Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
All right, gentlemen, welcome back to the Man Talk Show. Today, we're going to be talking about why some of you are failing with women and the plague of modern expectations. One of the things that's very challenging in modern relationships is that they are hyper-centered around a woman's expectations and needs.
And for a lot of men, they show up in the relationship with the thing, the sentiment that they've heard for generations, right? Which is happy wife, happy life. The notion of you might maybe get your needs met on the other side of making your wife, your girlfriend, your woman happy.
And so a lot of men take this seriously. A lot of men directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally, they operate in the relationship as if the central focus of their existence is to make their woman happy, to get their girlfriend whatever they want, to provide for them however they want, to make sure that every single thing that she needs is
is met and they defocus or they stop focusing on what they actually want and need as a man within the context of the relationship.
and this is plaguing a lot of relationships in our modern times i see this a lot with men where they're living off of scraps right they're living off of scraps in their marriage in their relationship and they're not getting their needs met their their expectations aren't being fulfilled they have maybe they haven't spoken those things maybe they're trying to strong-arm their way into getting what they want or need to unfold in the relationship
But there's a simple truth, which is that a woman who is deeply attracted to you and a woman who really, really wants to be with you will naturally and organically lean into not only meeting your needs, but discovering and prioritizing what your expectations are. So I'm going to talk to you about the three things that I would encourage you to look at in terms of what I've seen so many men are doing that are contributing to failing relationships
specifically around dissatisfaction because I talk to so many men who are unbelievably dissatisfied within their relationships. And the big challenge is that we have a culture right now within our society that says if a woman is dissatisfied in a relationship, it's the man's fault and she has every right to
to be unhappy and dissatisfied. But if the man is dissatisfied, there's something wrong with him. He needs to change his expectations. It can't possibly be about her that he really needs to shift and alter what he expects in the relationship, whether it's about her contribution, how she shows up, her
you know, emotional care, her emotional intelligence, the quality or the quantity of sexual connection that happens, all of those types of things, right? If a woman says, I want something in a relationship, it is the expectation that a man should learn how to fulfill that in the relationship. But if a man says, I want something in the relationship, and I'll just give you an example. If a woman says, I want to feel deeply emotionally connected,
and I expect my man to connect to me emotionally, understand me emotionally, prioritize me emotionally, that is a completely okay and a completely expected thing for a man to do. However, if a man says, I want to be known sexually, I want to be fulfilled sexually within my relationship, I want the woman that I'm with to prioritize sex in the relationship, he's a misogynist, he's all types of things.
Now, I know that's maybe an extreme example, and there's a lot of complex layers in there. I'm not negating that. I'm not saying that that's not true. But in general, that is the sentiment that is approached in relationship. And I see this all the time. I see it in couples therapy. I see it in couples work. I see it in the men that I talk to.
where their needs, their expectations, their wants, their desires are something that they either feel like they can't bring into the relationship or there are a thousand miles and a thousand hoops that they think they have to walk through in order for those needs and expectations to be met. And sometimes that's communicated by the woman that they're with who's saying, all of these things have to unfold before I'm even going to engage with your expectation or before I'm even going to consider your need.
So let's talk about three things. Number one is stop overfunding the account in an effort to get something in return. What a lot of you guys do, a lot of men in general do, maybe you don't do this specifically, but what a lot of men do is they give and they give and they give and they give and they overfund the emotional bank account, the relational bank account,
They buy things for their woman. They take them out on these elaborate dates. They make sure that everything is sort of like done, whatever it is, around the house or taken care of for that woman. They jump through hoops in order to try and get some attention
some reciprocation of love and affection in return. And this sets up a very imbalanced perspective within the relationship that you are going to live off of crumbs, that you're going to live off of scraps that are thrown to you. And
A lot of this, and this isn't to say you're at fault for this, guys, because women have their part in this, but a lot of men contribute to this by constantly and consistently expecting that their needs are not equal, that your expectations are
of how she operates in the relationship, how she shows up, what she contributes, how she prioritizes you, your expectations, your needs, your desires in the relationship, those are all secondary to meeting her needs and her wants and her desires. And the reality is that
This is not how it sort of naturally works within a dynamic. When you see a relationship that's thriving really well, both people's expectations are being prioritized. And the woman is freely meeting that man's needs and expectations and desires. It's not a battle. It's not a power struggle. Now, of course, I'm not saying don't give love and attention to the woman that you're with. I'm not saying...
don't give to her, provide for her, protect her, don't contribute to her. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is stop making your expectations and desires such a secondary thing and running through all these hoops in an effort to hopefully one day down the road, maybe get some of what you are looking for in the relationship mapped.
The second thing, and this is one of the main things that, again, I think contributes to this, and I couldn't think of a better way to say this, so here's what it is. You might like it or not like it. Be her best friend.
option, but don't dunk on her with it. Be her best option, but don't stuff it in her face. So women want to know, I made the right choice. I'm with one of the best men that I could possibly be with. I chose the man who has the status, who is doing the work, who understands himself, who's emotionally... I have the man that has
the qualities that so many women would love to be with. That is a huge part of what women are looking for in a man. They want to know, one, I made the right decision, I'm with the right man, and two, I'm with the best version of this man, and that he is, three, my best option.
And for a lot of men, they flip this around and get this encoded incorrectly in their head. And it becomes this perspective of, I have to do this for her. I have to be good for her. I have to be a good boy. I have to cooperate. I have to have emotional connection and conversations and I have to behave myself and
I have to do things around the house. I have to do all these things in order to make her happy, in order to appease her, in order to make sure that she sees that I'm a good fit versus I'm going to be the best version of myself for me.
And she will either choose that and recognize that it's the best option for her or not. And that's pretty much it. But one of the main things that ends up happening, and I see this a lot with men, is that they are either trying to prove that you're her best option or you're smashing it in her face. And you're like, you couldn't do any better than me. And I'm the best choice for you. All of that is going to be a massive turnoff.
What's not going to be a turnoff and what's actually going to start to draw her in, and I've talked with a couple men about this in my private work with guys, which is that the real archetype of the king, the real embodied healthy archetype of the king is not somebody that conquers. It's not somebody that's tyrannical and takes over. It's not somebody that dominates.
It's actually the real genuine archetype of the king is somebody that draws into them. They draw things into them. Women come to them. Opportunities come to them. You know, men come to them for relationship, for friendship, for opportunities. All those things are drawn into them. And a good example of this is Aragon in Lord of the Rings.
He's not trying to be the king. He's not trying to wear the crown. He's not trying to be this epic leader. It's simply that because of his character and the sort of inner focus on himself and who he wants to be in the world, his values, his virtues, his ethics, his morals, the more that he is able to
reign himself in and focus on those elements of himself and his life, the more that things, people, opportunities, women are drawn to him because they can feel it. And in that way,
That is the path of being her best option. It doesn't mean that you have to have the most money or the most status, the most opportunity or anything like that. It's simply that you are so comfortably sat within the seat of yourself and moving towards the, however you want to say it, the most sort of aligned version of yourself, the most authentic, truthful version of yourself.
and that you develop a kind of rigorous sense of respect for yourself how you operate not for her not for the relationship but simply because those are the core tenants that you hold as a man that will naturally cause a gravitational pull from women because they know how hard that is there's something ingrained in them that they know that that's challenging
The last thing, number three, is begin to center and reprioritize your needs and expectations. Either she cares about meeting your needs and expectations without forcing you to jump through endless hoops before she gives you a scrap of attention and love and care and whatever, or
or she doesn't and she's not going to. And that's just the dynamic that has either unfolded between the two of you because potentially you have had a bad picking mechanism and this is true for a lot of men. The reality for a lot of men is that they don't feel confident in their ability to choose the right woman or they're
For a lot of guys, they do not feel valuable. They don't feel like they have what it takes. They don't feel attractive. Or maybe you're not. Maybe you're just not a hyper attractive, buff, in great shape, rich, et cetera, et cetera guy. So for a lot of those types of experiences, what happens is for a lot of men, they don't center their expectations or their needs.
And they begin to operate straight out the gates in the relationship. And this sets up a brutal dynamic in the relationship. They begin to operate and start the relationship off by de-centering their needs, by actually rejecting. You reject your own needs. You reject your own expectations. You don't bring them into the relationship. You never hold the woman that you're with to a standard of relating that matters to you.
And so what ends up happening is that you are constantly in response to her expectations of what the relationship should look like. Or you're responding to and reacting to her expectations of how you should operate, of how you should behave, of how you should whatever it is, speak, dress, the decisions you should make, the whole thing.
And this builds up a tremendous amount of resentment. So as best as you can, begin to center your needs and your expectations, again, without hostility,
without threats, without demanding. And this is where a lot of men kind of go astray is that because they have de-centered their needs and expectations for so long in relationships with women, when they start to do it, it can feel like they have to battle for it. It can feel like you have to fight for it. And you do have to fight in a sense, but you don't have to fight in the sense that you have to demand, give ultimatums,
threaten, become hostile. That is not the way to center your expectations of the relationship. The way to center your expectations and the way to center your needs in a relationship is a calm, matter-of-fact, caring, and firm approach. This matters to me. Here's what I expect in our relationship. I expect that when we get into conflict that
that we don't call each other names. That's an expectation that I have. Or I expect that when we get into an argument that you don't immediately move towards threatening to divorce me and storm out of the house. That's just an expectation that I hold.
And that's very, very important to me. Now, ideally, you are starting a relationship from this place because that sets the tone for you having equal expectations, contributing equal expectations, and you contributing equal needs into the relationship. And it will become very apparent quite quickly whether that woman is interested or
in actually prioritizing your needs, whether she has the capacity and the willingness to prioritize and center your expectations along with hers, or she doesn't.
and she's not interested in that. And what she's maybe used to, because this is what happens in a lot of relationships, is she's used to her expectations, her needs being pedestaled, being met all the time, and that the man is in the wrong constantly. So begin to prioritize those needs and expectations out the gate.
And if you're in a long-term relationship and you've been there for a long time and you're just starting to do this, do this slowly. Just bring in one need, one expectation at a time and work on it and say, hey, you know what? I have an expectation. There's something that I would like to bring in. I expect that we go on a date once a week. Are you open to that? Are you interested in doing that with me? I expect that we have more calm conversations or more calm conflict.
And my expectation is that you don't call me X, Y, and Z when we get into an argument. Are you willing to meet that? Are you willing to meet me there?
So in this way, you're testing the waters, but also starting to assert, "Hey, I have expectations as well in this relationship. I have needs as well. I have wants, I have desires. I am not some needless, wantless man that doesn't bring himself into this relationship." And in this way, you are creating some structure relationally that she can then lean on, that she can then trust. So leave your thoughts in the comments below, whether you are on Spotify or YouTube,
Until next week, Conor Beaton signing off.