It's not. Yeah.

It's okay and in fact sometimes it's a lot better if you can plan and create this really intentional sex life with your partner.

And again, start to have these conversations with your partner around the kinds of sex you want and the context for sex that feels best for you. And those are the kinds of sexual relationships that actually tend to go the distance in terms of maintaining sexuality and eroticism that you're able to just constantly evolve and be intentional as your relationship evolves.

Yeah, I think those are all great points. And yes, it is absolutely, totally normal for sexual frequency to decline over time in long-term relationships. And again, it doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem. And sometimes the problem is self-imposed because you're looking at other people or...

You're seeing things in movies and TV and porn, and it seems like everybody else is having way more sex than you. And so sometimes it's just sort of a comparison level issue. And the frequency that you want sex or enjoy sex might be very different from what other people are doing. And you might want to do it less, and that's okay, right? There is no right or correct sexual frequency. But if it is something that is distressing, I think something else that you can also do, particularly in the context of long-term relationships,

is to try and help cultivate some sense of mystery again about your partner. Because part of what is appealing and attractive to us in the early stages of a relationship is that there is that mystery. We don't fully know everything about this other person. And then, you know, as you said, as safety starts to become a bigger factor in the relationship and you get to know your partner so much better, that sense of mystery tends to fade. And oftentimes partners become codependent and they're doing everything together and there just is no mystery left.

And so something partners can sometimes do that can be helpful is to regain some autonomy or individuality in your relationship. And that could include, for example, each of you pursuing your own separate non-sexual interests or hobbies.

Sometimes it's going out and doing those non-sexual things that helps to create or cultivate that sense of mystery because then when you get together again, you have something to talk about and it can be kind of exciting in that way. So yeah, cultivating that sense of mystery and individuality and autonomy in the relationship can be really crucial for a lot of people to reinstating those feelings of desire.

Absolutely. It feels counterintuitive that separateness actually leads to increased desire. But remember that we can't desire or yearn for something that's right there all the time. There's no space to actually desire it. So feeling like yourself, feeling like you're still exploring in your life sexually or otherwise, and then having something to bring back to your partner and talk about and share and trying new things together, sexual or non-sexual.

can really spark something. Yeah, absolutely. So the final question is, are my fantasies normal? Now, as a sexual fantasy researcher, I can't tell you how many times I've heard this one. And in fact, it's one of the reasons why I wrote a whole book on fantasy is called Tell Me What You Want. Now, I have a lot that I could say on this subject, but let me first start by asking for your answer. So what do you say to folks who are concerned that their fantasies aren't normal?

Generally, the answer is, yep, normal. Because as you know, fantasies are the depths of our imagination. And they're a space where we get to explore the taboo and think of the wildest thing that we could possibly think of, whether or not we actually have any interest in that in real life. And having an active imagination is...

quite the perk, actually, when it comes to sexuality. It can be quite the sexual tool unless there's shame with it. So the thing that's not normal is the shame, not the fantasy itself. We want to try to work through that as best as possible. It's also important to remember relationally that your partner's fantasies, though they might not be the same as yours, or though you might not really get what's sexy about that, are probably normal.

We talk a lot about as long as you're able to distinguish between fantasy and reality, you're fine. If you can go and see The Fast and the Furious and then drive safely on the way home, you have the capacity to fantasize about things that are taboo, that are really out there, and then decide, "What do I want to actually do with that in my day-to-day life?" So we do have the capacity to separate those two things.

And it can be a really exciting place to explore with your partner, to share sexual fantasies, whether or not you intend to actually act a room.

Yeah, sharing fantasies can be a great form of dirty talk. You know, it doesn't always have to be, "I'm sharing this fantasy and next thing you know, we're going to act on it," right? Sometimes it's just sharing the fantasy as an act of vulnerability, allowing your partner to better understand you as an erotic person, and using that as a source of dirty talk and sexual inspiration.

Now, when it comes to are my fantasies normal, what I found in my research is that there's a heck of a lot of commonality in the things that people are fantasizing about. So odds are what you're fantasizing about is the same thing that lots of other people are fantasizing about too. So this is an area where having just a little bit of sex education and going out and looking at the research and data on, well, what are other people fantasizing about is something that can really

help to alleviate a lot of those concerns about shame and anxiety about fantasies. Because one of the things I see in my data is that the rarer that somebody thinks their fantasy is in the population, the more guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety they feel about it. And it doesn't matter what they're fantasizing about. It just matters that they think their fantasy is uncommon or

or rare. So resetting our ideas about what a normal sexual fantasy is, I think is really important for reducing a lot of that shame and anxiety. And that's a really important first step before you ever go about sharing your fantasies with a partner. Because if you don't feel good about your own fantasies, it only becomes even harder to have a discussion about them with a partner that is productive in any way.

Exactly. If you're sharing your fantasy in a way that feels like a confession of something that's really shameful, it's not going to have a neurotic energy to it. But again, if it feels like an exciting invitation to get a look at what's going on beneath the hood of my sexual life, then it can be a really sexy place to go.

And I think too, when it comes to sharing fantasies, it's always good to start low and go slow, right? So take turns sharing fantasies with one another. You could even make it part of an erotic game if you wanted to, to add an element of fun to it. And don't necessarily lead with your most wild, adventuresome, exciting sexual fantasy. Maybe start at the more mild end of the spectrum. It'll just be a way to kind of warm up

help let the trust and intimacy build. And then as you advance, you can get into more intense and wild sexual fantasies. So we've covered some of the most common questions that come up in sex therapy, but something else I wanted to briefly ask you about is when is the right time to see a sex therapist? So in other words, when should you think about seeking professional help for an issue that you're dealing with in your sex life? I think the most important thing to keep in mind when you're making this decision is, is there distress?

around this. And remember that part of what goes into the training to be a sex therapist is that we really have heard it all. It will be very, very hard, I promise you, to surprise your sex therapist. We are very

comfortable having these conversations and we also understand that you might not be and we're willing to you just said low and slow the same thing will happen in sex therapy too we'll start with where your comfort area is and we'll move with you based on where you are getting your consent along the way to dive deeper into what's going on for you so if you're feeling a lot of distress about anything related to your sex life or your sexuality

That's a good sign that sex therapy will help. If you're finding that it's really hard or even feels impossible to have these conversations with your partner, that's a good time to seek out sex therapy. Remember that sex therapists, by and large, are therapists first. I'm a couples therapist, and I was a couples therapist before I became a sex therapist. So we will help you have these conversations later.

The main advice I'd give is as soon as you start to consider it, that's probably a good time because the longer and longer you go sitting in this distress or shame or discomfort, the harder it may be, not impossible, but the harder it may be to unwind it.

Yeah, I think it's so true. And sometimes when it comes to sexual problems, people really just let them fester for years and in some cases decades before seeking out any type of help or solution. And like you said, it only becomes harder the longer you wait to address it because it just becomes a bigger and

bigger issue and it can spill over and lead to other effects in the relationship and it can lead to trust violations and other things like that. So yeah, it's better to seek help early on if you're feeling those feelings of distress and especially if you've tried some things and you really just don't feel like you have the tools or the equipment or the skills, communication skills that you need to address this on your own. Absolutely.

Thank you so much for this amazing conversation, Rachel. It was a pleasure to have you here. Can you please tell my listeners where they can go to learn more about you and your work? Absolutely. It was a pleasure to be here. You can find me at rachelzartherapy.com and on Instagram at rachelzartherapy. Well, I will be sure to include links to all of that in the show notes. So thank you again so much for your time. I really appreciate having you here.

Thank you for listening. To keep up with new episodes of this podcast, visit my website, sexandpsychology at sexandpsychology.com or subscribe on your favorite platform where I hope you'll take a moment to rate and review the show. If you listen on Apple Podcasts, please consider becoming a Sex and Psychology Premium subscriber to enjoy ad-free listening for just $3.99 a month.

You can also follow me on social media for daily sex research updates. I'm on Blue Sky and X at Justin Laymiller and Instagram at Justin J. Laymiller. Also, be sure to check out my book, Tell Me What You Want. Thanks again for listening. Until next time.