Refresher: Cindy has an unloving mother...
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Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. And remember, you too can participate on my live radio program, Heard Weekdays, from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111.

Cindy, welcome to the program. Hello? Hi. Oh my gosh. Oh, okay, now I'm nervous. Oh, once you start talking, you'll forget about being nervous. What's happening? Okay, my question is, I wonder if it's okay to not invite my mom to my wedding. Okay, and the reason we wouldn't want old mom there is? Because I'm estranged from her because I feel like she was...

Kind of emotionally abusive to me when I was younger. Okay, how old are you now? I'm 28. And was your mother married to your dad? They got divorced when I was 16. Okay, and when did you leave home? I went to college, and then I came back, and I lived with her until I was 23, and then I moved out. Okay, and in all that time, what do you mean emotionally abusive? Can you give me...

Some examples so I can get a feel for it? Yeah, this is kind of painful to bring up. I know, but it's really important that you be able to talk it out. Okay. Well, when they first got divorced, she would...

She's very prideful, and she wouldn't take any responsibility for the divorce. And then she would blame the divorce on me because I wasn't a good enough daughter. So she actually said you're responsible for the divorce? It's your fault? Yeah, because I didn't take care of my dad enough. You didn't take care of your dad enough. What were you supposed to do?

Um, I don't know. I guess help cook, do chores, um, be closer to my dad. My dad worked a lot. You ever talk to your dad about your mom saying that? Um... Don't tell me you never talked to your dad. Come on. I have talked to my dad. He told me, um, he told me that it's not my fault, and he told me that, um...

He told me that no matter what, both of them still love me and that kind of stuff. Okay, so she lied to be mean. I guess so. Yeah. I think she was just prideful and she didn't want to admit that any of it was her fault. That's a nice way to put it. Okay, so since you left home again, what's been going on between you? Um...

Well, when I was still living with her, she used to call up all her friends and gossip about my dad and say that he was cheating on her in front of me, which I know it didn't happen because my dad was working all the time. Mm-hmm.

And she made me call up my dad's, like, female friends because she's jealous. She made me call them up to, you know, curse them out and stuff. Okay, so your mom is what somebody might call a bit of a whack job. Yes. All right, stop crying.

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It's time that you're able to be talking about this without crying. That doesn't mean that it doesn't bother you, but you have to be stronger now. You're 28. Okay. All right? Because your husband-to-be does not want to think that you still haven't learned to put this thing in its place. He doesn't want to spend the next 30 years with you, with you crying, going on and on about your mom in and out of your life.

I know. Okay, that's not fair to him. He wants to know that he's marrying somebody who has put that to bed. Your dad made a mistake in marrying her. Sorry. But your dad's a nice guy, right? Yes. Okay, so one out of two is not bad. So it's okay that I don't invite her? If you do not plan to have a relationship with her, then you don't invite her.

Okay. So do you plan to go in and out of trying to have a relationship with her in the future? No. Then what would be the point of inviting her? Now, do you like your fiancé's mom? She's kind of scary, but she's nice, I guess. How can you be scary and nice? I think she expects a lot out of me. Meaning what? Um...

She wants me to learn to cook better and do more chores around the house so I can take care of her son. You're shacking up with him? No. Good. She just wants to make sure you're going to be an old school good wife. Yeah, basically. Okay, well, when you're the mother of a son, you'll be thinking the same thing. Yeah, probably. You'll want some girl to make sure she takes good care of your baby boy. Okay.

Yeah, I understand where she's coming from, but it's a little intimidating. I'm kind of scared that I won't live up to her standards. Tell her that. Tell her, you know, I'm only 28. I can't be as good at all of this as you are. And I'm worried that you're going to think I'm not doing a good enough job. And that makes me worried. And she'll be very touched by you being open with that. Okay. Really? She'll be touched.

You know, I want to live up to your expectations. I want to be a good wife to your son. And I worry that I'm going to fail and you're not going to like me. And she's going to turn around and get real soft and mushy. Okay, I'll try that. But if you hide it and build up some resentment and don't talk about it, it's going to be a nightmare and you're going to have two mothers you don't want to invite to anything.

Okay. So bring her close to your bosom. Tell her the truth. You will not regret doing it if you do it in the way I say. You start out by saying, I want to be a great wife to your son. And I appreciate that you're giving me tips, but I'm a little scared that I'm just not going to be able to measure up. And she'll go, oh, no, no, it's okay. You're doing fine. Guarantee you, I bet you a dollar. That's going to be one of the first things she says.

Okay. So if you want her to start reassuring you, just get soft and go belly up.

All right. All right. So call me back anytime. My number 1-800-375-2872. Please join the growing number of listeners who have signed up for the Dr. Laura family. It's free. You get priority access to things like my call of the day podcast and my design store, which features jewelry, glass and knitted items. I personally design and handcraft myself.

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