Shownotes Transcript
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The teenage years are just about the craziest time of life for teens and their parents. It's normal for adolescents to give you grief. Their brains are changing fast. Hormones are out of whack. They're dealing with friends and social pressures. Teens are impulsive. They don't understand long-term consequences, so they don't think down the road to what could happen when they take risks and do things like smoke pot.
So what's the best way to react when you discover your kid has tried drugs? Well, not the way Mike did, as we discussed when he called in for my help. Mike, welcome to the program. Yes, Dr. Laura, how are you? Hi.
Thank you for taking my call. It's always after hours when you're at home relaxing that I always need to call on you so much. So I have a very ugly 14-year-old daughter who, you know, usually doesn't get into trouble at all. She plays softball for her high school. She was with one of her softball colleagues, a really good friend, last night having a sleepover.
And I got a call from her father about 6:00 PM saying that he walked into the bedroom and saw them trying to smoke marijuana. Obviously, it kind of just surprised everybody. So my wife went over, picked her up, brought her home. I was actually coaching my son when it happened. So when I got home, I, of course, was with it. I kind of come from a pretty stern upbringing. So right when I got into her room,
I just was, I was floored. I actually smacked her across the face. I made her scrub the floors and I took everything from her except for her books. And I know, like once again, what would Dr. Laura do? I know I've heard some past scenarios where you say taking everything away from them is not the solution, but I just ultimately decided
Don't know what to do. I mean, do I leave her in the room for six weeks? Okay, Mike, can you just stop talking for a minute? Because you've gone nuts. Yes. You've gone way overboard. Nuts. And you do not smack a 14-year-old daughter across the face. Okay. Ever. I never want to hear that you did that again. Understood. You're giving her reasons to smoke pot. Okay. Number two, scrubbing the floors had nothing to do...
with smoking the pot. What this was all about is that you have an adolescent daughter who went to a friend's house, somebody came supplied, they're in a little group, they're all curious and giggly and figure, as 14-year-olds do, that this really is not meaningful. They just didn't think at all. They didn't think about getting in trouble. They didn't think about how this messes up their brain, their motivation, their ability to be athletes. They didn't think about anything. They were just a bunch of giggly girls
And somebody brought pot. Do we know who brought it? Yes, it was actually a senior. They're both sophomores. It was a senior, another softball girl on the varsity team. Okay, we need to report that to the school, to the coach, and to her parents. Okay. And depending upon the amount, maybe even the police. Okay. So we need to take care of that level first.
Second level is your daughter is like most adolescent kids who are in a small little group. They want to be accepted and they want to get along. So she put aside what she knew was wrong because you've taught her not to do drugs. She put aside what she knew was wrong. She took the opportunity, the risk of disappointing her mother and father to fit in and for curiosity, curiosity and to fit in.
That shows a weakness. Most adolescents are too weak to stand up against the group. That would have been a more important thing to discuss than bashing her across the face or making her scrub the floor. It's a learning moment that she will not be doing overnights at anybody's house for quite a long time. That's a given because right now she's too weak to stand up for her own values.
And that's what I'd like you to go in and talk to her about tonight. I'd like you to go in and say, I apologize. I was completely wrong in hitting you. Okay, she's in the other room, so I'll do that when I hang up with you. That will never happen again. Number two, I'll tell you what I'm really disappointed in, sweetheart, that you were too weak to stand up against the group and sustain the values you were brought up with. That's the big disappointment.
And how are you going to gain that trust back? And how are you going to gain that strength? And then you shush up and listen to her try to figure out how she is going to gain that strength. Because ultimately, you are helping her grow up into an adulthood that will have quality into it because she has the strength of her values and convictions. That's the real message here. And that's your real responsibility.
As a daddy. Okay. I'll have that conversation with her right now. Okay. You have the conversation right now in private and then call me back in private.
Okay, can I ask one last question before we hang up? Sure. Yes. In terms of after I had that conversation and what have you, do I let her out of her room? Can you not ask me, can you not be so obsessive compulsive about punishment right now? Just have this discussion and say, wait here until I come and get you. Okay. Stop thinking about punishment. Think about education.
Understood. Okay. Okay, I'm going to take a break, and you can listen to music during the break. Let me turn some on. Okay. Puff the magic dragon lived by the... Uh-oh. Maybe that wasn't the right one. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.
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Dr. Laura's Much Deeper Deep Dive Podcast. Many parents don't seem to remember what it was like to be an adolescent. Yeah, there need to be consequences for rules broken, but parenting is much more than lectures and punishments. You want to handle your teens with love and warmth, even when you feel like strangling them. So staying calm and cool is
Helps keep you in the superior position. It also helps you ask better questions and allows you to focus on what your child tells you. When I spoke with Jane, struggling to fit in was at the root of her son's experimentation with vaping. And that was definitely something he needed his parents to help guide him through. Jane.
Welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. My question is, I have a 15-year-old son. I caught him vaping a day ago, and I need some guidance on how to proceed forward. What is the punishment? There is no punishment. Your kid is doing something that's self-destructive. It's dangerous. It has terrible side effects. Messes up your lungs bad time.
Punishment is missing the point. So why do you think he's vaping? He told me that he has not felt like he could fit in anywhere. And he found this group of friends that at first he felt like he could talk to them for hours. It's a couple of girls and a couple of boys that goes to an all boys school. And he just found a group that he felt comfortable.
He belonged. These girls are pretty, he said, and they liked him. Well, you're very lucky that your boy was willing to tell you the truth. Your boy is a loser right now. He is a loser. And he's hooking up with losers because it's comfortable. Losers are accepting him. And these are the kinds of words you notice. I use pretty inflammatory words on this program, unpaid whore, etc. And the reason I do that is because I am emphasizing the truth about the situation.
So my son, you're behaving like a loser. So you're hooking up with losers and you're doing things that are self-destructive so that you can feel like you fit in. I noticed you didn't take any of the math whiz kids and decide you wanted to fit in with them. You didn't join the chess club so you could fit in with them. You found the lowest common denominator of slobs who vape. And this is your easy way out in life for not having a feeling.
So you've got to be direct with him and say, these friends are out. This crap is out of the house. You're going to start thinking of fitting in by making somebody else feel like they fit in. So name me three kids, maybe two at school, my dear son, who seem to have a problem fitting in. Maybe everybody thinks they're geeks. Maybe they're not attractive since the girls have to be pretty. Why don't you hook up?
With other nice kids who are just trying to get along. Why are you reducing yourself to this lowest common denominator? Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. And take the door off his room. Okay. So you can always see what's going on. Are you married to his dad? Does his dad live in the home? Yes. Good. Dad's got to do some guy things with his son. Okay. I think he's too attached to you and not enough to his dad. I'm just throwing that out there.
Because he's taking the weak way out, unless your husband is a total limp dick. We need him to step up and help his son become a man. And you don't become a man by going to the lowest common denominator of behavior around you. So this is really a moment where you reiterate any of the things I just said, and then dad starts spending a lot more time with him doing guy stuff. Right.
Because vaping is not guy stuff. It's not gal stuff. It's dumb, self-destructive stuff. Yes. Yes. Now, what do you think makes for your kid to not fit in? I don't even know what that means. Right. Look at the group he's trying to fit in with. I mean, what group does he not fit in with? The nice kids? The smart kids? What? The athletic kids? Who? Um...
He feels he doesn't fit in with the popular kids, and he wants to be with the popular kids. Well, tell him that's pretty pathetic, that if his highest value is popularity, all he had to do was give $10 bills to every kid in that class every day, and he'd be the most popular kid in the class. Popularity is easily bought. His value system is way off. Well, you and Dad have to deal with his value system. It's way off. Okay. Okay. Appreciate your call.
Let's face it, teenagers do stupid things. Friends are a big influence, sometimes more so than parents, which is why you should always be nurturing your relationship with your children. Make time to be together one-on-one so that you're bonded and able to talk with them about important subjects so they can open up to you when they're facing challenges. Start talking to your kids at a very early age about the dangers of all sorts of things in life, including drugs,
and that means marijuana, the negative repercussions of pot on an undeveloped brain. Go on the net. Download the information. Make sure they've heard the truth from you. Kids are much less likely to do drugs and other risky behaviors if you set clear rules and if they clearly understand the consequences of breaking them. Then if you discover the rules have been broken, you'll need to have the backbone to follow through on your consequences. Don't be weak.
like Teresa, who told me she was nervous about confronting her daughter over the pot she discovered in her bedroom. Teresa, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura.
Hi. Hi. So the reason I'm calling you today is I have an 18-year-old daughter who is going to college in two or three weeks, and I discovered when I was tidying up her room a bag that had
caught in it along with a different pair of camellia that goes along with it. So I took it and hid it in my closet. Why would you do that? I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to say to her. So I just took it. Ma'am, you're a grown person and a parent. You say parenting things. You don't run away from it because you don't want to know it.
What you do is when she walks in her room, hold this up and say, so how long have you been on drugs? Okay. Why are you running away from it? What are you scared of? And answer the question. Don't tell me I don't know. Answer the question. What were you so scared of? I am afraid of saying the wrong thing to her. I'm afraid that... No, let's try again. Let's try again. And this time, make believe you're the parent. Okay. Let's make believe you're the parent this time. Because that answer does not come from a parent.
So let's try it again. What were you so afraid of? Well, I think for me, I wasn't afraid to confront her. Of course it was. Of course it was. I was afraid to confront her because I just personally don't like confrontation. Oh, my God. You think that's a compliment to you? No. I want to avoid realities in life, even as a parent, because I don't like the feeling. That's what you just told me.
You're right. So I thought I would think about it on what I was going to say. I didn't want to do a neutral reaction. How about you're using drugs and you're going off to college and I'm not really interested in paying for college for somebody who's doing drugs. So if I'm going to be testing you when you never know it to make sure you're not using drugs and the first time you come up positive, you're out of school. You figure out your adult life on your own.
But I'm not going to support drug use. Not happening. Does that sound like a parent? Yes, it sounds like a parent. Will she get mad? Yes, of course. Now, here's what's interesting. If she didn't see you as such a wimp, she wouldn't be getting mad. She'd be getting scared. True.
True. I don't like controversy, but I don't care what you don't like. You have a moral obligation to parent in spite of what you are uncomfortable with. You don't get a pass by saying, I'm not really comfortable with it. You don't get a pass for that. You have a moral obligation to act in spite of how you feel.
Okay. I was going to definitely act and speak to her about it. I was just trying to think of the right way. Okay. That's why you ran and hid it in your closet because you didn't want to face it. And somehow... I wasn't ready to face it. No, it was more than that. You would have left it in place and not mentioned it, but you hid it. Psychologically, that was your attempt to make it go away.
If you hit it, she wouldn't be using it anymore. No, it had nothing to do with you had to give it some thought before you acted. I need you to get more of a backbone for her. It's a little late. She's 18, but better late than never. Okay. So just to recap. Go ahead. So just to recap.
I take it all out, lay it on the table, show it to her. That's correct. This is what I found. How long have you been on drugs? She's supposed to be afraid of you, not you afraid of her. I don't want her to be mad at me. That's not apparent. She should be afraid of your reaction. She should be afraid of your actions. She's the one who should be afraid. Instead, it's you.
Right. And I want her not to do drugs because she doesn't want to do drugs or she knows it's not. Madam, stop with the nonsense. That's just your nonsense. She doesn't want to, but it's there and she's using it. I don't want her to do that, but I hid it in the closet thinking it would all go away. Come on.
Please. And it doesn't matter if you want her to or not. She's an adult. The only thing over which you have control is are you going to financially support a druggie? No. So you're going to random test her. And the first time she tests positive, boom, she pays for her own schooling or joins the Peace Corps. Okay. I think that's great advice. Thank you. I think so. Because your job is to help her be an adult.
not a little kid getting taken care of who's on the side and besides young people who are afraid of their parents and i don't mean afraid they're going to get beaten but afraid of their judgment don't usually keep the weed in the house where it's readily found that shows no respect no fear that's no good
I'm going to take a break. If you're a parent and what I said resonated with you, put the bong down and get back to parenting properly, okay? Yeah. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Spring is in full bloom at the Home Depot. So what are you working on? How about a quick and stylish patio furniture update? Check out a variety of on-trend dining sets with plenty of space for entertaining.
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Talk to Laura's Deep Dive Podcast. Teens aren't mature enough to always make good decisions or control their impulses. I support parents using the tools at their disposal to figure out what their kids are up to. That means looking through their belongings the way Teresa had, so be it. You have to know what's going on with your dependent kids, and they're not entitled to privacy as long as they rely on you for financial support and our minors.
Even when you're doing a great job with your kids, they probably won't follow everything you've taught them. They do have free will and not a ton of common sense.
Keep making the time to talk and bond. Discuss what's going on with them. Make sure you spend a lot more time listening than talking. Teach them healthy ways to decompress and handle stress. Parenting isn't just about setting down a list of laws and enforcing them. You're helping your kid become an adult. You're trying to teach them how to make good decisions and how to learn from the mistakes they've made. I'd like to tell you why parenting
As a teenager, I never tried drugs. I found it extremely important that my father respect me and that I not disappoint him in me. And one time, just one time, one, uno time, my dad said to me, just before I left for college, State University of New York, Stony Brook, which was at the time like the Berkeley of the East, he just said, drugs are for low lives.
That was it. Drugs are for low lives. That was it for me. I didn't want to be a low life. I respected my dad. I wanted him to admire me. And that was that. If your kids want to please you, and not because they're terrified, but awe, admiration, and respect, they're less likely to do the dumb things you suggest they not do. And they become stronger at standing up against people pressuring them. Do you or your team need my help?
Frankly, I love talking to kids. Call me together or separately at 1-800-DR-LAURA or go to drlaura.com and make an appointment. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.
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