I've Got a People-Pleasing Personality
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Thanks for listening to my call of the day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Sandra, welcome to the program. Hello, Dr. Laura, long time listener, and thank you for taking my call. You're welcome.

I have, I'm trying to figure out how I can begin with you so it's not crazy complicated. It isn't. My sister is actually my niece. She's 53. How can your sister be your niece? Well, when I was 11, my biological sister died and had two kids and my parents adopted them.

When I was 11. I see. And I raised them. I gave up a lot for them and I, for my parents' sake, and I practically helped raise them. So now that I'm visiting Florida. How old were you when you practically raised them? How old were you? 11. How can you raise kids at 11? I don't know what you're talking about. Well, they both worked. I didn't, you know, after school I was...

responsible for their care. So, yeah, they both, we were in a very, a real financial pickle after she died. My parents had already had four of us and then they took on these two and we weren't doing well before the two kids came and her bills wiped them out from what I understand. And, you know, she had a brain tumor and it was just, you know, a real sad story. But I don't regret anything.

my relationships with my niece and nephew, sister, brother, I call them, but, you know, it took a long, it took a, it was, it was a big sacrifice, you know, with my afterschool activities being canceled and yada, yada, but because I had, you know, to go home to them. So now I'm, you know, I'm 63 and she's 54 and,

I'm sorry, did you ever get married and have kids of your own? Yes, yes, I have three kids. They're all adults, and they each have, I have three grandchildren, one from each kid. Ah, okay, good. Yeah, I'm married, I've been married for 45 years to the same man. Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what I say. Yeah. We're proud. We're proud. Good. So, yeah. Anyway, this dilemma sounds really trivial compared to what's going on in the world. But I just, I, three weeks ago, my sister niece said, hey, I'm going to take Friday off.

And we can spend the whole day together. And I'm like, okay, you know, I think I can do that. Then it was, oh, I got to take you somewhere special. I'm like, oh, exciting, something that, you know, we like. And this morning she kind of, this is my fault. She said, oh, by the way, I might as well tell you the surprise. It's not a big deal. She says, we're going to go to the

ice skating rink where the Panthers have their practice, the Florida Panthers. And she's really into sports and I am not. So I'm like, oh, that's the big surprise that we're going to spend the whole day together. And I didn't tell her this is, this is a problem I've been doing for years. I, I do go along with way too much and I don't, not with just her, but with everybody.

But I haven't, my daughter said, Mom, you got to call Dr. Laura because you're a weenie. And I'm like, yeah, that's being a weenie. Because I could have just said, you know, can we do something we both like? Curling up on the couch for a movie is one of my favorite ways to end the day. Lily's always right there with me. And we have a new addition to our movie nights, the fluffiest movies.

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I'm able to keep track of her whereabouts, though, thanks to the Life 360 Bluetooth tile. I clipped it onto her collar. With a longer range, louder ring, and new SOS button, tiles can be attached to everyday things like bicycles, keys, soccer bags, and even pets. Life 360 puts the real-time location of the people and things you care about most in the palm of your hand.

Link your Life360 and Tile accounts, and you'll be able to see everyone and everything that matters in one place on your Life360 map.

Whether you're keeping an eye on elderly parents or waiting for your teen to safely drive home, stay connected to all you love with Life360. Visit Life360.com or download the app today. Use the code DrLaura to get 15% off. That's Life360.com, code DrLaura. I know you want to do the right thing for your kids. Have you thought about taking that extra step and doing good things for their financial future?

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Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash doctor. Well, you got groomed early to sacrifice yourself. You got groomed early to lazy parents who didn't want to take care of all the kids they brought into the home, so you got trained that that's your role.

And it's a small thing to spend a day doing something you don't like to make sure your sister likes you. That's it. So why would you want to change? All you have to do is spend an afternoon and there's no negativity. There's no confrontation. There's no upsetness. I mean, it seems to me you should stick with it. What's in it for you to give it up? By the way, did you go and did you have a good time?

I didn't go yet. It's Friday. Oh, I see. It's upcoming. All right. Yes. Yes. Sorry. It is upcoming. Okay. That's fine. I don't know why you'd want to change. And your daughter is thinking short-sightedly about this because she benefits from you being like this. She didn't count that in. That there are a lot of things she asks of you and your husband asks of you and the other kid asks of you that you say yes no matter what.

So if you changed, there'd be hell to pay everywhere. Yes. What's in it for you. But that would be an interesting thing to say to your daughter. I called Dr. Laura and she said that I probably don't, that you, mom, don't, and daughter, doesn't realize that you'd be saying no to some things about her and she wouldn't like it. And your daughter hadn't thought of that. Perhaps, but she has told me that she actually does like it better.

When I do assert myself with her, she says I feel more clear. I'm not getting, like in her view, mixed messages that you don't really want to. Nice. She has stated that. Yeah. Yeah. It's not the same thing as living it, though, is it? Yeah. I mean, I do take care of the little guy who's two years old. Oh, yeah. You never say no to anything. I know. And that makes you valuable.

You know, some of that is going to go by the wayside. Yeah, I think the point she made is beautiful because that would be, if I was your friend, I'd say, you know, I really, we can't be friends because I don't really know what you really want. And I like if we're more clear with each other, but that's me. I'm not a user. But most people like the comfort and convenience of getting what they want when they want it. And you've been providing that and it's been working. Yeah. Oh yeah, it works except when I...

get drained from doing something. You know, my niece, she's a talker and very hyper and I'm, I love her. Don't get me wrong, but I think you forgot you're not 11 anymore. I think you forgot you're not 11 anymore. I think that is the main problem. And she's not six anymore. Right. Right. Well, yeah. Moms can say, well, do you want to try out slow and work your way up?

Or just now and then. How about this? You know, when you pour spice or colors on something, you don't coat it. You have a little drip here, a little drip there, right? So why don't we try a little drip? Why don't you call her up and say, you know, I've been giving it some thought. I really want to spend the day with you bad, but I'm not really interested in sports stuff. So how about you go to that with somebody else and then you and I can plan something that we both enjoy.

Why don't we try it once? See what happens. She gets bitchy. See if she's gracious about it. Because if she gets bitchy about it, it means she's using you and she has no care for you. But if she's gracious about it, then she's learned a lot about caring. And that's wonderful. So why don't we just consider this an experiment? Gracious or bitchy?

But you say, I just, I want to spend the day with you, but not doing a sports thing. So go to that, have a good time. And how about we do blank, which we both know we like. I'm going to have to write that down. Okay, take your time. Take your time. Right. I'll stay quiet. Okay, I will. All right, hold on. I'm holding.

Thank you. I'll write in shorthand. Well, when I do that, I can't read what I've written. So I don't know. Take your time. I forgot it. Yeah, you're right. It's going to like those brief forms. They're just not coming to me right now. Anyway. How about this? We do it together. I really want to spend the day with you. Write that down. I don't. I don't want to. Okay, here's the problem. I love her in a way that...

Okay, but you're going to have, ma'am, you're going to have to do this in pieces. Didn't I just tell you about pieces? I'm not crazy about her as a person. I know that, but we have to do this in, ma'am, be quiet while I'm talking to you. We have to do this in pieces. We can't blow her out of the water. Okay. All at once. Okay. So I'm asking you to work with me here. I really would love to spend the afternoon with you. Doesn't matter if you wouldn't. Okay. Not too interested in sports stuff. Okay.

Take your time. Write it out. No shorthand. Not too interested in sports stuff. You go to the event Friday. You go to the event Friday. And have a good time. Well, it's more of a, it's something that's not timed. It's just like we're going to walk through this mall with Panther stuff.

So can I say... It's sports stuff. It's sports stuff. Have a good time. Do it with somebody else. And you and I can plan something else another time. Write that down. Oh, no. Here comes the weenie. Hold on. Now from that, we can go to not spending much time with her at all in the future. But right now, let's just take care of Friday and see how she responds. It's the experiment for you to learn what will happen when you stop being a total people pleaser.

My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com slash drlaura and instagram.com slash drlauraprogram.

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