Episode 389: How To Improve Your Sexual Satisfaction
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You're listening to the Sex and Psychology Podcast, the sex ed you never got in school and won't get anywhere else. I am your host, Dr. Justin Leigh Miller. I am a social psychologist and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of the book, Tell Me What You Want, The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. How does sexual satisfaction change over time in a long-term relationship?

Research finds that over the first year, there's a steady increase. And that makes sense because with a new partner, there's a bit of a learning curve in terms of what they like or enjoy. So as you come to learn more about your partner, you're probably better able to provide them with pleasure. After that first year though, sexual satisfaction starts to decline gradually on average. And that's because the initial burst of passion and novelty starts to wear down. However, that decline in sexual satisfaction is both preventable and reversible.

So let's talk about how to do it. In today's show, we're going to talk about the biggest predictors of sexual satisfaction in relationships and what you need to know if you want to maintain high levels of satisfaction. We're also going to talk about how many people today are currently satisfied and how many are not, as well as whether people today are less sexually satisfied than they were in the past. My guest is Dr. Tara, an Associate Professor of Relational and Sexual Communication at California State University Fullerton.

She is also a sex and relationship coach and host of the podcast Love Bites by Dr. Tara. This is going to be another fascinating episode. Before we dive into Dr. Tara's research on sexual satisfaction, I have a bonus segment for you in which we'll be exploring what the science says about whether spontaneous sex actually leads to more satisfying sexual encounters. Here is today's Level Up Your Love Life segment presented by Masterclass. With Masterclass, you can learn from the best to become your best.

Masterclass recently launched the Art of Sex Appeal class. Featuring Shan Boodram as the instructor, this class aims to teach you how to flirt better and attract the person you're looking for, how to create deeper emotional intimacy and meaningful connections, sexual positions and techniques for more fulfilling sex, and so much more. I loved this class and I think you're going to get a lot out of it. In our Level Up Your Love Life segments, we're going to highlight key lessons from the class that can help you in cultivating a hotter and healthier sex life.

Today, we're diving into the topic of how spontaneous sex and planned sex are linked to sexual satisfaction. Alright, let's dive in. So, Shan covers a lot of tips in this class that can help when it comes to improving sexual satisfaction. And one of the things that she talks about is how in long-term relationships, we need to reimagine sexual passion. We know that following the honeymoon phase, those intense feelings of sexual connection usually start to wind down. And along with that, the sex typically becomes less spontaneous.

But does less spontaneity actually translate to less satisfaction? Let's explore what the research says. Many people believe that spontaneous sex is better than planned sex, in part because they think spontaneity springs from an authentic sexual connection. With planned sex, the passion has to be created, and that takes at least a little effort. To some, the sheer idea of planned sex may feel like work as opposed to fun and a pursuit of pleasure. However, sex therapists take a different perspective.

When couples complain of a desire discrepancy, which is one of the most common reasons that people seek sex therapy in the first place, therapists often introduce the spontaneity myth and they direct clients to plan out their sexual encounters as a means of building sexual anticipation and excitement. So what are the pros and cons of spontaneous versus planned sex?

A recent set of studies published in the Journal of Sex Research tackled this topic through a two-pronged investigation looking at the associations between spontaneous sex, planned sex, and sexual satisfaction. In the first study, researchers compared people's beliefs about spontaneous versus planned sex. In total, they had more than 300 people who took part in the study, and all participants were currently in a long-term relationship of some type and live with their partner.

The researchers predicted that participants would endorse the spontaneous sex belief more often than the planned sex belief. And that did indeed turn out to be the case, showing that more often than not, people tend to believe that spontaneous sex is better than planned sex. This seems to be a normative or conventional attitude when it comes to sexual initiation.

Now, while people who recalled their most recent sexual experiences being planned did indeed report lower sexual satisfaction on average than those who had spontaneous sex, this was not the case among those who strongly believed that planned sex can be satisfying. In other words, if you believe that planned sex can be good, planning sex doesn't have to take any of the fun out of it.

Now, this first study was a little bit limited because it required people to reflect back on a previous sexual experience rather than gathering information about their sex lives on an ongoing basis. So they conducted a second study in which they had more than 100 couples report on their daily sexual activity, including whether the sex they had was spontaneous or planned, as well as how sexually satisfied they were each day.

The key finding from the second study was that the belief that spontaneous sex is better did not actually translate to higher sexual satisfaction at the baseline or beginning of the study or when spontaneous sex actually occurred. So while people seem to think that sex is going to be better when it happens spontaneously, the reality is that people generally find sex to be similarly satisfying regardless of whether it originated in the moment or it was planned in advance.

It's also worth noting that there are many reasons why planned sex may better suit some couples' needs. So, for example, the researchers noted that needing to juggle various responsibilities, such as childcare and work schedules, may allow for few, if any, opportunities for spontaneous sex, thereby making planned sex a very useful tool. Additionally, some participants reported enjoying the anticipation of a sexual experience that planned sex creates.

At the same time, some people in the study also reported barriers to enjoying spontaneous sex. So for example, one participant noted that spontaneous sex detracted from their satisfaction because it didn't allow them enough time to get aroused before penetration. This comment is illuminating because it points to inadequate or insufficient sexual stimulation as a potential barrier to enjoying spontaneous sex.

This is actually a very common sexual complaint, particularly among heterosexual women, given that a lack of attention to a partner's arousal before penetration is a leading contributor to the orgasm gap. So what all of this tells us is that while spontaneous sex might sound good in theory, in practice, it might not always be the most desirable form of sex for everyone. Planned sex can be just as good as spontaneous sex, especially if you're open to the idea that planned sex can be pleasurable sex.

All right, that wraps up today's Level Up Your Love Life segment presented by Masterclass. A huge thank you to our friends over at Masterclass for sponsoring this segment and helping us all to learn and grow. We have much more ahead on today's show, so stick around and we're going to jump in right after this short break. Have you ever felt overwhelmed, exhausted, distant, or disconnected from your partner? If so, you're not alone. But I have a solution for you. It's called Paired. It's an app for couples who want to strengthen their relationships.

Paired was founded on the simple belief that real, lasting love is a daily practice. All of Paired's content is backed by experts and relationship therapists, and it really works. You and your partner simply download the app, pair together, and every day Paired gives you personalized questions, quizzes, and games to stay connected and have deeper conversations. You'll learn how to communicate better, open up more, and argue less. One of my favorite things on the app are the quizzes, including the Yes/No/Maybe sex list.

It's a fun exercise that you can do to figure out the areas where you and your partner overlap and get some inspiration for new things that you might try together. This was one of the first quizzes that my partner and I completed on the app, and let's just say that it definitely gave us some new ideas. Whether you're just a few dates in or been together a long time, find the time to connect with your partner and nourish your relationship. Start strengthening your relationship in an easy and fun way, and it only takes five minutes a day.

Head to paired.com slash Justin to get a seven-day free trial and 25% off if you sign up for a subscription. Just head to paired.com slash Justin to sign up today. Hi, Dr. Tara, and welcome to the show. Hello, excited to be back.

Thanks so much for joining me. It's a pleasure to have you here. It's been a little while since you've been on the show, but I'm looking forward to chatting with you about all things sex. So in today's episode, we're going to talk about the top predictors of sexual satisfaction based on your research. But before we dive into those factors, tell us a little bit about what you found with respect to how people today are feeling about their sex lives. So how many people are satisfied and how many aren't?

A lot of people are not. I would say about 60% said that their sex life could be better. And then within that 60%, there's variations of how dissatisfied they are. I would say about 30% say that they are dissatisfied. And then the rest would say that they want their sex life to be better.

Yeah, and that's pretty consistent with what I've seen in my own research is that people are kind of divided into thirds, right? Where there's a third who's like really happy and everything is going great in their sex life. There's a third where everything is really bad. And then there's that middle third who's like, it's good in some ways, but could be better, right? So, yeah, makes sense. Yeah. Where are we on that scale? Where am I? Yeah.

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle to the higher end range. Yeah, yeah. Like the border at the border. Depends on how busy I am that week. Yeah. I mean, the biggest issue for me is too many things going on in my life that like, you know, I spend all of my time talking about and writing about and thinking about sex, you know, for my job, but that doesn't leave enough time to actually do it. Right. Yeah.

I know. Are you one of the people that put sex on Google Calendar? I mean, I feel like I should sometimes because that's the only way it's going to happen because I got too many other things going on in my life. But what about you? It's so helpful. I do it. I think it can be a great idea. I mean, the idea of formally scheduling sex doesn't sound sexy to a lot of people, but it can and does work, especially if you've got a very

busy life. So we know from a lot of research that people today are having less sex than they were in the past. And this is true across all demographics and it's pretty consistent across cultures too. So we're not getting it on as much as we used to. And we know from other research that sexual frequency plays some role in sexual satisfaction, such that people who are doing it less tend to be less satisfied on average.

But I'm curious for your take on this. Do you think that people today are less sexually satisfied than they were in the past since we're having less sex? And how much do you think frequency really matters when it comes to sexual satisfaction? Ooh, that's a big question. I would say people are more sexually dissatisfied now than ever.

And there are various factors contributing to that dissatisfaction, right? Some of them are intrapersonal, some of them are interpersonal, and some of them are media related. So, you know, porn consumption is through the roof, right? And I don't hate porn. I love porn. But at the same time, there are lots of people that are misusing it or abusing it, which renders different outcomes, right?

So there's just so many different factors contributing to why people may feel so dissatisfied right now with all the things that are bombarding us in our lives. In terms of sexual frequency, I'm in the camp because I know there are many camps of this. I subscribe to the idea that regular sexual activity based on that person's definition of best frequency is the best.

So if my definition is at least once a week and my husband's is the same, then at least once a week kind of sustain our crave for sexual connection and to be closer to one another. But who am I to say if another couple says they are satisfied with once a month, right? But as long as people are on the same page with their frequency, I think that's the best. However, I'm sure you see this too, right?

Most of the people I work with, they do not have the same desire for the same frequency. And that becomes a big problem when two people are not willing to compromise or be creative.

Yeah, I think that's a great answer. And I think people do get too hung up on what is the right or correct amount of sex that I should be having. You know, there's some sex therapists, for example, who say you should be having once a week maintenance sex with your partner. Like, even if you don't really want it, you should still be doing it with this frequency in order to have those opportunities to connect. And I think, you know, for some people, once a week is too much. For other people, it's not enough, right? It matters more in terms of

How much sex do you actually want? And are you on the same page with your partner about it? And yeah, there are lots of people who are in relationships where they have sex pretty infrequently and they're still very sexually content, right? So it's not so much about how much you're doing it. It's about, are you doing it with a frequency that matches up with what both you and your partner or partners want? Yeah, totally. This might be the case of quality over quantity. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, sexual quality matters so much more than quantity. And also, if you're having really good quality sex, that's the kind of thing that's going to make you want it more often. Oh, 100%. I mean, I'm comparing my sex life now with my husband, with the sex life that I had when I was single. And back in the days when I wasn't working on myself, I was having a lot of casual sex to get external validation. And during that time, I had a lot of bad sex.

sex. And that does not equate to anything. Yeah. I mean, when it comes to sex, more isn't always better. So before the show, you provided me with a list of what you see as being the key factors in sexual satisfaction based on your research. So we're going to dive into them one by one. So first up is sexual self-esteem. So how do you define sexual self-esteem and why is it such a key factor in sexual satisfaction?

Yes. So sexual self-esteem is a positive feeling of one's sexual self-worth. So if you feel like you're worthy of pleasure, that you're worthy of like taking the time to receive pleasure,

and you know that you're a competent lover, all of those things contribute into sexual self-esteem. Also body image also contribute to sexual self-esteem. Now in my research, I did a self-report survey. So I have to say that so that we know like how I measured it. So we don't know if it's like a hundred percent truthful all the time, right? When it comes to self-report surveys. But

But at the same time, I was able to collect data from over 5,000 people. So there's some sort of data redundancy to show that sexual self-esteem is a huge predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction or sexual satisfaction of people that are in long-term relationships.

Yeah. And it makes sense because if you are higher in sexual self-esteem, if you feel good about your body, if you feel worthy of pleasure, that means that for one thing, you're probably going to have an easier time relaxing in the bedroom, right? Because you won't be as anxious and focused and in your head thinking about, oh, how do I look right now? Or, you know, am I doing a good enough job? Right? Well,

Lots of people engage in what's called spectatoring when they're engaged in sexual activity, where they're kind of like mentally stepping outside of themselves and overanalyzing and being overly critical of themselves. So, you know, if you've got higher sexual self-esteem, you're probably going to be doing less of that spectatoring.

You know, that's so funny. In my early 20s, I remember vividly every time I have to give a blow job, I would count in my head to 50 because I'm like, that is enough. I would just go, you know, up and down, up and down, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, sometimes using my hands too, but just counting to 50. And I remember like, okay, I'm not in it. I'm not in it. I'm not enjoying it. And I'm just doing it.

So after embarking on more of a sexual empowerment journey and trying various sex positive activities and exercises, I now know that there are sexual activities that are considered like a giving act that can also be pleasurable to the giver. And you're not just working. But, you know, in my early 20s, I feel like blowjob is a job. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, sex should not feel like work, right? Because when it does, you know, it feels like something that we have to do as opposed to something we really want to do. You know, that can undermine our intrinsic motivation, you know, for wanting to have sex and can reduce our desire for it in the future. So yeah, totally understand that. Now, sexual self-esteem is something that a lot of people struggle with. You know, oftentimes people don't feel confident in their own bodies or they're not

confident in their genital appearance or maybe the size of their penis, or maybe they're worried that they aren't good at sex or they have doubts about their sexual skills. So what are some practical things people can do to boost or increase their sexual self-esteem? So this is going to be based off of positive psychology research, and it's simply positive self-talk.

positive self-talk is extremely effective and beneficial when you do it for a long period of time. And so there's not going to be a quick fix where, you know, you take a pill and then the next day like, oh, I feel so worthy. This is going to be consistent practice and it's going to take at least two, three, four weeks before you feel anything. But it also doesn't cost anything. That's why I love it. I love recommending things that don't cost anything. Right.

Am I cheap? I don't know. I'm proud of it. But how to enact positive self-talk, there's various methods, right? One of them is just talking to yourself inside your head quietly, right? Just repeating positive affirmations about your genital, about your body, about the sexual encounter, about maybe even just your sexual energy.

You can say it out loud, looking at yourself in the mirror. You can write. That's my favorite. I write in my journal every single day. Even if I'm so busy, I will spend like three minutes writing in it. But I write every single day for the last six years. And within my journal, I always make sure that I have one or two sentences that's about my sexuality and something positive.

So you can journal. You can also say it in your phone and listen to it back, which is kind of a cool method that I've tried for about two months. But then I just realized I prefer writing more.

Another way that's also fun to do is to do it with your partner. So you film yourself saying positive things. For example, you know, I love my sexual energy. I have an amazing body. I have an amazing penis or, you know, I have an amazing pussy. And then send that clip to your partner. Make this almost like a shared ritual.

Yeah, I think that positive self-talk can definitely help. It reminds me of a lot of the body appreciation exercises that are frequently recommended when people have body image issues, where you just kind of start by standing in front of the mirror and finding just one thing about your body, no matter how small it is. Could be your eyelashes, could be your ears, whatever. And just finding that one thing that you like or appreciate and allowing yourself to compliment that.

yourself on that. And, you know, once you do this for a while, again, there's no quick fix with any of this. It's a slow process, but you start to become more comfortable, more confident in yourself. So yeah, the positive self-talk can definitely be helpful in cases where you have these issues with sexual self-esteem. But I think another part of it too, is that you have to learn to accept compliments from other people. Because oftentimes when we have low sexual self-esteem, when somebody complains,

compliments us on our body or our sexual performance, we can't accept that compliment, right? We find some way to dismiss it and say, oh, they were, you know, they didn't really mean it. They were just trying to be nice. And when you can never accept a compliment from someone else, that really gets in the way of helping to build up your sexual self-esteem, right?

Yeah, and you can do that in your daily life too. If someone tells you like, oh, you look so good today. Oh, I love your dress. Oh, your hair looks so good. Just say thank you. Rather than like, oh, no, no, I haven't brushed it forever. Or, you know, like I noticed that a lot actually. I love giving compliments to strangers. A little bit creepy, but...

I'm a very personable person. But in the bathroom, if I see a woman next to me that's putting on a lipstick and I'm like, oh, wow, I love your dress. I just say it, right? I'm someone that when I see something, I like it, I say it. And I noticed so many, I mean, I haven't told a lot of guys compliments, so I don't know. But so many women will not accept it.

I'll be like, oh, I love your dress so much. And they will be like, oh no, I haven't even like steam it. It's so wrinkly. Or I'll say, you know, I love your hair. It's so good. And they'll be like, oh no, I haven't done my roots in forever. Like they just cannot accept just regular compliments, let alone sexual. Yeah. And we need to be in a position where we can feel confident enough in ourselves that we can accept the compliment from somebody else for what it's worth.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. I may be a sex and relationship educator, but that doesn't mean that I have everything figured out in my own personal life. Sometimes I need a little help too when it comes to finding new ways of communicating and keeping things fresh.

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Now, another big predictor of sexual satisfaction is sexual mindfulness. So please describe for us what mindfulness is and why it's important to satisfying sex. Yes. So sexual mindfulness is the ability to be present and non-judgmental during sexual encounter. And it's a simple definition, but very hard to do.

Just be present, right? Like just be present. Just be non-judgmental. Don't judge yourself. Don't judge the partner. But at the same time, you know, if you grew up not having proper sex education and you learn everything from like the 90s or 2000s mainstream porn, you will judge yourself. Porn stars are athletes. And we don't look like that when we make love or have sex and stuff.

I, for one, know that it took me a long time to get out of that bubble that I lived in that was like, it needs to look a certain way. And I practiced arching my back in a mirror just to see if it looks sexy. It's quite damaging for young people that don't know any better to learn from some of the extreme things.

mainstream porn. And mindfulness itself isn't necessarily, it doesn't have to be, you know, oh, you should practice sexual mindfulness. If you practice mindfulness in your daily life, whether it's breath work, meditation, some people do movements like ecstatic dance or movement that's meditative or

or even workout. Some people say when they work out quietly, it's a meditation. Whatever it is for you. Oh, another thing that I really like is mindful eating. So whatever it is for you, but if you practice mindfulness every single day, it will then translate into you being able to be more present in sex as well.

Yeah. And so it sounds like in some ways, sexual self-esteem goes hand in hand with mindfulness, right? Because if you have low sexual self-esteem, it's probably going to be harder to be present and in the moment during sex. Because again, you're thinking about how does my body look? What is my sexual performance like? Am I good enough at sex and so forth? So...

You might actually want to start first by working on the sexual self-esteem piece before working on the mindfulness piece, because I think those two things can go hand in hand. And so when you're engaging in mindful sex, you're not sitting there counting to 50 in your head while you're giving a blowjob. This means you're going to be fully immersed in the moment. Yeah.

paying attention to the physical sensations. So, you know, mindfulness is one of those things that I think a lot of people also struggle with. You know, it's hard to be present during sex for a lot of reasons. You know, for example, maybe you're just like going through a really stressful time in your life right now. And that shows up during sex with some intrusive thoughts about, you know, what you need to do for work and these deadlines that you have to meet.

Or you might just be an easily distractible person during sex where you find yourself pulled out of the moment frequently because, oh, there was a dog barking outside or, oh, the ceiling fan is making some weird noise right now. Right. So can you give us some more practical tips in terms of like how we can learn to become more mindful during sex? Like how do we shut off that inner monologue that keeps going on?

Yeah, I love what you just shared. And something came up in my mind immediately. A client of mine said, you know, I have a dying parent and a sick kid. How can I be present during sex? And I'm like, ooh, that's heavy, right? Because there's always going to be some challenges that pops up in your life at different phases of life. And, you know, she was like, yeah,

Dying parent, sick kid, how can I even have sexual desire? Right. There's a lot of obstacles to get there. But talking about practices that are effective in helping people feel more sexually mindful based on a lot of research from, oh, you know her, Dr. Lori Brotto. Oh, yes. Yes. Would be sexual meditation. Yes.

Which also goes along with sexual visualization and breath work. I often talk about visualization meditation. And people will say like, oh, I got no time for that. Or they will say like, you know...

Oh, of course, I'll think about my big penis and my penis will become big, right? Like they make fun of it. They mock it. And I said, you know, your favorite athletes do it every single day or every single time before they have a game. Kobe talked about it. LeBron talked about it. LeBron loves visualization meditation. So I would say for me, based on my personal practice for the last six years...

At least a five-minute sexual meditation every day has really helped me become very present during sex and also has helped me maintain a level of sexual desire that I feel good about.

Yeah, that all makes sense. And something else I like to recommend when it comes to being present during sex is that I think it's important to try new things sexually because when you're trying new things, that can help to create this more immersive experience where you're pulled into the moment. You know, when sex is the same every single time,

It's a lot easier for you to grow bored or for you to start thinking about other things and your mind starts wandering. But if you're trying something that's new and different, it has a way of kind of like pulling you in and helping you to be more present. So yeah, harnessing the power of novelty can also be another way of kind of getting into that mindful state where you're really focused on the sensations and the experience as opposed to those distracting thoughts in your head.

That's so true. You know, when you do the same thing all the time, you kind of get into the autopilot, right? Because even like in your daily life, if you always hop on a treadmill and run like every single day for 10 years, like you just autopilot and you just go do that. But if you're doing a new thing, you have to pay attention, right? Like, oh, how do I do this? How do you use this? How do I flex my muscles? So it's, yeah, exactly the same thing during sex. And I love that.

For sexual meditation, I know that some people say they don't like to meditate because they can't just sit in a quiet space. So if you ever want to do guided sexual meditations, I have a bunch of them on YouTube and they're fun. It's just me guiding you and sometimes I guide you to touch your genital, which is fun. But I found that using guided meditation for me at least is easier than meditating quietly.

Yeah, and I agree that that definitely works better for some people. And also some people just don't want to be too alone with their thoughts. So having a guided meditation can make that practice a little bit easier.

So another big predictor of sexual satisfaction that you find in the research is sexual communication. And we all know that communication is important because we hear it all the time. However, I think a lot of sexual advice falls flat because it just boils down to communicate more without actually telling people how to communicate.

You know, sexual communication is a skill that most of us are never formally taught because sex ed sucks, right? So do you have any practical tips you can share on how to make sexual communication easier?

Yeah. So the framework that I use is looking at it from a macro and micro communication perspective and making sure that you're doing both. Because without a framework, you might think you're doing it, but maybe you're missing one. So macro sexual communication is talking about your sex life. Micro sexual communication is talking during sex.

So, macro sexual communication, how do I go about doing this? I do what is called the sexy check-in. And every month, we might be on a date or on a hike or on a beach walk. I just said, hey, I just want to do a check-in about our sex life. So, how do you feel about our sex life this last month from 1 to 10? And you have to be in a relationship that

have that sort of trust and openness in order to practice this? And if you don't have that sort of trust and openness, maybe it takes like the prerequisite to get there. So maybe you need to do like some trust exercise and openness exercise before you get there. But yeah, I asked that question and we're usually really honest. Like if I feel like he's been really busy and a little bit neglecting our sex life, then I'll say, you know, this last month I felt five.

And I do want to feel seven. So the next probing question that we do is then what can we do, we, right, not just me or you, what can we do to improve that score by one point next month? So that's macro sexual communication. And then you also mentioned there's micro sexual communication. So communicating during sex. So any tips there on communication during the act itself?

Yes. So I would say two easiest things to do. First is compliment. Second is feedback. So feedback, do a small feedback. You don't need to be sitting them down and be like, hey, listen, I never liked the way you eat me out. That's a big conversation and that's for later. But during sex, something you can do is giving feedback like, oh, can you turn to the left a little bit? Or slow down here, slow down here or whatever.

Like go fast, go fast, right? Like this is like very simple micro sexual communication. And compliments like you look so good, you smell so good. I love having sex with you. You feel good. Any small, easy things to say, try saying those things first. And maybe like a month in, you'll graduate to more intense, perhaps more sexual sayings during sex.

Yeah. And as part of that micro communication, you can also use panting and moaning and groaning, you know, as a form of communicating your pleasure to your partner. Yes. Because, you know, that signifies that you're enjoying the act and also lets them know they're doing a good job. Right. So it's still providing that pleasure.

communication and that validation piece without you actually having to verbalize things because some people find it challenging to be vocal in bed, right? It might feel awkward or something for them to talk during sex. And so

For people like that, you might rely more on kind of like those nonverbal things like the moaning and groaning. And if you're struggling even with trying to make any noise during sex, like there are some people who have like totally silent sex, like you can't hear a thing, right? You might try first, you know, during masturbation to just vocalize a little bit more, you know, just try...

moaning and groaning while you're touching yourself and see what feels natural and comfortable to you. And you know, it's going to feel a little awkward at first, right? It takes a little bit of practice, but once you get more comfortable with doing that alone, then you can start to bring that into the bedroom, you know, and something else you can do. I think Dr. Jess O'Reilly mentioned this on the show sometime back.

She said, you know, if you're having difficulties with that communication in bed, you can also just kind of like bury your face in a pillow and, you know, kind of moan and groan through there. So, you know, if that feels more comfortable to you, like there's all different kinds of ways that you can ease yourself into having more of that sexual communication during sex.

100% and I love the suggestion of just try moaning when you masturbate and to move it back even further for daily life. Just try moaning when you eat. When you eat a really good bite of food, just try enjoying and vocalizing when something feels pleasurable like eating food.

Yeah. And so, you know, it's funny, there's lots of skills, sexual skills you can practice while you're eating, right? So you can do mindful eating where you're sitting there and you're focusing on the sensation of eating, right? And you're focusing on that.

the feel and texture and taste and smell of the food instead of like in your head thinking about work or something else, right? So that's a way that you can sort of practice that mindfulness skill. And then once you kind of get comfortable with that during eating, then you can also try that mindfulness during masturbation. And then you can also try it during partnered sex. And also, as you said, with eating, that can be another way to practice your little vocalizations. Yeah. Yeah.

You can tell I'm a foodie. I'm a big fan of food. I also love using like food analogies. Are you a loud eater? Do you make a lot of noises while you're eating? Oh, yeah. Both my partner and I, we were so embarrassing. Sounds like you would be fun to visit a restaurant with. Yes. Yes. When you come to LA, let me know. So beyond what we've already discussed, are there any other tips that you want to share on cultivating a hotter and more satisfying sex life?

I think one of my favorite things recently for the last year is movement. When I work, I sit at a desk or I stand at a desk and I'm always stationary.

And when you're stationary for a long time during the day with your job or whatever that you do, it's kind of hard to get into this like sexual groovy body movement to feel sexy, to have sex, to initiate. So I've been doing intentional sexual movement when I'm done from like a work call. So like when we're done with this. Yeah.

I'll then look in the mirror and kind of just move a little bit. Maybe I'll play some Lizzo or, you know, the Beyonce. And then I'll just move my body, my hips, my pelvic area a little bit just to like shake it up. Because I love somatic therapy and somatic practices. But it's just I don't really necessarily have time to always go see a somatic therapist to move with them. So what I do throughout the day is just like having a 30-second dance break.

And that's been really good for my sexual appetite and sexual energy. Well, it makes sense to me. And I think after this show, I'm going to go take a little movement break myself. Yeah, perfect.

Well, thank you so much for this amazing conversation, Dr. Tara. It was a pleasure to have you here. Can you please tell my listeners where they can go to learn more about you and your work? Yes, you can find me at my website. It's lovebite.co. That's L-U-V-B-I-T-E-S dot C-O and all my social media information's on there. Well, thank you again so much for your time. I'll be sure to include links to all of that in the show notes. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for listening. To keep up with new episodes of this podcast, visit my website, sexandpsychology at sexandpsychology.com or subscribe on your favorite platform where I hope you'll take a moment to rate and review the show. If you listen on Apple Podcasts, please consider becoming a Sex and Psychology Premium subscriber to enjoy ad-free listening for just $3.99 a month.

You can also follow me on social media for daily sex research updates. I'm on Blue Sky and X at Justin Laymiller and Instagram at Justin J. Laymiller. Also, be sure to check out my book, Tell Me What You Want. Thanks again for listening. Until next time.