Alex Grendi - The Journey To Real Confidence In The Bedroom
54:06 Share

you

All right, Alex, welcome to the Man Talk Show. How are you doing today? Really good. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, man, this is going to be good. I think this is one of those topics that hopefully doesn't get censored too hard on YouTube, but it is very much needed and required. And we have a really fast growing community of men. It's called the Alliance, and we've got about 700 guys in there from around the world. And this topic comes up all the time.

In fact, in September, our theme was sex and intimacy. And we had Caitlin V come in. She's got a big channel as well on YouTube. And she was teaching sex secrets for men and how to actually pleasure a woman and interact. And so I think a lot of guys got a lot of value out of that. And I think this is going to be one of those good conversations as well because I think when we as men talk about sex, oftentimes it's like the highlight reel. It's like we want to look good. We want to look good.

We want to make sure that the stories that we tell, like we're a fucking champion, we can do no wrong, we're the sex god. That's oftentimes how you hear men talking about sex at the bar or in social situations. It's not to be lewd and crude, but it's like...

your body count, how many notches on the belt, how great you are in the bedroom. And we're not normally talking about some of the challenges that we might be facing. And I think this creates a lot of isolation sexually for men where they're like, the challenges that they're having are hidden. They're not talked about. They're not talking to their buddies about them. They're not getting support on them. And I think that can really brew into some deep challenges. And so-

With that, you know, with that in mind, how do you think that a man's ability to perform sexually impacts how he sees himself as a man and impacts his sense of his own masculinity? What have you seen? I think it impacts everything. And what you just described, the highlight reel is something I did, you know, in high school and in college.

And if I slept with someone and it didn't go well, I didn't get it up or I went too quickly. I was like, I got laid last night and she's so hot and this and that and I'm so cool. And I just completely left out that part where I was horribly embarrassed and ashamed. So yeah, I absolutely think that has an impact on other guys who are like, oh no, I can't talk about this. No one's talking about it.

And to me, in my experience and with so many guys that I work with, our sexuality is really at the root of who we are as men. And when we're not connected to that and we're not connected to our power in the bedroom or our confidence in our ability to experience pleasure with ourselves, we suffer. And oftentimes we don't know that that's the reason, but it's there.

And when you're not confident in your ability to pleasure a woman or your ability to last or get an erection, you're not going to go and approach that woman at the bar if you're single. You're not going to try and initiate sex with your wife or your girlfriend because you're afraid of what's going to happen. So...

For me, I know that this was like the biggest change in my life was going from not having sexual confidence to now, you know, something being my biggest weakness now being my biggest strength.

It changed my entire life. Yeah, I think it's one of those things where, and I'm sure we could have a whole conversation on this, but I do think that there's this kind of your ability to enact conquest as a man, right? This sort of like conquering nature sexually is oftentimes very much correlated to how you're viewed by other men.

And I don't think I've ever talked about this on the podcast. Oh boy, here we go. I'm eight years into the show and there's just a lot of things that I've never talked about. But I remember I was 17. I had a fake ID and I'd gotten into a party and I ended up meeting this woman and we started to date. And I found out within a couple of weeks that she was a stripper.

And, you know, as a 17 year old kid, I didn't really know much about life, but what I started to get was a lot of like really positive attention from my male friends was like, whoa, that's amazing. That's so crazy. You know, cause like I was 17, we couldn't even go to a strip club. It was sort of this, you know, far off elusive thing. And I think at that time I didn't really have a lot going for me. I wasn't good academically, you know, I was sort of like mediocre in sports and

And so what it did was it sort of positioned that a big part of my identity was in my ability to get women and that that made me sort of like useful or I was competent at that.

And, you know, I kind of went down that pathway, you know, pretty hard for a while. And I think that for a lot of us as men, that can be the case, right? Is that we get reinforced for being able to get women and attract women. And there's nothing wrong with that, right? I don't want to say that there's any, there's nothing wrong with that. Like, not shaming anybody. I really enjoyed, you know, dating when I was dating and getting proficient at it and being capable at it. There was something that was good, that was nice.

But I over-indexed on it for sure at a certain period of my life where so much of my value and worth was tied up on my ability to get women and to get women to like me and be attracted to me. And that can be a lot of pressure. And I remember a couple of years later, and I'll tie this into the question I want to ask you, there was a guy that I would go out to the nightclubs with and the bars with and

And I remember him talking about taking Viagra. And he offered it to me one night. And I was like, no, man, I don't want that. Why are you doing this? And he was a couple of years older than me. And he slowly got hooked on having to use Viagra all the time. And this is a guy in his mid-20s to the point where after a year or two, he was talking to me about some of the challenges that he was having because he couldn't stop using it.

And so much of that was a fear of, well, what if I don't perform properly? And what if a woman doesn't enjoy her time with me? And that's going to say something about who I am as a man. And so I think it's very interesting that a lot of our

self-perception of who we are as men is really baked into how we perform sexually. So have you seen that in guys? And how do you work with men where they have so much sexual shame? Where do you even begin? Because I think that's something that a lot of men struggle with.

Yeah, I've experienced that myself. I've experienced that with men that I work with. I think it's everywhere we look in terms of, you know, for the first part where you're talking about sexual competency and what came up for me was, and this is true for me, is like seeking validation from women, you know, really like if I can go out to a bar and have sex with someone and take someone home, that meant I'm worthy.

You know, so that can be a really slippery slope also for guys who use that as their self-worth is like, well, I'm only as good as, you know, the women I can get. Yeah. And your worth and your value is always externalized and it's almost like contingent on somebody else reaffirming it.

You know, it's not actually inside of you. That was one of the things that sort of came crashing down for me was that I had externalized my value and worth so heavily that I didn't really possess much of it. Like I didn't really, I didn't have the ability to reinforce it for myself.

Because I was constantly seeking it outside of myself from women. So I just wanted to add that in because I think that's important for some men. I thank you for saying that because it's definitely true for me. And it was for years, actually, where I would have someone over, I would sleep with them. And as soon as they leave, it wore off. And I was like, okay, well, what about tomorrow? What about the rest of the night? Like, I'm stuck with myself and I don't feel anything anymore. I don't feel accomplished.

So yeah, for sure, that's present in a lot of men. Sorry, and back to what was the second part again? About working with shame around sex and sexuality. Because I think for a lot of men, that shame is hidden. So how do you support a man who maybe...

insecure about his, you know, quote unquote ability or his performance? Like, where do you sort of start on that area? Yeah, I mean, it can come in so many different forms, whether it's from religion and family. The shame is all around us. It's about starting with kind of taking the power back that like pleasure is your birthright on

Understanding that it's okay to be a sexual being and connect to your pleasure and it doesn't have to be just with a partner or a woman or whatever. Another way is to be able to share it in front of other men.

Right. Like that's such a difficult thing for us to even conceptualize. Right. Like we talked about earlier to think of saying like, hey, I have a problem in the bedroom is just like feels like a no, no. And a lot of men that I talk to don't want to. That's like the last thing you want to do, right, is share in front of other men. But I have a group program and that's the only way that I work.

So if that's like your biggest fear is being able to share in front of other men, like that's kind of where I want you to run to. And it doesn't mean you have to come in running through the door with your video on and being like, hey, this is who I am.

But it can be this gradual process of taking ownership. I have this problem. And, you know, another really important thing to come around to is like, and it's my fault, probably, you know, whether it's the way that I'm living, whether it's the content that I'm consuming. Of course, some of those things are just around us and these conditionings are everywhere. But being able to say, hey, I'm

actually, maybe I had a big role in this and that means that I can change it. I think that can be a really empowering place to start too. Yeah, we had, I just got back from facilitating a men's weekend for almost 30 guys from around the world. And one of the things that we normally do at the weekend is have, you know, pair the guys up or put them into little groups and then have them talk about their most, and this is

It doesn't happen every weekend, so there shouldn't be a deterrent for you as a man if you're listening to this. But we pair them up and say, share some of the most embarrassing sexual experiences that you've had to kind of get some of that stuff out into the open. Because again, those are the things that men have oftentimes never talked about. And it's amazing to hear what gets revealed. And I think that that can depressurize

our internal relationship with our own sexual body, our own sexual energy, and really release us from some of that shame that can be stored up. So

Okay, let's get a little bit tactical into things like erectile dysfunction or erectile challenges and premature ejaculation. What do men need to know about these challenges that they can sometimes face? Well, the first thing I want to say is if it's erectile dysfunction because of a performance anxiety that's mostly mental and you're a physically fit guy,

And it's same for premature ejaculation. You know, this is something that's mostly mental. I want you to know that it's 100% treatable and you can fix it. I think one of the biggest things, especially for premature ejaculation, is guys are like, this happened the first time I was sexually active. And it's happened every time since. Like I was just born this way. Nothing's going to change it. And that's like a huge limiting belief that's holding them back.

So the first thing I want to say is that this is something you can 100% fix. And yeah, it's something when you're dealing with erectile dysfunction and that's your biggest fear, it's like you just obsess over it. And it just kind of depends on which one you're focusing on. Okay, I had premature ejaculation once. That's what I'm afraid of the most. I'm not afraid of erectile dysfunction and vice versa.

So it's this thing that we're just so afraid of it happening that we perpetuate it and make it even worse and even worse. So maybe lay out, let's just start with something like erectile dysfunction, then we'll talk about premature ejaculation after. And then maybe we'll talk about non-ejaculation because there are some men, depending on drugs that they're on or medications, or maybe not even that they're on a drug or medication, but they just struggle to ejaculate at all.

which can be its own subset of challenges. Talk to us about erectile dysfunction and some of the causes. What are some of the things, obviously there's medical conditions of, you know, if you have a heart condition, that could be contributing to it, but lay out some of the causalities of erectile dysfunction. Like what are the normal things that contribute to it?

Yeah. Like I'm not a doctor. So if someone's having heart problems and things like that, and they have diabetes, like I'm not the guy to go to for erectile dysfunction. Those guys are normally going to go to a doctor and maybe if they're not making lifestyle changes, take a

a Viagra or a Cialis or whatever. I'm focusing on helping mostly men who this is a mental issue. So the process for that is, and the reason for that is fear-based. It's something that's happened for them, but it's something that they're so worried about and so obsessing over that it just keeps happening and happening. And one of the main causes could be

they had an experience and for whatever reason, one of the main reasons is they're overstressed and overstimulated in their daily life. So if you're stressed all day and your nervous system is fried and then you go immediately into a sexual encounter where you're nervous, then it's one of the, well, oh no, what's going to happen now? Leading up to it, you're afraid and

then it happens. Yeah. I think one of the things that as I've been working with men over the last however many years, like the last decade that I learned along the way is that you need to be in a more parasympathetic dominant state in order to get and maintain an erection, which means that you need to be in a more relaxed state than a stressed state in order to get and maintain an erection. And so it's like one of those simple things where as a guy,

We just think that we should be able to power through anything. You know, it's like, you know, your, your day shouldn't affect you. The shit going on at work and with your finances or your kids, like that stuff shouldn't have an impact on you. But the reality is that if you're super stressed out and you're carrying that into a sexual encounter or experience, you're,

it probably is going to have an impact on you. And so being able to downregulate, being able to calm, being able to sort of downregulate your nervous system, that's the technical term, can be incredibly, incredibly helpful because it's very probable that it's playing a role in on that. So what would you say about, like, do you think that...

man's emotions can cause him to struggle to have an erection because I found that this is a bit of an interesting one and I'd love for you to maybe speak to that. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm so happy you brought it up. This is something that kind of like later in my process, but it ties in. And I've had guys who were struggling with everything. They're doing the whole course and they're following the directions. And it wasn't until they had this huge conversation with their mother that on

unlocked them and freed them and made them drop into that parasympathetic state, which changed everything in their sex life. So it's something that I think men want to separate and be like, wait, I don't need to make like a lifestyle change. This is just a bedroom thing. Like, tell me what I need to do. And I'm like, no, it could be all of these things are tied to it. So absolutely having like an emotional clearing experience can be a game changer.

Yeah, I know I've worked with a couple of men who came to work with me because they started dating somebody or they were early on into a relationship with somebody that they really cared about and really liked, and it just wasn't working for them. Like sexually, they're like, I'm super attracted to her. I really like her. I love spending time with her. Everything's so easy, but I can't seem to get it up or I can't seem to keep it up.

And it's oftentimes one of those things where they had separated sex and emotional intimacy. And then when they find a woman that they want to be sexually intimate and emotionally intimate with together, that can be quite confronting. It can kind of disrupt their whole system because they're used to keeping that part at bay. Does that make sense? Have you seen that? Yeah. Yeah. But I also think it can be that final stage of self-sabotage.

Everything's going right. She's amazing, but I still don't feel good enough for her. So I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up. And the bedroom can be that final place and scapegoat where, oh wait, why is nothing working? It's like, well, you're really afraid to mess it up. And that's okay.

So what does a guy, because I can hear the men listening to this is like, okay, and what do I do? How the fuck do I fix that? Because I think there's a lot of guys that get into that situation where they do find a woman that they're really attracted to and they do really want it to work. And then there's a lot of pressure in on themselves to all of a sudden become this sex god and the expectations on themselves are super high. What can a guy do in that situation when he's pressurized his system that much?

Yeah, they have to do the last thing that they want to do in that situation, which is talk about it with her. You know, be open and say, hey, I care about you so much. And the reason why this isn't working is because I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up.

and to try and create some safety in the bedroom together. And that's something that I know has worked for so many men. And I know how hard that would be and is. So it's not something I take lightly and pretend like, oh, it's so easy, but it's such an important thing to be able to do. And in my experience, in my opinion, most people experience performance anxiety at some point, women especially.

So whether it's their inability to have an orgasm or fear of, you know, what their genitals are going to be perceived as. So men, like you mentioned, we have this kind of like machismo and this expectation like, oh, I'm going to be amazing in bed no matter what. And it doesn't have to be that way. You can say like, hey, I'm nervous about this because I care about you so much. And to me, honestly, that's romantic and sweet to say. It's not like this pathetic thing that you should know. And like, no, no.

Nobody teaches us this stuff. So to be able to be honest and open and vulnerable to me will create more intimacy anyway. And then you can come together and talk about, hey, what is it that you want and need to be able to feel safe and have an amazing sexual experience, right? Maybe the woman, like for me, for example, if a woman is a bit too like grabby or going too fast, it doesn't work for me.

You know, it's something like I like to be teased. I like to go slow. So if I don't say that and someone's just moving too fast, I'm going to get fear. I'm going to have anxiety. I'm probably not going to perform the way that I want to. It's almost like

I make the mistake of reading my YouTube comments often. I have pretty thick skin, and so I sort of take a counter approach because I really want to have... I think in the line of work that you're in and that I'm in, I mean, we do very different things in some ways, but we do similar things in other ways.

there's a big group of men that come to us to work with us. And then there's a large group of men that could probably use this type of work, but that are very resistant. And as you were talking about in the beginning, like, you know, be real with her and open up. I mean, I could just hear the YouTube comments of like, that's so beta, you know, like it's, it's very anti red pill in a way, you know, because a lot of the red pill is very much like get your frame, hold your frame, never be vulnerable.

And I think one of the challenges that I've had with it over the years is that in the sexual department, it's almost like advocating that men turn into this emotionless fuck robot. You know, that like you should never have any, you should never catch feelings in the bedroom. Like that should never happen. And I think.

I think it really robs men of a depth that they're longing for and seeking within a relationship, this depth of expression and sexual exploration. Yeah, but it's funny because I think it really is the thing that a lot of men are afraid of. It's just real transparency.

And I think that the caveat I want to put in though, Alex, is don't you think it requires some discernment? I think that there's some women that in all honesty, that if you did that with, they probably would walk away. They would run for the hills. They're not interested in that or that might shut them off.

Because I think as much as women are telling men right now, I want you to be more vulnerable. I want you to open up. I want to hear what's happening inside of you. The truth and the reality is that some women, they're not looking for that at all.

They're not looking for that, right? They're like, I want the hookup. I just want to have sex. I don't want you to tell me how you're feeling. And so I think that there probably is a certain amount of discernment there. And I know I may be making things a little bit more complicated, but I would love to hear your thoughts on what I'm laying out. No, I think it's really important to say, and a couple of things there. I would say you need to decide, is that the type of partner you would want to be with?

You know, if a woman was cold and was like, hey, I wish you were masculine and didn't tell me that, that's not really the kind of woman that I want to be with. You know, so I wouldn't make that sacrifice personally. You know, I would want someone who would say, wow, thank you so much for sharing that. Like,

I've had that too. And I'm also nervous about us and us having sex. So yeah, let's like work on this together. And I think if, I think men are afraid of the really negative reaction and, and,

My rebuttal is always just that. Like, hey, if you're afraid she's going to scold you for this and then you do and she does, then you need to reassess if this is what you're looking for. Yeah, I appreciate that because I do think that there's a balance and there's just different types of relationships and there's different types of relationships.

sexual connection and there's different types of... If you're looking for a long-term relationship, you really need to decide whether or not you want to have truth and transparency at the forefront of that long-term relationship. If you don't, it's going to be very hard for that long-term relationship to function and last, in my opinion. But if

Yeah, I mean, I think that you have to decide where at and what type of relationship that you're seeking and then being able to almost like expose those parts of yourself, which is incredibly challenging sometimes, but very, very helpful. Okay. Yeah, and I want to speak to just one thing about the comments because I, of course, get those all the time. And I feel for those guys, you know, I understand where they're coming from and that they're just trying to protect themselves. But I would say, yeah,

Because I've been there, to me, it's so weak to pretend like you're okay when your partner just knows, you know, like, oh, you're just pretending to be confident right now. You're actually like in crippling anxiety. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. What are you talking about? You know, that doesn't work. I don't think you can just like power up and fight against that. That's not how pleasure works.

So if you pretend you're not afraid and try to do it anyway, I think that's where so much performance anxiety can stem from. Yeah, I agree. It's almost like the things that you're withholding and hiding that are real sexually are the things that are going to create distance and separation between you and your partner and then also add to that performance anxiety. And I think one last thing on this is I think part of the challenge with

some of that red pill notion, not that it's all bad. I think there's some great stuff in there for men. And I think men sometimes benefit from some of the insight that's in there. But one of the challenges that I have is this notion of like, you have to get your frame and maintain your frame at all times. And you should never do anything that can compromise your frame and how guys normally intuit

that or how they normally receive that is I should never open up about how I'm feeling. And I see this content all the time online from older guys and younger guys of like, never tell a woman how you feel. And that's the death of the relationship. And it's so dramatic. I'm like, my gosh, to be desiring a relationship with a woman where there's just zero emotional connection and intimacy at all.

Yeah, I just, I can't imagine, you know, what's happened that's led you down that path. You know, probably a good amount of betrayal and hurt. But okay, so let's get back on track. I'm going to pull us back on track.

So we've talked about erectile dysfunction, some of the things that contribute to that. What about premature ejaculation? What can contribute to that? And then just like struggling to ejaculate. Let's talk about those two pieces. What contributes to that? Yeah. So first things first, like I put them all under the same umbrella of performance anxiety. So the way to fix them is really the same.

If you're so worried about getting an erection, that's your problem. If you're so worried about coming too early, that's your problem. And if you feel like you have this fear that, oh my God, I'm not going to be able to come. My partner's going to be so upset. She's going to wonder if she's attractive, which I've experienced all three. That's what's going to happen for you. So it's all this fear-based stuff. And so like we said with the first thing,

With erectile dysfunction, the first step would be reducing your stress in your daily life, understanding how to stabilize. And to me, the best way for that is to connect to your breath. So in those moments, in the moments of stress, in real time, being able to identify like, wow, I'm really stressed. I feel my heart rate elevating.

I need to connect to myself. Not let's meditate for 10 minutes in the morning and then not do it. That's super helpful also. But to me, it's about integrating it into your daily life so you can identify it in moments. Like, whoa, I'm nervous. Okay, I did that before a meeting.

I calmed down. I had a much better meeting. Now, the next time you're with a partner, say it's a new partner, you're at dinner, you know it's going great, you're going to go home. Let me connect instead of spiraling into, oh shit, oh shit, what's going to happen when we go home?

I think that's very, very helpful. And I would love for you to maybe, because sometimes we as men are very, very tactical and we want the like, what are the four things that I do type of thing. And so can you lay out for the guys that do struggle with, let's go back to maybe like erectile dysfunction where they're struggling to maybe get an erection or maintain an erection, what can they just tactically start to do that they'll hopefully see some results with?

Let me lay it out quickly. So step one, reduce your stress in your daily life. If you can start your next self-pleasure session or your next interaction with your partner in a nice calm place, that's a great start. But I would like for it to be doing the full process first before you try it next so you can get the full benefits. Step two would be connecting to your breath and body in a new way.

So that looks like being able to change your masturbation habits completely. Instead of hand on genitals, watching something on a screen, we're going to take all of that away. We're going to lay down and connect to our body and breath without touching our genitals, creating a completely new connection to what it means to experience pleasure.

And this is a process that helps you understand how to get out of your head and into your body. And for this one, you don't need an erection. And there's no expectation of an erection. And it would be totally fine if you did, but it wouldn't be normal for you to get an erection. Or maybe normal is not the right term, but it's not expected.

And through that process, you're starting to move your sexual energy and understand that, wow, I can experience pleasure in a completely different way. I can feel arousal. The second step would, and so much of that process, like I said, getting out of your head and into your body is learning how to let go. And pleasure is all about letting go. And if you try to force it and control it and perform, which we often try to do as men, you're

You're just like fighting against the force. So much of your success will come when you stop forcing it and you just surrender to whatever is going to happen and be okay with that.

Step three in that process would be the next evolution of your self-pleasure, which would be an edging practice to incorporate this new ability to breathe and be conscious of your breath during pleasure and while you're stimulating your genitals. So taking yourself close to the point of ejaculation, but not going over the edge. Whether this is for erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, it's the same thing.

We're learning how to control arousal and understand our body so well that we know what's too much, what's too little. What if I get close to the edge and then take too many breaths to calm down? Well, then maybe I'm going to lose my erection. So understanding what that means for you individually is going to help you build the confidence of, oh, I know exactly what I want and need

to feel this or to lower my arousal or increase my arousal. So that is step three. And then step four would be that final frontier of any sort of emotional releases, whether they're still, hey, I've done everything, but I still have so much shame around this.

It would be like, well, did you have that conversation yet? You know, the one you've been putting off for two months and that can kind of be that final thing where it's like, okay, I had the conversation. Now everything's working. Now I feel confident. Now I can be myself and I don't have the issue.

I think one of the things I want to just go a little bit deeper in on here is, one, I know that those practices work. So we'll just put that there. Two, I want to talk a little bit more about the breath and why it's so important for a man's connection to his own sexual expression and sexual body, being able to get and maintain an erection, being able to last longer in bed. I want to talk about the breath. But I want to touch in on something that I think prevents men, which is...

The oftentimes embarrassing notion that they should have to do anything in the first place in order to, however we want to call it, be more functional, last longer, have a better relationship to their own sexual body, however you want to frame that. Can you just speak to the embarrassment? Because I think for a lot of guys, they approach this subject...

But then there's a massive amount of resistance towards doing what it takes in order to actually improve because it can deal with a lot of shame of like, oh, I'm broken. Oh, there's something wrong with me or I feel so embarrassing. I think even the term self-pleasure practice, I think for a lot of guys is like,

oh, just, it's like a natural, like, oh, like, you know, because we, I think we, as men, when we talk about things like masturbation, it's, it's in this very harsh and crude way. I mean, I grew up in like the Texas of Canada. And so if you were to even reference masturbation, it was jerking off, right? It's like, that's what it's like self-pleasure. If you said that on the construction site, everyone would stop and look at you and be like, what the fuck is that?

So I think for a lot of guys, there's this embarrassment around having any type of connection to self-pleasure. And so...

I would love to get your insight on like, how do you work with men who maybe have a lot of resistance around that or embarrassment around this type of practice? Is there a way that they can frame it differently? And really, I think I'm going to ask the question that every guy is going to ask, which is like, is there any way around that? Yeah. It's a great question. And yeah, like,

I think a lot of it stems from such unrealistic expectations of what our penises are supposed to be able to do. Right? It's like, wait, I'm not hard for 20 minutes straight or an hour straight and be able to like go nonstop. Something's wrong with me. And then I have Shane and it's like, Hey, it would be normal to lose your erection a little bit in like a long lovemaking session. That

That's okay. You need to restart. You need to switch things up. That's totally fine. But if after five minutes, a guy is starting to lose his direction and then he spirals out of control into thinking, oh my God, something's wrong with me. Something's wrong with me. And then it just completely, you know, ruins the experience for them. It's because they're just unrealistic expectations. It could be the case where you're getting something that doesn't really feel good for you, you

you know, and it could be as simple as like, hey, can we restart and change positions? That one, you know, this one will feel better. But there's so much shame that it's not even possible that it's just like, okay, once it's down, it's down and I'm screwed. But yeah, to speak to this point of kind of the homophobia of what it means to like touch yourself and be in pleasure and express your pleasure, like,

You know, there's this kind of feeling like, what are you gay? Like what? You're going to touch your body like that? You're going to call it self-pleasure? Which is just this like conditioning, but a fear and judgment of ourselves. Like, hey, I'm a man. I don't moan. I don't, that's something women do. It's just not true.

You know, like you need to be able to break down that barrier. And I think for men, it is like a whoa. You know, they're like, wait, I have to do what? You know, that's an edge.

And it's like, good, let's go there and let's really take our time and see what does it mean? Again, I start really slow. So it would be, you know, week two and you're not touching your genitals and doing this. You're just touching your body and connecting to your breath and starting to make noise. What does it bring up for you? Brings up a lot of shame. You know, it brings up a lot of fear. It brings up this judgment of like, what the hell am I doing? Would a woman even want this?

you know? So to me, that's like the most normal resistance and so expected. And it's exactly what I experienced. But it is about putting in the time and being consistent with it and being able to kind of stand up to yourself and be like, hey, this is okay. This is my body. I'm alone in my room. Why am I not allowed to do this? You know?

And I am very patient with men. Sometimes a practice like that, it takes, instead of it being one week, they need to spend three, four weeks just there because for two weeks they've been setting it up and being like, I don't want to do this. I just don't want to.

Yeah. And I think, I think just to add in another layer, I think porn has really screwed up our relationships to our own sexual bodies as men, you know, like the expectations that you should come like a lawn sprinkler and last for, you know, for hours on end. And,

And it just really sets unrealistic expectations that I find that we as men are oftentimes comparing ourselves to. It's like, I should be able to last like that porn star and orgasm like that porn star and make a woman feel like he did and completely missing the point that she's acting. It's entertainment. They're performers, right? It's not

Unless you're watching a real couple that's engaged in actual sexual intimacy, it's entertainment. So I think that porn has really altered the self-expectations of men that were already pretty high. And then I think for a lot of guys, one of the challenges that I've noticed for a lot of men that watch a lot of porn, because I created this program called How to Quit Porn last year, and a

A lot of men have gone through it and really loved it. And one of the comments that I got from a lot of guys was, I don't know how to masturbate without porn. And so for a lot of men, they don't even know what it's like to masturbate without this really visually stimulating or just stimulating in general porn.

tool that they're so used to having. And so this practice can be really wonderful that you're talking about because what happens is that you begin to re-acclimate or reconnect with your body and your sexual energy in a way that's removed from pornography. And I think the real challenge is for a lot of guys that they just don't even know what that feels like anymore. They're not really too sure

I remember working with one client and he was like, it took him probably a month of trying to masturbate without pornography in order to regain any type of erection, any type of sensation without the help of pornography.

And that brought its own, you know, bag of shame and embarrassment and, you know, self-loathing along with it. And so I think there's a lot of layers to what you're talking about, which are super, super helpful. And I'm, you know, I'm trying to do my best at being lewd and crude, which some of us are and riding the line of, you know, pushing back in some areas. But I really do agree with what you're saying.

When it comes to premature ejaculation, which a lot of men struggle with, is that process that you laid out, is it a very similar process for premature ejaculation and dealing with that? Or are there other sort of pieces that you would want to add in and want men to know? Yeah, it's the exact same. And honestly, like so much of this is, again, getting out of our heads and getting into our bodies. So being able to connect to the sensations that we're feeling instead of what we're trying to control internally.

in our brains. And it's the exact same process. What about the breath? Because again, I want to get a little bit more tactical because I think guys, I teach a lot of breath work for sex, for intimacy, for just regular de-stressing of the daily life.

How do you recommend that a man begins to breathe as he's going through his own self-pleasure practice? How can you begin to breathe when he's connecting in an intimate way with his partner? Maybe talk a little bit about the function of the breath and then the tactical what should you do. Yeah.

I mean, if you're setting up for a self-pleasure session, and I use the term self-pleasure because so it's not jerking off and masturbation. It's something else, right? You're not just like jerking off is like, this is, I'm on a mission. I need to not, I need to get off. I got to feel better. Whereas what you're talking about is a very different intention. Jerk off is like, I had a long day at work. I need to de-stress, you know?

And this is like an intentional practice for me to be able to connect to myself and enjoy myself and explore my pleasure. And yeah, so it starts really slow, right? And it's just like getting into your breath, into your body with an inhale through the nose and a light sigh exhale through the mouth. So like really gentle to start. Nothing needs to happen. Just, oh.

And it can be like that for the next five minutes and you start to explore your body in different ways and touch yourself in different ways. But what you can begin to do is increase that breath.

So start to get into it a little bit. Ooh, that felt good when I touched this part of my body. So I start to move a little bit faster. Instead of this gentle sigh, I'm building up to something. If I want to increase my arousal and move closer towards ejaculation, I can increase my breath. I can make it more rapid.

If I want to slow down, I'll maybe elongate that exhale and add more sound. And that will slow me down. That will signal to my brain, hey, it's okay to relax. So these are the tools you get to have and learn within yourself. Okay, when I breathe a certain way,

I know I'm good. I'm safe. I can slow down. If I want to speed it up, and if you're someone who has late ejaculation, now you have a tool of, okay, I can speed up my breath and I can signal to my brain, hey, we're getting closer to ejaculation.

So faster breath generally is going to push you towards sympathetic, which is going to signal to the brain and the body to climax. Exactly. Slower breath is going to slow you down, calm the body, and move you away from the intense sensations. Roughly accurate? Exactly right. And we need both. The problem is with PE or ED when you're having this huge stress response is you're starting in sympathetic.

You know, you're so stressed right away. And that will either lead to I can't get an erection or I come too quickly where we need to start parasympathetic. And then if we do want to have an ejaculation, it will eventually go to sympathetic.

Anything else you want men to know about how to use their breath? Because I think, again, I'm putting myself into the thoughts of just like a dude, just like if I was listening to this a decade ago and I was just entering into personal development work or men's work and I'd be hearing this and I'd be like, okay, but

what do I do during sex? Like, should I just breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth? Or should I breathe into my pelvic floor, into my belly? Should do like, how fast should it go? Like we really, and this is part of the challenge is that it can be another thing that I find that men latch onto that. They're like, am I breathing right during sex?

And so I'd just love for you to speak to that and how men can begin to just slowly integrate this into their sexual connection with their partner because it's so vital, so important. Yeah, and I'm glad you said that because I didn't even mention breathing into your pelvic floor or lifting your PC muscle because it's not necessary. It can be helpful, but it's definitely not needed for you to move your sexual energy. I was also that person when...

where I mean, I was like completely mute in the bedroom forever. I wasn't expressive at all.

So I understand that fear of like, wait a minute, now I'm going to start breathing like this. Like my partner is going to think I'm crazy. But once you establish it with yourself and you understand and you, you break free of any shame you have or, you know, judgment you have of yourself breathing in a certain way and you feel the energy moving, you feel the difference it has on your pleasure. For me and so many men, it all of a sudden you don't care.

You know, it's like, wait, this is what feels good for me. So coming from an empowered place of like, this is how I experience the most pleasure possible. So of course I want to share that with my partner. And I think something that men hear me say in the beginning and then don't believe it until it actually happens for them is that you expressing in your pleasure is going to end up being your partner's biggest turn on. Women love

get so much pleasure out of knowing you are in pleasure because of them, you know? So I try to flip it and say, listen, if your partner was screaming in pleasure and she couldn't, she was waking up the neighbors, would you tell her to stop? Like, no way. That's like every man's dream. So do that for your partner. Let her know that what she's doing feels amazing for you. And

what we find and what I find in so many of my clients is like it unlocks another level of intimacy and sexuality when your partner knows you're in pleasure, then they're more into it and then they go even more and then they get licensed to express their pleasure more. So to me, it's an opportunity to be a leader in the bedroom. Well, my wife never makes noise. I never make noise. Okay, well, let's change that.

Let's make it okay to express pleasure in the bedroom. And it was like just the other day, someone posted how this was the single most important thing in his relationship sexually is now his wife feels more comfortable expressing and connecting to her breath. Like the level of pleasure that she's feeling now and the safety and the comfort, and he's guiding her through that process with his own breath. Like, no, breathe. It's okay. Shh.

And now she's all of a sudden dropping into her body. She's not in her head anymore. She's opening more. So I think it's by far one of the most important things you can do. And it will have a chain reaction, especially not only for your own pleasure, but it can for your partners as well. Beauty. Well, let's maybe wrap up our conversation with a very important question that

that maybe the ladies have been waiting for, which is how can a woman support a man who is struggling with erectile dysfunction or some type of challenge with ejaculation, whether it's premature or very delayed ejaculation?

Because that's a lot of the questions that I get from women is, you know, my husband, my boyfriend, he's struggling with this. He won't talk about it. He won't bring it up in therapy. How do I support him? Because he seems to shut down. Like as soon as anything goes wrong, he shuts down or he gets angry, pulls away. So for the women that are listening to this conversation, how can they support a partner that's dealing with this type of stuff? Yeah, I'm so happy you asked that. And it is a really complicated thing. And for any women who are dealing with that,

I'm really sorry. And it's also important for you to get what you want and need in the bedroom. So this is a really important topic to discuss. And with a man who's completely shut down and after it happens, kind of rolls over, pretends like nothing happens. I can't imagine how frustrating that would be for a woman. But something that you can do is

remove this conversation from the bedroom, make it something that you do outside of the bedroom, at a coffee shop, when you're taking a walk, at a time where, you know, you guys are both happy and feeling good. And it can be, in my opinion, the best way to approach it is to share about your own experience. So if you can share about

how you want to have a better sex life for you because sometimes you're in your head and you're not experiencing the orgasms that you want to and you have a lot of you're self-conscious about your body. If you're able to express about your own experiences with performance anxiety, it can really disarm a man to be like, wait, I'm not the only one who experiences this, you know, because I think...

men when they're in that shutdown, it's because they feel so isolated. Well, all of my friends, no one tells me that they have this. I'm the only one in the world who can't satisfy his partner. So being able to let them know that they're not alone and having performance anxiety can really open the door to have this conversation and have it be something that they can potentially talk about and then work on together.

Awesome. Love that. Love that. That's good insight. Because I think for a lot of women, it's like, what do I do? And so I think for some women, it gets personalized. Like, am I doing something wrong? Especially if it's not being talked about and she doesn't really know what's going on with him. And I think this is why it's important for guys that are dealing with this to be as transparent as you can.

Because what can happen is it can create more tension where your partner's like, oh, I'm doing something wrong or what's wrong with me or maybe he's not happy with me. It can create a different layer of challenge that isn't necessarily true. So, all right. Well, this has been very informative and a lot of fun. What would you like to leave people with? Anything that we didn't touch on or cover? And then where can people find you and learn more about your work? Yeah. So...

I said this before, but I want to say it again. If you're experiencing any performance anxiety, I just want you to know that this is not something you have to live with forever. You're not broken. This is something that you can 100% fix.

So that's really important. The other thing is, in my opinion, most people are really not informed about sex. Most people don't know what they're doing. So sex is a learned skill and you can 100% become amazing at sex if you want to try and learn. So all of the information is out there. And if you find someone who resonates with you, then you can find free information on YouTube.

or you can do a course with someone. And if you are interested in learning more about my work, I have a YouTube channel. It's just my name, Alex Grundy. And if you are interested in learning more about my work, you can visit alexgrundy.com. Awesome.

Awesome. We'll have the links to all of that in the show notes. And for everybody that's out there, just reinforcing, this might be an episode you want to man it forward to a friend. Have that awkward text like, here you go, bud. I know you need this conversation.

Listen to it with a partner and dive in and open up the conversation, right? Open up the conversation. Have the uncomfortable conversations with the other men in your life. Don't just share the highlight reels. Those are out there if you want to celebrate, you know, some sexual interaction with your wife or girlfriend or your partner, like by all means, please do it. We, you know, we all love that, but definitely share the stuff that's more challenging.

And just change the narrative, right? Change the narrative that it's not okay for you as a man to talk about these things and you got to sort of struggle with them in silence. And if you don't feel comfortable doing that with your friend group, you can check out the Man Talks Alliance. It sounds like Alex has a group as well that you can check out to have these deeper conversations and actually get some support as you work through them. So as always, we'll have the links to Alex's site in the show notes. And until next week, this is Conor Beaton signing off.

you