Bitching Never Makes Anything Better
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Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Mel, welcome to the program.

Thank you for accepting my case, Dr. Laura. Accepting your case, I feel like Columbo. What can I do? I've been listening to you for years and years and years and years. And I actually, I said, this problem is more than I can handle.

Oh, I'm going to I'm going to write. I'm going to write. And I am a go getter. And I was listening right now to all your explanations about the sewing and the jean bags. And that's my work. I do that. I understand every single word you were saying. Excellent. So this is like a meant to be moment.

I am having the situation where after 34 years of marriage and well, we've been together almost 40 years between courting and marriage, almost 40. I'm 57. He's 58. We've been together since I was 17. Uh, so the one and only, uh, but over the years after we've raised our kids, um,

just things kept on changing. They kept on changing. It got worse, let's say around, I don't know, maybe 10 years ago. I'm sorry, what got, Mel, what got worse? What do you mean? Our relationship. It's like he, since he has certain, I don't want to say too much just in case he gets exposed, but he is a public or

semi-public figure. So a lot of people know him. And we keep, try to keep our family life quite private. Right. But he's out there. He's out there. So he left the house a lot to do a lot of his public figure things. And I resented that. I resented it. I started going with him, but then I said, I can't do this. I can't. Well, it is public stuff to earn. Wait a minute, Mel. It's his public stuff to earn a living.

No, no. Oh, no, no. So public stuff is sort of a hobby? A calling. Let's say it's a calling, not a hobby. It's a calling. Okay. Okay.

So that brought in a series of problems because I said, you need to be in the house more. We need to share. And he was like, no, I got to do this. I got to do that. And he was never here. And the kids saw that. But I was like, you know what? I'm going to keep the family together. I'm going to keep on raising the kids. I don't know if he has to leave. Will I stay with them? At least the kids know that there is one person 100 percent around.

And when you said to him, you're missing out on the kids and the kids are missing out on you, what did he say to that?

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He doesn't get it. He's like, I know. What did he say? I'm here such and such days. I'm here with the birthdays. I'm I'm here. So day I I hug them. I tell them I love them. But there was more that the kids were saying, well, why doesn't dad whatever? Let's go to the beach.

Well, we never went to a beach. Okay. So where are we today and how can I help you today? Okay. We're empty nesters right now. After the pandemic, I did not go back to work. So I work online and I do occasional outside work, but not the full-time breadwinning thing.

Uh, but we don't communicate that much and we were having a lot of arguments. Okay, but how can I help you today? Okay. I found out that he's not faithful because I, I mean, I didn't mind so much that we weren't sharing, but now that I know that instead of sharing with me, he's sharing somewhere else. I, I outed him. I found out and he does not really want to acknowledge it as, as, as an affair. And I told him. So how can I help you today? Okay.

I just have to figure out if it's worth saving, because I told him, don't throw away all our years together. Okay. I want to know. Ma'am, ma'am, Mel, he already did that. He already threw away a lot by engaging in his ego gratification in public, in addition to earning a living to support the family. He negated that he was needed because he thought he

When he's outside the house doing those things, whatever the hell they are, it sounds like a minister type, frankly. It's not, but similar. Yeah, okay. Okay, but either which way, he has done what he wanted for him. And now you have evidently concrete proof. So in terms of being invested, don't play sight games with yourself. He's not been invested. He fools around on you.

Women, even if he kills squirrels in the basement every day, don't want to leave because it's very hard and scary to imagine being your age and not having a man and a family and the stuff it causes. So there's a lot of playing games with your head instead of making decisions. Because this is an issue of a decision. But it's a scary one. So one of the ways to look at this is if you dumped him today, what would you miss quickly? I would miss...

Having somebody in the bed when I go to sleep. I would miss... Tell me. Please don't say no. Tell me what you would miss. Ma'am, are you going to let me... Whoa! Are you going to let me help you or not? Yes. I'm not going to entertain you just going on about it. Okay. A lifetime of memories of somebody next to me? Okay. A lifetime of memories you have even if he's dead. Yes.

So that's not an answer to my question. What would you miss? Him. I still love him. Okay, then that's your reason for staying, that even though he does these things, you still have a feeling for him, which I don't believe you do. I just believe you have familiarity, habit, and fear of moving on without him. I don't believe you love him anymore. Nope. But I will say that women in your position pull the love card out,

Basically, we go back to too scared to do anything else. So stop jerking yourself around. You're too scared to do anything else until that changes and you're willing to take the risks of being on your own. Stop complaining about him because all it does is make your life miserable. If you're going to stay with him, stop complaining to yourself or to anybody. That just makes it harder on you. Yes, I understand. Yes.

So if you wish to stay, accept it as is, just like you buy a dress as is. Oh, dear. Okay. Maybe it's time to move on then. That's not a question you ask anybody. You don't ask the... No, ma'am. You don't ask anybody that question. No, no. But what you're telling me gives me better insight than any person from my circle knows.

You're scared to be on your own. That's my insight. You're using a million excuses to stay. And you entertain the universe with bitching about it. Bitching doesn't make it different, doesn't make it better. So accept him as is, and you don't have to do anything different. But stop bitching about it, because you're ruining your life by complaining.

I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. My number 1-800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the Dr. Laura stamp of approval. Visit drlaura.com. Click on sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

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