I Need Anger Management
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Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash doctor. Thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Maya.

Welcome to the program. Hello, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for speaking with me. Hello? I'm listening. Can you hear me? Yeah, yeah. I'm listening. Go ahead.

Yeah, my heart is pounding, so bear with me. That's okay. I have an issue with anger, so often I'm overcome or flooded with anger in an instant. I'm working so hard to suppress it and constantly on edge. But I was wondering, sometimes I heard you recommend to people cognitive behavioral therapy or hypnosis or...

I was wondering what would be appropriate in my case. Sometimes I'm even looking for a fight. That's how I feel. You know, there's a constant fight or flight state. I feel like so often I'm in a constant fight state. And almost when I'm in a parking lot looking around, oh, if anybody is going to fight me, going to attack me, I can fight them. Well, Maya, I do that in parking lots too, and I don't have your problem.

It's just smart to be looking around because there are bad people. The problem you have emotionally, I think, I believe, is that you still don't feel safe in your own skin. Let me give you an example of what that means. I think when I was much, much, much, much, much younger, I would respond more likely than now at all

with being angry because it's like getting your sword out. Mm-hmm. So in a parking lot, it makes sense. But in your everyday life with people you discern are okay, then you have to trust that you can handle them hurting you. I don't mean physically. If you're concerned all the time about physical hurt, then you should take martial arts, Krav Maga, then you can handle yourself. So rather than send you

To a psychotherapist, I would send you to Krav Maga. Doesn't matter how old you are when you start. Doesn't matter. Because you will learn mentally to use your body to feel safe. And it's amazing how your body being safer makes your mind less concerned, which means you don't have to get angry because that's pulling out the sword. Thank you. Because I have a couple of things. If you attack me right now, I can either yell and scream at you

hang up on you, listen to you out, give you a calm response. That just goes on and on. I have all these options. You behave as though you only have one option. I'd like you to have more options. Sometimes you should get angry. I get angry if it's appropriate. Oh yeah. Yes. Yeah. I get angry when it's appropriate. Otherwise I have all these other ways of handling it.

So my recommendation is you take Krav Maga, K-R-A-V, as in vegetable, Maga, M-A-G-A. It's a self-defense program. There are no belts, no keys. It's real self-defense. Okay? I suggest you take that so you can feel safer. I feel perfectly safe. I welcome a fight. I'm looking for a fight. That's where my problem is. Okay. I guess I didn't express myself well enough.

And I apologize for that. Pardon me? It'll make you psychologically and emotionally feel safer. The reason you yell and scream is you don't feel safe. You think you're going to be hurt and you attack. Well, I don't yell and scream. I just suppress it. Okay. Okay. My suggestion is you take Krav Maga. I think you'll be amazed how in three weeks you don't get as angry. I did karate for seven years.

Not karate. Krav Maga. Okay. When I worked with therapists, they said they wanted to work on trauma. So, okay. All right. Thank you. That's a lot of sitting in one place for a very long time. What do you mean? Well, what do we do with trauma? Talk about it? The interesting thing is, the more we talk about trauma, the more traumatized we become. Because we're emphasizing that part of our psyche.

So once you've talked about it, you have clarity as to what it is. And there's no need to keep going over it and over it and over it. What you need to do is find something that settles you down.

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And that's all I have to offer you right now. I hope I explained it better this time. Okay. Okay. Thank you. If you want to keep talking about trauma, that earns some therapists a lot of money to go over it and make it more negative. Okay. Understood. I also think you need to meditate. Okay. You think I'm full of crap, right?

No, not at all. Just I even do some kind of work that also puts me in a fight. And yeah, and I feel alive when I'm fighting. Nothing puts you in a fight. You join a fight, you create a fight. Nothing puts you in a fight. See how you look at it? Maybe I joined a fight. Yeah, maybe I joined fights or create fights. Okay, okay. Well, if you feel more secure about being able to survive these fights, you won't join them.

Understood. It's a terrible way to go through life with your fists. Yeah, I hear you. It's really too hard. I mean, I'm sure it's going to cut down your lifespan. I'm not kidding. How much adrenaline and cortisol do you think your body can tolerate?

That's why I was wondering how I could calm down. Okay. So I did take martial arts. I'm very strong. I exercise in a gym. Okay. I was very clear several times. Not martial arts. Krav Maga. It's an entirely different philosophy. And meditation. Okay. Which is, yeah. I think you, at 51, have your habits changed.

A little epoxied into place. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's how you respond to me. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to be agreeable. Count to ten. Stop trying things. Count to ten. Go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Do it again. This time take a full breath in between each one. That's good. That was a good breath.

two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. What was the difference in experience between the first one and the second one? What's the question? What's your different experience counting the first time and counting this last time? How is the experience different?

I was focused on following the directions and not keep you waiting too long because I had to speed it up a little bit because when I breathe normally, I breathe very slowly because I'm a runner. It would take forever to wait at my regular pace for 10 breaths for me to do them. So I didn't want to keep you waiting too long. Okay, we're going to do it again now.

And what I need you to do here is not to focus on me. I can read a book while you're doing this and be just fine, okay? Okay. Not to worry, right? I could take a nap. I'm fine. Okay. But I learned something more about you, which is important. It's how it looks. So right now, it's just all about you. I want you, when you inhale and exhale before the next, I want you to really focus on the breath.

Feel the breath. See the breath in your mind's eye. I'm fine. I'm not judging you. I'm not impatient. I'm fine. So I want you to do it again. I'm not surprised you told me what you told me because the sound of your voice never changed. It was still tense. This time I'd like you to... I'll try to do it constantly, yeah. Right. Well, we're practicing something else right now. Is that okay? Would you be willing to do this again? Of course.

Don't say of course. You could say no, please. If it's no, say no. I'm not going to judge you. I'm going to do it. Why? Because I need to get it fixed. That's torture to live like this. Okay, because you'd like to feel better. Yes. Good. I want you to feel and focus on each breath. I will know if you're focusing and you're not. And I yearn for you to focus because it will bring some peace to you. Not because I want you to do what I'm telling you to do.

I want you to experience peace for a change. So let's count. This time you're going to do it with your eyes closed. And each breath you take before you say the next number, you're going to feel it, hear it. I mean, I was doing the breaths with you and I can hear my breath. I couldn't hear yours. So I want you to hear your breath each time. Okay? Go. One, two, three, four.

Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. How was that? Thank you for your patience. How was that? Slower, but yeah, I appreciated your patience. I mean, I get so nervous that people will get mad at me that I'm doing something wrong.

It's your mind that says they're getting tired of it. It's your perspective. It's not reality. You're making an assumption. You made the assumption with me. You make the assumption that everybody is not going to be patient with you. And that's just not true. Number two, if somebody misbehaves and shows impatience and is rude, screw them.

I'll probably get one piece of mail that says, that was so boring. You went through one through ten three times. I wanted you to go on to another call. And you know what my answer is? Screw him. And I want you to get to that place with me someday. So don't want to be angry when I see nice families and nice relationships. See, you just lapsed back into talking about your anger.

Understood. Yeah, I get your point, yeah. We need to stop constantly revisiting the word. What if I change the word to upset? I get instantly upset when I see something nice and loving. Breathe. The world is never going to be pure. People are never going to be appropriate. It's never going to happen. Just the way life is. You're not going to change the way life is, but you can certainly change how you face it.

And for your own emotional and physical sake, got to face it with more breathing. Understood. So what I'd like you to do is practice this 1 through 10 breathing and call me Monday. I'm going to give you plenty of time to practice. Some days you'll be better at it than other days. That's just normal. Okay. I will do that. I'd like you to send you off with this admonition.

Don't talk about anger between now and Monday to anyone. I will do that. I look forward to you. I'm going to put you on hold. Let's make an appointment for you to come back Monday at a certain time that's convenient for you. My number, 1-800-

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Tired of listening to the same old playlists or podcasts over and over? Maybe it's time to mix things up. Try something new. Hit explore. Avoid the blah and the boring before you've even put your headphones in. Add some fun in the mix. Say yabba-dabba-doo to a bowl of Pebble cereal and enjoy by the spoonful. Fruity and Cocoa Pebble cereal. Less blah, more yabba-dabba-doo. Head to your nearest grocery store to buy Pebble cereal today. The Flintstones and all related characters and elements copyright and trademark Hanna-Barbera.