S4 - Ep. 60 - Chris & Karen
59:20 Share

This is exactly right. This message is sponsored by Greenlight. We all know the old saying about teaching a man to fish. And as parents, we want our kids to learn the things that will set them up for success. So this holiday season, give kids money skills that last well beyond 2024 with Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app made for families where kids learn how to save, invest, and spend wisely with parental controls built in. Sign up today at greenlight.com slash Spotify.

Greenlight.com slash Spotify. Church's fans keep it real, and we got to reward that. Church's real rewards makes it real easy to save real coin real fast, like in real time. Get a free two-piece chicken or three-piece tenders with your first purchase when you sign up.

Mouth horn.

do you need a ride do you need a ride do you need a ride do you need a ride do you need a ride

Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride?

And I'm back. Welcome home. Thank you. How was it? It was great. I went to Montana for a quick visit, but it didn't seem quick. You know why? Why? I think we went through four different seasons. Oh, really? Yeah. And my theory about seasons making life seem to...

drag on if you're a pessimistic or last longer if you're optimistic. It's true. I thought that maybe I was just thinking that because, oh, when you're young, you just remember more things and everything is more memorable. And the reason life has flown by, I was blaming it on being 75 here every day and you don't feel time passing.

And I think I'm right because that whole week was like, when I got there, it was 100. Then it was fire time. That's a season in Montana, just smoke and kind of gloomy. Then it rained and washed away all the smoke. And then after that, it just smelled like fall and the leaves started to change. It was like, so I remembered every single day because...

Each moment in that week had its own setting, if that makes any sense. Absolutely. And maybe even an event, because that all sounds like kind of danger weather sometimes. Right. Yeah. Here and there. It was riddled with events. So that probably is also why. It was just a quick trip that didn't seem quick. It seemed like a nice week. It's fun to do. I did a festival in Bozeman.

And there's a comedy club in Montana now, and I've wanted that my whole life. And there's a local scene. And Montana Comics, I mean, that's something I thought would never happen. And now it's happening? It is happening. And when you got there, did they reject you at first, and then you had to win them over by a series of trial and error? And then, so on the day it rained, you had to go to one of their house? Like, tell us about it. Right. No, it was not like...

You know our experience at Bridgetown where you're... There isn't like... It seems like you're all hanging out together. I had shows... I had a show in Livingston and I had to drive to this town and there was an audience and a couple openers and I didn't see anyone else in the festival. Aw. Like there were shows kind of in that area. Right. In Montana. And...

Livingston was a place when I was a kid was just a mountain town. And now it is a celebrity riddled so much money. Just overrun with celebrities. Yeah. And I can tell that they're a little like they could smell the California on me. And they're like, there was a little bit of a guarded, you know how in Spain they're

spraying tourists with water because they're staying there and the prices of everything are going up. I think that's kind of happening in parts of Montana too. - I bet it is, yeah. - Yeah, and so I have to be like, "I'm from Missoula and I went to Paxton Elementary." That's always what I have to announce. - As you walk down the street, you're yelling that? - Usually I roll down my window, especially when I was driving through with California plates. People were literally flipping me off. Like, "Look at this California guy."

Yeah. Coming with his not so shiny 08 Honda Accord. And then I rolled down my windows. I went to Paxson. And then they're like, oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that's kind of a funny thing, too, because the assumption is, oh, you're only from California and you're only coming. Like, the story could only be that, that you are a transplant from California. Right. That you aren't coming back to California.

to your home. Yeah, God forbid I left and tried to make something of myself. Jesus Christ, and now he's bringing money back into the community and you're pushing him away? I think I'm gonna make a t-shirt that says, "I grew up here." And if I go to Spain, I'm gonna make a shirt that says, "I'm only here for a week. I leave Wednesday."

And I won't drag my roller suitcase across the cobblestones and keep you up at night the way every other tourist asshole does. Yeah, holding my phone in the air trying to get a signal. Pardon me, do you speak English? I mean, because I do think it's like...

Like the air be a vacation of the world has made people hate each other, but they shouldn't hate each other. They should hate Airbnb who is, you know, encouraging people to rent out their apartment. And so suddenly your, you know, your neighborhood that truly was just a normal neighborhood is now some sort of like a tourist area with a bunch of loud people.

We could say Americans. We could also say British. We can say any number of foreigners that they don't like. Right. And oh my gosh, when I went to Vancouver, it was almost eerie how there's just condos everywhere and they're all empty and just solely being used for Airbnb and whoever owns them.

is living somewhere else because they can make more money renting out their home to pay the mortgage and then also the little place where they have to raise their kids. And then they look off in the distance and see their nice house.

Place that they used to live. They're high rise. Yeah, exactly. It's not ideal. No. It's not a good situation. Welcome to Economy Talk. Hey, we need to talk about the realities of the housing crisis, everybody. It's a comedy podcast, for God's sake. We all know that it started in 2008.

The crash. Yep. That's all I know. Goodbye. Maybe I should do some research. Goodbye. Oh, is that my sister? Oh, that's so funny. Every time. But it actually wasn't her this time. Oh, okay. Can't blame her. Can't blame her like I like to. I'm still going to blame her. Even though that was someone else. She had them. She had them call.

She's having other people call Sew All Pick Up. So by the time this airs, we're probably in the midst of Halloween fever, I guess. I'm burning up. Yeah, it's sure hot out here for fall, y'all. I have no idea what I'm going to do costume-wise. Let's talk through what your options are. You could go...

Current, you know, pop culture. Sure. What are your choices there? Ooh. Boy, I mean...

If I could rattle a bunch off, there would be no problem. Oh, I see. I get you. Yeah. What if you dress up like Taylor Swift? I'm just saying to kind of turn everything on its ear, but then you'll also get a lot of positive attention from Swifties and the people you meet in the street. I would not dress up like Taylor. I would wear a giant like board, like foam board, and I would print on it her tweet of support for the show.

where she says, "Signed lovingly, a single cat lady." - Single cat lady, yeah. - I would have that tweet and I'd walk around as,

That's her tweet. How about that? That's a good idea. That's a good idea. Okay, let's just keep doing this for a little while. You know, I do like objects that aren't human or characters. You know, I'm not going to go as Frankenstein or something like that. It has to be an object. When you say object, first thing I think of is the world's most popular object right now, the Cybertruck. What if you...

- Ooh. - Go as a Cybertruck. - This is a good idea, covered with raccoons. - Yes. - And then as the driver, I could be human garbage. That's why they're climbing in. - Yes, because there's human garbage driving that thing. - That's great. - This is really great. - And someone will, if I dress like a trash man and create this geometric car that I'm walking around in, spray painted silver, it's gonna cost me a total of 20 bucks. - Yep.

People will see, oh, you're a trash man. And I, of course, have to have a raccoon peeling up the hood. Yes. That's a whole story. And lots of raccoon prints, which just so you know, lots of people know that story because I've seen lots of people talking about it and like sharing it and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Love it. You know what? We did it.

I think that's what I'm going to do. That was a two pitch process. That's I love it. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. This is I thought of the garbage driver. What? Yeah, you did. No, no, you were right there with it. What other things we need to get solved today? Because that's the energy right now. Well, let's go back to the economy because we are we are the one we're on a one two punch kick where we just solve things with two ideas. Easy, easy. We should. Do you want to back up?

costume idea in case that falls apart somehow. Because it literally might fall apart. Literally could. Boy, my backup will be

utilizing the fake legs I made last year for my Elvis on a toilet. - Sure. Was that last year? - It had to be the year before. - It feels like it's five years ago, but you know, it's your life, not mine. - You're right. Maybe it was three years ago. I didn't use it again. It's just in my garage. - Do you see that place is called Ribs Against the Machine?

- Holy shit, I'm not kidding. A restaurant called Ribs Against the Machine, right here in Glendale, California, everybody. - That's almost stealing my idea for a restaurant called Let the Pizzas Hit the Floor. - Nuh-uh. ♪ Let the pizzas hit the floor ♪ ♪ Let the pizzas hit the floor ♪ ♪ Let the pizzas hit the floor ♪ - Have you seen the cover of

Or it's them, whoever it is, not disturbed. System of a down? It is a little more nickelbacky. The band that does Let the Bodies Hit the Floor. But someone did a like kids song version of it.

cut with the live performance. Oh, we're going the wrong way and I'm so scared. No one can tell us. We can't. So it's like, let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor. But it's actual footage of them all sweaty at like OzFest.

And I don't know why, if someone described it like I just did to you, I don't think it sounds like something I would watch ten times in a row, but I sure did. It's a damn delight. It worked on you. Yeah, I'm here to promote that.

Support for today's episode comes from OneSkin. It's officially spooky season, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with the zombie cells lurking under your skin. That's what they're called. Zombie cells can speed up the appearance of aging, leading to wrinkles, fine lines, and a decrease in skin elasticity. Sounds like a horror movie, right? Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

But there's no need to fear. One Skin has you covered. One Skin is a skincare brand focused on keeping your skin healthy as you age. As you get older, your skin starts to produce these zombie cells. These cells stop working properly and even make the healthy cells around them less effective.

OneSkin's unique OS1 peptide helps your skin cells repair damage and even reverse the signs of aging from the inside out. Their products don't just treat the surface, they work at the cellular level to help your skin stay strong, hydrated,

and youthful. One skin isn't just about looking perfect, it's about giving your skin the support it needs to stay healthy and strong no matter your age. But the nice side effect is your skin looks perfect and I'm not even kidding. I've gotten compliments from close to half a block away. I really daily

depend now on the One Skin topical supplement. I use the eye cream, and it's hard to find a good eye cream. This one truly works. One Skin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. For a limited time, you can try One Skin with 15% off using code RASPEN.

ride at one skin.co that's 15% off one skin.co with code ride R I D E. After you purchase the last way you heard about them, please support our show and tell them we sent you give your skin the scientifically proven gentle care it deserves with one skin. Thank you. You're welcome. We're in a, uh, let's mom and pop coffee shop. Stop.

Hi, can I get a medium dunka latte? Okay. I was looking for like an iced coffee drink. Is it, are you out of all coffee? Okay, can I get a regular iced latte then?

And then, do you want a drink? I think I'm good. Annalise, what would you like? Oh, can I get a decaf iced coffee with a little bit of half and half? And what size? Oh, like medium. Can we get a medium decaf iced coffee with a little bit of, what did you say? Half and half. With a little half and half in it? And then I think we should get some munchkins, right? Can we get the 10-piece munchkins? And that's going to be it. Okay, thank you. I know we've talked about munchkins.

And it wasn't a conversation about the Wizard of Oz. Have we eaten them? I think so. We must have. I think that they're the kind of item I would absolutely have to get if I was here. Affirmative. Last time we recorded. We did. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Paper towel? I've noticed several times-- Thank you. --that this car-- Thank you. That's amazing. Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

- It's so funny. - Thank you, have a good one. - Yeah, your little map car embarrassingly drove through toilet paper.

But it's coming out the front. More embarrassing. Oh, yeah. Front toilet paper. Because that means you moonwalked out of the bathroom. That means that you wiped yourself as weirdly as you possibly could. Yeah, that's what I do. On backwards day, I wipe the front and I moonwalk out.

I'll take it all the way to the bathroom. I don't even give a shit. Yeah, I'm all backwards because today I'm doing my crazy character, John Tesla. Should I crack these open? Please do. I mean, dare I? You've got to. It's time for everyone's favorite segment. What am I eating? Food ASMR. Cutting now? Yes, I will. Yep.

You can tell by that reaction that that was a chocolate one, right? It was a jelly, actually. Oh. I would have thought more like a subdued mmm once the jelly hits. Mmm. Where you go up high. Mmm. I start making cow noises. Yeah. It's just two-tone. Just two-tone. Like the first wave of ska. I think it's because...

Although I was very excited to be eating a tiny jelly donut. Mm-hmm. It was a little dry to the point of I don't recognize what this substance is. Right. That's exactly it. Plus, we're really under a lot of pressure. The guilt of eating...

Not because of calories, but because we're recording. It always hits on that first bite. Yep. But it's hard to say, I'm sorry when you got a mouthful of deliciousness. There's an essential selfishness to podcasting that I don't understand why the audience expects us not to eat. We're clearly narcissists that do whatever's good for us. Right.

Right. And what's no longer good for us is doing what this podcast originally was. Let's go to the airport. We are driven by our own desires. Yeah. And in this, the world of 2024, who isn't? Exactly. I mean, that's just the way of the world these days. Yes. Which is good. Everyone should drive, quit doing what other people want you to do.

Yeah. That's right. And what you should be doing instead of that is going to Dunkin' Donuts, a strictly East Coast restaurant that is now open on the West Coast that us West Coasters are like,

What the hell's going on over here? Why is this part of people's lives? - Right. - Why do they love it this deeply? - Right, and you think, oh, it's for breakfast only, for that balanced breakfast. No, we're having it at 4:00 p.m. This is between lunch and dinner, munchkins.

I still feel uneasy saying that. Are we sure that's just a character from a movie? Yeah, I mean it's their trademarked product. It's basically we're eating a box of Oompa Loompas. There's no other way to describe it. And it isn't, I don't think it is negative toward anybody or anything. Okay.

Well, now it's almost like people know what I'm thinking, but I'm dancing around it. Right. The dance is over. I know you're looking for a big finishing move where I explain. I thought maybe it was a word that was tossed around for little people, and I'm glad it isn't.

There's my finishing dance move. I promised and I delivered. Incredible. Yes. The audio equivalent of a robot. I think that word is the source word for people being shitty to little people. And so being casual about it

When we're talking about donut holes, it feels like we're being pulled into some negative areas that we have no interest in. Yeah. Business in. Right. It's not our, that's not our thing. It's just a word I don't normally say. Yeah. You know, throw it in the category with moist and the other ones that people don't like. Portion. Portion bothers you? Oh my God, my sister and I, it was the way my mom used to say it.

And she would always, it was always like a thing. You should take a much smaller portion. And we would both like, my sister and I would both like get creepy chills when she would say it. Like, please don't say that word anymore. Right. I'm similar with the word vehicle. Especially when someone puts a strong H in there. Yeah. Just say car.

Like any cop or law enforcement officer that's trying to explain something in a TV show. Yeah. Vehicle, the word ascertained. Just use the word that everyone knows.

Quit trying to smarten it up. They love V-Hickle. What kind of Hickle? The V-Kind. What Hickle? That was a throwaway moment that never got a laugh in Robert Hawkins' act. That's another example of early life for me with comedy. I...

memorized the acts of all the first comics I opened for Eddie Gosling, Robert Hawkins, everyone I thought was funny. I, like, watched their shows every night. And because your brain is young and you've done little damage to it, I still remember so many... But Robert Hawkins is, to me, different. Because he is such a good comedian and such an original thinker. Mm-hmm.

it's like, there was just no way to not try to drink everything he said and did down because it was just like, I just need to know what the fuck is going on here. Yeah. Um, and he is like, you know, the joke, I think it was his opener when he would be like,

you know what I don't like? Others. Yeah, yeah. And you would say others in that weird fucking voice. Like, all of that stuff where you're just like, this is, it's a comedy act, but it's actually just your personality. Right. So it's like you're meeting one of the weirdest people you could meet. Right. In the most entertaining way. Yeah, and it was, it was permission for me early on to do

Weird stuff, because I remember as funny as I thought he was and as hard as all the other comics were laughing, a lot of his best jokes weren't getting anything from the...

audience in 2001 Austin. Well, he wasn't timing it so that they would get it. He was doing it either fast or subtle or whatever. He was doing it for himself. Yeah, yeah. And I still do that to this day. When I know, better. But it's what makes it fun. You know what else I don't like? It's not a word.

When a person makes any cat noise, a meow or a rear or a hiss or especially on a sensual level,

Meow. Like, I will sever ties. Yes. On first offense. Really? No discussion? No warning? Yeah. Do not meow. Do not make kitty noises. Really? Even if you're amazing at them and it's like, oh my gosh, that sounds like a cat. No, the more realistic it gets, the more they're out. Yeah. Have you ever seen adults that do an amazing crying baby noise? Mm-mm.

No, because you leave before you can get to know them. Because you're like, why did you learn this? Yes, yes. Where are these cars going? What's that car doing? That one's having trouble. Gotcha. And they're over it. Now they're doing okay. They didn't realize.

that everyone was going. And that was just turning. But it did seem like, okay, if you're stopped before the intersection, is it bad that we're in the middle of it? You clearly see something about to happen. You're going to delay us in just the perfect way to be... Oh, I'm going to take a nice little drive around this beautiful neighborhood. I like it over here. Yeah. Yeah, right.

I like all the neighborhoods around studio lots. Yeah, that's where the, it's usually like a sound guy will live very close there because they're made of money. What do you think came first, the New York Film Academy or New York Seltzer? Because there's a lawsuit with that font. The font is a total ripoff.

Does anyone remember New York seltzer? I could tell you all about New York seltzer. We, as high school girls, were convinced it was diet because it was seltzer. And it was clear. It was clear, and it was from New York, and it said seltzer, and we were like, oh, my God, this is the best. It'll get us through summer. And I remember somebody, I think it was my mom, being like, clear.

Girls, that's just like drinking a Coke. And more so. It was on tap in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho at Senior Froggy's. Why? I do not. After none of us had seen those tiny bottles and the package, like the wrapper around it was a thin layer of foam. Remember that? That's right. So it was like a cushy. Yeah. And it was on tap into the 2000s.

And it was so sweet. Granted, you know, when you're doing your own pump fountain version, you can get the sweet levels too high. Yeah, they may have just deregulated it.

But as I recall, sweeter than a Mountain Dew on a Sunday. On a Sunday, the ice cream, that's extra sweet. I mean, just so remember drinking that and then think of all of us being so stoked that this was the new version of diet soda.

Right. Where we were just like, this is going to be the best summer ever. Summer of 1985. Here we go. Oh, I didn't know eating healthy could make my teeth hurt. I'm so healthy. I now wear size 12 jeans.

If you're a renter, you might feel like you're just watching your money slip away with each monthly payment. But what if those rent payments could unlock amazing rewards for you? That's where Built Rewards comes in. Built is breaking ground as a neighborhood rewards program that hooks you up with points on your rent.

Every month, pay your rent and watch the built points roll in. Use those points to jet off on a dream vacation. Put your points toward a flight or a hotel stay with 500 plus airlines and 700,000 plus hotels and properties. You can also use your points to book fitness studio classes, redeem them toward a future rent payment. They're designed to meet your lifestyle. Pay rent hassle-free through the Built Rewards app.

Your rent game just got a major upgrade, okay? Built points have been consistently ranked the highest value point currency by the points guy and Bankrate. So earn points by paying rent right now when you go to joinbuilt.com.

That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T dot com slash D-Y-N-A-R. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Join built.com slash Dynar to start earning points with your rent payments today. Thank you, and you're welcome.

When you share your food, you share your heart. So what's on your table this holiday season? Save on your festive feast at Fry's with delicious deals on all the holiday classics. Or wow the crowd with something new, like a quinoa-stuffed butternut squash. It's sure to add a pop of color to your spread. How about a sweet potato casserole with a crunchy oat streusel topping, made with care for the sweet tooth and the savory tooth? With Fry's, fill your table with love and watch as your guests' hearts get as full as their bellies

Fries. Fresh for everyone. Do you think this...

man walking a dog has ever been to a renaissance festival. Where, where, where? The corner. That's the kind of thing where that's just bad radio. He has... I think he does own at least one sword. Yes. He has a good... But they're nice swords and they have meaning. He can tell you about them for five minutes. And maybe it's something he studied like he loves Japan or something like that. So he's like, this is actually a katana...

I'm not just one of those people. And you're like, no, I totally get it. Knowing full well he's one of those people. There is a horrifying DVD that I was handed outside of Ace Hardware.

once that said cold steel colon more proof and it was a promotional DVD they were just handing it out I took it home and it's the most insane rewatchable with 12 of my friends laughing out loud it starts with this is how sharp our knives are

and you can send them back and we'll sharpen them. It almost seems like a Cutco video. And then it gets into the swords and the, like, javelins, and they're throwing them at, like, rubber animals in slow motion. And then these guys have swords and they're cutting into cuts of meat in a scary, like, torture chamber. And they're all, like, dads that...

have high-waisted pants and transitions lenses, but you can tell they know a little bit of martial arts too. Yeah. And then, at the end of the video, this guy's just breaking into a parked car to show how strong this battle axe is. No. Yes, they're cutting into animals hanging on chains.

And I know I have to have a little bit of animal sadness. And in the end, they're like, do you ever wish you had an axe that could cut into the roof of a car? And it shows him peeling up the metal and smiling. From inside the car? Yes. It's like it's supposed to be.

A comedy video. That then turns into a horror movie. Yeah, but when I worked for Fuel TV, we had to do these interstitials just to, you know, play between commercials, remind people that they ordered deep cable. And I found that guy. Oh, shit. Yeah. Cold Steel is in...

Ventura. And he drove down and we did this sketch where I was like on a date and her dad comes home and he cuts through the wall and there's a sword and we used a smoke machine. It was like really insane. But he knew it was kind of fun to meet him because he did know. That he was being funny? Yeah. Even though he was scary and these are murder weapons. They're all, they're saying these swords are for defense against another human. And who...

Who, it's the last thing any sane person wants to do is defend themselves with a giant katana sword. Or like buy a javelin. Like what is the, I thought that would be a very specialized sports supply kind of situation. In the video, when they throw it at a rubber rat, it says these javelins are great for dispatching vermin. And I couldn't stop but thinking. That's absolutely not true. Yeah, it's, I thought of vermin like telling a taxi where to go pick up a client. Dispatch?

Dispatch? But into a javelin. Yeah. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah, these are great for killing. And they were very expensive, like they're handmade swords. Anyway, that's the kind, that guy, who we've totally forgotten about. The nice boy with long hair and flip flops. He was just a nice boy that played the bass. And we put a whole other world onto him. Right.

I'm standing by a sword collection. Yeah. I know I've told you this story, but it just makes me think of one of the scariest experiences of my life, but nothing actually happened, where I had to bring my dog to the dog park. My dog, George, who used to have to run like a horse every morning or she would lose her mind. And so I'd bring her up to the Hollywood dog park at like six in the morning.

And one morning I was up there by myself with a dog running in circles, and I look up on a hill, and there's just a guy in a full ninja outfit with a mask over his face, just doing sword exercises. With a real sword? A real sword. Oh, yeah. So I was at the dog park with the sword guy, and I was just like, what's going to happen now? Is this how I die? That's pretty picturesque. Yeah, you can't bring... I mean, that guy...

He knows what he's doing. You're supposed to bring your wooden kendo sword. Yes. Please show me you're practicing. Yes. But no, he was. And also he was on a far hill. So it's not like I was like, well, if this guy starts running, at least we'll have a decent chance to run to the car. But like, again, you just don't want to be anywhere where it's just you and a guy and his sword. Who has his face covered? Face covered outfit.

Everything about it was, I was like, well, we may not get out of this. George, it's been great raising you. Dog park, you're great too. Bye, everybody. Oh, wow. That is terrifying. It was a little wild. Yeah. There, yeah, there's a lot of eccentrics up in those mountains. This town, who was I just talking to about it?

Oh, my friend Paige, who just came home from like being in the East Coast and she's from the East Coast and she's like, "Yeah, I can just get back to LA." I'm like, "I know. It's okay. You'll rebalance. It takes a couple days." She was like, "Yeah, this is a hard one." Paige that's been here last comic standing? Paige, your friend? Yes. Yes, she's the best. My friend and your friend. And my friend too. Yeah. I said that as if it was a third option.

My friend and your friend. And also mine. And my friend, too. Let's not forget, also your friend. That was actually what you just did is a classic youngest sibling move, which is you know you're not going to be remembered or considered. So you are just in a constant state of fighting for your spot all of life. Yeah, yeah. Or it's just a classic podcast habit where I have to get in the last word. Well.

Well, I mean, whatever. Holy shit, there's a poster that says SNL 50. It's been on for 50 years? I guess that makes sense. Good God. Quick, who was the first cast? Eddie Murphy. Did I win? You did, I think. Elaine Boosler. Is that one? No. No, I'm making up a name. Lorraine Newman. Lorraine Newman. I rode in a van with her once.

Did you make her talk about SNL? I did not recognize her. Oh.

We just talked about regular stuff. Nice. Like the time I went to Montreal and I was on a bus and I thought, well, no one here is affiliated with comedy. And I sat next to Zoe Friedman, not having any idea who she is. And she didn't know who I was. And we just had a nice chat. Nice. And both of us realized, oh, you're here for the thing.

Oh, yeah, I'm here for that too. And it's like, too late, we're already friends. And that friendship has prevailed. - Really? - Yes. Oh, that's fun. And every time I see Zoe, I'm like, remember that time we met on a bus and we became friends before we knew comedy was a thing we had in common? And we're both walking away from each other as we say it. That's why. And she's like, stop talking about that. I swear she's also bringing it up.

Actually, it is usually. She likes it too. Upon further introspect, it is always me. It is always me. It's a fun joke. This is a very nostalgic area for us both. Yes. Especially you. Yeah, I used to. We're in your old neighborhood. It's my old neighborhood. It seems relatively the same, but I think this is one of those, this is a Bozeman situation. Right. Where all the people that live here are...

I mean, I lived what I would call adjacent to the rich people living in Toluca Lake. Yeah. I like this area. I think it's nice. It is nice. It's one of those parts of Los Angeles where you suddenly realize, oh, I could be in any town right now. Yeah. It's very normal. This is why I like the valley. Because it's definitely much more like people that are just trying to like...

Get like the honey baked ham store used to be right there. People are just trying to get ham. It's like that kind of vibe Let's just get a nice a nice fun ham for 12 and see what we can stir up I do not even try to give me ham that isn't baked with honey What else would you put on it? Yeah, I need savory sweet ham, okay

You know what? I'm off the ham. I don't think I've eaten ham for years. I don't like ham, actually. Yeah, it's squeaky. It's too salty. It's too salty. It's too squeaky. It's so salty, it makes me... You're right. I do want honey on it to balance out this saltiness. I wonder if... You know how they say that, like, in the morning, you should get up and then you should drink water that has salt in it and da-da-da? It's like kind of a...

It's like one of those influencer, this is the best way to spend your morning. I wonder if that also applies. What if you get up and then you drink some water and then you just eat a little slice of ham? Yeah. That's a lot of salt. Yeah, the salt is good for getting rid of sore throats or canker sores. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you like that? Did you like that one? Yeah, well, it's the only reason I've ever knowingly drank salt. It's because I feel the old lymph nodes are swelling. Well, apparently it's the new workout trick or something. I don't know.

I also don't like ham, because I like little pigs. But sometimes, when I'm eating something, and no one tells me, and there's bacon in it, and it's in my mouth, I'm like, oops, this is a delicious mistake. Yeah. And I finish eating it, and I like it. It's not your fault that someone tricked you into eating the...

Exactly. Basically something with the intelligence of a fifth grader. I'll eat anything if someone else puts it in my mouth and blindfolds me. I'll eat anything that has the intelligence of a fifth grader. Oh, no. Because they fight. Okay, I'll never. That's it. I didn't know what grade they were in. Yeah. It's getting worse and worse. Yeah. Most of them are from Jeff Foxworthy's show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? It's the featured fifth graders that they make ham out of. Everyone knows.

Everyone forgot that existed until now. Hi. Wait, did they? They did have actual fifth graders. Yeah. So along, I would be petrified to play that because I know math that they're currently learning that I've since forgotten because as we all knew when we were learning it,

you never end up using this math again. No, it doesn't matter. So it goes away. Long division, multiplication of fractions, a kid would mop the floor with me. Yeah. But also, it's like you have a calculator or you're paying somebody else to do it. Right. It's really the use of it. It just doesn't make sense.

Why they focus so much on that and they don't focus on like emotional intelligence or using logic to get your way out of something dumb you got into. Right. Anything like that. You mean school when we were kids? Yeah. Yeah. The gaps. Yeah. How about anything about another country? Can we learn anything? Anything about history? Could I please have one civics course that isn't taught by a gym teacher? Yeah.

Who's just going through the motions. Some gym teachers love it and mean it. Yes. But then when they're faking it, I mean, there's, I actually took a class in college before I went ahead and left. Skateboard. And it was a history class I was very excited to take because it was like ancient Rome or something where I was like, oh, I don't know anything about this and I would really actually like to be educated on it. Right.

And this teacher was... Had this... Clearly taught this class for, like, 20 years. And was just reciting out of her book. That, like, it was almost random, the things that she was saying. It wasn't, like, linear. It wasn't chronological. Right. Anything. Here's why...

Columbus is a hero. Like, they still taught that when I was in high school. Yeah. And I knew, I was like, wait a minute. Haven't we heard opposite? Oh, that's what's in the book? And you have a football game tonight? So you just got to do it? Yeah. Get it done? Yeah, when I said gym teacher, I did mean, like, the football coach, who I didn't know had any academic role at the high school. And then all of a sudden...

you're going to learn about the world and he's still wearing his bike shorts. Not for bicycling, but that... The brand? Yes. Only that's like, there's an age cutoff that won't remember the short polyester coat shorts that say bike on them. And the very fun realization as a kid that bike in French means penis. So much fun. Yes. Yes.

Is that true? You mean the part of the body I can see most vividly in this man? That's what's written on the back? The vivid penis of a gym coach. Oh, this man's walking through traffic against the light. Yeah. Sir, sir, sir. At least there's a cautionary swing to his arms. Yeah, he's making a little bit of a scene about it. Yeah. I hate those ones, though.

Yeah, I don't understand the, you know what, I'm going to go for it. What's the worst that could happen style of jaywalking? Especially in this, because, listener, we are in the intersection of death here in the valley in North Hollywood. It's the intersection of Camarillo and...

Lancashire and Vineland. As you zoom in now on a Google map. Do it and look at it. Yeah, you're in satellite mode. We'll wait. So find that and see that it is shaped like a pentagram. Yes. This is the Devil's Crossing.

And luckily there are lights so that people can't just do it willy nilly. But like every, I've lived in this city for 30 years. I never know if I'm doing it right in this intersection. It's so scary. Yeah. And there's even median islands. So what is this? It's actually just three roads, but they're divided up. So it becomes six. It's like six one-way roads.

all going it's chaotic please again look at google i'd rather be blindly going through the roundabout at big ben i'd rather be fishing my other car is a bicycle my other car is my gym coach's bike shorts

Please, people are going to want that in the merch now. We're going to have to do a deal with the bike shorts company. They're like, we got one. They go back in business. We're like, it's the 80s again. My other car is my gym teacher's bike shorts. It's so funny. Okay.

- Ah, ah. - Ah. It's, you know what it is? It's those donut holes talking. - That is. It's, right now, we are on a rapid fire sugar high. - Yes. - And come up on this light, as it turns red, we're both gonna crash. - Yes. - Metaphorically.

I mean, I was just talking to, I think it was Allison Agosti the other day about that, that basically I finally learned later in life that what I was doing all through kind of grammar school and high school was just getting high on sugar. It was like, and then at some point later in high school, I started drinking, which is like, oh, this is way better, faster way to do it. But the younger version that would, that was just me eating like

to candy bars and going fucking bananas and saying a bunch of crazy shit and being like, that's, you're so funny. And it's like, no, no, I'm just addicted to sugar and this is, I can't control the output after I eat it. It really is early, let me,

Get the energy needed to entertain other kids early in life. It's your first version of alcohol. Yeah. Alcohol, coincidentally, as you're an adult, in your body after you drink it, turns to sugar. Turns to sugar. It's all sugar. Yeah. That's why we're walking around with a limp. Too much sugar. Especially her. That's more of a style strut. Think so? Yeah. She's got her tote bag. She knows...

Why she's got it. She knows how to tote it. She knows. She totally knows that it's meant for one book and a stock of celery. She's like, I don't go to school. I'm just walking around. This is, there's a college around here somewhere. So there is like a college-y atmosphere for this like three block radius. It's kind of funny. Yeah. In the valley. It's true. Because I went to the 24 Hour Fitness. Yes.

Just like, oh, I'll try out this new one since I've been with them so long that I pay like $20 a month. You've been with them so long. I've been with 24 Hour Fitness back when they were called Norwest. Jesus Christ.

No, that's my bank. Norwest turned to Wells Fargo. Whatever. The point is, they were a different gym. You were with Wells Fargo before? Yes. The wagons? Before the... Well, the wagon people went in and bought the Norwest people. I think the wagons were always around, but...

But I remember one day I just like, hey, congratulations. You're the bank that reminds you of, oh, yeah, OK, that's going to be my that's a sign. I am going to be a cyber truck with raccoons on it with a trash driver.

And now let's talk about how hard it will be when I go to a party and need to use the restroom. I have to design a hatch door. Yes. For the bottom. Can I make a suggestion? Yes, please. Because I'm taking credit for part of this. Of course. You know, I think you should put my name somehow in the license plate. Anyway, we can talk about that later. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. Yes. But what if...

You do it so that it's like the gas tank. And do we know, they don't take gas. Right. But the charging port or whatever. The flux capacitor. The flux capacitor where for you inside the box, you're just going to turn, right? And then you're right next to that door. But then to everybody else, it looks like you're way inside the car.

Oh. Maybe I should drop some plans. Yes, I'm going to need to see a sketch because I got a lot. And when I said, oh, that's an interesting way of looking at it. The kind that's so confusing I don't understand. That's a new angle. That's a great suggestion that I have no idea what you're talking about. I do too.

I guess I don't really know what I'm talking about either, but I love talking about ideas. It's my favorite. It's funny that you're excited about this because I, since we first started this podcast, I had dreams of us.

Going live and going on stage with a cardboard cutout of a car. But our little feet, like, pretending we're driving on stage. Yes. And I know now that neither of us really want to do that. Oh, I think we can. It's like my eighth grade performance of Little Old Lady from Pasadena. Yes, love that. Yeah. All I needed was a white wig and a cardboard cutout of a car. And...

It's little to no lip sync training. But I think that this car, the Cybertruck, is perfect to be made with cardboard because it's all angles and lines. Right. Also, you could do a much smaller, right? You could do like a tiny Cybertruck. That's funny.

Right. Like you could just make it reasonable size so that you don't get trapped. It's not another jail costume. Right. Like maybe it's just all sitting on my shoulders. I mean... I could make a little car...

So that you don't, you're not so in a refrigerator box like you were that year at Bridgetown. Yeah, yeah. I'm very excited. Yes. When you truly were trapped. Yes. And then when I got yelled at by hotel staff, I pretended it was something done to me when I consciously crawled into a box. Yeah. Yeah.

Whew. I drove us back through this intersection again. Yeah. This guy's going to try to swing out. Somehow less scary this time. Yeah, that coming this way is better. Yeah, it's the diagonal route that scares me the most. Yeah. I'm always... There's also one way you go, and you're kind of taking a very slight left every time I just bail and go straight. Well, we're okay now. Sorry, I just all of a sudden... There's moments, and it happened...

While I was on stage, I can't blame the altitude, although I was up pretty high. I just, because I opened for my pal Reggie in Bozeman. Nice. And there was a moment where I just drew a blank and then that thing where your brain is like, you know what? How about you let this stretch for a good 20 seconds? And I kind of just was a screensaver for a minute.

And did you... Was it like the laughter was dying down, or was it just quiet and you remained quiet? It was quiet, and I did it long enough to where they started laughing, because they're like, what's happening right now? And then I just...

went back into doing stand-up. Nice. I just pretended it didn't happen. But it did bother me when I laid down to sleep that night. Yeah. It really... And Rich Hall was there. That was... He lives in Livingston. Was he... Did you talk to him? A little bit, yeah. We were both just getting ready for our shows and, you know, I like to let people...

you know, be alone. You don't get up in their business? No, not before a show. You didn't say, please sign my Sniglet's book? No, I didn't. I said, please, will you do that Tom Cruise joke? Yeah, he was really cool, though. That's nice. And his wife was really sweet. And, yeah, all good times. But I did have that. I thought I had control over that, but I will... There's a voice in my head that occasionally...

Says I wonder what it would feel like to kind of screw up for a minute. Yeah, and then I do it to myself Yeah, like a weird self sabotage a moment. Well, but in stand-up That's the only way self sabotage is really the only way unless you're gonna blame things on the audience, but ultimately that's the that's the trick of

Who's really in charge here, you or your, or the thing in you that makes you make those decisions? Yeah. The answer is the thing. Yeah. Usually, usually I, I have control, but sometimes I still lose it. You know? How long had it been since you did a set?

You know, I took quite a while off and then out of nowhere, Flanagan gave me a night at Largo. And so I did like eight shows that week. This was a couple of weeks ago and figured out a lot of stuff in that time and also realized, oh, my God, this makes me happy. Yeah. Like if I do stand up several days in a row and then.

Lay down to sleep. I have zero regrets. I'm like, oh, that makes me happy. I forget all the time. Yeah. Because I, you know, get focused on... The negative. Yeah. Or just skateboarding or something, which makes me happy, but it does not make me go to bed thinking, I'm doing everything I should with this life. Yeah. But...

Yeah, to do a little bit of everything. I want to become really good at like, I'm going to do this and this and this tomorrow and know when to stop. And I've been painting again. I just want to have a nice balance, healthy balance of all the things I like. Yeah, good. Yeah. You should.

I think this has been a perfect episode. Yeah, it has. I mean, clearly we're running out of steam. I'm still amazed you got a steam-powered car. Look, it's funny. Elon said that I would like it. I said, buddy, please don't call me on this phone anymore. Right. Yeah. I just like how when we slow down, it goes choo-choo. Yeah. People like it. People around here like you. People like it. People like your coal-powered car.

Well, this is good ketchup. Yes. Let's eat all the rest of these donuts. Let's do it. Thank you for listening to us. Yes. Tell your friends. Yeah. Yeah. And rate and review and subscribe. That's always a good way to support the podcast you like. Rate, review, subscribe, and judge us. You've been listening to Do You Need a Ride? D-Y-N-A-R.

Thank you.

This has been an Exactly Right production. Our senior producer is Annalise Nelson. Mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner. Theme song by Karen Kilgariff. Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at Dynar Podcast. That's D-Y-N-A-R Podcast. For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia.com. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.