Bad Childhoods Make Mothering a Challenge
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Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Susan, welcome to the program. Yes, hello. Thank you, Dr. Law, for taking my call. You're welcome. My question is, should I go to therapy again at the request of my husband? What happened to the first time? What happened to the first time?

Well, I thought I was doing okay. What happened is there's something I did not disclose to my husband. He actually...

I came from a mother who was very bipolar. She was bipolar. And she had bipolar disorder with thyroid nervous. And so she had a lot of really horrible behaviors toward me. And part of her behaviors were sexual. Like when I was about the age of 16, I was bending over at the sink washing my hair. And my mother stood behind me and started like rolling her pelvis into my bottom in a sexual manner. She would do stuff like that.

And she was hypersexual at times. So I did go to counseling at the age of 29 before we got married to deal with some of the experience I had with her. And like my husband said, he was asking me, you know, why don't you hug the children more? And so I thought about it and I told him, I never shared incidents like that. I guess I was just ashamed of it. I just never brought it up.

to anyone outside of the counselor. I'm embarrassed that I went through that. But my mother died in 2018, so I kind of just wanted to let it go with her. But I told my husband, I don't initiate a lot of hugs. I said, that's just not me because I had so much inappropriate touch. But I will give hugs. But I can't say I'm just over

over i'm not i'm not a real person but if someone gives me a hug i will receive it now i hug my children at least twice a week without even thinking about it but will i do it like every day no like the way he used to like with his family members no i don't think that will ever be me but um i think i'm loving enough and frankly for you know from compared to the counseling i did get but he wants me to be um

even more open to touch with my children. And I'm kind of content with what I do. And I even asked my daughter, you know, how to, you know, rate me as a parent. How do you think you get your needs? And she said, yes. But my daughter is very huggy-feely. She'll just take the hug. She doesn't worry about whether I want her or not, and I'm okay with it. So, you know, I don't know. Do you think that this is what I'm seeing as a problem? Okay, sweetheart, slow down.

You did a great job of presenting the whole picture. You did a great job. That's first. Second, you need to tell your husband, if you wanted me to be like your family, you should have married your sister or your cousin. He has to get off your back. Okay? That's the first thing. You should have married your sister or your cousin. I'm not ever going to be turned into them. You have to put him in his place in a sweet way.

Okay? Okay. Now let's get down to the important part. Are you driving? No. No, I'm not. Good. Okay. Sit down. Are you sitting? Yes. Good. I want you to close your eyes. Tell me when you get a little bit relaxed because I know you're nervous. I'm relaxed. Okay, good. Now, I want you to imagine going up to one of your kids, not feeling comfortable about hugging, but doing it anyway. Tell me when you're hugging. Okay.

Okay, we're hugging. Okay. Now, you don't really want to right now, but you're doing it anyway, okay? Yeah. Okay. I want you to tell me, do you feel more like a victim or a perpetrator? Oh, my gosh. Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts. I read somewhere that the average American spends 13 hours a year waiting in pharmacies for prescriptions. Clearly, I am above average.

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yes and it's worse with my daughter than with my son definitely right because what you're doing is wondering every day if you are your mother yeah absolutely right listen to me carefully because this is going to sound a little gross all right so don't freak out on me just hang in there sometimes when your mother touched you it felt good for that you spend the rest of your time in disgust and guilt therefore when you go to hug your kid you're wondering about that interaction

and whether she's taking it just as a mommy or essentially. Oh goodness. Yeah. I am here to reassure you that she takes it only motherly. So please accept what I'm saying. You're not your mother. You can never be. You're a decent, loving woman. It's normal for you to be afraid of the interaction between you and your daughter because you went through that. And some of it

Felt good. I mean, if a feather goes across your breast, that could excite you. And it's a freaking feather because there are nerve endings. So you don't need to turn it into, I'm a psycho over feathers. That's just how the body works. So some of it was the closeness to your mother. Some of it was just neurologically, it felt good. And then the disgust and the self-hatred comes in. So I thoroughly understand, and I hope you do now,

Why you're confused with this because you don't want to feel like either the perp or the victim with your daughter. Yes, I understand. I can guarantee you she's not feeling like a victim. You, on the other hand, are confused. And 100% of that confusion may never go away. But it could get down to 50, 40, maybe even 30% the more you practice it.

The more you practice, and they can make these hugs pretty quick, come behind her, squeeze, I love you, and you walk off. They don't have to be long, lingering. Just a good hug, like you walk up to a pet and you take your hand and go on their heads and you go, good dog, and you walk away. Okay. So I'd like you to do that.

And you can tell your husband the two things. One, if he wants you to be exactly like his family, he should have married his sister or his cousin. Please don't forget to say that. And number two, tell him you spoke to a psychotherapist and you have a notion as to what's going on and what you can do. But you will never be his sister or his cousin. So bug off. Okay, that's good.

Okay, I appreciate this so very much. I definitely see it differently now. Thank you. Good. And I mean this. Call me back. You explained the situation beautifully, which helped me give you what I believe you needed to hear. Thank you. Thank you. All right. I'll call back. You do it. You better. I'll be heartbroken. Okay, sweetie. You're doing fine.

You're not nuts. You're okay. All right? Okay. All right. Thank you. All right. You're welcome. Bye-bye.

My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me to. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com slash drlaura and instagram.com slash drlauraprogram.

Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts. I read somewhere that the average American spends 13 hours a year waiting in pharmacies for prescriptions. Clearly, I am above average. I thought being above average would feel better. Maybe I'll read some greeting cards. Next time use Amazon Pharmacy. We deliver. And here's to being anything but average. Amazon Pharmacy. Healthcare just got less painful.