Refresher: Should Stephanie sleep with her boyfriend?
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Go to quince.com slash doctor for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash doctor to get free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash doctor. Time now for a refresher from my Dr. Laura Call of the Day archives. Remember, you can hear my live radio program weekdays, 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111.

Stephanie, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. I've been dating a gentleman for about a year and a half. We have chosen not to be physically intimate until we get married. How old are you? How old is he? I'm 32. He's 42. Has he been married before? No.

Yes, he has. He is a widower. His wife died about 10 years ago from cancer. Any children? He has a 16-year-old and a 14-year-old, and I don't have any children. So you've never listened to the program before?

I have listened to the program, but I believed I was doing things right. I know your stance on not dealing with someone who has younger children. It's not a stance. It's a statistical reality. I told you that you had over a 70% chance of dying if you got on that plane because it was going to crash. Would you get on the plane? No. No.

Well, you have an over a 70% chance of being divorced, marrying a guy with kids. It's not death, but it could be misery. Just throwing that in there. I know it won't matter. So he's had sex before. Have you had sex before? I have. Yes.

And so the two of you decided, both of you decided, or you made this proclamation or he made it? Who made it? We both decided. I think it was something that I definitely initiated. And then he felt like it was a good idea. We wanted to try to do things the right way. Yeah, we're already not getting married with minor kids. But putting that aside.

Uh, you wanted to not have, so I mean, you guys, do you kiss? Do you fondle each other? You do anything? We, we have kissed, we've kissed, but that's it. No fondling, heavy petting, nothing like that. Okay. Okay. So what can I help you with today? Well, so we're going, um, uh, we're going away, um, for, um, this next weekend, like Valentine's and, um,

He has asked me, he said that basically said that he wants to have sex and just before we get married to see if we are physically compatible because we are, you know, emotionally compatible. What is physically compatible actually mean and how do we discern that on a weekend?

I guess if it's, you know, if the sex is good, thumbs up. If not, you know, call it quits. Like, I don't know. Okay, so if he's nervous about it and can't get it up, then you give him the ring back. Is that correct? I think he's probably, I don't know. Stephanie? Stephanie? Stephanie! Do you realize how incredibly stupid this is for you to buy this crap? There's no way to find out if you're compatible on a weekend.

And married couples rarely are totally compatible. It takes years for them to learn about each other's bodies, to be able to communicate, to say what they like, what they don't like, to play. It takes time. And within the commitment, there is the time. This weekend, before we marry, and we have a wedding date, do we actually have a wedding date? We do not. Yes, I'm not surprised about that. Look at me. I'm not surprised you don't have a wedding date. How big is the diamond? How big is the diamond?

It's two carat. Okay. So we've got a two carat diamond. Do you know what it costs? I do not. Yeah, I'm just curious as to how much you was willing to commit without seeing if you were compatible in bed. There's no way you can figure out if you're compatible in a weekend. Well, I felt that way too. It's not a feeling. It's not a feeling. Compatible usually means do we have a reasonably equal sex drive? We can't find that out in a weekend. Do we like to do the same kinky things?

I guess unless you've discussed them, we're not going to find that out in a weekend either. If he says, I really want to involve small farm animals, I mean, that would probably toss this. But a lot of this you can talk about and know. So, I don't know. You don't have a date. Why is that? Curling up on the couch for a movie is one of my favorite ways to end the day. Lily's always right there with me. And we have a new addition to our movie nights. The fluffiest...

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Thank you.

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I think I've been reluctant to set one only because I wanted to make sure that... I just recently met his children about four or five months ago, and I wanted to make sure that, you know, they were okay. And you're not going to make sure of that. And they're not, because they're going to be very different after the wedding. Because then you're going to think you're an authority figure, and they're going to know you are not. And he...

Being older and their father is going to tell you in no uncertain ways, he's the one who decides the discipline. He's the one who decides what's right or wrong. You are not entering this as equals as a mother and father raising these kids. If you have a fantasy about that, you're smoking some funny dope. You are going to be the 14th wheel and you get to make no decisions about the kids.

I have a suggestion. Rather than seeing how the humping goes on the weekend, why don't you do six to nine months of premarital counseling where you discuss all these things, where he will tell you you are not the authority. So you will not be an authority person in your own home with their boys? Boy and girl. You're not going to be the authority figure in your own home with the boy and the girl. I understand. I hope you do.

I do. Because the divorce rate so escalated is because typically women, men on the other side when the woman has the kids, typically don't get it. They actually think they're going to be the mother. They actually think they're going to co-parent. They actually think because they had a couple of meetings with the kids at dinner and in the park that the kids are going to be good to go. Right. When you have a ring and they hardly knew you. So I would suggest bypass the weekend Valentine's Day trip

and use that money for six to nine months of premarital counseling, dealing with issues of children and money and sex. You're 32. I just don't want you to waste your childbearing years in a situation which may not play out the way you hope. I think that's very sound advice. I appreciate it. Thank you. Additionally...

Do they go back and forth between him and their mother? Their mother is deceased. So it's just... So he has full custody. He has full custody, yes. Well, that's one less difficulty. Right. Well, and I think, honestly, I think he... I'm sorry.

No, go ahead. I was saying he feels like I am a great role model and, you know, mother figure type, all of that. And I think that is. Yeah, I'm sure that's true. And I'm sure he misses his wife. And I'm sure he sees you as the substitute who will take over. And I'm sure there are emotional things going on in him that you haven't even thought about.

But I'm here to tell you, talk to five women who've married guys with kids and ask them if any one of them feels any power or respect. Just do that little test. Just find five women. Go onto a website. Put up a question. Good idea. Good idea. I would not advise this. I think it's swell if you want to date him, but I think you should find somebody with no prior kids, no prior wife. Get married and make a bunch of kids. Okay.

At about the same age as you. Right. Because we live longer. Yeah. You know, I guess I felt like there's so, when dating nowadays is so awful, I hate it. And I, to find someone who was okay with waiting was, you know, to me like a godsend. Yeah, but there's no date for the wedding and now he wants to find out in a weekend if you're compatible. That doesn't scare you? That really, obviously it does because it made you call me.

Right, right. I would be very offended by that. And I would say to him, so if you can't get it up because you're nervous, it's over?

Yeah. I told him I was offended. Offended by it. I don't have an instant orgasm. Is it over? Right. Right. We're supposed to be compatible in our first time. That only happens in movies. God, it looks so good. They hardly know each other. And they get into a shower and there's water everywhere. And they're hugging and breathing hard and exploding at the same time. It's really great. Right. Yeah, because they follow the script. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah.

Well, I appreciate your advice, and I have heard you loud and clearly. Just want to protect you. I appreciate that, and I knew I could get, you know, you don't always get good advice from family members when they say, well, he's this and that, he can take care of you, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, they're thinking of money. I get it. Security. I'm thinking of how long this marriage is likely to last. Right. And one more thing.

Your mommy is dead. Your daddy is going to marry some woman you barely know. She seems nice. All of a sudden, she's making babies. Now, she's going to love that baby more than she's going to love us. And daddy may love that baby more than he loves us. So you see how the future brings emotions that you don't anticipate? If I were one of those two kids and you married my daddy and started grinding out kids, I think I'd be unhappy about it.

You know what, you saying that just kind of broke my heart and it kind of let a light bulb go off. I would hate for them to ever feel that way. Well, how could they not? They're kids. They want to be special to their dad. They already lost their mom. And who the hell are you? You're right. You're absolutely right. Turns out, statistically speaking, it's better if he doesn't marry until they're grown for their psychological well-being. Yeah, it's been almost 11 years. So they were...

Yeah, I understand that. But until they're grown, it's a far better thing because look what we would be up against. Right. You don't want to wait having babies until you're 80. No, I do not. Although I did wake up when I turned 60 and decided I want to have a baby, but evidently that was not possible.

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