What If Canada Actually Joins the U.S.??
20:33 Share

Hello and welcome to the TLDR podcast, a show about the culture, gossip, and business of money. And this week, why would we want to be your 51st date anyway?

My name is Devin Friedman. I am here with my co-host and a special guest. Matt Karras is the director of product for WellSimple, our sponsor. Matthew, is your Christmas tree up, decorated, and trimmed? Oh yeah, it is lit. It's a highly consumerist Christmas tree. We have these glass-blown Disney character ornaments all over the tree, like Popeye and olive oil. The traditional Christmas Popeye.

Sarah Rieger is the markets and business correspondent for the TLDR newsletter. Sarah, what are you doing holiday decoration wise? I just got a Christmas tree topper that I'm super excited about, which is a biblical angel. So it's this terrifying thing covered in eyeballs that's quite unsettling.

So it's more of like a Old Testament sort of God Christmas tree. Serious business. No fun decor here. Christmas tree of punishment. And joining us as she does every holiday season is Stacey Grenrock-Woods.

Stacey is a former Daily Show correspondent and the writer of some of the best jokes in any North American country. You may know her from such hits as the FOMO Index and the TLDR Newsletter. Stacey, how are you? Oh, thank you, Devin. I'm great. It's great to be here.

Can you tell us a little bit about how a joke gets written? Okay. It's like, you know, when Michelangelo is sculpting and there's a figure inside a piece of marble, the joke is in there somewhere. And I just sit and stare at it for about an hour and then it reveals itself to me and I carve around it and get it down to 20 words.

So there's just a big hunk of news. And inside that news is the joke that should be there. It's already there. It's already there. So you're just like, you're not an author. You're an instrument of the divine. I'm a vessel, yes. You're a vessel. We have a really fun show. It's our holiday episode. We are going to be on hiatus on Christmas and New Year's. And our podcast would normally come out. And we will see you again the first week of January.

But this week, it's a festive week. We're going to talk about whether Canada should be insulted at being offered to be the 51st state. We are going to talk about the biggest news events of the year, and we are going to take a quiz to see how well we remember those news events. All right. We're going to start with you, Matthew. Who is making and losing money that is interesting to you this holiday season? Well, it's

Well, it sort of pains me to talk about this, but I think we have to like the biggest question rolling around on the Internet over the last week or so was how much money Canada would make or lose and whether it was a good or a bad deal for it to become the U.S. 51st state.

After, of course, Donald Trump made that tweet and started another faux controversy. Yeah, you know, he set us up and of course we took the bait like we always do. So he suggested that Canada become the 51st state.

Which is like, you know, a little offensive. Sarah, you think maybe not the most helpful comment? Not the most helpful, a little mean. But I have a hot take about this, which is I think the U.S. should let Canada in so we can vote in your elections. Because your country has so much influence over ours already, whether it is trade, the fact that we're reliant on your military for defense.

I say give each of our provinces a bunch of those little electoral college votes. Let us participate. Yeah, if you have to deal with the results in a very real way, you should have some representation, right? So the thing about this conversation, though, was like,

people on the internet, were acting like people on the internet, and they got on and were basically like, you know what? Canada would be a terrible 51st state. Like, they should be so lucky. The audacity. Yeah, the thing that really got me, it brought back up this chart that people love to throw around of how productivity in Canada and the U.S. were, like, rising similarly, and then a couple of years ago, they diverged, and, like, the implication being that, like, Canada is now some unproductive and poor waste plant, and

And like America would like not want it as a 51st state. I've hated that chart for a while. And so it like really got me a little riled up. And so I called my friend ChachiBT and I started doing what I like to do. And I asked him to make me a chart and say, like, if Canada was the 51st U.S. state, how would it stack up in terms of things like population, production, wealth, quality of life? And the results are pretty interesting.

I love that we're a podcast where, like, you don't have to use AI. We'll use AI for you. Matthew, did you use any more strenuous, rigorous research than merely chat GPT? Yeah, Brennan, our diligent fact checker, did a lot of legwork to make sure. Yeah, Brennan should be mentioned on the podcast more. He is the secret ingredient that makes us all sound like we know what we're talking about. All right, let's get into it and let's indulge.

the internet trolls first and talk about the chart that you hate and the stats that would seem to indicate that Canada would be a crappy state. So like, look, it's a case where the data is actually true. While Canada would be, you know, the biggest and most populous U.S. state, its output would only be around, you know, the fourth biggest. So it would trail California, Texas, New York, and

What's sort of interesting is, though, is that in terms of output per person, remember it was the most populous state, but it didn't have the highest output. In terms of output per person, it would actually be dead last as a U.S. state. What? Yeah, even worse than Missouri, Mississippi. It would also rank dead last in terms of income per person. I feel like this is a thing that comes up all the time in Canada as people kind of talk wishfully about moving to the states because of higher incomes, but...

I assume that isn't necessarily the case when you look at overall well-being and cost of living, like say the healthcare. Right. You might make less money, but you might need less money.

Yeah, so this is exactly right. I dug into this a little bit more. And even if you're just sticking on the income point, a lot of that is not driven by anything like Canada specific. It's actually just driven by currency, which the US dollar has been rising really fast versus every other currency in the world. And if you exclude that impact and just count Canada's output or its income to the US as in local currency terms, Canada is a higher output than any US state. It

It has, you know, higher income. It's, you know, in the top 15 percent or so. And when you, you know, account for how unequal the U.S. is and you just sort of pick a random Canadian off the street and a random American out of every state, that random Canadian, the median Canadian household, has more wealth and would make more income than any of the ones in the U.S. It's maybe worth mentioning also.

One of the reasons that median wealth in Canada is probably higher than the U.S. is because so much of our wealth is tied up in housing, which is great for anyone who bought a home, say, decades ago. But for current housing affordability, maybe not the most awesome reason to live here. Yeah. Canada's housing is like more unaffordable than the U.S. on average, and it is more unaffordable than any U.S. state, even like the crazy ones like California and Hawaii. So that is one area that I guess it's as

As you're saying, Sarah, a double edged sword. And so anyways, I think that this just made me think that there's like a little bit of a more nuanced story than like Canada poor. Canada would be a bad state. Yeah. Like how much worse would things get for Canada if it got subsumed and had to live the way Americans live? You know, like that's the other question.

Yeah. And so, I mean, that's where a lot of the other factors that I looked at came in. And mostly, you know, these other factors remind you just how prosperous and great Canada is. Make us feel good, Matthew. Tell us some stuff. How dilutive it might be to get tacked into those United States. What about stuff like being healthy, being happy, you know, stuff that supposedly is the reason you have money in the first place?

Well, by those measures, Canada is also a much better state.

Canada has a higher life expectancy than any U.S. state. It has a lower murder rate than a U.S. state. It's possible that it's related to, you know, how much lower gun ownership is in Canada than in the U.S. It's also possible that it's a reflection of how much cheaper health care is. It's also possible that just because people in Canada are so much taller than people in the U.S., the average height in Canada would be higher than in a U.S. state. Ooh, tallest North American country. Yeah.

But I think, Matthew, what you're getting at here is that a lot of the statistics that you see thrown around, it's a little cherry-picked. At a minimum, it's probably being cherry-picked.

It seems like it's being misinterpreted. Yes, exactly. My main takeaway from this is that it's just another sign that I don't want to live on the Internet. But my other takeaway is that living in Canada seems pretty good. They probably want to think twice about becoming a state. Personally, I'm much more interested in which states Canada could annex. I have two on my wish list. Yeah, which would you pick? Okay, so number one is Alaska. Huge fan. Very pretty. Also, naturally, should probably be part of Canada. It makes a lot of sense. Yeah.

Also, in Alberta, it would give us a way to go up to the coast that way. Very lovely. You just want beach access. Yeah. And speaking of beach access, Florida, I find their politics very iffy right now, and I'd like to see an alligator. They seem kind of cool.

And it's warm. So you basically be doing to America and Alaska. Yeah. I was going to think that you would probably go for the most Canadian state, like, you know, the border states that sort of maybe a little bit more Canadian feeling like a Minnesota or. I could say Montana, but Montana is basically Alberta. Like why? I'm not going for more of the same. I'm like, let's branch out a little, see what we can bring in. You're talking about diversifying. Yeah. It's as any good portfolio.

In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada.

Okay, and now the moment that you have all been waiting for, that you've been studying for, is the FOMO News Quiz. It is the star turn for our chief comedy correspondent, Stacey Grenrock-Woods. Stacey, are you ready? I'm ready. Are you guys ready to be quizzed? I'm so ready. Sarah, are you excited? I'm just nervous. I want to hold on to my title since I think I've won the quiz before.

Oh, really? You think maybe? I can't remember, but I think I won it last year. I might have. Okay, here we go. FOMO year-end quiz, question one. The new Taylor Swift-focused law course at Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario is called A, Sue It Off, B, Hi, It's Me, I'm Your Lawyer, It's Me, C, Law, Taylor's Version, or D, The Tortured Barrister's Department.

These are such good answers. I know. Who wrote this? A joke chiseler wrote this. A joke chiseler. These are finely chiseled. I mean, I wish it was called the Tortured Barristers Department, but it seems much more likely that it's Law Taylor's version. Yeah, I'm going to say Law Taylor's version, too. Also, I can't believe this is a real course. It is a real course. I have to say, hi, it's me. I'm your lawyer. It's me. That is certainly incorrect, but because it is the best joke, I'm choosing it.

Thank you, Devin. But it is C, Law Taylor's version. All right, moving on. What will new CEO Brian Nicol be bringing back to Starbucks? A, BOGO deals. B, your name written on the cup in Sharpie. C, shaken teas. D, unlocked restrooms. Or E, the Shantico.

The name written on the cup, I believe. Yeah, I think it's name on the cup. They're trying to make it less corporate feeling and bring back the roots of Starbucks. I also feel like there's unmatched marketing potential in the like badly written name. Like if it gets screwed up so deeply, like you want to post that picture. You Instagram it. Yeah, true. I do. I think Shantico had one of the greatest summer jams. So I would like to vote for Shantico.

But I'm going to go with Sharpie as well. You're right. You're all right. It's name written on the Sharpie. And unfortunately for me and Devin, it's not the Chantico because that was a delicious drink. You get a name for the order? Adam. Alan. Got it. Next one.

Michael Jordan's 56,000 square foot, seven acre house in Highland Park, Illinois, A, has finally sold after 12 years or B, remains on the market after 12 years and a $14 million price drop. I'm going price drop. Yeah, I think it's still in the market. Yeah, everyone's having trouble selling their real estate in Chicago. Even Ken Griffin is having some trouble. You guys need to get those Michael Jordan Google alerts because it just sold.

Wow. I believe we were dunked on by facts. You were.

Okay. One of the new toonies released by the Canadian Mint this year is in the shape of A, a guitar, B, a polar bear, C, a maple leaf, or D, a donut? I'm going donut. Say guitar. I'm going maple leaf. Sarah, you're right. It's a guitar. And there's a bonus question. What kind of guitar? A Gibson Stratocaster 397 electric guitar with pedal pumpers. Okay.

Pedal pumpers. Is a Fender a type of guitar? A Fender is a type of guitar. I think you should get a quarter point for that. It's a Fender Jazzmaster. Ooh, no, she gets a point. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Move on. What's next? I want to get one right already. The

I'm stuck on the part of this where it was long-awaited. Long-awaited by whom?

The people who wait for things like that. Crocs are collectibles, man. I'm going Hidden Valley Ranch. Okay. Some of these just make too much sense to me. Like, of course, there's a ranch partnership with Crocs. Bath and Body Works. I'll do Bath and Body Works, too. You're all wrong. It's Krispy Kreme. But I'm glad you took the bait, Devin, for Hidden Valley Ranch, because I thought that was the most ridiculous one.

All right. Speaking of Bath and Body Works, they recently had to apologize for selling A, candles that look like KKK hoods, B, bathrobes that look like KKK hoods, or C, collagen sheet masks that look like KKK hoods.

What is a collagen sheet mask? It's like a face, a facial thing that you buy at Sephora. I've seen some of those robes that look like KKK hoods on like children. I think that they were innocent children, but maybe they were just bad ones. But this collagen face mask thing seems like a problem. The thing is, you can't make a collagen sheet mask that looks like a KKK hood. It would have to be quite intentional. Yes. Okay, so what are your answers?

I'm just trying to picture the candle. The rope seems too obvious, but the candle, I'm like, what would it have been trying to be? I'm good with robe. I feel like that's obvious. I think it's going to be the collagen sheet mask. I'm going to go with, I don't remember any of the answers, but I'm going to go with A. Okay. A was candles. Devin, you're right. It's candles. Go, Devin. And good thinking about the sheet mask. That didn't work, but I threw that in there because it has the word sheet. And it's meant to confuse you. Oh.

Okay, next question. Root vegetable, harp, leafless tree, fingerprint, shovel, purple splatter, and Sark Island flag are all what? It sounds like a winter soldier activation phrase.

Do we get a multiple choice here? No, you just have to say what they are. They're all a vibe. Okay, that's technically true. Or to even go further back, things that make you go, hmm? Ooh. Okay, colors at Sherwin-Williams. Thinking about something that happened in the news this year. I was just like proposed new emojis.

Ooh, that's a really good guess. All right. Sarah, you're not totally right. They are actual new emoji. Whoa. I guess technically they were proposed at one time. Sarah's cheating. I don't know. And she got it a little bit wrong to try to make it seem more plausible. Tactical. She's so playing chess. I'm playing tic-tac-toe. I'm playing.

Quick question, and then we'll get right back on track. Were you someone in school who was more likely to be cheated off of or to cheat from someone else's paper? Are you asking Sarah or me? Open question.

Cheated off of. I think I was more likely to cheat if I'm being honest. This is the first time you're being honest. Matthew is a thousand, thousand percent someone I would cheat off of. I would cheat off Matthew probably. Clearly not doing so hot in this kind of quiz. Well, not on the news quiz. Yeah. The problem is that school does not prepare you all that well for life because life throws you questions like this. The FOMO quiz is life.

Okay, next question. Who was inducted into the Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame this year? A. Katie Lang B. Gordon Lightfoot C. Sarah McLachlan D. Alanis Morissette E. Robbie Robertson or F. All of the above.

I don't think it's all the above because some of those people definitely had to have already been in the Hall of Fame. Yeah, like there's no way Gordon Lightfoot wasn't in there already, right? By the way, that was my favorite Canadian singer. So good. My dad used to listen to Gordon Lightfoot when I was a little kid. I have a QR code on the back of my car that when you scan it, it just plays Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Such a good song. I'm going with Robbie Robertson because I feel like everyone else already was there. I don't know.

I don't know who any of these people are. Alanis Morissette. You know who Alanis Morissette is? I don't think so, man. Isn't it ironic that he doesn't know? So ironic. I do think the rest were... I think... Is it Sarah McLachlan? Because I feel like the rest had to have been in there. Sarah McLachlan's... She's been there. Matthew, what are you saying? Gordon Whitefoot.

That's because I just like his name. I've never heard of any of these people. I'll make you a mixtape. He only listens to Broadway musicals. Devin, are you going with Robbie Robertson? I'm going with Robbie Robertson, yeah. The answer is C, Sarah McLachlan. Sarah again!

All right, Leah, producer and scorekeeper, it's time to find out who won. Sarah won again. How close was I? You were totally a contender, Matthew. You were in the top three. This is always my favorite episode, I have to say. Pretty great.

That is it for 2024. Sarah, what did we learn, not in the whole year, but just in the last 20 minutes or so? We learned that America would be very lucky to have Canada. And we learned that I think basically every company has partnered with Crocs. I am wearing my Hidden Valley Ranch creamy Crocs right now.

Thank you, everyone, for listening. Thanks for a great year. This show is sponsored by Wealthsimple. It is made by me, Devin Friedman, Matt Keres, Sarah Rieger, with Matilde Erfolino, Leah Fetter, Kat Angus, and Jared Sullivan. Help from Tom Johnson and Allison Hopkins. Fact-checking by Brennan Doherty. Theme music by Andy Huckbale. Engineering by Emma Munger. Special thanks this week to Stacey Woods. See you in a couple weeks in 2025.

The TLDR podcast is offered by Wealthsimple Media Incorporated and is for informational purposes only. The content in the TLDR podcast is not investment advice, a recommendation to buy or sell assets or securities, and does not represent the views of Wealthsimple Financial Corporation or any of its other subsidiaries or affiliates. Wealthsimple Media Incorporated does not endorse any third-party views referencing this content. More information at wealthsimple.com slash TLDR.