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cover of episode How to set boundaries and find peace (w/ Nedra Glover Tawwab) (re-release)

How to set boundaries and find peace (w/ Nedra Glover Tawwab) (re-release)

2024/12/30
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How to Be a Better Human
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Chris Duffy: 本期节目讨论了设定界限的挑战，以及为什么对许多人来说，设定界限是一件困难的事情。节目主持人分享了他个人在设定界限方面的不足，并引出了与治疗师Nedra Glover Tawwab的访谈。 Nedra Glover Tawwab: Nedra Glover Tawwab 是一位治疗师，也是畅销书《设定界限，获得平静》和《无戏剧人生》的作者。她在节目中分享了设定界限的重要性，澄清了健康界限的含义，并提供了实用的工具，帮助人们为自己发声，获得应有的尊重和对待。她强调设定界限并非粗鲁，而是自我保护和维护健康关系的一种方式。她还指出，设定界限不仅需要口头表达，更需要实际行动来执行和强化。如果不这样做，对方可能会继续越界，而你实际上是在默许他们的行为。 Nedra Glover Tawwab: Nedra 指出，设定界限的第一步是关注你最常抱怨的事情，并更快地做出反应。界限可以随着时间推移而改变，不必永远保持不变，也不需要对所有人设定相同的界限。设定界限不必总是进行大型谈话，可以在当下轻松地进行，甚至可以以开玩笑的方式进行，但要确保你的态度是认真的。 Nedra Glover Tawwab: Nedra 指出，许多人在界限方面挣扎，例如，感到不堪重负以及无法满足他人的期望，以及不寻求帮助，试图独自完成所有事情。她鼓励人们学会说不，重视重要的关系，而不是所有社交义务，并学会寻求帮助，而不是试图独自完成所有事情。寻求帮助需要脆弱和承认不完美，这在北美文化中常常被认为是负面的。我们应该拥抱从他人那里获得帮助的需求，而不是过度强调独立性。 Nedra Glover Tawwab: Nedra 强调，你无法改变他人，但你可以要求他们尊重你的请求，如果他们不尊重，你就有选择权。当你在与一个人设定界限时，其他家庭成员可能会感到被冒犯，这时你需要清楚地表达你的选择。降低对亲密关系的标准是不健康的，你应该有权选择与谁分享信息。设定界限意味着对生活中所有的人都要有相同的标准。你不需要喜欢你的婆婆，你可以选择与任何人的互动程度。纠缠是指我们的情感、精神和身体与他人纠缠在一起，当一方想要自主时就会产生问题。依赖是指我们拯救或被拯救于消极和不健康的行为中，这常常发生在有物质滥用或财务问题的家庭成员之间。 Nedra Glover Tawwab: 并非所有故事都有完美的结局，有些问题无法通过努力就能解决。在悲伤咨询中，治疗师可以提供空间去悲伤，但无法保证悲伤的持续时间。在不安全或遭受虐待的关系中，安全是首要考虑因素，决定是否结束一段关系取决于个人。结束有毒的家庭关系是一个艰难的过程，需要寻求支持。结束一段关系后，允许自己悲伤和怀念是正常的，随着时间的推移，悲伤会逐渐减轻。当担心孩子因设定界限而陷入困境时，要考虑你的帮助是否在纵容他们的行为。在成瘾问题中，家人的操纵和依赖行为很常见，寻求支持很重要。文化在界限的设定中扮演着重要角色，有些文化会抑制界限的设定，但文化也在不断变化。“无戏剧生活”是指即使存在冲突，也能避免高强度的争吵、冷战和其他不健康的互动方式。你可以改变你的关系，通过改变你自己的行为来改善你的生活。

Deep Dive

Key Insights

Why is it important to set boundaries in relationships?

Setting boundaries is crucial for creating healthier relationships and ensuring that individuals feel respected and valued. It helps people communicate their needs clearly and prevents them from being overwhelmed or taken advantage of. Boundaries also empower individuals to advocate for themselves and maintain their mental well-being.

What is the difference between enmeshment and codependency?

Enmeshment occurs when individuals are emotionally, mentally, and physically entangled with someone else, often leading to a lack of autonomy. Codependency, on the other hand, involves rescuing or being rescued from negative and unhealthy behaviors, such as enabling a family member with addiction issues. While enmeshment focuses on emotional closeness, codependency revolves around dependency and enabling behaviors.

How can culture influence boundary setting?

Culture can discourage boundary setting due to traditions and expectations of enmeshment within families. In some communities, stepping away from cultural norms can be seen as offensive. However, cultures evolve over time, and individuals can create their own personal culture by setting boundaries that align with their needs and values.

What are some practical steps to start setting boundaries?

To begin setting boundaries, pay attention to recurring complaints, such as someone interrupting work or not listening. React faster to these issues rather than letting them persist for years. Boundaries can shift over time and don’t need to apply to everyone. They can be set in the moment, sometimes even in a lighthearted or joking manner, while still being serious.

Why is it challenging to enforce boundaries after setting them?

Enforcing boundaries is difficult because people often assume that stating a boundary is enough, but it requires consistent behavior to reinforce it. For example, if someone continues to call during work hours despite being told not to, the boundary is only enforced by not answering the call. Many struggle with this because they fear missing something important or appearing rude.

What is the role of guilt in boundary setting?

Guilt is often used as a tool to make individuals conform to others' expectations, especially during childhood. Many people feel guilty about setting boundaries because they perceive it as rude or selfish. However, guilt should not deter individuals from advocating for their needs, as boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and self-respect.

How can boundaries help with overcommitment and time management?

Boundaries allow individuals to prioritize their time and avoid overcommitting to social or work obligations. By saying no to less important tasks or events, people can focus on relationships and activities that truly matter to them. This helps reduce overwhelm and ensures that time is spent in alignment with personal values.

What are some signs that a relationship may need to be ended?

A relationship may need to be ended if it is physically or emotionally unsafe, involves abuse, or consistently violates boundaries. While ending a relationship can be difficult and involve grief, it is sometimes necessary for mental and emotional well-being. Support from therapy, friends, or family can help navigate this process.

How does asking for help relate to boundary setting?

Asking for help requires vulnerability and admitting that one cannot do everything alone, which aligns with setting boundaries. It challenges the stigma around independence and perfectionism, encouraging individuals to seek support when needed. This fosters healthier relationships and mental well-being by acknowledging the importance of community and interdependence.

What is the difference between drama and conflict in relationships?

Drama involves high-intensity arguments, silent treatments, gossip, and frequent chaos, often handled poorly. Conflict, on the other hand, is a natural part of relationships but can be managed in a caring and constructive way. Drama-free relationships focus on resolving disagreements without unnecessary chaos or emotional turmoil.

Shownotes Transcript

Telling other people what you want – or need – can be a really difficult thing to do! Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist and New York Times bestselling author who helps people create healthy boundaries with themselves and others, both at work and in personal relationships. In this episode, she talks about why identifying your needs is so important, clarifies what healthy boundaries can look like and shares empowering tools so you can advocate for yourself – and get the treatment you deserve. For the full text transcript, visit go.ted.com/BHTranscripts Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy) for more information.