My Husband's Priorities Are Screwed Up!
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Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you. What can I help with? Well, I just have a question about a couple. So we've been married. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years, and we have three adult children that are out of the home.

And in the last couple of months, there has been, and I happened to just come upon it, but a text message between my husband and a female colleague who's also married. It wasn't anything that was scandalous, but it was about personal issues and not about, like, work, even though it was a colleague.

And at that time, I told him that it made me uncomfortable. That was an uncomfortable feeling to see a conversation. And the way that she talked to him was very, like, not professional. Like, she used swear words in her reply that, you know,

Like not a professional colleague type text message. Well, then just yesterday he came home and he he said, I just want to be up front with you. I got another text message from so-and-so. And here it is. And and it was a video of her son, you know, snowboarding or something.

And so that night I told him, I said, I just feel it's inappropriate for you to be having a private, just the two of you, text message with a colleague that I'm not privy to. And it's personal. It's sharing your life with another female.

And he did not see where my concern... He said, it's totally innocent. Our marriage is strong. This isn't... You know, you're my number one. This is nothing. And I said to him...

If I were to have a private message that you didn't know anything about and I was taking up our family time, our time after work, texting, talking to somebody from work that you never met, that you don't know, that was a male, would that be bothersome to you? And he said, well, it would depend on the context of it. But my opinion is no matter what, it's inappropriate. And, and.

Yes. He's not taking any responsibility. And there's a problem. Has anything like this happened before in this marriage? No. And that's the thing I said, I, you know, and he, he, after talking for a while, he turned it around and said, you make me feel like I did something wrong. And I said, the answer is you did, you did something wrong. You have personal communications with a woman. You know, you don't have to prove anything to me.

You caught his ass. Okay. And he's trying to turn it back on you. Yeah, he did. Because that's defensive. He said, you make me feel like I did something wrong. Ann, I already said I know. Yeah. Okay. You don't have to convince me. Okay. And I'm sorry. Well, thank you.

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He said what he would do, he goes, well, I'll block them. And then he goes, but how's that going to affect my work relationship with this person? And then I said, you're more concerned about blocking them and what their reaction is going to be than what you did to me. That's right. Like they're feeling what they're feeling. You don't have to repeat it. That's correct.

Okay. Smart woman. Okay. Thank you. Well, how do I move forward? Like, because this has... Okay. You got, don't ask a question and then go on and on and on. Don't do that. I can't answer anything. Okay. So one thing at a time. Blocking. Okay. I don't know if he'll get another phone, but I don't think blocking is useful.

I believe having a conversation with her that you're privy to and she knows you're privy to, that we've been discussing personal things about our lives and our families and our homes and all of that. And this is wholly inappropriate. I'd like to go back to us being colleagues. That's the grown up and professional way to handle this. OK. With you present. And I think the three of you should be in a room or maybe also her husband.

That's how I think this needs to be handled with great, as they say in politics, with great transparency. Thank you. Okay. I agree with that. Let me finish my sentence. Let me finish my thought. Because you keep complaining. You can do that with your girlfriend or your mother. You don't need to do it with me. I already got it. Okay. I'm supporting you. Okay. If he's not willing to do that in your presence, then you have a huge problem. Okay.

Okay. I think that's a good idea. Yes. It has to be in your presence. We need to go back to our professional. Oh, I'm going to use a word that everybody likes. You ready? No. Boundaries. Yeah. We crossed a boundary between work and personal. Yeah. I love boundaries. Property line. Okay. So one more question. Go ahead. You feel like

You feel that there's a difference. Don't ask me about my feelings. Ask me about my opinions and my thoughts. Is your opinion that there is a difference between a man and a woman privately texting who are colleagues and a man and a man who have a text message back and forth who are colleagues? If you need to ask me that question, your husband is more manipulative than I thought. Okay. Okay.

All right. Well, that worries me. Yeah, that also came up. That was manipulative. That was manipulative. Yeah. Look, he's hot for her. I don't know if they screwed or not, but he clearly is hot for her and he got caught. And so he is being defensive. And that's what all this is about. OK. Wow. OK. I guess I need I needed to hear that. Yeah, I think you did. Thank you.

And the most brilliant thing you said to him was your priority. Your priority is in the wrong place. Yeah. Like why spend that energy? Yeah. I'm like, because it's sexually, emotionally satisfying. Wow. When, when I bring that up to him,

Like that kind of a statement. He says they're just colleagues. Like there's no he there's. OK, you tell me there's no and and colleagues. I know. I know. I know the truth. Quiet. Yes. Colleagues do not send personal missives back and forth behind their spouses backs. That's not what colleagues do. OK, thank you. You're welcome. My number.

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