Why Wanting Everything Leaves You With Nothing | Ep 911
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If you think about commitment as the elimination of alternatives, well then that makes sense that if you eliminate all alternatives that you will stay on the path that you're currently on, whether it's marriage, whether it's business, you just eliminate all alternatives. That's another shot, you're committed. And then low expectations, which is like, okay, you're committed here, maybe you don't get married, but then you can either change reality or lower expectations. So then you just have low expectations and you're not going anywhere. The reason you're dissatisfied is because you want things you don't have.

And you are unhappy with the trades that you've made, but you want to keep the things you got from making those trades and then also retrade whatever it is that you gave to get what you've got for something else without accepting the downsides and trades of getting that thing.

And so I was having this conversation with, you know, a friend of mine who's kind of in this, his dating period of life, trying to figure out, you know, who's going to marry and whatnot. And he sends me these very long, you know, voice notes and text messages about how it's like, should I, you know, should I have a stay at home mom type wife, a wife who's like, you know, career oriented, or should I try and have somebody who would work with me? And he's just going through this, this whole, you know, rigmarole. And he's, he struggled with this for a while. And for,

And fundamentally, it comes down to this, which is that he wants everything. And I'm not just saying this about him. I'm saying this about us, about all of us, right? It's like we want it all. And one of the key, you know, formulas for getting dissatisfied with life is wanting everything with limited resources in terms of time, energy, effort, life, in order to get them.

And so I see this key thing, myself included here, that I'll do sometimes where I'll get something that I want. And then I'll look at something else that's a different path and be like, I want that too. But we used up the same resource to get it. It's like, if you have gas in the car, and you're like, well, I've got one tank worth of gas, you're like, I want to get to Toledo. And then you get to Toledo. And you're like, I actually really want to get to, you know,

Orange County. Well, all of a sudden, you're like, I use that my tank and gas and say, well, I want to go to Orange County too. And say, well, you're in Toledo. You know what I mean? Like you made that call. And so what's interesting is that we regret the lives we have, because of paths not taken without taking into consideration the trades we made then. And so one of the things that I feel like I've been practicing a lot has been this effort of trying to

play it out more, which is like, okay, well, let's say that we went to Orange County, not Toledo. Well, I might be thinking in Orange County, like, man, Toledo's got all these things that are going on there. And they've got these great sites. And they've got, you know, more modest people and, and, and, and, and, right. And so it's like, all paths have things that you don't currently have. But the other part is like, okay, well,

Whatever path I choose not to play out also has costs. And so we have the perceived benefits of this other path, which might not be as good as we think they are. Right. And then we have these unknown costs, which might be significantly worse than they are. And so,

I was talking to him about this and I was like, well, listen, man, like all three of these paths are fine. And I've seen really successful people who are in all three of these paths, like stay at home situation, parallel situation, aligned or combined situation. All three work. Right.

But like wanting the benefits of all three is what gets us in trouble, right? I think I saw Esther Perel make this clip where she was like, the problems that we have isn't that like people are worse. It's just that our expectations are higher. It's like we expect our spouse to be a professional business person, to be an intellectual sparring partner, right?

To be an intellectual sparring partner, to be your, you know, if it's a guy, it's like your, your maid and your housekeeper, also the mother and great parent, you know, for your kids. Also somebody who's like interested in the same hobbies as you and also your passionate lover. It's,

It's like it's trying to cram 10 humans into one, right? Like you make trades, right? There are things that you're going to get and there's things that you're going to trade. And, you know, we get dissatisfied when we just make trades. And I see this like kind of like for us as individuals that there's kind of these stages you go through. Like in the beginning, you just blame everyone else for why you don't have what you want, right? That's like stage one. Stage two, you learn how to get stuff. So now you get something that you want, but you're like, man, I don't know.

I want that other path, right? I want the benefits of that without the cost of that. But in my mind, I'm going to imagine getting both my current life and that life, and then I'm just going to be dissatisfied since I don't have both. And I heard this really interesting quote, which I love, not wanting something is as good as having it. Not wanting it is as good as having it. And I think about this trade all the way up, right? It's like,

When we die, because people are always like, you know, I really, you know, they get to the end of their life and then they have these quote regrets. They look back and they try and like quote give advice. But like, I actually don't take as much credence in that. And I'll explain why. It's not like I don't, you know, respect old people. It's more a human thing than an old person thing. Just that when we die wanting another life or a different life, it really just comes down to I wish I had the benefits of another life while also maintaining the benefits of my own.

And if someone's a little bit more astute, they'd say, well, I would trade the benefits of that life that's unknown for the life that for the benefits of the life that I have. But it still has kind of contained within it. You know, all these are known. So you're still trading now. You're trading novelty. Right. Which makes sense. But it doesn't also it doesn't actually inform decision making in a good way.

And so what ends up happening is we create this equation, right? Like life becomes miserable when you want everything but have limited resources to get it, which then you say, I will be dissatisfied unless I get everything. And by the way, everything will change. The thing I want, I'll change it. As soon as I get it, I'll change it so that I can maintain dissatisfaction. Think about how wild this is. Like we proclaim that unless I get everything, an impossible thing, I will be dissatisfied.

So you might as well just say, I choose to be dissatisfied. That is what I demand this. Of course, the universe doesn't care. You're not going to get any of that stuff. Back to my friend, a lot of this, I think, comes down to...

commitment and expectations. When Laila and I decided to get married, you know, we actually got married pretty fast and then decided to like look at marriage stuff right afterwards. But one of the things that we looked at was like, what are the commonalities between marriages that last? And it's not actually what you think, but I narrowed it into two kind of buckets here. And I think this goes for any endeavor, not just marriage, but like big life choices. High commitment, low expectations. That's the pairing.

If you think about commitment as the elimination of alternatives, well, then that makes sense that if you eliminate all alternatives that you will, that by default, you will stay, you'll stay on the path that you're currently on, whether it's marriage, whether it's business, you just eliminate all alternatives. That's another shot. You're committed. And then low expectations, which is like, okay, you're committed here. Maybe you don't get married, but then you can either change reality or, or lower expectations, right?

So then you just have low expectations and you're not going anywhere. And the thing is, is that if you have low expectations and you're not going anywhere, then reality is likely higher than your expectations, which ends up meaning that you're above expectations for the rest of your life.

And so that has always been my, like, whenever I feel like this creep of dissatisfaction or wanting more or things like that, or wanting different. And to be clear, this is not me saying I figured out life here, just sharing more, just sharing a thought that I was thinking about for myself too. High expectation, low commitment. Cause I played out the other way for him, you know, in particular, I was like, if you were in a town of 500 people and you were of marriage age, you'd have a pick of like 25 girls. Right. And you'd be like, ah,

The one I don't hate. Right? Like, and be like, all right, there we go. You know? And people have been doing that for much longer than they've been doing unlimited swipes. And so, like, we just have this very odd perspective on reality, which is that we want all of the upside and none of the downside. We want a perfect life and demand that we have one and then are dissatisfied when our lives are not perfect. We want all the upside. Like, we want a trait. We want all the good stuff. It's like, I want the... I'll play this out. So it's like...

I want the benefit of having a really short wife who's itty bitty, you know, whatever. And I also want a girl that's, you know, 6'1 and can like mother linebackers. Well, I want both. You got to pick one. But I want both. Okay, be dissatisfied or and just never choose. Right? Like, like, this is actually really, really real.

so many people stay stuck because they can't decide they're literally unwilling to make they'll literally just stay there they just stay undecided and somehow expect to get more information about an apparent contradiction like you expect that you're going to get more information like this is the choice you have to make it and if you don't make the choice you don't get the benefits of either and that's what's wild and so like

I think about this a fair amount because there's just so many choices that we have to make, right? Throughout life where like some doors are, are reversible, right? But the big doors in life are irreversible. It's hard to go back, right? Like you can't become 20 years old again. You can't marry another person again. You can't pick another business. I mean, you can, you can get divorced from your business. It's just painful. There's wind down periods, you know, who, you know, just, it just, it's, you know, who, who,

who comes, you know, who comes with you to your, to your new business, who doesn't, like, it's a whole mess, right? Say, Vic, you can get divorced from your marriage, right? You can do that. But it's, it's tough, right? And so we have these doors that we can really only go through one time. And people will just stand at the precipice of the door and just wait their entire lives, never getting what's on the other side of either door or either path. And so, you know,

I think like a prized trait is the ability to both make decisions and make good decisions. And I'll give the third, and this is me mostly talking to myself, as you can see, being happy with our decisions, which I think is a significantly underrated skill. Like first you have to learn how to decide, right? If you don't make decisions, you do nothing. Then you have to learn how to decide well so that your decisions work out.

you get more of what you want. And then number three is that you have to not change what you said you wanted from the decision that you made. And or just be satisfied with whatever you get on the other side of that decision.

with the ultimate obviously just being that you didn't want anything to begin with which is we can all become Buddhist monks until that day comes I would say it has been helpful for me to just simply recognize the trades that I made and say yes I am okay with this trade and then whenever I think about an alternative path just reminding myself well there would be costs on that path and the upside of that path is probably not as good as I think it is and so me just being real with you like

I've been kind of about as happy or unhappy as I am now for like a pretty long time. And I like, this is me just being really real. I don't think, I think if I were to play out three different lifetimes for me in different countries and different upbringings, the whole thing, like I think I'd probably be about as happy or unhappy as I am now. Like I'm just being real. Like I just, as much as like, and that actually, just actually thinking that has dramatically decreased my,

anxiety around some stuff. Like my worries. This is like, wow, I'd probably be about as happy as I am now. I'd have different variables, but it would probably equate to where I'm at.

So I gave the tall girl, short girl for a girl example. It's like maybe it's like a richer guy, a poorer guy. I don't know. I don't know what the example would be. Maybe it's a richer guy. Sorry, a taller guy and a shorter guy for girls. I don't know. But the idea is like fundamentally, like there's just going to be traits that you're going to make. And everyone might think, oh, no, I would definitely want the rich guy. Well, let's play it out. Let's actually play it out. Look at the wives of rich dudes. Are they happy? Not always. Yeah.

Look at the wives of poor dudes. Are they happy? Not always, which basically just means humans will human. We will be dissatisfied, independent of our circumstance. And that honestly, at the end of the day, like we are the problem. Like we are the problem. Like we think there's like we are the problem. And so that's actually my little like refrain that I have for myself whenever I have this little creeping dissatisfaction spider that creeps up my neck. I just hear like, you are the problem. You are the problem.

And then I think, okay, I am the problem. What expectations do I have that I set arbitrarily for myself that I deemed dissatisfactory when the world did not meet them? And I'm like, oh, okay. Well, if I just remove that, it's as good as having it. Right. Good to know. So anyways, love you all.

just a little morning thoughts it's uh 5 40 ish here at the office really excited for the book launch it's gonna be epic i've been basically preparing for two years for this um basically is a uh the incorrect word i have been preparing for two years for this um and so uh i'm excited to finally show you what i've been working on this whole time it's gonna be really sweet

And I had to somehow outdo last time, which was awesome. So it's like, how do I how do I do better than that? Come and you will see. Otherwise, be awesome. I'll get you guys soon. Bye.