Deep Dive: What Are You Adding to Your Child’s Soup? (Part 1 of Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess up Their Kids)
28:43 Share

Like any girly girl, I love to find great deals on beautiful things, and affordable luxury is what I've discovered with Quince. Like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters from 50 bucks, 14-carat gold jewelry, and washable silk tops and dresses, which is really cool, because then you save a lot on dry cleaning.

Quince is about gorgeous accessories, jewelry, home goods, and clothing priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That's because Quince partners directly with top factories. They cut out the cost of middlemen, pass the savings on to you and me. They only work with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince.

Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash doctor. Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today.

Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. Life is like a pot of soup. A mixture of people, places, and experiences. Some good, some not so good, some really bad. Family is the broth of that soup. It's the foundation. Over time, different things get thrown into the broth, but the starting point needs to be a good base.

with loving parents who are sweet and kind to each other, who are patient with their kids, who offer structure and support, discipline, guidance, and tons of love. The most difficult type of call that I get are from kids, sometimes as young as five. It used to be they would call about friends who were mean or how self-conscious they were about their big ears. But more and more frequently, the calls are sad ones.

from children whose parents are living out their own dreams, doing what makes them feel fulfilled and happy without a heck of a lot of regard for how their behavior is going to impact their children down the road. Calls like this one from Madison. Grandma and Madison, welcome to the program. Hi, Madison. Hi, Dr. Laura. How old are you, sweetie? Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call. Sure. How old are you? I'm 11 years old.

You're kidding. You sound so much more mature. Wow. Okay. What grade are you in? I get that a lot. Thank you. I'm in sixth grade. You must be top of your class. Anyway, what can I help you with? I would like to be... My dad, he moved away when I was 10, and I just wanted to know if he moved away... I'm sorry. Was he married to... Wait. Hold on. Was he married to your mother?

No, my dad and my mom divorced when I was five years old. And so they lived how far away from each other when you were 10? My dad lived in San Jose. Meanwhile, my mom and me, my sister, we lived in our house. In what city? I don't know. In what city? What city? Santa Clara. Okay. So did he marry somebody else?

No, but he did find a girlfriend, but that was after he moved into an apartment and we moved in with our grandma, with my grandma. Okay, great. Okay. So your dad moved to where? Where is he living now? Well, after a few years of living in an apartment, he moved to Arizona when I was 10.

Okay. I just need to know where he is now. Is he in Arizona now? He's in Arizona now, yes. And before he left for Arizona, how often did you see him and do stuff? We saw him on Monday and Tuesdays.

Okay. And when he said he's going to Arizona and we wouldn't see anybody on Monday and Tuesday, how did he explain that to you? What did he say? He said that he was thinking about, that they were thinking about moving to Arizona because his fiancee, Tracy, she, her daughter had a child and she was moving to Arizona to help her out with the child. So they were going to move into her house. Okay. Okay.

And now let's just jump to your question. My question is, was my dad, did he really move away for the good of my sister, my sister and me to make, have a better life? Or was he really just moving for his fiance? For his fiance. Really? Really. Oh, okay. Honey, when there's a divorce, and that's why I tell people before they get married and remember this for when you're older,

that you should spend six to nine months in premarital counseling so you make sure you're a good match and understand each other and what's required in a marriage so that you don't have kids and then destroy the family. What is very typical after a divorce is, and I'll use your example, is for one or the other, in your case it's the dad, to meet somebody new and then that becomes the most important thing in their lives. And you're right. It is very typical.

that they just wave goodbye to their kids and start a whole new life. Because what's more important to your dad is that he not be alone and have his girlfriend-fiancee. That's more important to him. Now that I've said that and it sounds horrible, let me say two other things. Number one, it doesn't mean you're not lovable. It just means your dad's a jerk. Just because somebody helped give birth to you doesn't mean they're not a jerk. A lot of jerks create kids. He's being a jerk.

and being very selfish, and being very weak in doing that. A real man would have said, I'm sorry, then we can't get married. I'm not leaving my kids. You have your mom and your grandma. You have people who love you. And I don't think we could get your mom to leave you behind if we threatened her. Keep that close to your heart. I know this thing with your dad hurts, but keep your mom and grandma closer to your heart. I...

Cannot believe to what degree our society has embraced an attitude of just do what you feel you want to do. Too many parents don't seem to think it matters. They don't realize that they're ruining the broth. Your kids are watching, listening, learning from you and reacting to you. Much of the problems we have in our country start with the wrong things parents are teaching and role modeling for their kids.

One of the ways parents ruin their family broth is by pursuing dual and dueling careers. Instead of sharing a car, cooking more at home, buying clothes on discount, moving into smaller homes or to less affluent communities that can be afforded on one income. Many couples decide that they'll both work.

Instead of sacrificing material things, they sacrifice time and energy left over with their kids, which is what Stacey had been doing for the years heading up to our conversation.

Stacey, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call. You have genuinely helped me a thousand times, whether I'm listening to you in my car with my son or not. I'll try to be quick. I'm sorry. That's all right. I have a 15-year-old son who I...

Who's really struggling in school? It's not really new. He's always struggled, but we recently just, well, we always knew there was something we learned. He had a learning disability, which was ADHD. He sees a neurologist. He does therapy periodically, but from the therapist and from all of those things, it's really boiled down to him having a lack of motivation to do well. Both my husband and I have like had lots of conversations with him and

But recently in this last year, we've noticed even a like steeper decline in like what doing well looks like. So somebody who was typically getting B's or C's is now getting D's and even an F on this last report card. And I don't know how much of this I should continue to be like, show me your homework. Let me sign this paper. What are you doing? Are you studying now? It's not the, that's not the problem. Okay. Emotionally, what's his problem? He's got an emotional problem. You're his mom. You have to tell me, what is it?

I think he has low self-esteem. Okay, that's like telling me somebody has a virus. It doesn't mean anything. It just doesn't mean anything. What is he sad about in life? What's he sad about? What's happened to him? What's he sad about? Was he molested? Is the family falling apart? Is somebody beating him?

No, nothing like that. I mean, we are. Tell me what it is. If it's nothing like that, it's something. So what are our other options? I think that he's lonely a lot. We have. Well, that's a symptom. That's not the problem. Maybe he feels like he doesn't get enough attention. And then he does get a lot of attention when we have like these long lecture sit down talks about his grades. And why doesn't he get enough attention? Do you think?

Because my husband and I are both tired from working a lot. I'm quitting my job this summer to be a better mom. But until I'm able to do that financially, I think he's got the brush. The problem is he's 15. And the damage is done. So why don't you have a discussion with him tonight as to what he's sad about? Okay. Say, I'm not going to lecture you about...

your classes anymore because that's really stupid of me. Right. Because it is stupid of you. But that's what happens when two parents are career oriented. They just want the kids to sort of march to the band and just do everything right and not cause a problem. That's why I'm totally against two career families. Because the kids always get the short shrift, much less the marriage and the sex. It's just not the way it works the best. Feminism notwithstanding, that's not what works the best. Mm-hmm.

So you need to sit with him and say, you know, I apologize. I think I've just been nagging you about the schoolwork when that's not really the problem. You're smart enough to get A's and B's, but you're sad. And I think you're sad because there's not much family life here. There's just mommy and daddy work and come home and take care of this and that's it. And I think you're sad. I think that's why you don't care about school. And I apologize. Start there. Okay. You come to a kid with an apology and

and they're amazed, and they open up better. Yeah. Because there's nothing to defend against. He's not stupid. Mm-hmm. That's a good point. When my kid was old enough to be able to sit up without falling over too often, I would sit him on the ground and face him. Everybody spreads their legs and pushes a ball back and forth. So one time I didn't do a very good job because he's little, and so the legs don't come out very far, so the ball kind of went a little bit under the chair that he was next to.

I'm going on this self-esteem thing that I'm sick of hearing about. And he started a whimper because he didn't have the ball right in front of him. Now, I could have gone over and I almost got up. I started to move, slapped myself down. And I said, honey, you can get it.

And he looked and he couldn't and then he sort of flopped over and stuck a little chubby hand in and got the ball and he just lit up. But mom has to be there for that moment to happen. Okay. So I start with the apology. Yes, the things he's been doing well around the house and the things he's been doing well around, he's got nobody to help him light up. Okay. That's you and dad. Yeah, even at this age they require work.

I have to take a break, but it's a good moment for you to consider how you can make that broth more flavorful by how you treat your spouse. Be right back. Curling up on the couch for a movie is one of my favorite ways to end the day. Lily's always right there with me, and we have a new addition to our movie nights, the fluffiest

Pretty Rosewater Pink Lola Blanket. Lola blankets are unbelievably soft, double-sided faux fur blankets with a huggable stretch that molds to your body. Lola blankets come in a beautiful array of colors and three different sizes, so you can find just the right fit for your family. They even offer weighted blankets for better sleep and relaxation, and super cute knotted faux fur pillows.

With thousands of five-star reviews, Lola Blankets are the must-have upgrade your home and comfort deserves. So go to lolablankets.com. Use my code DRLAURA at checkout for 40% off an incredible discount just for you, my listener. What are you waiting for? Go to lolablankets.com today and experience the life-changing softness for yourself. Did you know that skincare can start in the laundry room?

The Dr. Laura program is happy to be partnering with our sponsor, All Free Clear Laundry Detergent. My peeps with kids are especially thrilled to use it because it's 100% free of dyes and perfumes. All Free Clear is the number one laundry detergent brand recommended for sensitive skin by pediatricians, dermatologists, and allergists.

For a clean you can feel good about, all you need is All Free Clear. Lilybug loves to explore the great outdoors while I'm here on the radio with you. I'm able to keep track of her whereabouts, though, thanks to the Life 360 Bluetooth Tile. I clipped it onto her collar.

With a longer range, louder ring, and new SOS button, Tiles can be attached to everyday things like bicycles, keys, soccer bags, and even pets. Life360 puts the real-time location of the people and things you care about most in the palm of your hand. Link your Life360 and Tile accounts, and you'll be able to see everyone and everything that matters in one place on your Life360 map.

Whether you're keeping an eye on elderly parents or waiting for your teen to safely drive home, stay connected to all you love with Life360. Visit Life360.com or download the app today. Use the code DrLaura to get 15% off. That's Life360.com, code DrLaura.

Like any girly girl, I love to find great deals on beautiful things. And affordable luxury is what I've discovered with Quince. Like 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters from 50 bucks, 14 karat gold jewelry, and washable silk tops and dresses, which is really cool because then you save a lot on dry cleaning. Quince is about gorgeous accessories, jewelry, home goods, and clothing priced 50 to 80% less

than similar brands. That's because Quince partners directly with top factories. They cut out the cost of middlemen, pass the savings on to you and me. They only work with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince.

Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash doctor. Dr. Laura's Lunch Deeper Deep Dive Podcast. Forever, the family was one of the most important structures to human existence.

Spending time with your kids needs to be worth more to you than anything you can buy. If there isn't quantity time, there's no real chance of quality time. Another way kids get shortchanged by their parents is when the parents break up or have shack-ups and create more kids with someone else who mom and dad may or may not marry. This is a disaster. Just like adding too much salt or too much pepper to the broth is a disaster.

As I told my caller, Karen, parents like her make it more likely that their kids will shack up, have sex out of wedlock, have kids early because their lives have been so sexualized and they've been taught that commitment doesn't really matter. Karen, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura.

Hi. Hi. I have a question on how to work with my boyfriend's 14-year-old daughter. To give you a little back history, him and I have lived together in a house. How long have you, you're shacking up with a guy who has a teenage daughter and you just started listening to my show this morning? No, I've been listening for several years, actually. Oh, then in the several years, you never heard me say that it was morally wrong to be shacking up with somebody with minor kids. Right.

Well, I have two minor children myself. It's morally wrong to be shacking up, teaching your children that this is okay, that this is equivalent to a sacred commitment. So they see their mother being an unpaid whore, and how does that help them respect you or think about themselves in the future in a sacred marriage? I'm just wondering how that's done. Oh, that's a very good point. I hope his daughter is giving you so much crap that you have diarrhea every other day.

Well, it hasn't been easy, that's for sure. So this little girl is watching her daddy shack up with some woman he's not even married to and having to deal with that woman's kids. That's a nice thing for you to do? That would be your choice if you were 14 to have your dad be humping up with some broad with other kids? That would have made you happy? No. That would make you behave right? How dare you have any criticism of how a 14-year-old behaves? Look at what you're doing.

And you're an adult mother acting vulgarly annoyed that she doesn't like you or she isn't nice to you or she doesn't respect you. She shouldn't respect you. Well, I guess what's done is done. But I don't get your ass out of there. So you can tell your kids you made a terrible mistake and that a sacred commitment with vows is the way you have a quality relationship after your children are grown up. Once you've already screwed up a marriage. So should I get out?

they should get out yesterday you know i'm going to be blunt with you oh gee i haven't been i'm going to be even more blunt with you it's women like you who ruin it in our culture it used to be men had to earn a woman's love and body and soul and life now you women just show up makes it very hard for the good women who expect men to rise to the occasion

number two you create chaos in our society by teaching children that commitment is meaningless you can destroy a marriage and you can just shack up and hook up with some guy you are destroying our culture you are doing that you personally number three you personally are hurting his child or children because their daddy is paying attention to some shack up honey's kids he shouldn't be doing that his full attention should be on his kid he already helped destroy her family

Now he puts her in a competitive situation? What a disgusting thing for him to do for his kid. And how dare you participate in that? But it's not that we don't talk about marriage. I don't care what you talk about. You're a shack up honey. That's all you are. And that's what you teach your children. How dare you hurt our culture?

How dare you hurt these children because you can't hack a real relationship that has a profound commitment to it. Your perspective of the world and how people should behave starts with what you experience in your original family unit.

If you grow up with a family that loves you, encourages you, gives support and positive feedback, you're going to look at the world with enthusiasm. Those who come from chaos, from families that are neglectful, self-absorbed, or hurtful, tend to be starved for attention, and many will get themselves into the wrong situations.

I'm always amused, in a negative sort of way, when parents call me about their children's bad behavior, you know, lying, stealing, smoking pot, and then tell me that before the bad behavior emerged, there was some problem initiated by the parents. I don't know, like violence in the home, angry divorces, shack-ups, that kind of instability, salad families, and the such.

The kids are just reacting to what the parents are doing because they have no other power than to wreak havoc. Sick thing is that parents like my caller, Stephanie, don't realize how much they could be the cause of their child's pain and bad behavior. Stephanie, welcome to the program. How are you? Good. What can I do for you?

I guess I just need advice on, I guess, future relationships and I guess how to get over my last relationship. It's only been not even two weeks since I left. I was with him for a year and a half, and he just up and tells me,

One day after I come home from work that his ex that he has two children with just called him and said that she wanted to come back and he was confused about what he wanted. And so I told him that I wasn't going to say if he was confused, like he needed to figure that out on his own. And then he would just start crying saying that he chooses me and he wants me to stay. He knows it's not going to work with her.

But I still left anyway. So you were shacking up with him. You were not married, right? Yes. Well, of course you just sent him back to his two kids. It's less important that he's enthralled with her and more important that he's there to raise his children. Yeah, I have a son with him. So you got knocked up at a wedlock with a guy who already had two kids. Yes. Why would you do that?

Obviously, it was my choice and it was a mistake, but I mean, I was on birth control. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. Well, did you not take the pill for two days in a row or what? Did you take some antibiotic while you were on the pill? I mean, how did this work? I have no idea how. I don't know. I talked to my doctor about it and she said that sometimes that happens. Well, here's the bottom line. Are there any more kids that you made?

Yes. I have two older children as well. And you made them both with the same guy? Were you married to him? No. No, they're not his. No. Okay. So here's the problem. Here's the problem. You are grossly irresponsible and thoughtless. And now three children have chaos in their lives because of your decisions. You should be very ashamed of yourself.

And hopefully that shame will motivate you that from this point on, you're not in any relationships with men. Your focus is to raise these kids with no more drama and no more chaos and no more loss. Yeah. You have a moral obligation to have no personal sex romantic life, but to raise these kids as best you can with the help of some healthy family members. Hopefully you have a few. I do. So the answer to future dating...

How old is the youngest one? How old is the youngest one? He's four months. Four months old. You have 18 years. And then you can call me back and we can talk about dating. But between now and then, you don't. And this guy needs to go back to his kids. Yeah. I guess it's just I've trusted the wrong people. No. You were irresponsible and thoughtless. It has nothing to do with trusting other people. You...

We're irresponsible and thoughtless. Don't blame the men for this. Shacking up and having sex out of wedlock with a guy who has two kids to raise was irresponsible and thoughtless of you. You have an argument to that? I mean, please tell me if you think I'm wrong. I can't wait to hear it. Your personal life is done. Done. Your maternal life is the only one you're responsible for now.

You have no right to bring more pain, more loss, more chaos to these children. This is terrible. My hope is that you have some adult family members you can live with because you're going to need help with the little kidlet. You certainly don't want to put the little kidlet or any of the other kids in daycare where they have no one to love them all day. So that means you've got to be with family.

Because abandoning these children because of your irresponsible and thoughtless actions would be even more horrible. Yeah, I'm the same with my mom. Good. Permanently. Well, not permanently. 18 years. Okay. Your kids need you, not your chaos and not your romantic drama. Okay. And for future reference, after 18 years, by and large, guys shack up with women not because they plan to stay.

but because it's easier to leave. Yeah. And that has nothing to do with trusting somebody else. That was your own irresponsibility. So I'm begging you, please, focus on minimizing the disaster that this all is for your three kids. I'm just begging you to do that. No, I mean, that's my plan. I don't want to be with anyone else. Good. Don't. 18 years. Then call me and we'll discuss it. Optimistic, aren't I? 18 years. Amy? Amy?

They're forcing me against my will to take a break, but I hope it is in your will to do the best thing for your children. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast. Deeper.

Managing your health can be difficult, but pharmacy delivery from Walmart now makes it easier. Whether you're down with a sinus infection, have a chronic condition, or just a time crunch, choose Express Delivery and your meds will be at your door in as fast as an hour. Prescriptions delivered fast. Welcome to your Walmart.

excludes pharmacy processing time, restrictions, exclusions, and fees apply. Lilybug loves to explore the great outdoors while I'm here on the radio with you. I'm able to keep track of her whereabouts though, thanks to the Life 360 Bluetooth tile. I clipped it onto her collar.

With a longer range, louder ring, and new SOS button, Tiles can be attached to everyday things like bicycles, keys, soccer bags, and even pets. Life360 puts the real-time location of the people and things you care about most in the palm of your hand. Link your Life360 and Tile accounts, and you'll be able to see everyone and everything that matters in one place on your Life360 map.

Whether you're keeping an eye on elderly parents or waiting for your teen to safely drive home, stay connected to all you love with Life360. Visit Life360.com or download the app today. Use the code DrLaura to get 15% off. That's Life360.com, code DrLaura.

High Five Casino lets you play your favorite slot-and-live table games, like Blackjack, with the chance to redeem for real cash prizes. High Five Casino has a giant selection of over 1,200 games, including hundreds of exclusive games only found on High Five Casino. It's always free to play, and free coins are given out every four hours. Ready to have your own High Five moment? Visit HighFiveCasino.com. That's High, the number five, Casino.com. No purchase necessary. Voidware prohibited by law. Must be 21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply.

When you think about your future, you know what calls to you. Meaningful work, happiness, growth, and sharing these values with others. But how will you find all of that? There are many paths forward, including one you may not have considered. The military provides countless opportunities to pursue your calling, where you can be part of something bigger than yourself while still being yourself and having the future you want.

You have a calling. We have an answer. Learn more at today's military dot com. Talk to Laura's deep dive podcast. Your children are impacted by what you do.

Don't teach them that they aren't worth your time or that commitment in marriage just doesn't work. You have to think about their future marriages in all your decisions. If your relationship gets ugly and turns into chaos and divorce, your kids have more of a chance of never getting married, having babies out of wedlock, or getting divorced themselves. Their future marriages.

needs to be your motivation to provide a stable, loving home. Yep, stay together for the sake of the children, unless there's danger in the home. Don't screw up their broth for your selfish needs. I wrote how the death of the family hurts kids and degrades our culture in the first chapter of my book, Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids. You can find it at drlaura.com. And while you're there...

Hey, make an appointment to speak with me before you add something to the soup that is your child's life that cannot be undone. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. What is your calling?

Maybe it's something you love to do, a goal you want to achieve, a skill you want to learn, or a difference you want to make. You know it's part of who you are and part of the life you want. But do you know how you'll get there? The military can help you pursue your calling with countless opportunities to help you build a future filled with purpose. You have a calling. We have an answer. Learn more at todaysmilitary.com.