Refresher: How Can Sarah Stop Getting So Down on Herself?
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Valid for 20% off site-wide. Standard exclusions apply. Valid March 5th, 2025 through May 30th, 2025. Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. Remember, you can hear my live radio program weekdays, 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph, 1-11.

Sarah, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for your time and taking my call. My pleasure. What can I do for you?

I'm calling to just humbly ask for your advice on dealing with constant negative thoughts that I have throughout the day that really sometimes paralyze me and inactivity and just make me isolate myself and want to isolate myself from others. I'm trying to understand the origin of

of these thoughts and to stop the thought. So you have no idea? You think you don't know where they come from? Well, I have a couple of ideas. Why don't you give me your couple of ideas?

The past 10 years have been full of a lot of trauma, personal trauma in my life. And that involved my mother dying shortly after I got married, my husband having a chronic illness right after that, my two best friends dying, and my wife.

My father having kidney failure, being a caregiver to four different family members as they aged and experienced dementia and chronic illnesses, pursuing a Ph.D., getting a full-time job, experiencing debt.

striving towards tenure, having a child. All of those things happened in the past 10 years. On top of that, when I was a child, my mother was chronically ill and was a drug user. And tell me what these thoughts are that paralyze you during the day.

When something good happens, like I see my son and I get happy about something he's done, I hear, this won't last. When I think about going home to see my son or my husband, I think you don't have anything to look forward to in life. When I think about caring for my son or doing something with friends, I think you're not strong enough to handle this. You're going to die.

to die. Your life isn't going to last that long. And how old are you? 43. So what do you think your lifespan likely is? I hope and plan to be here into my 80s. Okay, so you figure we have 40 years more. Mm-hmm. Okay, go ahead. So I just... Are you... Where are you now? Are you in your own house? Yes. Okay. Okay.

And that's another thing. It's very hard for me to be comfortable in my home, to relax in my home. Can you lie down on the floor for me? Say again? Lie down on the floor. Okay. All right. And put me on speaker. Stick the phone next to your ear. Okay. I want you on your back. All right. Your legs spread about a foot and a half from each other and your arms...

Not like you're flying sort of at 45-degree angle with your palms up. Okay? Okay. Tell me when you're okay. Yes. All right, so finish telling me these terrible thoughts. Go ahead. But don't move. Just stay there. You won't live to see your husband into old age and your grandchildren. Your life is meaningless. Your work is meaningless.

Okay, can you help me understand something? I get the, I'm going to be dead because everybody else sort of is. But what makes what you do meaningless? How did we get to what you do is meaningless because you're going to be dead? I don't know. I don't understand that. Well, try. Try. It doesn't make sense. It's not logic. Try. Try. We're not into logic right now. If I'm going to be dead, then I guess my work, I can't work. Right.

if I'm dead. No, but while you're alive, what makes the work you do when you're alive not meaningful? How does the fact that you're going to be dead one day diminish the value of what you're doing while you're not dead? It does not. Well, it does to you, so I need you to, even if it sounds stupid to you, I need you to try to

Because I can tell you're a very intelligent person, so to let yourself go into silly places is not that easy, right? I get that. But you've got to take me there anyway. Okay. Repeat the question. Sure. How does knowing the fact is you are going to be dead? That's not something you need to fear. That's something you need to know. You are going to be dead, so am I, so is everybody. Yes. You've experienced more dead people.

than most people. Yes. And you're traumatized by it. Yes. And so you figure, why do shit? I'm going to be dead. Yes. But I want to understand how that gets you to what you do is not meaningful because you're going to be dead. That's like saying Einstein's work is not meaningful because he's dead. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that is crazy. Yes. It's not logical. No. So take me into the illogic of it. Help me out.

The work you do is not meaningful because you're going to be dead because? Because I don't think I'm valuable. Don't ask me questions. You don't get to ask questions anymore. You get to make statements. Because I don't think I'm valuable. And how did we get from you're going to be dead to not valuable? I need to find the connection. I don't know the connection yet. I mean, you're clearly valuable to your husband, your kid, whoever else is not dead. You're valuable to them.

So my question is, what is there that's not valuable? What are you talking about? Managing your health can be difficult, but pharmacy delivery from Walmart now makes it easier. Whether you're down with a sinus infection, have a chronic condition, or just a time crunch, choose Express Delivery and your meds will be at your door in as fast as an hour. Prescriptions delivered fast. Welcome to your Walmart.

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I don't know. You've got to come up with something, even if you think it's stupid. Please, just come up with something. As a child, I came home every day to my mother in bed, and I was by myself. And I was never paid attention to or talked to or asked what was going on. I was alone. So I felt...

like I didn't exist, like I didn't matter. I didn't feel valuable. That's excellent. Now let me explain something. You did a good job there. See, you thought you couldn't. You were wrong. You did a great job. There's the child's mind and there's the adult mind. An adult coming home and seeing mother sprawled out on the couch, not interacting,

would say, what a dream, and go do something. A child coming into that situation, because at that level of development, we are all extremely egocentric, and we need to be. Like a baby bird, constantly screeching, so that it'll get fed. So we're at that stage of development where we need to be fed, or we end up like an adult, like you. So, what we've got to do is...

We can't do all the problems at the same time, so let me just pick one thing at a time. Maybe we'll get to two. All right? Okay. Okay. You can close your eyes now. Okay. Your hands are palms up, right? Yes, ma'am. Good. Okay. Okay. First thing we have to do is when you were little, your mother was the measure of whether you were valuable. Correct? Yes. Who do we give that job to now?

Myself. No. My husband, my child. Okay. Okay. Any friends? Yes. Any friends still alive? Say again? Any friends still alive? Yes. Yes. Good. How about any nice relatives who like you? Are they still alive? Yes. Okay. So they like you. So we have people now who can fulfill the role of

that your mother did not fulfill then? Yes. Good. Okay. So at this point, if you say you're not meaningful, you're either lying or insulting everybody who cares about you. Which one is it? I'm lying. Yeah, you're lying. It's not true. It's not true. It wasn't true when you were little, but you had a child's mind, and in the child's mind, that was a very rational conclusion to draw. Yes. And I would have ripped your mother's head off saying...

Your kid needs you. It isn't about you. It's about her. Yes. So the conclusion you came to, to me, is very reasonable. It's just that it has nothing to do with now. Yes, you're right. So the next time that thought comes into your mind, you have to say, that's a lie. Good. Yes, I will. I have my husband. I have my son. I have friends. I have relatives. Yes.

I've got Dr. Laura Schlesinger, who thinks I'm meaningful enough to spend all of this time. Yes, thank you. Your eyes are closed, right? Yes. Okay. Now the second part, the dead part. I don't use this term lightly, but you are profoundly traumatized by all the loss. Mm-hmm. Profoundly. And you spend too much time in your own head. Yes. So you have to be wise enough, which you are, to understand that

that you've got to get out of your head when your head goes to that place. I don't care if it's the middle of the night, in the afternoon. I'm going to tell you what I do that gets me immediately out of my head because I've had my profound traumas too. I sometimes get caught in my head and it wants to drag me down to a dark, bad place, just like yours does.

Okay, so I want to say that because I want you to understand I understand, not just as a therapist, but as a human being. Yes, thank you. So I can instantly, and I mean within one second, get out of that place. I turn on Motown music. No, seriously. Yeah. Seriously. There is no time.

I turned on the Motown music and it really needs to be Motown. It was a wonderful time in music. It was about love songs. You understood the lyrics. Makes you dance. Yes. It takes me totally away. And so I have Motown on my little iPod, you know, the tiny little thing where you can store music, which amazes the crap out of me that you can do that. I still don't understand technology. How can I be in that small little thing?

I turn it on and I'm dancing. I am dancing. If I'm on the car and I start thinking stupid stuff, hit Sirius XM 006 60s. Okay, great. And I'm screaming music at the top of my lungs. What could you do? Music is very important to me. And yes, that does that for me. What music?

All kinds of music. Today I was listening to Justin Timberlake, Bruno Mars, and it got me moving and shaking and it felt good. And I said that same thing to myself. This is a good distraction. This is where I need to go. I feel good. I'm moving. No, no. It's better than a distraction. You could turn on the TV for distraction.

It's better than a distraction. It elevates your soul. You're right. It's enlivening. Yes. It touches your heart. Yes. Distraction is just that, but it doesn't touch your heart. You're right. Thank you. That's important. So, Carson, I need you to drag up some of that, whatever she said, because I don't know who those people are. I think Justin Timberlake was in some movie about time. I like that movie. We're going to play some music.

And while... Okay, Carson, hold that for a second. Hold it for a second. Okay, this is what I need you to do, Sarah. Okay. I don't want you to get scared or upset, but I want you to go to that bad, dark place. Okay. And tell me when you're there. Take your time. I want it really bad. Okay, yeah. Really bad? Yes. I can hear it. How do you feel right now? Completely different. Okay.

elevated. I need you to make a promise with me. I will make the promise with you. We will make the same promise. Okay. Between now and dead, which will happen, you and I are going to dance. Yes. I promise. I promise too. Okay. I want you to listen to me first, hang up the phone, and then I want you to lay like that for five minutes.

With your eyes closed. Okay. Okay. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Be sure to check out my website at drlaura.com. It's mobile friendly, has a clean cut design, easy to navigate. And you can sort my calls of the day, YouTube videos, emails of the day, and blogs by topic with just one click. It's all at drlaura.com.

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