Episode 390: What It’s Like To Go To A Sex Party
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You're listening to the Sex and Psychology Podcast, the sex ed you never got in school and won't get anywhere else. I am your host, Dr. Justin Laymiller. I am a social psychologist and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of the book, Tell Me What You Want, The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. A few years back, there were a ton of media articles going around about how the pandemic killed the sex party scene. Flash forward to today and the media is singing a very different tune.

Sex parties are back with a vengeance. Interest in attending these events is on the rise, especially among young adults. And organizers of these parties are reporting that business is booming, with some people paying hefty sums to travel the world and attend the most famous sex parties. So what is it actually like to attend a sex party? That's what we're going to be talking about in today's show. We're going to explore what the atmosphere is like and the rules and etiquette you need to know if you're going to attend one.

We're also going to discuss the difference between a sex party and an orgy, how consent works in a group sex situation, how to find or get invited to a sex party in the first place, as well as the conversations that you should have with yourself and your partner, if you have one, if you're going to attend one of these events. I am joined once again by Dr. Tara, an Associate Professor of Relational and Sexual Communication at California State University Fullerton.

She is also a sex and relationship coach and host of the podcast Love Bites by Dr. Tara. This is going to be another fascinating episode. Stick around and we're going to jump in right after this short break. Do you ever find yourself dreaming about a career where you get to talk about sex and psychology all day long? What if I told you there's a place that can connect you with world-class experts and has a large thriving community? Sexual Health Alliance does just that.

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Visit sexualhealthalliance.com and start building the sexuality career of your dreams today. And let them know that you heard about Sexual Health Alliance on this podcast. Okay, Dr. Tara, let's talk about sex parties. So I guess a good starting point for this conversation would be, what is a sex party anyway? How would you define it? And how is it similar to or different from an orgy? Or are they the same thing? What do you think? Yeah.

A sex party, aka a play party, is just like a regular party, but you're able to have sex in there. Because you can't just pull up at a club in West Hollywood and start fucking someone. But in a play party or sex party, you can. Of course, it has to be consensual. And at these parties, it's usually verbal, clear verbal consent. Not like just non-verbal consent where...

That's more common perhaps for people in long-term relationships. But yeah, it's an erotic party where people can have sex if they want to.

And it's not the same as orgies. A play party has different aspects within a space. So when you enter, there can be, you know, food, bar, where people just hang out like a regular bar. There can be shows. So it's like you can sit and watch the show. And then there can be rooms with beds where people go in and have sex with each other, two people, three people, or an orgy.

So there's many different aspects than when you participate in an orgy. It's like you're participating in group sex. But if you just attend a sex party, you're just attending these like three different aspects and whatever you want to engage in is your choice.

Yeah. So at a sex party, there may or may not be group sex, right? When people imagine a sex party, I think more often than not, they're picturing an orgy, but that's probably not the reality of what most sex parties are, right? As you mentioned, orgies and sex parties can overlap, but they're two different things.

So, you know, when it comes to a sex party, like I said, I think people often have this very specific image in mind and think of just like a room full of people who are just having a bunch of sex. But for any of my listeners who have never been to a sex party before, can you paint a little bit more of a picture for us in terms of what one of these parties look like in terms of, you know, the atmosphere or environment?

Okay, yeah. So there's many different types of parties and many different price point for tickets. So I'm going to talk about one that's like vetted. So you have to apply, but it's not extremely exclusive. Like...

anyone can apply. So this experience, you first apply and it's through their website. And there's an interview. During the application, you submit your photos and there's an interview just to see what kind of person you are and what are your intentions coming to this party. Because they want to make sure it's not just a bunch of douchey guys trying to come in and pull girls. It's not about that. It's about people being mindful, intentional, exploring.

Then you apply, you get in, you buy a ticket. The day of, you show up. They usually lock your phone outside. Once you lock your phone, you can go in. Some people will come in a coat and lingerie inside. And they'll just take their coat off and be in lingerie. Some people wear clothes.

But safe to say, most people don't wear a lot of clothes. So you go in at the beginning of the night, which usually starts 9 or 10. So if you're like an early bed person, this is not for you. The sex stuff doesn't start until after midnight.

But it's about 9 or 10. You go in. Most people will be wearing lingerie. Guys will be wearing clothes. And you go get a drink. And they usually cut you off too. They don't let you drink a lot. They don't want any people being too drunk. They also discourage the use of any drugs.

So you go get a drink, you may look around at the bar, you usually can strike up a conversation with another couple or another person. And then you just hang out like a regular bar. At this point, a show will start. A show will start in the middle of the house usually. Usually it's like a big house, like in LA, it will be like in the hills, kind of private. And a show will start. And it's usually erotic performers. And the intensity of these shows depends on the party.

If it's a little bit more vanilla, it will be like people kind of doing striptease, wearing beautiful lingerie, dancing, maybe dancing on a silk, like, you know, a kind of like a stripping pole, but much harder apparently. Then maybe dancing on silk and stripping and, you know, beautiful movements. But then there's also really intense one where they are completely naked and they're like full frontal. They open their legs and they like put something in the pussy. Like,

It just depends on what party you're going to, what theme. There are certain themes. If the theme is taboo, it might be more intense shows. But if the theme is slumber party, it might be different. So there's a show. And you usually at this point kind of enjoy the show. You're a little bit loose. You're probably kissing, making out with your partner or whoever you go with.

And you kind of look around to see if another couple or other people are kind of interested in playing together. Then whenever you're comfortable, you venture to the areas where there are a lot of beds.

And you can go look around, right? Don't stand too close. But you can go look around and see what people are doing. Usually there's always people that start early and they get the party started. So usually there's already like a couple or three people or four people having sex on the beds. And you can kind of go stay in the corner with your partner and watch and

At some point, you can also get naked. You'll go to the bathroom, take your lingerie or clothes off and get naked because in the area where people have sex, most people are completely naked. And they just walk around naked. And so you can kind of go sit around like there are couches everywhere, like chairs. You kind of go sit around in that room, feeling it out to see if another couple approaches you or if you want to approach another couple.

In a heterosexual party, the woman approaches. It's weird for the man to approach. So in a heterosexual party, the woman approaches another couple and is like, Hey, I saw you guys from afar. You have such good energy. I was wondering if you're here to play. Because sometimes they're not here to play. They're just here to be together.

And in a lot of LGBTQ parties, it really depends on who is more experienced. People that are more experienced will notice the newbies and they will come and approach and say, "Hey, is this your first time?" And I've witnessed sort of both types of initiations and they can work in different ways.

So yeah, then you engage in sex with others or maybe not. You just have sex with each other. You can do that privately in a bathroom. You can do that publicly in bed and have other people watch. And then at the end of the night, you may grab a glass of champagne, drink some and go home. That's all.

Yeah. So a sex party is like one part socialization. Like there'll be people just kind of like standing around talking, having a drink. Another part, maybe performance art, right? Where you're watching a show or maybe there's a dance floor where people are dancing and listening to music. And then one part sex, which can be anything from you just watching to you participating in sex with somebody who's there to maybe

Maybe if you're with your partner, just having sex with them. So yeah, it's going to look very different depending on the party that you're going to. These parties can run the full spectrum from being mild to wild. You know, some of them might be very kink themed. You know, there are different parties that cater to people who have different sexual proclivities. So yeah, it's hard to...

I guess, paint a picture of like the prototypical sex party, because there's lots of things that are going to vary across different situations and also including whether that takes place inside somebody's home or if it takes place inside of a, you know, formal club setting. Yeah. So parties can vary a lot in terms of what they look like.

So I think a lot of people would assume that if you go to a sex party, it's going to be some kind of sexual free-for-all, right? That everybody's just having sex with everybody. But most parties are going to have the rules pretty clearly spelled out regarding things like consent and boundaries. So just because you go to a sex party doesn't mean that you've automatically consented to having sex with everyone who's there. So tell us a little bit more about how consent works in a group situation like this.

Yes. So it's usually very clear verbal consent. And the etiquette in like heterosexual party, for example, like I said, the etiquette is the woman goes up. And the woman usually goes up to a couple and go like, hey, you know, give them some compliment and then ask if they're here to play with others. And if they say no, you respect that and just said, okay, well, have a great night. And I'm around if you want to chat.

But if they're like, yeah, we're kind of just looking around, then you might invite them to go get a drink. Like, oh, you want to grab a drink with me and my husband? And then start this ritual. Start the dance from there. And consent for...

I think people that go without a partner, like singles, looks different. So when I was single and I would go to these parties, it's like a date. It's like going on a date, a speed dating, if you will. Like I go alone, I grab a drink, I sit on a couch, you know, a guy or a woman will approach and was like, hey, are you here alone? Like, you know, and you just talk very normal things. Like, what do you do for work?

I'm like, okay, do you want a blow job or you want to ask me what I do for work? But, you know, people just approach and women are really friendly in these settings. So when I used to go alone, there will be a woman that's like, hey, babe, are you here alone?

like, yeah, I'm kind of watching, exploring. I just want to know what it's like. And she will go like, okay, you want to meet some of my friends or you want to come meet my partner? And then I'm kind of adopted by whoever the more experienced person is and observe with them. If they want to touch me, they usually ask like, can I touch you? Or can I feel your breasts? Can I kiss you? But

It is always very verbal and direct. Yeah. And it sounds like there's a lot of etiquette that you kind of have to understand. Yeah. You know, there's etiquette around consent and who approaches, but also there are going to be lots of other rules and things about like good behavior in one of these environments. Like for one thing, you don't want to get too drunk or wasted or you don't want to show up high, right?

- No, you get banned. - Yeah, I mean, it's also an environment where you should be generally sober. Like it's okay to have a drink or two, but you don't wanna get like super drunk because that's how people often end up exceeding their boundaries or exceeding somebody else's. So, you know, in the interest of creating a safe environment for everybody, that's why there are usually limits on drugs and other substances, but also, you know, lots of etiquette around cell phones, you know, and lots of parties, you're not allowed to bring it in at all.

Or if you're bringing your phone in, like they'll put stickers on your cameras and things like that. Right. And so just because you're going to a sex party doesn't mean that you have license to like take photos or videos of everything that's going on there.

Except for a porn star sex party. She was like, oh yeah, baby, take content, post, share, tell them about my page. Like I went to a very famous OnlyFans girl's birthday party and it was a sex party. And everyone's cameras were out. I was a little bit uncomfortable because all the parties I've been to, you lock your phones or you put a sticker on the camera, but not this one. It's encouraged that things are being filmed.

So I didn't get naked. Like I wore lingerie that didn't show nipples. Like, and I didn't get naked because it's just not the environment that I was used to. But everyone was filming everywhere. Everyone was fucking. There's, you know, there is a bed in the middle of the house where the birthday girl is on and people can kind of like come in and like have sex with her and then tag out. And then if someone else tags in, I don't know.

It was fascinating. I love it was so liberal and liberating that she really enjoyed it. And she is fully embracing like her body. You know, everyone's watching. There's like probably 200 people. Yeah. Birthday party, sex party with porn stars. Sounds like a fascinating time. It was. It was one of the most memorable things that have ever happened to my life. I'm sure it was.

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So at a sex party, there can sometimes be uncomfortable moments, right? So for example, somebody else might express interest in you, but you're not interested in them.

Likewise, you might approach somebody else, but they're not into you. And for people who have lots of experience with sex parties, they're going to know how to navigate that situation pretty seamlessly. But for people who are new to it, it might be a little bit awkward. So do you have any tips on sort of managing rejection in group situations, including when you need to reject someone else and when somebody else rejects you?

You know, I have a little story to tell for this because a recent party we went to, there was a couple, they're foreigners. I can tell from like the accent and kind of what they wear. They were from Brazil and it was their first time.

And I was very friendly with them, like talking because I was just fascinated by people from abroad, right? Like, what is life like in Brazil? What do you guys do? Like, how did you meet? And so I was very enthusiastic in talking to them. And I think they took that as like, I want to play with them. So the girls asking if I want to play. And I'm like, I mean, we're not here to have penetrative sex with others, but I'd be down if you want to like touch my breasts.

Or like if I touch yours, right? Like, so we started kind of massaging each other. But then the guy, without asking for consent, just joins, like her husband, just joins in, started touching me. My husband was like, whoa, what? Like, that's not what we agreed on. So that was really awkward. And what I did was, no, no, no, not today. I'm only playing with her. So...

I have to assert my boundaries and just tell him. He was a little bit frustrated because he's like, oh, so just the ladies then, huh? Not for me, not for him. Like pointing at my husband and my husband's like, I'm completely fine watching. It was awkward and he didn't like it. And then he was telling her like, oh, let's go get a drink. So we stopped playing and then she left with him. So...

I think more of the story is like, if it's your first time, always do verbal, direct verbal consent. And if you need to say no, you have to stand up for yourself and verbally say like, oh, no, I'm not doing this today. And if they keep coming back to you to ask if you're ready yet, if you're ready yet, because that happened to me when I was single.

There was a guy that kept asking me throughout the night, like, are you ready yet? I'm like, no, bro, I'm not having sex with you. But he was like, he thought I just needed to drink more or something. Then I had to go see the guardian angel. So like every party has these sexy security guards. Sexy security guards. Yeah.

their guardian angels you go tell them like hey this guy has been pestering me for like two hours trying to have me have sex with him and I'm not interested and I literally said no five times so then they will go reprimand the person or even remove them from the party

but for you to receive rejection. Just always know that it's not about you. Sex parties are very stimulating. And if the person you approach has a set of ideas of what they want to do that day, and it doesn't include having sex with others or maybe someone like you, it's not

anything about you. It's not your fault. It's not anything about you. It's their own journey. Same with you. You have your own expectations and journey. So just don't get offended. Yeah, I think that's such an important point that like...

You have to recognize that different people coming into the same party may have very different expectations for how the night's going to go and what they are and aren't comfortable doing. And so just because somebody rejects you or says no, again, don't take it personally. Like they have their own boundaries and just respect them and move on because odds are there will be somebody else there who is interested in you. But yeah, that is an important point too about sometimes people just don't take the hint.

And when somebody is like repeatedly pestering you like that or pressuring you or trying to coerce you into doing something that you don't want to do, like there are those sexy security guards, as you said. You know, also if you're in a kink setting, they're called dungeon monitors. Right. So you've got somebody that you can report boundary violations to. And if you see somebody else's boundaries being violated, you know, you can report that as well.

Yes, yes. Don't be a bystander. Yeah. Like you gotta, if you see something that, and especially like, usually it's a woman being uncomfortable, just go tell the sexist security guard. So I'm guessing that many of my listeners are wondering how they can go to a sex party. Like, where do you even find out about one of these events? How do you get an invitation? Right? So for anybody who might be curious about exploring the sex party scene, but doesn't know where to begin, how do you find a sex party?

So finding a sex party is easy just by Googling them. If you Google like sex clubs near me or sex parties near me or sex positive community near me, something will come up. Unless you, I guess there are places in the world that don't have something like that, right? Yeah, if you live in a pretty rural area, you might not have many sex party clubs.

options around. You might need to travel for those. Like if you live, yeah, if you live on a farm in like Iowa, you might not have a sex party near you. You might have to, you know, take a plane or drive. Like Dallas is a big lifestyle kind of sex positive place. LA, New York, sort of a more like bigger metropolitan cities will be very easy to locate. And

But people always ask, how do I get invited? A lot of them, you don't have to. You can go to the website and click apply and submit the application. Now, sometimes clubs or groups or parties will ask who referred you.

And that's where it's a little tricky if you don't know anybody. So take a step back and just join a sex positive community. So in LA, there's a group called Sex Positive LA, right? One of them. And there's so many, but this is just one example. So if you join them, maybe go to one of those mixers, go to a lunch and just start meeting people that are like-minded or in the lifestyle. And then

go from there, like make friends within this community and then ask like, hey, like I've never been, I really want to go, I want to go explore in an intentional way. What do you recommend? And people in the lifestyle are usually very like open-minded and so willing to help. Because you know, we live in taboo for so long. Like whenever I'm in a very traditional space,

I'm like the most taboo person that is on the table, right? Like that's sitting at the table. But I'm always willing to like help and explain if someone asks me like, oh my God, I heard you go to a sex party. Like, what is that like? How can I go? Like, I'm always willing to help. And I always say like, just use my name as a reference.

So with that being said, my first recommendation would be join a sex positive group. It doesn't have to be near you. If you live in a rural area, it can just be online. Yeah. And I think that's an important point that, you know, it's not as simple as like,

you see a sex party advertised somewhere and you just show up at it, right? Oftentimes there's going to be some like application process to get in. And, you know, it's not necessarily about these parties being super highly exclusive. Well, some of them are, but it's because they want to protect like the safety of the other people who are there. And so letting in outside people who you know nothing about can pose a risk to the safety of all the other members of the group. So that's why they do

the application process to begin with, you know, to make sure that everybody who's coming to these parties is on the same page.

Yeah, totally. And they want to curate energy. So if there's too many men in a heterosexual setting, if there's way too many men as compared to women, that's not a good party, right? It needs to be about 50-50 or usually it's 60-40, like 60% women, 40% men. So the reason why they do applications, like you said, is for safety of everybody and

And then to curate the energy so that it's not too much of one thing. I know that even in lesbian or gay parties that I've been to, they also do that. Like making sure there's kind of equal amount of more masked people, more femme people, so that the energy is good and inclusive. Yeah, absolutely.

So going to a sex party alone is one thing. Going with your partner is something else entirely. So let's say you and your partner are going to go to a sex party. What kinds of conversations should you have before you ever even set foot in the door? What should that advanced negotiation look like? Yeah, I use the green, yellow, and red lights kind of framework.

This conversation starts with first, you both agree you want to go, right? And you're submitting the application and you get accepted. Now what?

talking about, you know, after like, let's say someone watched this episode, right? Or listen to this episode and just go, okay, we're going to start and they apply and they're going to go after they listen to this, they already know a little bit about what it's going to look like and what the etiquettes are. So then they can start talking, okay, what are some of the green light activities that we can do? What are some of the yellow lights, which is like a maybe check with me first. And then what are some red lights? Like, absolutely not tonight.

So it could sound like, you know, for me, green can be talking to strangers. You're allowed to talk to any strangers. You don't have to turn around and ask me, right? You can talk to any stranger that can be green. Maybe for a couple like touching breasts or butt is a green light. Like that's okay, right? But then yellow could be kissing. Like you can't just kiss anybody. Maybe turn around and ask like, is it okay I kiss this person? So that can be yellow is check with me first.

And then red could be like, okay, because it's our first time tonight, no penetrative sex with anybody. And that's red, like no need to negotiate, no need to talk about it the day of or the night of. Like it's a red, it's a no for today. So when you are done kind of listing things out, when you go to a party, you sort of have a framework. Okay, like I'm able to chat with anybody today and it will be fun flirting and talking to people, but we're absolutely not having sex with anybody. Okay.

So that's the conversation you must have before you go. But you would be surprised how many people don't. And it's disastrous. Right.

Yeah, I mean, it's a recipe for trouble going to a sex party with your partner without having talked about it at all first, because you might have a certain set of expectations about how the night's going to go and what you might or might not get into. And your partner might have a totally different set of expectations. And that can quickly turn into a fight or disagreement if, you know, it's not discussed beforehand. Yeah.

And I think, you know, your framework of red light, yellow light, green light is also a useful one for the conversation you should have with yourself if you're going to a sex party alone, right? Because I think we need to check in with ourself about what our own boundaries are before we end up in an environment like that. Because whether you're going alone or with a partner, like it's important to have like some clarity on what the expectations are so that you know what you're getting into and what your firm boundaries and limits are.

Yeah, totally. When I went to my first one ever in my 20s, I did not have that conversation with myself. And I did not have the boundaries. I had no idea what's going to happen. I did not have the resources like today.

you know, no podcast that I could listen to. So I had no idea. I just, I wanted to go because it sounded fun and I was kind of in a rut during that part of my life. So I went, I showed up, I know the guy that's organizing it. So I showed up and I did many things that I was uncomfortable with, but I just thought, you know what? I'm going to go with the flow. So I ended up just doing whatever other people were approaching me to do. And yeah,

Yeah, I would say it was memorable, but I wouldn't say that I'm proud of it or felt the pleasure or felt empowered. And I think if you're going to a sex party for the first time, you might just want to go as an observer, a lurker, a voyeur, right? Just so that you can kind of understand that.

What is the etiquette? How do these situations work? How do people navigate this environment, right? Just because you're going to a sex party doesn't mean that you have to have sex, right? You can also just go and watch and observe, and then maybe that'll inform what you want to do the next time you go to a sex party in the future.

Exactly. Let's talk a little bit about preparing to go to a sex party. So, for example, should you bring your own condoms and lube and kink accessories or are these things typically provided? I mean, what do you pack to go to a sex party? You should douche. Okay.

Depends on whether anal play is on the table. But if you're not wearing lingerie inside, for women, if you're not already wearing it, you would pack lingerie. Because if you're not naked, people don't necessarily wear full clothes. They just wear lingerie. So then you would pack lingerie. Maybe wipes because you get super sweaty. Yeah.

So maybe wipes. And I would say whatever sex toy that you would like to use and will give you pleasure, you can bring condoms if you have particular condoms that you like. But all of these parties provide condoms.

These parties usually provide condoms, dental dams, finger condoms. They offer protection. However, I know many people that are very particular with sort of condoms that they use. So yeah, bring your own. If you're going to a kink party and it depends on what type. Like I went to a bondage party and everyone brought their ropes, right? I did not because I thought I was just going to go watch. But yeah, everybody brought their ropes.

And they got together, they pair up and they like, you know, rope each other. There's also a performer that's being roped in a very beautiful way. So if you're going to something like that, bring accessories that's like matching the party. And what about the lube? We got to bring our own lube or are they going to have plenty for us? They have plenty. But again, like you might be allergic or sensitive for like whatever they offer because they usually offer a pretty generic one.

that you get from CVS. But if you have a special one or a CBD-infused one that you want to use, then go ahead and bring your own. I've never brought Lube before. I have brought toys like vibrators.

And I've brought a little pill to help if my husband gets anxious at the party. Yeah. And I mean, that is a thing that can happen at a sex party is that like the idea of it, like in your head might sound hot and fun and exciting and tantalizing and arousing to go to a sex party. But then you get in that environment and suddenly you're

you feel anxious or inhibited. And if you have a penis, it might not get erect because that anxiety kind of gets in the way. Sometimes people need a little help to kind of get over that anxiety. That's also the reason why some people turn to alcohol and drugs and other substances is precisely because they want to reduce those inhibitions. But you have to be very careful about not going too far with that because then you can be crossing another line. But yeah, that's just something else that's important to keep in mind is that like,

sex party expectation versus reality, you know, in your head, like the fantasy of it might sound great, but it might be very different when you actually show up in person. Exactly. Well, thank you so much for this amazing conversation, Dr. Tara. It was a pleasure to have you here. Can you please tell my listeners where they can go to learn more about you and your work? Yes, you can find me at my website. It's lovebite.co. That's L-U-V-B-I-T-E-S dot C-O and all my social media information's on there.

Well, thank you again so much for your time. I'll be sure to include links to all of that in the show notes. Thank you. Thank you for listening. To keep up with new episodes of this podcast, visit my website, sexandpsychology at sexandpsychology.com or subscribe on your favorite platform where I hope you'll take a moment to rate and review the show. If you listen on Apple podcasts, please consider becoming a sex and psychology premium subscriber to enjoy ad-free listening for just $3.99 a month.

You can also follow me on social media for daily sex research updates. I'm on Blue Sky and X at Justin Laymiller and Instagram at Justin J. Laymiller. Also, be sure to check out my book, Tell Me What You Want. Thanks again for listening. Until next time.