Refresher: I Haven't Let Go of My Father's Hate
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Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. Remember, you can hear my live radio program weekdays 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Tricia, welcome to the program.

Thank you. Thank you. What's up? So I come from what I think is somewhat of an abusive relationship and maybe not the same abuse that you would think of as someone hurting somebody, but more of a verbalized abusive relationship by my father. Wait a minute. I'm a little confused by everything you just said. Okay. An abusive thing saying, I hate you, I'm going to kill you.

Those are words, but that's abusive. You're stupid, you're dumb, you're ugly. Those are words. Yes. They're abusive. Yes. I mean, so I'm not sure because you said it wasn't abusive, it was words. Well, words can be used to abuse. It wasn't like he was hitting me. Yes, he wasn't like hitting me in any sort of way. Dear, that's physical abuse. Mm-hmm.

Sure. Oh, I recognize this abuse. Absolutely. Excellent. Okay, go ahead. Yep, go ahead. Okay. One of the most abusive things he would always say to me is that I'll never make anything out of myself or my life. And I strive, I'm 50 years old now, and I strive to make something out of my life. But recently my father passed away.

And what I'm struggling with is that I don't know if I ever was that successful person or I am before he passed that he could have thought I was. You know what I mean? It's something that I struggle with every day for some reason. What's success? What would have been success in his eyes?

And because of all this, I find that I'm not married. Tell me when it's my turn. Tell me when it's my turn. Hello, I know you hear me talking. Unless your hearing aids are off. Okay, you didn't hear me talking. All those seconds? Really? No, no. Didn't hear anything. Okay. Okay, then how about we take turns saying your turn. Because you covered so much. I wanted to comment, but I couldn't. And I was trying to be helpful. Okay, first of all,

How old were you in your imagination, in your memory, when he first said that? 14. Okay. Now try to be rational for a moment because you've wasted a lot of your life with this. You should have called me 20 years ago. This is just a shame that you have absolutely categorically wasted your life. You were 14. Do you believe your dad had experienced time travel? Yes or no? That's all I want is a yes or a no.

No. Okay. Do you believe he was psychic? All I want is yes or no. No. Then tell me logically, rationally, no emotion. How would he know how you would turn out? Always so fresh, delicious, and nutritious. Eglin's best eggs fuel the body with six times more vitamin D, 10 times more vitamin E, and 25% less saturated fat compared to ordinary eggs. Visit eglinsbest.com to learn more.

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Substance use disorder and addiction is so isolating. And so, as a Black woman in recovery, hope must be loud.

It grows louder when you ask for help and you're vulnerable. It is the thread that lets you know that no matter what happens, you will be okay. When we learn the power of hope, recovery is possible. Find out how at startwithhope.com. Brought to you by the National Council for Mental Well-Being, Shatterproof, and the Ad Council.

He continued the abuse through me being 47 years old. He continually... Okay, you didn't do what I asked you to do. Unfortunately, when people hold on to a hurt for 30, 40, 50, 60 years, it becomes almost a part of them, and they don't want to give it up. So they fight me when they call me, and they gabble on about something else and keep throwing things at me because it's such a part of you that you wouldn't know what the hell to do.

If you didn't have this to fret about every day. What an occupation. What do you do for a living? I fret every day about what my mean dad said when I was 14. He wasn't psychic. He wasn't a time traveler. So ultimately he could not know anything.

what I would turn into being and what I would be successful at or not. He had no way of knowing. Whoa. If he had no way of knowing, then why would he say that? And I have the answer. Do you want to hear the answer? Yes, please. Because your dad was a mean self-hating bastard. I'm going to repeat that.

Since he was not a time traveler and he wasn't psychic, the reason he told you that at 14 is because he was a mean self-hating. That's the important part. Self-hating bastard. Now at 14, you knew he was mean. You weren't trained as a psychotherapist to know that that came from self-hatred. He was not a success in his mind.

And so tearing down other people made him feel wonderful. So nowhere along the line from 14 to 51, did anybody say anything like this to you? If you spent every day suffering over this, you haven't been to a therapist who within the first 20 minutes would have said, is he psychic? Is he a time traveler? Then there was no way for him to know what you would be.

He didn't have a definition of success. The guy is finally dead and you're carrying the mantle now. What would he have called success? Nothing. He wasn't interested in your success. He was only interested in his self-hate, which he took out on you because you were a willing victim. Look at you at 51, still embracing it, even though the bastard is dead.

Your turn. Understood. I understand what you're saying. I understand what I need to do. I just got to get there. What do you need to do? I need to recognize that he was a hateful man, which I do know. And I need to understand that I defined success. Why did you wait till 51? Continued abuse. I was scared of him. You're 51. He can't send you to your room without supper.

Think of all the decades you wasted since 14. Now let me tell you one other thing. I will be arrogant enough to define success to you, for you. You will know you're successful the day you spend no time thinking about this. Anything else you do is fun and chuckles. But you will only be a successful person and woman when you spend an entire day not thinking of this.

Until then, you're not. Until then, you're not. It's up to you. So if you wake up and it occurs to you, oh, I have to be successful by my father's definition. He didn't have one. He was just a mean, self-hating bastard. Can I hear you say that, please? My father was a mean, self-hating bastard. Can I hear you say that, please? Sure. My father was a mean, self-hating bastard.

Eh. I believe that. Didn't have enough feeling in it. Try it again. My father was a mean, self-hating bastard. Can you sound like you're angry, please? Go ahead. My father was a mean, self-hating bastard. And I am just fine. And I'm just fine. Yes, and you always have been just fine. Always. You have always been just fine.

But you won't be a success until you bury him. Understood. Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger, my number 1-800-

375-2872. Please join the growing number of listeners who have signed up for the Dr. Laura family. It's free. You get priority access to things like my Call of the Day podcast and my design store, which features jewelry, glass, and knitted items I personally design and handcraft myself. You also get our newsletter, The Daily Dose, and... Substance use disorder and addiction is so isolating. Yeah.

And so as a black woman in recovery, hope must be loud. It grows louder when you ask for help and you're vulnerable. It is the thread that lets you know that no matter what happens, you will be okay. When we learn the power of hope, recovery is possible. Find out how at startwithhope.com. Brought to you by the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, Shatterproof, and the Ad Council.