Shownotes Transcript
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Thanks for downloading my call of the day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Anna, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm really excited to be speaking with you today. Thank you. What can I help with?
This call will be recorded. So what I'm calling about is I was hoping to get your opinion on what we owe our parents as adult children. Just to give you a little bit of background, my parents and I have been estranged for the past five years, kind of on and off.
And basically, my parents are married. Before that, before that, you're estranged for five years. But before the five years of estrangement, what was it? We had a very tumultuous relationship. Yeah.
because of the dysfunction in my parents' relationship. And this started in my early childhood because of the dysfunction in their relationship. It affected me. And so I've always been in the middle of all of their issues. I don't know. Dysfunction is kind of vague. Can you tell me what it is you observed? Yeah.
Sure. So my dad is very codependent with my mom. Oh my, can we do this without psychobabble? And can we do this and just say he kicked the dog? You know, I'd like to know specifically, not what somebody else labels it.
Yeah, absolutely. So as a little girl, he was just a very angry dad. He had a temper. He would often pick fights with me. He would, I want to say emotional abuse, but what I mean by that is just be super critical of me, super hard on me, even though I never really did anything to deserve like
the level that he would escalate it to. You know, I always did my homework. I went to school, you know, was just like a normal kid. But I think because of the frustration, what kinds of things, what kinds of things would he yell about? What kinds of things would he yell about?
You've been in therapy. So I can tell. But just talk to me as though you have not ever. OK. OK. Yeah, that makes sense. So he would just yell a lot about, you know, put away your shoes, unload the dishwasher. When my brother was born, when I was 10 years old, he would yell at me because he would want help, like taking care of my brother. So like I was 10 years old and trying to like change diapers and like
feed him. And of course I wasn't doing it correctly. And so he would cry. And so he would yell at me for making my brother cry, causing stress in the house because at the time my dad was responsible for taking care of my brother. Like when I got home from school until he went to bed, because my mom worked at home in a basement, in our basement, in an office, like at night.
So when I was home from school, I was also expected to help with my brother and taking care of him. And I never did it the way that my dad wanted me to. So he would yell at me about that, about the dishwasher, just about the fun. So dad did not have a job? Hello? So dad did not have a job? He did have a job. So they would basically switch. So he would get home around four or five o'clock and then my mom would go to work.
So he would work full time during the day and then he would take over when he got home from work. And they had my brother a little bit later in life. And like I said, him and I are 10 years apart. So he was and it's not an excuse, but he was 40 years old and my mom was in her late 30s when he was born and just could not handle taking care of a newborn at that age for them.
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Okay. And at what age did you leave the home to go to school or run away from home or whatever? When I was 18, I went away to college and then came home and then went to a community college after a semester away. And that caused a lot of problems because my dad and I were constantly fighting. About what? Fighting about what? Fighting about what? Hmm.
He was, I think he would just be very critical of me, kind of like what I was saying before, being like, you're not going to be anything. You're not going to make it if you do this and that. But I think it's an
And again, I'm talking in therapy terms, but I think it's because, you know, he dropped out of high school and made a lot of mistakes. And so he was afraid that I was going to do the same thing. But my life trajectory up to that point had not even closely mirrored his. Like, I graduated from high school. I was going to college. I was working three jobs. And I was living at home, but, you know, I was still being productive while also going to school. But that's just kind of the story.
the overall theme of my life is he's always been hard on me because he's been afraid. Okay. You haven't mentioned your mother once. Did she have any input into your life at all? You haven't mentioned it seems very dad oriented. Oh yeah. We'll get to her. Oh no. Okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. So we originally, you suggest, what are we going to talk about that you haven't talked about in therapy?
I'm more just giving you background so that I can kind of explain. No, I mean for the whole call. No, I mean the subject matter you called with. What are we going to talk about that you have not talked about in therapy? Oh, I've talked about all this in therapy. I know why they acted the way that they did. I'm asking you, you just made a call to me. What is it you want to talk about to me that you have not talked about in therapy?
Gotcha. Yes, that makes sense. So what my question is to you is, at this point, what do I what do I owe my parents as an adult child? Because I'm estranged from them, not because of the things that have happened in the past. Okay, so you have not talked about estrangement or obligations in the therapy?
I have, but like I kind of had like a shitty experience with therapy. Nobody's straightforward like you or like actually give like concrete advice. So I basically just like they're just like, oh, that's really hard. I've gone to a lot of different therapy. Okay. I'll answer your question without hearing any more background. You owe them to make sure they have a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food in their tummy and medicine if they need it. Those are your obligations.
Mm hmm. That's it. Yeah. OK. Yeah. I think I struggle with guilt because of the estrangement. OK. No, no, no. You're not struggling with guilt. You're struggling with loss. OK. You don't have a mommy and a daddy. Yeah. So part of you. Yeah. No, I don't. No. Wants that. That's right. And we don't we don't easily give up wanting that. So it's not guilt.
It has nothing to do with guilt. It has to do with it hurts your heart not to have mommy and daddy. Yeah. Well, I guess I feel like it's guilt because I don't want... I don't want to hear your excuse. You called a therapist to help you because you think it's guilt. It doesn't make it guilt. Okay. Yeah. It's called need, desire, loss, hurt, fantasies.
Of a mommy and a daddy you could turn to. Yep. Yep. And I have a baby now. So I'm learning. Well, I kind of had an idea of what it meant to be a parent because I took care of my brother a lot.
But now with my own child, you know, we've made the decision. I just don't want him to be a part of that dysfunction that I grew up with because... That's fine. That's the kind of decision a mature woman-wife-mother needs to make to protect her children. Not as vengeance, but as protection. Yeah. And really why... Did I adequately answer your question? Yeah.
Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I really, I love how traditional you are and straightforward. And so I just wanted to hear about it from somebody. Here's somebody's opinion that I respected. Yeah. It's a hole in your heart that you'll always have, but at least you have a kid. So your child helps you fulfill the mother child, father child the second time around, except you're the parent this time.
You're not the kid. You're the parent. And now you can create the beautiful atmosphere so your kid doesn't call me in 18 years. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.
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