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Thanks for listening to my call of the day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern time on Sirius XM triumph 111 Deanna welcome to the program. Thank you. Thank you. I am. How can I help? I sent an email. I'm trying to figure out the best way to help my youngest daughter. I have three children. They're all grown and
I made bad choices throughout my whole life and bad choices with marriage in choosing their dad were divorced. I had remarried, divorced for the second time as well. My life has been a mess.
I'm trying to figure out how to prevent my daughter from making the same mistake. Deanna, she's not you. Get off her back. You can't fix your history through controlling her. But let me ask you something. Do you think you're stupid? No. Okay. We've established you are not stupid. So tell me how you make a bad choice if you're not stupid. Tell me.
Now, slow down. Slow down. This is a very difficult question. Very. Because you have a thinking mind. And every choice you made was through thinking. True. So if you're not stupid, then what you're thinking is going to be most interesting. Because that meant it went contrary to how smart you are. The choices I made were what I thought other people wanted me to do. So they were never your choices. Yes.
No. And that's why interfering with your daughter now would be very bad. Even though your intent is good, it still puts her in the position of pleasing you. The best thing I think you could do, which would be, is to tell her, I led my life to please other people so they would be happy with me. That was the stupidest thing I could have done. And I'm not stupid. And you're not stupid. So you think through your choices. Think through.
Don't just be emotional. Think through and you won't make a bad choice. That's good advice. Wonderful that would be for you to sit with your daughter and tell her that. She'd feel supported by you. She'd feel supported by you, which as you know, is huge in a kid. Huge. Yes, we have. Yes. As long as you get her to think through her choices, they won't be stupid. They won't be the wrong ones.
I will certainly do that. I will talk with her. Thank you. Yeah. Just talk through your experience. Like, I had made my choices by my choices. I wouldn't have made, I wouldn't have done to please everybody else. Tell me who you were pleasing in the second marriage. My mom. Well, how did the second marriage please her? She liked him. She found the guy? Oh, she liked him. She, um... What was wrong with him from your point of view?
Oh, he was mean. He was mean to my children. He was mean to me. He was degrading to all of us. Your mother never saw that? She didn't want to see that. Did you tell her he's being mean? Yeah. And she said? That when my children grew old enough for them to be out of the house, that's when I could go and have my fun.
I wasn't looking for fun. What does it have to do with him being mean to your kids? I mean, your daughter is one of those kids. He was mean to your daughter? Yeah. He was better to her than he was to the older two because she was really little when we got together. He was a little kinder to her until she got older, and then he did degrade her quite a bit. We have a little fly in the ointment here. We have a little fly in the ointment then with your daughter.
Because it's one thing making choices because you're pleasing mother, and it's another thing to stand by and watch your kids be hurt. Yes. Which is why I did wait too long to get out, but I got out. You're right. You're right. You're absolutely right. And what kept you there as long as you were?
Because, again, you weren't stupid. So what kept you there that long? I was stupid. Just every time I would leave, I was smart enough to know I could support myself, but stupid enough to listen to my mom who truly would tell me that the best thing I could do is to go back, be a family, and, you know, just...
I just felt like she just wanted me to shut up and take it. That's clear. One thing, though, let's talk it through together before you talk to your daughter. You're going to have to explain to her why protecting your kids was second to pleasing your mother, because I've always been the same way. I turn into just a monster if anybody's going to hurt my kid. Which is true. So I'm trying to figure out how naturally protecting your kid wasn't...
motivation enough to tell your mother to shove it. Excuse my mouth. No, you're right. I should have. Well, that's not the point. I'm not beating you up on what you should have done. What I'm trying to understand is we have to explain this to your daughter. So I'm trying to get you to the point where you can explain this to her in a way that she can absorb and put in the proper place. How do you explain that following your mother go back and be a family was the choice that
When your kids were being hurt by him. How do we explain that? Help me do that. I guess I felt like I was being a whiny baby. No, we're talking about protecting your kids. If he was just being mean to you, frankly, my dear, who gives a damn? But he was doing it to your kids. I don't think she took me seriously. I don't think she... No, but you didn't take you seriously. That's true. We're trying to explain to your daughter now why her being hurt...
was secondary to listening to your mother. There is no explanation. We have to have one. We have to. Don't use the word stupid. We already said you're not. We have to have one because we need an explanation. And the reason this explanation is important is because it's going to be the foundation of her making decisions. Do we let our own personal needs and fears get in the way of protecting our kids? No. No.
I agree with you saying no, but how do we explain that to your kid? Take your time. Do the opposite of what I do. Yeah, but why? We have to give her a why. I'm weak. Okay, tell me what that means when you say you're weak. Tell me what that means. I don't have enough good judgment or thought to make a right decision. That's not true. You knew he was hurting them, which is why you left.
That's not true. Why didn't I leave sooner? And why did you come back? We have to explain that to her and the other kids. It would give them peace. We have to come up with something good. Yeah. I'm going to take a break now. It lasts, what, three minutes or something? Please just sit and think because we have to come up with something together here. We're a team now, all right? Okay. Okay. I'm just going to put you on hold. Don't go anywhere.
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Okay, Deanna. So tell me what you thought about during the break. Honestly, the only thing that comes into my head is if I just shut up and was good enough, I could fix him so that he would be nicer. And that never happened. But that's really the only thing I can think of, which is sad. I know. And what did you do to try to fix him? Just be compliant, be...
You know, make sure nothing stirred the pot in the house. I just tried to make sure that everything went smooth. Didn't ask for anything. You know, I didn't, I made sure the kids had everything they needed so they didn't ask for anything and they never did. My kids were beyond good and they still are. Okay.
You found an alternative. You were trying to repair it so we didn't have to uproot your kids yet again. Exactly. Got it. This is all good stuff for you to talk to your kids about. Yeah. It's good to get it in the open. Yeah. Answer any questions they have. And I think right now you're prepared to answer any questions they have.
Because I think it'll keep you closer over the years. Because a lot of times, as you hear on this program, people call, you know, decades later, suddenly realize, my mom didn't protect me. So I think it's useful for the progression of their development and their relationship with you, for you to find opportunity, maybe get them all together, even on a Zoom if you live far apart, and talk about it. You're the kind of mom who can talk about it. They're fortunate to have you.
Because you're open to discussing it. And that will help them, Deanna. I do. I do definitely welcome any question they would have. Always. Good. I know you're open. I know it. I think this is going to go very well. Thank you. And at first, they might get a little protective of you. Oh, no, Mom, it's okay. You don't have to. Yeah, you do have to talk about it. Okay. And that's exactly how they are. Yeah. Okay. But they're protecting you and they're not supposed to be doing that.
Right. It's supposed to be the other way around. Right. So let's do it. You will feel so much better when this is behind you. I will. Because then you know you really can put this behind you. Right now it's not. It never has been. Yeah. It will be when you do this. I promise you. Thank you. You're very welcome. I appreciate that you called. I appreciate your time. Thank you so much. You're welcome.
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