Flying, Hosting, Regifting, and More — All Your Holiday Etiquette Questions Answered
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Brett McKay here and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast. In an age where a lot of formalized decorum has vanished, the holidays are still a time with rules, traditions, and unspoken expectations. It's also a time of heightened social interactions and increased opportunities to demonstrate warmth, hospitality, and all-around gentlemanly politeness. Here to help us navigate the many scenarios for practicing good etiquette that the holidays present is Thomas Farley, aka Mr. Manners.

Today on the show, Thomas shares the neglected aspects of flying etiquette, how to be a non-annoying house guest, the paradoxes of party arrival punctuality, whether a dinner party host should accommodate the special dietary restrictions of guests, how to get lingering guests out of your home after a party, how to best navigate an office holiday party, the rules of regifting, guidelines for holiday tipping, and much more. After the show is over, check out our show notes at awim.is slash holidayetiquette.

All right, Thomas Farley, welcome back to the show. Brett, it's great to be here. Thanks for having me on. So you are Mr. Manners. You're an etiquette expert. We had you on last year to talk about etiquette and manners in general. I wanted to bring you back on because it's the holiday season and

And with the holiday season, there's a lot of opportunities to practice good etiquette. There's traveling, being a guest in someone's home, holiday parties, gifting, tipping. So we're going to just dig into holiday manners and etiquette. So let's start off with traveling for the holidays. And we're going to talk about two ever-burning questions of travel-related etiquette. The first one is if you're flying on a plane, who gets the armrest in the middle seat of an airplane? And then the second one, when is it okay to recline your seat?

Well, I am so glad and I'm hoping, Brett, I know you've got a great listenership that we can put this issue to rest once and for all. As someone who very often gets stuck in coach and sadly will often be in the middle seat, the middle seat passenger really is the one who not only answers,

needs, but all out requires those double armrests. So left and right armrest if you're sitting in a three-seater row. And the reason for this is, of course, the person on the aisle has a guarantee of at least one armrest. The person on the window has not just the window, but their right armrest. So if

It is the kind thing to do and I think the right thing to do. We do safety videos on airlines, but I wish they would also do etiquette videos because I think this is an area of a lot of debate. People feel, "Well, the armrest is there. I should be entitled to it." I'm 6'1". I can't tell you between the people reclining in front of me, the people taking both armrests if I'm in the middle seat. It just takes an already difficult and challenging experience, which is air travel.

makes it even that much worse. So both armrests to the middle seat passenger. All right, agree. Okay, without reclining your seat.

Yeah. Reclining is a little bit trickier. Of course, it depends on what class of the cabin you're sitting in, but presuming that you're seated in perhaps a low frills airline with very tight pitch, and we know, and all the statistics bear out, that the airlines have been gradually reducing the amount of leg room for all of their classes of cabin. I think it's important if you need to recline that you wait

until the appropriate time to do so. So in other words, not during meal service where coffee might spill onto someone's lap if you suddenly recline and to wait for the appropriate time during the flight. So if this is a red eye where most of the

plane is going to be attempting to get some sleep, reclining would be a far more commonplace thing and an understandable thing than these people who the second the plane reaches 30,000 feet and that light has gone off, people are craning back in their seat to the fullest extent. And what I don't like about it, it creates this domino effect. You know, you've now crashed into my knees. I've now got no choice but do the same to the person behind me. So reclining

The considerate thing to do really is to, if possible, kind of look over your shoulder and just indicate to the person behind you that you're about to ease back into a recline rather than just going for it and catching them by surprise. Okay, I love it. Any other points of travel related etiquette people could use refresher on?

You know, something, and I travel quite a lot, Brett. You know, as I think you know, I do workshops around the country. So I'm constantly in and out of airports. I live in New York. I feel like LaGuardia is my second home as my point of departure. Something I see quite a lot, and it really gets me every time, is an airline boarding program.

process where they'll announce now boarding group one, now boarding group two. And it seems like the entire population of that particular flight is crowding around the gate. And there's this term for this, which I don't know if you've heard, called gate lice. And although I don't love it, it's not very pleasant image. But this idea that people are creeping out around the gate and not

waiting for their gate to be called. So I believe American Airlines, in fact, has just introduced a new policy where they're going to be able to screen for that. And someone who tries to board their flight before their actual boarding group has been called will be turned away. And I think that's good. I get it. These gates are small, especially in the older airports. There's not always so much room. People are really concerned about getting their carry-on bags. It's

into the overhead bins and not having to gate check them. But this idea that everybody forms this scrum around the gate, I think it's this me first mentality, which I really dislike. - What do you think about how to dress when you fly?

This is a question I get quite a lot, especially for perhaps older business travelers will say, I remember the days when women wore dresses and men wore hats to go flying. I think that nostalgia is perhaps a lovely thing to recall, but I think we also have to recall that the reality is air travel is not what it was in the 1950s or 60s. As I've said, seats are smaller, tighter, we're being...

all but strip searched as we go through TSA, we're taking off our belts, we're taking off our hats and coats, our luggage is being rifled through. So the idea that people want to be comfortable when they fly, I get that. But I do think that there's a bare minimum standard, which unfortunately has been breached. When you see people

all out wearing pajamas. I mean, literally pajamas on flights. They're showing up in slippers. They're showing up in pajama pants. I think that's really unfortunate. If you look like you just tumbled out of bed, no matter how early your flight is, I think it's important to put in just a little bit of extra effort. And as we know, the anecdotal evidence is that

if you're hoping for an upgrade, your chances of getting an upgrade are going to be far better if you're well-dressed when you show up. So I, as a business traveler, I like to bring my best because you never know who you might be seated next to, a business connection you might make, even in coach.

But I think to expect everyone to dress like they used to 30, 40, 50 years ago, I think that ship has sailed. And it doesn't bother me terribly as long as people dress respectfully of their fellow passengers. All right. So casual is fine. Just look put together. That's right. Is the key. Another thing that I sort of my approach to travel etiquette is when I'm moving through airport security, when I'm in the car rental line,

I just, I try to like know what I'm doing in general, like make sure that the process runs smoothly. You know what I mean? I hate when you go to the airport security and people show up there and act like it's the first time they've ever been on an airplane before. They don't know they need to pull out their...

take off their shoes or take out their laptop, even though there's been signs in the queue. When they get up to the car rental, they don't have their email with the confirmation number and it just holds things up. And so to help the process of the queue along, I try to make sure I'm ready to go when it's my turn. And so it just goes faster. So everyone can get out of the queue as fast as possible.

I think that's a great habit to get into. Although I will say it's a challenging one to stay on top of because as someone who does travel as much as I do,

I can't tell you the variations from airport to airport. You know, the TSA agents who will actually kind of yell at you for taking it. No laptop stays in. No laptop comes out. No liquids, small liquids can stay in. They can't. So it really does. I think as the TSA's screening technology and scanning technology is upgraded from airport to airport,

I do find that the policies are, you know, or even airports where you only present your license, others where you must also present your boarding pass. So it's a little bit confusing. But of course, if you've got a home airport that you fly out of regularly and certainly a chosen airline that you fly out of regularly, you should know their policies. I have a great degree of understanding for airlines.

Anyone who's a family traveling with strollers and all sorts of bassinets, that I really, I will give them all the leeway in the world. But someone who's a regular traveler, who's not prepared when they get up to that agent to move along, I agree with you. I have little patience for that.

It reminds me of that. There's a Sinbad bit. You remember Sinbad, the comedian? Sure, yeah. Yeah, he had this bit about people who would go to McDonald's and they're standing in line and they can see the menu while they're standing in line. And they get to the front where it's time to order and they're like, what do you want? And they're like, um, I don't know. It's like, man, you've had like five minutes to like...

Figure it out. So I don't know, whenever I'm in the queue, especially at the car rental, there's like these signs like, have your license, have your credit card, have your... And then they get to the front and they're like, oh, I need my credit card. Oh, I don't have it. It's like, oh my gosh, come on, man. Pay attention. All right. That's just a personal pet peeve. A lot of people will be acting as either a host or a house guest over the holidays. So let's talk about the etiquette of being a house guest first. Is there a maximum number of days you should stay with a friend or family member?

So I live in New York, and I guess one of the benefits of being a New Yorker is that you tend not to have guest rooms. So it's not a problem I encounter very often, although every now and then I'll have a college friend or someone say, hey, I'm coming to New York and the hotels are crazy. Could I crash with you? Of course, which I'm always happy to do. I'm not someone who really likes to impose my presence on people.

a friend or even, you know, a distant relation really at all. I think it's an imposition. And very often people will set themselves up for this and they'll say, oh, you know, the next time you're in town, you must stay with us. And you really have to wonder whether they actually mean it. I think a lot of times people, it's just a nice thing to say and they don't

mean it terribly. So I really wouldn't impose myself on someone else, particularly if there are comfortable, convenient hotels nearby, which pretty much I'm sure everyone in your listenership when they're traveling has somewhere that they can stay. But if for whatever reason, maybe all the hotels are booked or they're just on a very, very tight budget and it's not something that you can afford, I think once you get past

two nights. You know, there's this old saying, which I'm sure you're familiar with, which is guests like fish start to stink after a couple of days. So I really think that two days, two nights is about where you want to be. You don't want to seem like you're suddenly part of the furniture, you know, give these, these poor folks their home back and their routines back. Don't extend the stay past that. Unless this is someone who is your best, best, best friend. And, and, you know, you could stay together for weeks and neither one would get on the other's nerves.

But then we're in a different category where you're really almost no longer a house guest. You're a contributing roommate where you're buying groceries and you're helping clean and so on. Not necessarily things that you'd be doing for just a one or two night stay. Yeah. Benjamin Franklin is the one that said that. Fish and visitors sting after three days. Yes. Yeah. Ben Franklin was right. Any other ways to be a polite house guest during your stay? Yeah.

Sure. You know, I think if you have decided that this truly is your best option, you want to make your impact and your footprint be as minimal as possible. You also want to be as considerate as possible when you arrive. So someone putting you up, you want to bring, especially if you've never been to their home, you want to bring some sort of a thoughtful gift for your host there.

I would also bring, you know, people I know last time, Brett, we talked about thank you notes. And as you know, I'm a big fan of those. And I know you are, too. The idea of bringing a thank you note that is ready to go, which you can leave on the kitchen table or the living room coffee table just as you're leaving so that you don't even have to trust that to the U.S. Postal Service. The delivery will be instant.

So bring that thank you note, have it ready to go and write it out with some thoughtful memories of what happened during your visit, however brief. You also want to make sure that if you are staying in a guest room or particularly if you're staying in an open common area like a living room, you're not leaving it a mess. So your blankets, your pillows are all kind of neatly folded up. The sofa bed is turned back into a sofa again. This is again, you're not at home, you're not in your space. You want to make sure that the

Leave no trace really applies to indoors as well. If you're staying for more than a couple of days, I think a really nice thing to do is to take your host out to a dinner as a thank you during the duration of your visit. Of course, you want to offer help out in the kitchen as much as possible. And in general, be pleasant, but don't get in their way. They've got their routine and you shouldn't be intruding on that. And experience.

expecting to be entertained 24/7. I think it's okay and I think it's very healthy as a guest to be able to go off and do your own thing and let your hosts do the same. Yeah, I agree. Whenever we stay with people, we try to let them know our schedule, let them know the stuff that we want to do. We don't expect the host to entertain us all the time.

We let them know, here's the things we want to do. Let's sync on things we can do together. If it works with your schedule, if not, no big deal. We'll go do our thing. But then just keep them aware of what you'll be doing that day, when they can expect you to leave the house and when they can expect you to be back.

Yes, absolutely. And I would say the final thing, don't disengage so much. Yes, it's important to make sure that you're not leaving a massive footprint, but you don't want to be the house guest who's basically a user who you're there for the bed or you're there for the sofa, but you're not engaging in conversation. You're withdrawing and going up to your room and sitting on social media the entire time and not actually conversing with your hosts.

this would be inappropriate to not be a part of the household in a way that's meaningful so that this visit is more about you having a crash pad, but also an opportunity to catch up with obviously people who you feel close to. Any suggestions on how to be a gracious host?

Sure. So you want to look after every possible amenity that might matter to your guests. So a lot of this probably seems obvious, but fresh linens, fresh towels, washcloth, an alarm clock. You know, most people use their phones, but I think a clock is a nice touch. Be able to be able to check the time during the evening and or in the morning when they're about to get up.

a bottle of water by their bed stand. I also think you make it clear to your guests that the kitchen is theirs for the taking. So whatever may be in the refrigerator is fair game or in the pantry is fair game. I'd ask about any dietary restrictions. I'd ask about any likes or dislikes. I actually had this, it wasn't a house guest, but I had a

a guest come down to, I have a place at the Jersey Shore, and she came down for a day. And I said, "Oh, tell me what beverages should I have in the house for you? What do you like?" And she said, "You know, my favorite drink is an Arnold Palmer." And I said, "Oh, great. Well, fantastic." So there I was, I whipped up some tea, some fresh brewed tea, chilled it, mixed up some lemonade with some fresh squeezed lemons. When she arrived, she kind of looked horrified as I presented her wine.

my craftily made Arnold Palmer. And she said, no, no, no, this is not the Arnold Palmer I meant. What I really meant was the, you know, the Arnold Palmer that comes in a can and you can get it at a convenience store. Okay, sorry. I guess I missed that memo. But being that host who looks out for the,

the thoughtful little things that might make someone, especially if you think about it, they've perhaps been traveling a great distance, they're going to be tired. You offer them a shower, a place to change, a place to put their belongings. Make them feel as much at home as you possibly can by giving them all the creature comforts.

I'd also say the Wi-Fi password for the house. I've seen, and I love this, almost like you're staying in an Airbnb where your host will actually have a little card with all the important details to the house, how to use the remote control if there's a TV in your room. Anything that might confuse them or might not be apparent to them when they arrive, I think those are nice touches as well.

Yeah, I agree. And I think another thing a host can do is like plan some fun activities. Like if you invited these people to come stay with you, you know, that costs a lot of time and money to visit, visit someone. So make it worthwhile, have some activities for them to do. Don't just make it like, Hey, we're just going to hang out and whatever. Like I said, I don't expect the host entertain me the entire time, but I like it when someone does have an idea.

an itinerary ready and has some things planned out that we could do together. It just makes the whole trip more enjoyable. Yes. And have a backup plan. So that same place of the Jersey shore, I just mentioned, I had a different group of friends who came down and they were actually staying at an Airbnb nearby, but

But the weather forecast for the weekend they were coming down just got worse and worse and worse by the day. And I had prepared. I had sent them this lovely itinerary of the walking tours we were going to do and the picnic on the beach. Well, it rained.

rained. It was a deluge all weekend long. So I really had to be prepared for not being out and about, but being in an apartment for the weekend and how we could kind of entertain them and still give them a meaningful, memorable time despite the best laid plans. All right, let's talk about party etiquette. A lot of parties during the holidays, Christmas parties, office parties, New Year's parties. I think

Prompt RSVP is important, but I think it's often overlooked as far as being a party. Yes, people really don't RSVP these days, but the host needs to know who's coming so they can plan accordingly. So I think, yeah, RSVP always, even if you're not coming. Let's talk about this. What about punctuality? What time should you show up to a more open house type party and then to also wait like a sit down dinner party?

Sure. Yeah. So two very different factors. And I agree with you wholeheartedly about the RSVP thing. I think we live, unfortunately, in the era of maybe where people are just afraid to commit or, you know, maybe are abiding their other options. You're absolutely right. A host needs to be able to plan and those RSVPs are vital.

And for the host, you make it that much easier for your guests and you don't offer as an option regrets only because not hearing from someone you would think might mean that they're sending a sense that they are joining the party, whereas it actually may simply mean that they're not being considerate and letting you know. So yes, please, please, please RSVP. It couldn't be easier. We've got more apps and texting and platforms for communication to let someone know we're joining. We should do that.

Your arrival time at a, for example, maybe you're having a New Year's Day open house. You, as the host, you provide a start and end time, or maybe the end time is open-ended. In that case, I think you, obviously, you can arrive anytime you like during that day, especially if it's a holiday like New Year's Day where people may be bouncing around and going to homes of different friends or family members. But I would still recommend

as the guest, as the arriving guest, give your host some sort of a heads up. Oh, we look forward to seeing you on New Year's Day. We're going to be traveling, probably be arriving around your home at three or so. How is that for you? And where will you be in the menu planning for that time? What can I bring to contribute to the occasion if I'm arriving around three o'clock?

So I think that for an open house, open-ended, that's a wonderful thing to do. You're going to give your host a heads up on your anticipated arrival time, and then you can even provide an update on the day of if that changes at all.

On the other hand, if this is a dinner party that someone's having in a house or even a party at a restaurant, you know, where the restaurant may not seat your whole party until every last person has arrived, you really need to be arriving on time. For a dinner party in a house, there certainly is a little bit of grace period and I wouldn't recommend anything.

ever ringing a doorbell a minute or two before the party starts or 15 minutes before the party starts. This is the host's down, well, I want to say downtime. This is the host's opportunity to attend to every last little touch, whether it's lighting the candles, whether it's putting the hors d'oeuvres out on the cocktail table. But as the guest, you really, for a dinner party, you should aim for round two.

10 minutes, max 20 minutes after the start time. After that, you're really inconsiderate because you've got to remember it's not just about when you sit down to a meal. It's also about the conviviality that takes place in the prelude leading up to the meal. And if you're not there, you can't contribute to that. You were invited for a reason. You're there to contribute your presence and your conversation and your wit. And none of that is happening if you are still

out on the highway stuck in traffic an hour after the party was supposed to have started. Yeah, I agree on that. If it's a dinner party at a home, don't show up early and don't even like show up on time. My wife and I, we host a lot of dinner parties. And even though we try to plan these things well in advance, you're always running a little behind. Sure. And you're stressed out. And then when people show up early, like 10 minutes early,

it just adds to the stress because they're going to be like, oh, hey, can I help? And then you have to start thinking about, well, I got to explain to this person how they can help. That just makes you feel more stressed out or you feel like this pressure to make small talk with them while you're trying to get the sirloin ready or whatever. And so you can't concentrate on what you're doing. So what's,

We always appreciate when our guests show up like five minutes late, like 10 minutes is the max. If it's beyond 10 minutes, that's a little too much. But like they show up five minutes late, like that's perfect because we're able to get everything ready. But it's the worst when someone shows up like 10 minutes early and it's like, I mean, what do we do with this person? But if you do show up early, ask if you can help. If they say no, I think the best thing to do is just go, go and use yourself somewhere else and just let the host finish prepping in peace.

Yeah, I agree. Don't hover. We all have experienced, especially someone like you and your wife, you house dinner parties, you know the kitchen hoverer who you're there doing last minute prep, slicing, dicing, sauteing, and somebody's hovering in the kitchen, not only distracting you, but getting in your way. So yes, get out of the way unless there's something that you can do that genuinely is helpful. But

But I would say even if you made amazing time, you thought it was going to take you an hour and it only took you 45 minutes, there's always something that you can do to occupy yourself for those 15 or 20 minutes that is not ringing the person's doorbell and saying, hey, sorry, I know I'm early, but I can't.

got here in less time than I thought. Sit in your car, take a walk around the block, pick up an extra bottle of wine at the local wine shop. Do whatever you need to do to give that host that vital time in those final minutes where things do tend to get frenetic. Some people have special dietary restrictions, like maybe they're vegetarian or something like that. If you're a guest with a special diet, should you tell the host of a dinner party and expect them to make accommodations?

So the expectation, no, but the communication, yes. You know, it's a horrifying thing for a host to think that they've prepared something which they've lovingly prepped and researched the recipe only to discover that one or more of their guests can't eat the main course. On the other hand, I think it's presumptuous on the part of the guests.

to simply think, well, here is my diet. And it seems dietary restrictions continue to get more micro as time goes on. I'm keto. I'm eating macrobiotic. I'm a locavore. I think there are some things that perhaps if you occasionally at least forego those restrictions, this may be the time to forego when you're in someone's home. On the other hand, if you're someone who really follows a very strict dietary restriction,

I would communicate that up front to your host, not in a presumptuous way, but I would use this as an opportunity to offer to bring something that will match your own dietary preference and bring something not just in a little Tupperware container for you to enjoy at the table while everyone else eats the host's meal, but rather bring enough if the host is okay with this to be able to share with the other guests.

What if you're the host of a dinner party? When you're planning it, should you ask people if they have special accommodations or dietary restrictions? Should you actively solicit that information? I would ask the question on it. I'd be prepared to get all sorts of responses that may not quite be to your liking.

On the other hand, I do think in this age, it's really important as a host, no matter how carnivorous you may be, to offer a very nice selection of vegetable dishes, which will accommodate, of course, the vegetarians. It will accommodate the pescatarians. It will accommodate, you know, the carnivores can have a salad every now and then. You know, they may prefer meat, but they can certainly eat vegetables. There's a difference between just not loving something and 100% not eating something, which

So I think as a host, you want to provide as many of those food groups as possible, which really will cover just about everyone, at least in some way with a small dish. But yes, ask the question. And if it's something, a requirement that you know you can't accommodate, I would be honest and upfront about that as well. Gosh, I'm preparing my favorite rack of lamb. I don't know that I'm going to be able to accommodate

a second entree, what are some suggestions that you might have or might there be something that you could bring that could supplement all the side dishes I'll have for you? So I think an honest and open communication so that you don't have that awkward feeling of the person who just does not eat whatever you've prepared, staring at it in horror as you steer back in horror that all your hard work is for naught with this particular guest. When should you show up with a gift for the party host?

Always. I think the idea of coming empty handed is it's presumptuous and it's inconsiderate. So again, Brett, you know, you're a, you're a dinner party host. You know, the amount of work, time and energy and joy that goes into preparing an occasion for your friends, a special occasion, your friends or family. And the idea that you just kind of knock on the door with a

both hands empty, ready to devour whatever's put before you, I think it's highly inconsiderate. So I would definitely bring some sort of a host or hostess gift. It can be small, thoughtful. If you've been to their home before, something that shows that you know their interests.

and reflects their tastes. And I would also bring something if you've cleared it in advance that will contribute to the meal, some other sort of food item. If the host says, no, I really have my menu all planned. Don't worry about that. I'm all set. I would still bring some sort of a host gift.

Any suggestions for good gifts to give to a party host? Do you have some go-tos that you like? Sure. I think candles have probably been overdone. They're tried and true, but hosts, especially frequent hosts, they probably have far too many candles already. So I don't know that that's the ideal gift. I think unless you happen to know that this person is a teetotaler and does not drink at all, I would bring...

a bottle of spirits, a bottle of wine is always a great go-to. And candidly, even if it's not a wine they drink or a spirit they don't drink, they can re-gift that themselves. That's a perennial. So I think that's probably your safest bet. And what's nice too, it can be bagged easily in a nice wine bottle bag with a bow. And it shows that just a little bit of extra thoughtfulness. If a host doesn't drink, and this is coming from someone who doesn't drink, some good

options for gifts or things like nice chocolates. We've gotten that specialty olive oil, cheese, honey. We've gotten houseplants. That's nice. Also pastries that the host could eat the next morning. That'd be cool too. We're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors.

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And now back to the show. Let's talk about tips for being a polite guest at the party itself. I think not lingering too long when the party is drawing down seems like a good point of etiquette. Any tips for a party host on how to get people out of your house when they have started to overstay their welcome?

Sure. And of course, this is a wonderful sign that people are having such a great time that they simply don't want to leave. But you're probably exhausted at this point in the day or in the evening that you really are ready for people to depart. And some people don't quite seem to take the hint. There was a great book that Esquire did back in the 60s called The Handbook for Hosts. I don't know if you've ever seen it. Yeah, I have. Oh, you've got it. Okay. So you...

I don't know if you know this particular tip, but I'm actually looking at it right now. So on page 189 of the edition I have, it's called Speed the Parting Guest. And there are a whole bunch of tips in here. Some of them are really kind of ridiculous, like literally arranging for a moving van to come and pick up all your belongings and circle the block a few times until your guest finally leaves. But this one I hadn't really thought of before, and I think it's kind of fun. It says, arrange with your dog...

to demand to be taken out. So you can explain smiling weekly. We always walk the dog just before bedtime. Guess he thinks I forgotten him with appropriate. They're there. Duke will go out soon in the dog's direction, of course. So I think that's, that's a clever way of doing so, but I think perhaps a more contemporary and less blatantly obvious way is to start preparing takeaway goodie bags for people, the leftovers, um,

Gosh, Brett, it's been so lovely having you over. What can I prepare for you to take home as you prepare a little care package of leftovers from the meal is a nice cue that hopefully your guest will pick up on. I like that. Any other tips about just being a polite guest at a party?

The nice thing, if you've been invited to a dinner party in particular, you really got to feel special. And you know what you are because the host likely had many other people that they could invite that wasn't you. And you've been included to contribute to a mix of personalities and an occasion. So I would bring your best self. And what does that mean? You're going to dress the part. So

you're going to dress up a little bit above perhaps your baseline standards. You're going to show that you put it, put in some effort to how you look. You are going to bring your best self in terms of your conversation. And that may mean that you're prepared to make small talk, interesting, small talk with people that you've never met before. And there are a few websites in particular that I love to consult before I go to win a party or if

before I go to a networking event. One is Mental Floss, you may be familiar. Another one is called Pocket, their website is Get Pocket. The History Channel has a This Day in History. I love to have these just kind of go-to, break-in-case-of-emergency type pocket stories that you can pull out if suddenly you find everybody is looking down at the living room rug and nobody's connecting. I would also say, in general, most people are

thrilled to be able to talk about themselves. So these are people you've never met before and you show curiosity about who they are and what they do. Also be prepared to introduce yourself in an interesting way. So if somebody says, it's the perennial question for someone you've never met, oh, and what do you do? And you've got this kind of bland stock answer, oh, I'm an actuary for such and such accounting firm. You probably get what I call the

oh, that's nice reaction from the other person. So think about a way that you can introduce yourself and what you do in a way that's intriguing and that invites further questions. And then you're going to do the same with the other individual. Make them feel listened to, engaged with, and that you're giving them your undivided attention. This is the key ingredient of a great conversation. Yeah, I like that, adding to the conversation. Whenever I go to a party, I always think, even though I'm not the host,

I think the success of this party, I play a part in this. What role can I play to make this party awesome? And so I try to bring my best self to it and don't just depend on the host to show everyone a good time. I want to take part. I see the party as it's a collaborative effort. Another thing that I like to do is obviously thank the host of

of the party before you leave. But I also think it's nice to follow up with a text when you get home, just reiterating what a great time you had. Because I think as someone who's hosted, you're always, after the party's over, you're always wondering, oh man, how did the party go? Did people have a good time? So it's nice to get those texts, those follow-up texts afterwards, like, oh, it was such a great time. It just, it feels nice to get affirmed like that and knowing that people

people had a good time. I wholeheartedly agree. And I think one of the nice ways you can do that if you're someone who is pretty good with your camera, whether for selfies or taking group shots, I think sending a photograph from the occasion, maybe it's you and the host, maybe it's you and the host and several others. Along with that, thank you. You've created a nice little digital memento of the evening. What about office holiday parties? Do you need to go to one if you don't want to?

I think particularly in the era we live of hybrid work, of remote work, you may be spending weeks, if not months, without seeing not just the people who report to you, but the people to whom you report. And to not afford yourself the opportunity of some genuine face-to-face time with those folks, I think is a major faux pas. And you're missing out on

a very important career opportunity to be there, to see and be seen. So if you are working for a company that still has a holiday party, and many companies have just abandoned the concept entirely, but if you are working for a company that has a holiday party, you absolutely positively clear your schedule and you go with bells on. Any advice on how to navigate a company party? Well, because you hear all these horror stories of there's a lot of workplace problems that started at a holiday party.

That's true. Yeah. So remember, just because you're quote unquote off duty, you're not really. In fact, you may be on duty more so than even when you're in the office in a nine to five situation. You're being observed. Don't let down your guard. And that really starts with being very, very careful with your alcohol intake. I would not go...

thinking this is going to be great. They've got an open bar. I'm just going to get blitzed because chances are you will make in some respect, you will make a fool of yourself and not be doing your career any favors. So fine to have a cocktail at a holiday party if you're an imbiber, but I would really stop at

Whatever your limit is, and it's different for everyone, maybe you can have three cocktails and still be completely coherent and in control of who you are. Or maybe you're somebody, you have a half glass of champagne and you've already lost it. Whatever your limit is, you stop well before that. Make sure you get there not late, but get there on time. This would be a party actually, Brett, where I'd say it would be appropriate for you even to arrive a little bit early.

So getting there, you know, five or 10 minutes before the occasion shows your commitment, your interest, your excitement for the occasion, even if you're not that excited about being there. And I would definitely, you don't want to be, again, hearkening back to what we were speaking about earlier. You don't want to be literally the last person standing at the end of the night, you know, as Donna Summer's last dance is blasting from the DJ booth, the last person there. But you do want to stay for sure through whatever context.

company speeches. And I would, in your mind, tell yourself before you go strategically, there are six people I must have FaceTime with at this occasion. And whoever those folks are, maybe it's your boss, maybe it's your boss's boss or your boss's boss's boss,

Make sure you get in front of those people. Have quality engagement with them. Don't be a one-trick pony. You don't want to talk only of work, seeming like you have nothing to contribute besides your work that you do for this company. So be that sparkly, lively, in-control,

sober, early guest who doesn't stay too long. I would dress, again, dress the part. You don't need to look like you just came from a meeting with your tax accountant. You can look festive, but keep it tasteful. All right. So let your hair down, but don't let it down so much where you get called into HR the next day. Well said. I think that's what we're going for. Let's talk about gifts. Do you have any tips for being a good gift giver in general?

You know, we're living in an age of obviously high inflation. I just did a TV segment yesterday on people who are just going into massive debt already. You know, here we are not even at the holiday season and people are already doing their shopping and going into credit card debt to do so.

I really believe it sounds so corny. We all know the saying, it's the thought that counts. It really shouldn't be about how extravagant the gift is. And if you find that your gift list is so long that you're going into debt or that you feel you're one-upping people by giving them something that's super expensive, I

I think that's a really unfortunate situation and something that you're going to be dealing with the consequences of for the balance of the new year. And that's not a good thing. So I think the idea of what to give someone can start early. But what I like to do is if people, friends, co-workers, loved ones drop the occasional gem, a

about something that's an interest of theirs. Maybe someone who's a new acquaintance but becoming a good friend happens to mention their favorite movie or their favorite food or their favorite book or their favorite author. I think I like to keep a spreadsheet of those sorts of things or the people I think I probably will be buying something for come holiday time or come birthday time.

And having that readily accessible to me, almost like a little mini Salesforce database, except it's very DIY. Now when the season arrives, I'm ready to give something that truly shows thoughtfulness and I'm not reduced to a gift card for a store that they don't even shop at or something that's a re-gift that

has them scratching their head saying, why in the world did the person give this to me? But I would say at its core, let's think about the holidays and as an opportunity to really remember the people who are important in our lives. And that's not always about a present. It could simply be something that is a very thoughtful card that is handwritten and that expresses why that person is important to you. I think that really is where it starts. If you feel that on top of that, you want to give a gift, that's a lovely thing to do.

But make it a thoughtful gesture and don't leave them scratching their heads. What do you do if someone gets you a gift and you didn't get them a gift? That happens sometimes.

It does. And this can happen between friends who perhaps don't have a gift exchange as part of their friendship compact, their unspoken friendship compact. And suddenly someone decides that this year they're going to get something for you. I think the knee-jerk reaction that people often have in that situation is that stock line, oh, you shouldn't have.

Which is a really not a very, you know, I get why someone would say that, but it's a really, when you think about it, it's kind of a prescriptive thing to say to someone who's excited about giving you a gift. So showing gratitude, not immediately excusing yourself to the restroom and rubbing through your coat closet or your upstairs hall closet where you can find something to throw into a gift bag to pretend like you had a gift for them.

as well. So I wouldn't stress out about it so much. I would simply accept it gracefully and of course send them a really nice thank you note. And then perhaps next year, you might, if we're talking about a holiday gift, you might have the conversation a little bit earlier in the process so that you're both clear that,

you know, I know last year you were so generous. You, you, you know, you gave me that lovely vase. Please know that our friendship means so much to me that really I don't ever expect to get from you. And I hope that's okay. Would be a conversation to kind of put it out there in a nice way before any further awkwardness happens.

You mentioned earlier, there's a lot of people struggling financially and sometimes you might be put in the situation where you have a friend or maybe a family member who they're doing better than you financially. And so they're always giving you gifts that are much more expensive than you can give. And then you might feel bad. Like any ideas on how to navigate that situation? I,

I think, you know, I, I, that's, that's a challenging one. And I think for someone to, to have that conversation and say, gosh, this is so expensive. You know, why did you spend so much money on me? It's an awkward thing, especially you're taking the wind out of the sails of someone who's really excited for what they've bought.

I think if you're friends, if you are family members and you're exchanging gifts and there's a great inequity of the financial value of what you're giving, I would own that as the person. I might say, oh my goodness, this is so generous. I can't even believe that you're giving this to me. I don't even know what to say. I have something for you too. It's far more modest.

I hope you don't take that as any indication of my feelings for you, but rather a feeling, a reflection of what my budget is. If money were a new object, you know I'd be buying you a Ferrari. I think that would be a way of kind of putting it out there in a genuine, authentic way. I think sometimes...

friends are a little bit fearful of having monetary conversations like this. And I think it's a healthy thing to do for any relationship. So, you know, I wouldn't make excuses. I wouldn't hem and haw. I would be gracious. I'd accept it unless it's,

exorbitant. If somebody's bought you a diamond necklace out of nowhere, well, this obviously needs to be discussed. But if they just bought you a gift that you know was probably somewhat pricey and you can't reciprocate, I wouldn't feel bad about that. I would own the conversation and be very grateful that you have such a generous friend who obviously thinks very highly of you. What do you do if you get a gift you don't like?

Depending on the who of who's getting, you know, if this is a gift from your spouse, it's going to be a little bit more difficult to squirrel it away in a drawer or take it back or re-gift it because they, of course, are going to know you're not using it, you're not wearing it, you're not displaying it. So especially if this is something that you know they spent a lot of money on, I would be candid with them in a very gentle way, but perhaps not in the moment. So don't steal their thunder immediately.

as you open the present and kind of all eyes are on you as you've unfurled the bow, suddenly say, oh gosh, really? You got this? This is obviously not an appropriate way to react. So I would show appreciation and your glee at receiving this particular gift and

in the moment. And then perhaps later on that day or the following day, you know, honey, you know, I got to say, I really, I so appreciate that gift. I don't think that's something I would ever really wear. It just, you know, it doesn't flatter my physique, whatever. I would have that candid conversation because if you pretend you love it too much, well, guess what? You're going to be getting something similar for your birthday and every other occasion coming in the next 10 years. So

Own it now, speak now or forever hold your peace. With a friend or with a fringe acquaintance, I don't think that conversation is particularly necessary or maybe it's the host gift. Someone you were hosting and somebody brought you something and you don't particularly like it. There's no need at that moment or ever to express any dissatisfaction. I would perhaps just think about either returning it or regifting it to someone who you genuinely know would appreciate it more than you did for whatever reason.

Oh, so you mentioned re-gifting. You think it's okay to re-gift? I think re-gifting is a wonderful thing for the planet. I think it's a wonderful thing for the wallet, but it's got to be done intentionally. So you realizing it's December 23rd and you hate shopping and you haven't done any shopping and you decide all the shopping is going to be done in your junk closet. This is not

anything that's being done with intention. So if for whatever reason you already have one, you know, you simply don't have space for it, you're paring down. I think regifting can be a great way of saving funds and also really pleasing a gift recipient when it's done thoughtfully. So as you, as you think about the person that you're going to be regifting to, is this someone who genuinely really will love this or

Or is this someone who will be looking at this saying, I don't understand why I was given this present or, oh gosh, there's a tag on it and it's an old tag because obviously it was given to you as a gift. So you want to make sure that the original gift tags are gone. You want to make sure that the wrapping is fresh and contemporary and newly done by you.

and you want to make sure that it's in good condition, that it doesn't look like it's something that's been used or is tattered or torn. It should be in as new condition as possible. And as long as you're doing it intentionally, I think it can be a wonderful win-win situation. And also make sure you don't re-gift the gift to the original gift giver.

That would be a mistake. Or even Brett, giving within the same gifting circle. So maybe your group of friends gets together for dinner to exchange holiday gifts and you've now given the gift that was given to you by friend A and you're giving it to friend B while friend A looks on in horror. Yeah.

this would not be a winning strategy either. So gift outside gifting circles. Also, the one final thing I would say about regifting, if you're regifting something that has a really interesting backstory that you cannot own, for example, it's

a souvenir from a country you have never visited and it was a gift to you and you're now giving this to someone else, if you have no genuine backstory that you can present about where you got that or why it's meaningful to you, this is not something that you should be regifting. Or if your grandmother knitted you an afghan that took her a year to knit and you're suddenly giving granny's afghan that she gave to you to a friend, this would not be a winning strategy either. So make sure that if there's a backstory, you keep that. This is what trunks are for.

In our last conversation, we talked about tipping culture in the United States today and how it's gotten out of control. You're getting asked for tips when you go to the self-serve yogurt shop and the person there didn't do anything to help you out. But the holidays, there's kind of an etiquette around holiday tipping. Is there any special tipping considerations we should take into account when we are around Thanksgiving, Christmas?

Sure. Yeah. So we are definitely, we are living through the era of tipping fatigue and tipflation. I actually did a TED talk on this last year called The Tipping Invasion, How America Became the Country That Tips for Everything Everywhere All at Once. And I think indeed, there is no question people are feeling, again, tightness of budgets. The wallet is being hit everywhere we go. But that's not

excuse or a rationale for scrimping on the all-important and time-honored tradition of tipping the service professionals who make our lives day-to-day that much easier. So these may be individuals that were not tipping very much, if anything, on a

and ongoing basis throughout the year for their service to us. But at the end of the year, this is the time to recognize them. And this is largely people who live in urban places. They tend to have a lot more. They might have dog walkers. They might have doorman. They might have a porter in the building they work. But for all of us, we all get our hair cut.

Maybe you have someone who colors your hair. You may have a massage therapist or a personal trainer. You're not tipping these individuals, with the exception of the folks working on your hair or giving you a massage, you're probably not tipping them

on an ongoing regular basis when you visit with them, but that doesn't mean that you don't recognize them at the end of the year with a gratuity. And it's something that those service professionals, they allow us to be at our best through the year. And I think it's really important for us to remember them at the end of the year. This is very, very different from the person who is ringing up your self-serve yogurt asking, how was my service? Do I get five stars and do I get $5? This is someone that you have an

ongoing relationship with. Yeah. So it'd be like a babysitter, a house cleaner, a landscaper. They're doing stuff for you throughout the year. You're not tipping them. Usually this is a chance to give them a tip. That's right. Pool cleaner and so on. Yes. The sanitation workers. Any like any like recommendations, like how much should you tip for the situations?

It's a little bit easier with the service professionals that you actually do give some sort of a tip throughout the year. So for example, the person who's cutting your hair, the general guideline there is that you tip the cost of one visit. So if you get a $60 haircut and maybe you're tipping $12 or $15 for that haircut on every visit, your holiday gratuity, your end of year gratuity would be the $60 that you'd pay for

the one haircut. In other categories, it's a little bit more fluid, but there are some guidelines there as well. So it may be, for example, with a house cleaner, it may be who you're not tipping each and every time, the cost of a single visit to your home. For a babysitter, it may be the amount of one night's babysitting. Or for someone who's an au pair, for example, who lives with your family, very often we'll see a

from one week to even one month of what you would pay that au pair who lives with you and travels with you as a holiday gratuity. I think a week is certainly generous, but I hear stories about people who give a full month and

If you were in a city and you're tipping a doorman or a porter, the parking garage attendants who park your car for you, again, in an urban center, there the values really vary geographically. So again, I live in New York. This is the capital city of tipping when it comes to the holidays. Doorman could be anywhere from a couple hundred dollars on up in a luxury building or less. So

As I said before, I think it's really important for all of us to feel comfortable with the idea of speaking with other people about money. And so I have no compunction asking my neighbors, hey, I'm new in the building. I'm new in this city. Could you give me a guideline? What do people generally tip our super? What do people generally tip the doorman? And this will give you some indication. So you don't want to be the outlier. You don't want to be tipping drastically less.

But there's no need really to be tipping drastically more. Well, Thomas, this has been a great conversation. Where can people go to learn more about your work? Brett, thank you so much for the conversation and the wonderful work that you do on AOM. I'm Mr. Manners. That's spelled out Mr. M-I-S-T-E-R Manners on X and Instagram. The website is Mr., again, spelled out,

hyphen manners.com. And I'm regularly on TV screens across the country, speaking on all aspects of modern manners and etiquette. We're not talking Downton Abbey here. We're talking about the everyday interactions that make all of us a better version of ourselves. Well, Thomas Farley, Mr. Manners, thanks for your time and happy holidays. Thank you, Brett. You as well.

My guest today was Thomas Farley, also known as Mr. Manners. You can find more information about his work at his website, mr-manners.com. Also check out our show notes at aom.is slash holiday etiquette, where you can find links to resources and we delve deeper into this topic.

Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM Podcast. Make sure to check out our website at artofmanly.com where you can find our podcast archives, as well as thousands of articles that we've written over the years about pretty much anything you think of. And if you haven't done so already, I'd appreciate it if you'd take one minute to give us a read on the podcast or Spotify. It helps out a lot. And if you've done that already, thank you. Please consider sharing the show with a friend or family member you think was something out of it. As always, thank you for the continued support. Until next time, this is Brett McKay reminding you to not listen to anyone's podcast, but put what you've heard into action.

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