The Ultimate Guide to Having Better Sex
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So whether you're planning your sexy summer getaway or just want to level up your bedroom game, there's a magic wand to match your vibe. And hey, word on the street is something very exciting is dropping soon. So stay tuned to be the first to see what's making a splash this summer from Magic Wand. Want to meet your match? Head to sexwithemily.com slash magic wand and find your favorite. Maybe your spontaneous desire. I found that a lot of penis owners spontaneously get turned on. They see something, they get aroused, and it's visible. It's physical. They get an erection.

But with a lot of vulva owners, it's more responsive. We're responding to stimuli. We're responding to our partner's touch. We're responding to something nice they did for us around the house. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

On this episode, I'm tackling your top five sex questions. Because listen, chances are you've probably asked yourself one of these. And that means you're not alone. There are solutions to be had. First, how do I talk to my partner about sex or try something new? Well, I give you tips for normalizing sex talks and creating a culture of erotic communication.

Next, how can I get better at oral sex? Sometimes it's technique, like not using your teeth, but sometimes it's psychology, and I address both. Then, how can I spice up my sex life? I get this one all the time, and I have one word for you, novelty. Paired with an open and honest conversation, we can bring that arousal back.

Also, how can I increase my sex drive? We're removing the physical, emotional, and social blocks around your libido so that your desire can move more freely. Finally, how could I last longer during sex? Well, I've got tricks to help draw your pleasure, whether it's an orgasm delay technique or a product. Both fun and both totally within reach. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

How do I talk to my partner about sex or trying something new? All right. Well, communication is a lubrication. I've been saying that since the beginning. And the reason why is because the more we talk about sex, the better it's going to get. So talking to your partner enhances intimacy. You're going to get the variety that you need and you're going to have more satisfaction in the bedroom and more pleasure, which is what I'm all about here.

So how do you start? Well, what I found in a relationship, usually there's one person who's leading the charge, who's like, I know that our sex life isn't what it can be. And I got to get my partner on board. And I just want to say that if you're in a relationship, you are 50% of that relationship. And so there really shouldn't be just one of you leading the charge. But what I understand is that someone's got to start the conversation. I'm just going to start by reviewing

My top tip for having awkward conversations. The first, it's the three T's and that is timing, turf, and tone. Timing. You want to have this conversation when you are not halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You're chilling out. You're in a good space. You're feeling good. Hanging out with your partner. And the other thing is your tone. Your tone is light and curious and

and supportive and it's not defensive. It's not angry. And sometimes I want to say this, we all need a tone check. Sometimes we don't realize when we're nervous and we're doing something that our tone comes off as judgmental. It sounds like we're annoyed or defensive, but really we're not. So I recommend a few deep breaths before you have it and even say, I want to keep this really open and I want to be curious. And so if I ever come off right now, like I'm upset, please check me. So that's a great way to kind of make sure that you're staying

with the intention of the meeting, intention of the talk. And the last thing is turf. You want to have any of these conversations about sex outside the bedroom,

Great to do it when you are hanging out, maybe you're on a road trip, because then you don't have to be making that awkward eye contact, but you still can have a conversation in privacy or when you're walking the dog. So timing, turf, and tone, remember that. So contrary to what we were told growing up, did you have the talk yet? Did your parents have the talk with you? We somehow think that a sex talk is a one-time conversation, and that's not true, nor is it true in your relationship.

Think of the first sex talk with your partner to be one where you're laying the groundwork for future talks. You're not going to get it all out. If you've been with someone for a while, there's no such thing as one conversation covering everything. So some easy hacks to this conversation could just be, you know,

Asking what feels good. You know, I always say don't talk about sex in the bedroom, but it's totally okay to in the moment say to your partner, how does this feel? Is this something you, you know, you can tell me scale one to 10 to 10 if it's feeling great, one not so great. Do you want it lighter? Do you want it softer? Do you want it faster? Do you want it slower? All that's okay if it's very specific in the moment.

And then you're discovering together in the moment, because there are some things in the moment that are productive and efficient, really. Because this is the kind of thing where after, if you say, remember that move I was doing with my tongue? You know, did that feel good? And they'll be like, what move? So these are the things if you want to get really specific as you can do in the moment. You know, and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of verbal communication.

confirmation and just being more verbal in the bedroom, making sounds, making noises.

There's nothing like feeling like you're performing a killer oral act on a partner and they're just mute. They're quiet. You're like, does this feel good? Do they still have a pulse? So moaning and increasing your breath and maybe motioning your body, you know, moving your pelvis forward, you know, can show that you're really into it. Maybe you pull away a little bit, shows that maybe I want to try something new. So our body language says a lot in the moment as well.

So what if you bring up something to your partner and they say, I'm not interested in it or why are you talking about this? Because that's what we're going to get a lot. I want to prepare you that when you have this conversation, you might be greeted by a defensive partner who says, no, I'm never trying that. Or why are you bringing this up? I thought we had great sex or here you go again, always criticizing me. I want you to be armed for that because again, you're

It's not common that people bring this up. Typically, no one else has talked to us about it. So the second someone brings it up, our defenses go up. Maybe we have shame. We have insecurities. Maybe we think, oh God, I'm a terrible lover and I've been worried about this forever. So I'm going to shut down. I'm going to say no. And so this is where you have practiced your, oh, I hear what you're saying. It sounds like this is something that's really new to you. Or it sounds like I've said something that upset you or I hear what you're saying. And then here's a great tip.

Tell me more about that. They say, no, I'm just not doing it. Well, can you tell me more about your no? I'm just curious. Remember, this is the curiosity part. I'm just curious why this is, you know, what about this doesn't feel good to you? Because I'm really hoping we can just get to know each other. We can start to understand our beliefs around sex.

And just having that kind of conversation where they feel safe and they feel free to express their no. Now, many of us are people pleasers or the second someone says no, we're like, okay, I'm out. But remember, you can't afford to be out of the sex conversation. You can't afford to forego the sex conversation for the rest of your life. And I have to say that I hear from so many of you that I'm so worried that my partner is going to be upset or I'm afraid to talk to him about it because of their ego.

Well, how about you? Let's put you in the equation. How do you feel about not getting your needs met?

And you know that you're having this conversation to enhance the connection with your partner. So none of that is true. So you have to get to a page where you are able to say to them, I thought you might feel this way. And so I really want to reinforce, you can even say this is the beginning. I want to reinforce that this is not about anything you're doing wrong. I'm not upset with you. I just really want the opportunity to become each other's greatest lovers to each other. Are you down with that?

Okay, now I'm going to get into some emails that have to do with this very topic. This is from Leah 43 in Indianapolis, Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily, I just started dating a man my age who admitted to being very sexually inexperienced. I consider myself at least moderately experienced. He seems very open to learning and communicating about sex, but what's the best way to teach him actual techniques?

It's not easy to verbalize or find the words to describe how to kiss better. Figure me that it so it feels good or give oral well enough that I can orgasm. Thanks very much. Oh, Leah, what a great question to kick off our topic here. OK, I get it. It is stressful to come up with the right words in the moment. So perhaps you can figure out what exactly is it that you want from him.

write it out, write it out and practice. This is an important conversation to have. This is something that you really want to be specific when we communicate to our partner, because then it'll be easier to figure out what you want in the moment. So in the moment, you'll be able to say, I want your finger to go this way. I want you to go slower with your tongue. Because if you don't know how to explain it, you know,

When you're thinking about this on your own and when you're writing out your answers, do you want more fingers? Do you want fewer fingers? Do you want them to go faster or slower? So get specific. You have more answers than you realize. But just avoid getting frustrated, avoid getting angry with them because, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither were great lovers, okay? So some of your options.

Non-verbal cues. I mentioned this earlier, but moaning, writhing, heavy breathing. Now, this is less specific. You can move your hips towards your partner, away from your partner, squeeze their hand. Now, it might be harder for them to know in this moment what you want, but, you know, because the direct verbal communication is more clear and effective. But this is just sort of a sexy way to show your partner what direction they're going in.

Now you can also talk after. Let them know, you know, not in the bedroom, but let them know what worked, what didn't. I love that thing. You could say, I love that thing you're doing with your tongue. I love that make out sesh last night. And when you were softly kissing my lips, that felt great. And when your finger was inside me and you were also licking my clitoris, that was a really great move. So you can start with some of the things you like. Take note of it.

Think about that felt good and then think after how would I explain this? This is a practice to learning sometimes I'm not as specific with things and I really need to learn and sometimes write things down ahead of time so I can remember to Explain to people this is just something we need in business in the boardroom and in the bedroom only You know what has worked for you in the past, right? So if you're saying here that he's not a great lover to you Leah. He's less experienced and

Well, if you're the more experienced and what worked for you in the past, with all these great lovers you had in the past, what were they doing? Maybe you could spend some time, you know, a little bit masturbation session and think like, what did I like? Start to think about those past partners. You know, what is he doing wrong? And then maybe it'll help you fill in what he can do that's right.

So it is your responsibility to communicate it and knowing your body and exploring it on your own might help you, might help jog your memory and get more specific. So again, it helps when you're masturbating or just really thinking about it. Next time you have sex, kind of take some notes after. Just be like, let me write this down in the notes on my phone and then you'll remember. And so this will get a lot easier for you. Okay.

So I'm sure he's going to be open to it as well. I think once again, we get past these awkward talks, your partner is going to be grateful that you're having more pleasure. And then they'll find that they're more open now to ask for their needs to be met. So it's a win-win all around. This is from Brooke, 25 in Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love the show. I've been dealing with an issue for a while now. My husband always gets all the attention during sex or anything that has to do with sex, even oral.

I rarely get any and he hardly ever goes down on me. But when he does, it's 69. No matter how many times I speak up about it, it's always ignored. And he says he'll do better, but he never does. Most of the time, I'm afraid to say anything because I don't want to offend him. Even use the timing turf and tone still doesn't work. I just feel so ignored and unappreciated and undesirable. How can I approach this and let him know how I'm feeling? All right.

When timing, tone, and turf doesn't work, it sounds like active listening on his part, or maybe both your parts, might be the problem. So this is where I would say take a different approach. You've heard me say, I've even said it on this show, assume that your partner wants to be a great lover to you. So be honest, like give examples.

Something you do like would be something that you do like about your sex life. Maybe there's not much. Maybe you just say, hey, I really liked the way we were making out the other night. We were moving so slow through sex and then I felt like I could really get turned on. And then our sandwich part would be where you say, now I know that you really like 69 and I'd love to tell you about something that I really like. And then this is where you get specific. You say, I would really like slower sex.

I would really like more oral. And then you explain the why. Because I think that I'll be just as satisfied as you are during sex. It makes me feel more connected to you. And have him repeat it back to you. What did he hear you say? You know, maybe like, oh, I just heard you say you didn't like 69. I'm doing something else wrong.

You can say, yeah, I did say that 69 wasn't my favorite and I've told you it a few times, but I realized that maybe I need to get more specific. So here I'm trying to tell you that I want you to go slower and oral is really important to me. Listen, many of us have to hear something a few times. Have you ever improved any skill in your entire life or changed any behavioral pattern because someone told you something once? I can't think of any in my life.

I have to write things down. I have to practice. It takes time to improve skills. So I know you tried timing, turf and tone, but you might, you got to do it again. And you have to be, you know, again, you're going to do it again, but we're going to change it up a bit. Another thing I'm concerned about that I just have to mention here is that the fact that you said you're afraid because you don't want to offend him. Now, what about him offending you? Because I feel that he's offending you right now. I'm going to flip this on you.

Because essentially, if you don't say anything, you're co-signing on your partner doing what he wants, getting his needs met and not yours.

So I want to give you permission. I want to give everyone permission that it is okay to talk to your partner about sex and this whole worried about their precious egos and offending them. It's so deeply ingrained into our psyche because I hear that all the time. Well, I would bring it up, but I'm afraid. Or what about their fragile egos? But you know what? What about your sexual needs? And I think it's time we get over it. And the more we have these conversations, the

the more we will be able to normalize these conversations for the partner you're with now, if they're ever with anyone in the future. If it goes well for you, you start telling your friends about it. I want to make good sex talks normal. And this is how you start doing it. Think about your own needs. It's okay. It doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't make you

It doesn't make you a bad partner. It just makes you someone who cares about your own needs and is prioritizing your pleasure along with your partner's. Okay, let's get into the next question we get asked. Number two, how can I increase my sex drive? So this comes in the form of how could I increase my libido?

How can I increase my sex drive? They're pretty much the same thing. You know, it's the frequency to which you want to have sex and your body's in the mood for sex. And there's often physical, emotional, social blocks to our libido, to feeling turned on, to feeling in the mood.

But if we play detective, we can usually figure out what they are. So let's talk about removing those blocks so we can get our desire flowing again. You know, you're probably, and you ask this question because maybe you've experienced a change in your libido or your sex life or maybe your partner, but let's just talk about some things that are going to immediately get, are going to impact your ability to orgasm or desire, and that is medication.

So let's just rule out some common culprits. You have to know that birth control, antidepressants, blood pressure medication, mood disorder medications, all these things. If you're on a medication, it could be possible that that is what's causing it. Be sure to talk to your doctor. You know, your doctor doesn't want you to not be having sex either. Sometimes they just, you know, they don't know. They don't think to tell you the side effect. You don't remember hearing the side effect. So you can sometimes switch up medications. You can actually decrease your dose.

perhaps again under your doctor's supervision, but find other solutions or ways to work with it. You might also have an underlying medical condition, diabetes, high blood pressure, some cancers. There's things that could impact that. Hormonal changes, low testosterone in all genders. When we have a testosterone dip,

we're not going to feel desire as strongly. There's also, you know, hormones across the board. If you give birth, you're going through menopause, perimenopause. You know, when we have a loss of estrogen as vulva owners, we might have less desire and more pain during sex. So just make sure you get your hormones checked. It's really important.

Mental health too. We got to prioritize our mental health because it does impact every area of our life. Anxiety, depression, trauma, shame. We just might not be in the mood for sex, which means...

So we just might not be the moon for sex. If we're anxious or depressed, like sex is the last thing on our mind, but I want to remind you that you still can be intimate. You can still take time to kiss your partner, hold hands, give each other a massage, touching and cuddling and support from our partner is so important and crucial to our wellbeing. And if you've been listening, you know how I feel about therapy. I believe that therapy is going to happen, is going to help us in all areas of our life. So find a good counselor to talk to you about this stuff. Now,

Some other things are connections with your partner. Like let's say the trust has been broken in a relationship. Well, you know what's going to happen to your libido if you don't feel that you can trust your partner? Maybe there was a discrepancy around money or there was an affair just because it happened a while ago. If you haven't repaired it, you haven't gone to therapy to rebuild the trust, of course you don't want to have sex. Or maybe there's resentments.

You know, maybe you've resentments with your partner that you just feel you resent that they're away working so much. You resent that they're not doing things around the house. These resentments build up and build up and build up. And it can be really hard to feel turned on. And again, therapy is great for all of these. Listen, sometimes it's not, you know, so much that it's low libido. It just might be, oh no. Sometimes we don't know what turns us on. Like what's your sex script? What gets you in the mood for sex?

I always say, keep your pilot light lit. It is responsible for us to know, well, what's our turnout? When am I the most turned on? Well, it's not when the house is a mess and I haven't...

I haven't been able to unwind from the day or my partner just comes up and says, want to have sex? And you're like, that does not turn me on. So what is your sex script? What gets you in the mood? What turns you on? What is your sex script? What's your fantasies? Masturbation is really helpful with this. Ian Kerner wrote a great book. So tell me about the last time you had sex. And he talks all about the sex script. We also did a great podcast with him that I would check out.

So know about your arousal and your desire. Maybe your spontaneous desire. I found that a lot of penis owners spontaneously get turned on. They see something, they get aroused and it's visible. It's physical. They get an erection. But with a lot of vulva owners, it's more responsive. We're responding to stimuli. We're responding to our partner's touch. We're responding to something nice they did for us around the house. So it's really just understanding that about ourselves and then massage you guys. Sometimes if I'm not in the mood for sex, my partner's like, let me just massage your shoulders for a few minutes.

And it's, you know, it could just be like a non, you know, that to me, that could be a great turn on or maybe even just be getting a massage somewhere else.

Just a regular massage, but that gets my juices, that gets my blood flowing again and just gets me more embodied, which is what we're talking about. Because when we're stressed all the time, it's really hard to be in our bodies and in mood for sex. Our nutrition plays a big factor, our exercise, how healthy you are. Again, it's about we are what we eat and getting blood flowing. And I don't want you to forget that stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive. So if you're under a lot of stress, anxiety, worry, worried about money, the kids, I'm

all the things it's sex just might be way there on the back burner. So, um, let me get into the questions, right? I hope that's comprehensive there. I mean, I think it's comprehensive, but let's just see how this goes. Okay. Hey, Dr. Emily, uh,

Okay. But then the low libido, high boredom part. And can you give us a transition into the questions too? Yeah. But I also want to mention one more thing that sometimes it is low. Sometimes we think we have a low libido. Sometimes we think it's a low libido, but we really have high boredom. So there's a reason why you often ask, how do I spice up my sex life and keep it interesting? So trying something new, you know,

changing up locations, trying a lube, trying a toy, having a conversation with your partner might be just the thing to get you out of the boredom and into the excitement again. All right, I'm going to get into your email questions about your libido. This is from Brittany 25 in Michigan.

Hey, Dr. Emily, my partner and I have been together for almost five years. He's a very sexual creature. However, I struggle so much with myself that it's sometimes hard for me to get in the mood. I just don't know what to do. We went from having sex almost every day for two years straight to suddenly I have a problem with my libido. I feel like I'm 25 and someone at my age shouldn't have this problem. Any suggestions? Thank you. It happens at all ages. I hear this from all ages, all genders, that problem.

Sometimes we're so surprised that why aren't I in the mood? I still love my partner. So first, like I said, so first let's rule out medications. If you're on the birth control pill or antidepressants, that might have an impact. You got together at a very young age. So I'm wondering, do you even know what you like yet? You might not. If most of your sexual experiences have been with one person and you haven't spent a lot of time alone, masturbating, fantasizing and feeling what turns you on,

How would you know what you like? And why this is important to know what you like is because when you know that, then you can explain to your partner, here's something I want to try. And your libido might just come back because it's a new shared experience. You're trying something new. You're trying, your brain is going, oh God, here we go with the same moves again. You're actually engaged because you're learning something new together. You get that adrenaline flowing. You get the feel good hormones. So, you know, you might need more variety. You might need slower sex. You might want more foreplay.

So, you know, you could also say, I want you to try out different moves. Let's try these different positions together. You know, a lot of couples listen to this show together and they have found it to be incredibly helpful or they read the articles on my site and send it to each other. They look at our Instagram and they say, oh, this check out this today. It could just be that Emily said this. Let's discuss at dinner.

So it sounds like you might need a little bit of that, Brittany, with your partner. Time to get your needs met five years in. All right. Just I want you to understand, Brittany, that five years together, since you were 20, it's not always going to be the same as it was in two years. In fact, you're right on time. It's about six months to two years when partners, you know, sex feels really great and satisfying and they don't have any problems with the sex life because they're still riding all those feel good hormones. But usually at the two year mark is when they start to go, hmm.

This isn't that interesting anymore. I'm not as interested in my partner. So that's why I said, rule out medications and let's start looking at you, what actually turns you on so you can work with your partner to create a whole new sexual roadmap.

Okay, another email from Melissa, 22 in Illinois. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend I've been dating for was two years and we just moved in together. When we first started dating, we were like rabbits, couldn't get enough of each other. We only saw each other on weekends due to long distance and we would still have multiple sex times. We would still have sex multiple times a day.

Things were like this for about a year and then we slowed things down and now we live together and he wants to have sex all the time and I don't. He'll try to initiate sex and when I let him know I'm not feeling it, he throws a fit, sighs, rolls over and goes to bed instead of cuddling, enjoying time together like I want. I've tried talking to him about it, but he gets upset and he thinks I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, which is not the case.

I mean, I'm happy having sex once, twice a week. And that's the big turnoff for me. Like, don't ask me at 530 while we're sitting at the dinner table. I'm not sure how to get in his head. I'm still extremely attracted to him, but I just don't want to have sex like that all the time. Any advice? Is this the it's one of the only things we argue about? OK, so this goes back to, hey, babe, let's do it. Let's have sex right now.

Like I'm telling you that just saying like, let's do it now is not going to do that for your partner. For most, the majority of people, the partner in the moment, if you're beyond the two year mark of the relationship, you're

This is where, again, we have to understand when are you in the mood, Alyssa? It sounds like he hasn't really given you time to figure that out because he wants it every day. So there also has to be some educating. You're 22 years old. Both of you probably don't have a ton of experience in other relationships, especially around this stuff. So I would have him listen to this together. Give him some articles to read. A lot of it is they just don't understand. And of course, sexuality is tied into his ego. He feels rejected by you.

She's saying no. And he's thinking you're not attracted to me, which makes sense because you always have been for two years. You see what I'm saying? But for him to understand, no. Oh, I see. We need different things to get into the mood for sex. Right. We need we have different ways of of operating. I mean, think about it like.

A lot of us need different things for a work environment, right? We need to be our most focused. Like some people like listen to music at work. They want a lot of people around. They want to have a bunch of computers. You know, they want to have like a few desktop and a laptop and all their materials out. And some people are like, I need complete silence. That's me. Complete silence. I don't want anyone around. And that's how I get my best like writing done, for example. But everyone has their own process and we honor that. But

But with sex, since we don't understand this concept of us all having our own ways of being sexual and being turned on, it's going to come across as you're not into me. You don't like my penis, you know? So first I think we have to do a little bit of educating, right?

And saying, listen, I've learned a lot lately because I was feeling bad because you think I'm not sexually attracted to you, babe. And that's not true at all. But here's what is true. What is true is that I'm going to work on figuring out when I am most in the mood. What does turn me on? Finding which days of the week works best for me.

You know, there's also been studies around different times of day that people want sex the most. And I think they were saying that vulva owners wanted sex more mid-afternoon is when we're all turned on. Don't feel bad if that's not you. But what I'm saying is, you know, just because he wants it at night and you want to cuddle, you should still get your cuddles. And maybe he gets his sex another day or in the morning or on the weekends when you have more time together. Starting sex with Emily was one of the most empowering things I've ever done.

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I don't like that he, you know, so what I'm saying is I understand that he's getting upset. And, but again, you got to give him the facts here. You got to say, this is what's actually true for me. I would also recommend Ian Kerner's book or just listen to the podcast we did with him about your sex script, because it really breaks down. We all have a sex script.

This is when I'm most in the mood. This is what has to be in the mood. This is what has to be happening in the environment for me to turn on. Here's what happens to us every time when we do have sex. And then you kind of break that down into what part of it works, what doesn't. And then you try new things.

Maybe you need a different room. Maybe you want to have dinner first. Maybe it's on the weekends after you work out, you're the most turned on. So become a detective here, start to figure it out and invite him along for the ride. You don't need to take a few months off and go figure it out yourself. But if you bring him into your journey of trying to figure it out, well, then he's allowed to figure out himself too, what he wants and what works for him.

You know, he's thinking it's right now when you get into bed with your naked body. But, you know, that's not always going to be the case. So how are you guys going to work together to make sure that you're all satisfied, to make sure that you're having sex on every day?

everyone's terms. And let me also say this about the way he's handling your rejection or he feels rejected is that he's rolling over and he's getting angry and he's not using his words. And honestly, that is a point for concern. I'm wondering if there's other areas in your relationship where he just shuts off and gets angry because as the Gottmans would say, we did a great show with, that it is a great indicator of the health of a relationship. The other thing is being really clear. When you say no to your partner and you say,

not now, you could say, you know what? I'm not feeling it right now. I'd love to cuddle, but maybe Friday night we could have a fun, sexy date night. So you're not just saying no, you're giving an alternate solution and you're asking for what you want. So I would practice with that as well. All right. Next question, number three, how do I get better at oral sex?

I love this one because sometimes, yeah, it comes down to technique, how to apply pressure, how to avoid teeth, you know, stuff like that.

But sometimes oral is a bit of a head game. There's some psychology that we have to work through. So like, if you just ask me off the top of my head, what are my top tips? I would definitely say, pay attention. Every time you're with a new penis or a new vulva, there's a whole new host of information in front of you. What does this person like? What don't they like? You know, do they, you know, need more pressure? When do they start to moan? When do they move towards you? When do they move away from you? And I would also say you want to be enthusiastic and you want to be into it.

You don't want to be doing oral as like a, as a charity move or a pity party. You know, you want to be into it, enthusiastic and make some noise. Noise is sexy, shows your partners into it. And I think that's really important. Now know that an oral sex is a super intimate act that you share with your partner and probably one of the most pleasurable, which is why it's such a big question. Here's the thing about oral sex. As you know, just to review it, using your mouth to stimulate the genitals, right? And that includes the penis, the vulva, the anus.

And with most sexual play, we want to start slowly. We want to build the anticipation. Take your time to like kiss around your partner's bodies. You could start from their face and go all the way down, tease their inner thighs, move towards their genitals. Definitely just because it's called oral sex doesn't mean that you can't play with your hands and some toys and some lube, I think, orally.

oral sex and lube, especially flavored lube, is delicious. I just want you to say to your partner, I want you to lay back, enjoy. I want to be here and I'm not going anywhere. Do you know what relief that gives us to know that a partner is into it and they're not going to walk away? They're not going to,

abandon us. They really want to be there. We all want to know that people want to be doing it. And I can tell you from my perspective, I've been with partners where I'm like, oh, this is taking too long. And I'm staring at the clock thinking they're going to want to leave in a minute. And also adding into there, if you are the one performing, how to let your partner know how great they look, how they're

You love the way they taste. You love the way they smell. And these are all the things that can go through our head. So how good they feel. So using those words, using your voice, using your hands, enthusiasm. Those are some of my top tips there. But let's get into emails on the subject. This is from Josie 32 in the United States. Hey, Dr. Emily, it's hard to admit, but I'm a 32 year old woman who has had one sexual partner who I lost my virginity to at age 26.

Never touched a penis until we started dating. Never put a penis in my mouth till we started dating. He never pressured me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with. And now that we've been together six years, I've never really given a blowjob. I don't like the idea of putting a dirty penis in my mouth. And it makes me so uncomfortable to even look at my partner when I've tried to go down there. I need help overcoming my fear of penis because now we're in a long dry spell and I'm not sure what to do. All right. I understand why this is hard to admit, but listen, people have sex

People become intimate at all ages. So you're 32 and you don't have a lot of experience with penises. First, let's look at why. Did something happen to you with a penis? Were you told something about a penis that if you go down on one, that it is dirty? Did you ever hear a story that kind of freaked you out about a penis? So it's important to look at the origin story around the penis. What is it that about it that is kind of making you feel that it's a no-go zone? And some mindset changes here.

Think about this penis as an extension of somebody that you love, that you care about. And I'm sure you want to love up on all parts of their bodies. But if you could look at this way as just, I'm going to please this person. It's almost like that worship his penis. Like this is someone that I want to do something here that's going to make him feel good. But let's just back up for a minute. If you do feel like it's a dirty penis and all that, take a shower together.

I mean, listen, that kind of helped a lot. I mean, and I love showing for sex anyway. We have the days, you know, grime on us, stress, just wash it all off and take a shower because then, you know, this is not a dirty penis. I would always,

would also let him know, again, that you've had this fear, but you'd really like to overcome it and you hope that he's cool with your plan. And then I would say you don't have to go from zero to penis deep to deep throat. You could say, I'm just going to look at your penis and I'm just going to go closer to it. Maybe I'm going to lick around the tip. I'm going to lick the shaft. I'm going to put my hand around the base of it because remember, our hands are great friends when it comes to oral. And just like one lick at a time.

And then see what happens. You can pull back, start to get familiar and comfortable with his penis. I mean, step-by-step, you'll start to get more comfortable if it's something that you really want to do.

And especially if you bring him on board with your plan, because if you're like, you know, oh, he doesn't know. Now I'm going to try it. I didn't do it. But if you can say, babe, I'm trying to overcome this. I don't know where it comes from, but I really want to figure this out with you. And he'll be thrilled that you even are trying. I would be thrilled if my partner is like, I'm going to overcome something. And here's my plan. Like, bring him into it.

Our partners, I believe that are the best partners want to be part of this sexual journey. Why should you be doing it all on your own? Okay. Oh, and flavored lube. Once again, tastes delicious. There's a reason why flavored lube is excellent for oral because if it tastes like creme brulee, this might make it a little bit easier.

All right, we have Will in 23 in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I really enjoy seeing my partner orgasm, but for her, it takes a long time to completion. I haven't been able to make her orgasm with oral or even when we just focus on her for the whole session. She's used to WeVibe and is able to come from that, but this also takes a long time and I'm not much help. I was wondering what we can do to help her orgasm more frequently and what I can do to help her in all areas to make it easier.

So first, this is the truth. It's really important that she figures out on her own how to orgasm. Has she ever masturbated? Has she ever spent time figuring out her own body?

And I tell you guys this all the time, but I had been with partners and never orgasm until I said, all right, I'm taking matters into my own hands, literally. And I'm going to figure out what feels good to me with toys, with my fingers. So then I know that I can do it. But sometimes there's a lot of pressure. I love that I had a willing partner who wanted to help me, but I just was like,

Oh, there's pressure still. So I took it and I, so I took this project, this Emily orgasm product project, and I figured out on my own. Now, if she's not comfortable masturbating or she hasn't masturbated, which might be the case, you could try a mutual masturbation session, or you could say to her, you could try a mutual masturbation session, um,

Or you could also say to her, I want to figure this out with you. So let's make it, you know, let's have you touch yourself and I'm touching myself and we can kind of look at each other. Or you could just have it be about her pleasure where she's touching herself and you're paying attention and, you know, moving her and helping her sort all of this out. And also when you say more frequently, I want to check this. Do you mean during penetration or during oral sex? Yes.

Because the majority of women are not going to orgasm during penetration. Only 20% of women will orgasm with your penis during penetration. So if you're saying more frequently, do you really mean how do I get an orgasm differently? Like with your mouth or with your fingers?

Or more frequently it could be, she shows you what it looks like when she uses her toy. So I would love to kind of get more specific on that, what you really need here. But my answer still stands that let her figure out what feels good, either do it together or she does it alone. And then you'll have way more information needed to become an even more fantastic lover. And there's one thing I want to talk about, and that is the Kiven Method. The Kiven Method, we have a great blog on our site,

It's called the Kiven Method. Now, this method is something that has

had wild success for the Sex with Emily listeners over the years. And essentially it means that when you're giving oral, a lot of times we go between our partner's legs, but this is, and this is particularly for vulvas. We go between their legs, but when you actually are lying perpendicular, so you think like your, your face is like thigh, she's still on her back, but you're going thigh to thigh instead of head to toes. So you're, you're lying perpendicular. And then your tongue goes like thigh to thigh. And so you're covering more surface area.

area. Get it? So you're recovering more surface area. You're hitting the labia, the labia minora. You're hitting the clitoris. You're hitting all those nerve endings. And since that's where it's all packed in, it's not just about the clitoris. So it's more of a back and forth and up and down

This has been wildly successful. Check out the blog on our site. The Kevin Method will also put it in the show notes. Okay, number four on your top five sex questions. How do I spice up my sex life? This is probably the most common question I get asked.

Because sometimes low libido equals high boredom. That is true. And we just need to spice it up. And sometimes we still want to have sex with our partners. We don't even have a low libido. We have a great libido, but we're just like, I'm bored this again.

So what's the cure? If we do anything the same over, you have the same breakfast every day. You have chicken every single night for dinner. Well, sometimes you're going to want pizza. Like I just am craving pizza. You're giving me a lot of chicken. You've been having chicken sex and now you need some pizza sex. So that's okay. If we're over familiar with a partner, we need to make, we need to defamiliarize the circumstances. So how do we do this? How do we do it?

So just first, I want to normalize that passion fades. Passion is going to fade. It happens in all relationships. Just expect it. Just expect that it's coming. The fade is going to come. And if you can get ahead of it, even better. If you could say, I know we're in the honeymoon phase at six months in or a year in, but let's start talking about what feels good to us. Download our Yes, No, Maybe list on our site. It is a free guide. You guys are loving that. Figure out what else can we do to keep it interesting. You know,

uh learn to prioritize your pleasure learn to think about you know stimulating your brain our brain is the largest sex organ our brain is the largest sex organ what do i mean by that you need more novelty you need more stimulation to keep it really interesting and hot with a partner you just do it's not because you're doing anything wrong it's not because you're a bad lover or a bad partner it's the way our brains work like everything is great at the beginning you know you you

And then things just become rote. You don't even see them anymore. You don't notice them. And so that's why mixing it up, novelty could mean getting a hotel room for a night. It could be having these awkward sex conversations that we're going to normalize. It could be trying a new toy. It could be lube. It could be a different position. So figure out what those things are. Talk about your sex life. Expand your sexual menu. What do you want to try? What is it?

You could just talk about the last three times you had sex or you could even exchange a list and say, let's write down the most three memorable times we had sex and let's swap those lists. Do you know how much information you can find out just from that list alone? I had no idea that was a great night for you. And then you can unpack it and be like, oh, that's because we had a babysitter or because my roommate almost walked in and that was really like nerve wracking. But we were like in this adrenaline filled situation together that made it really hot.

Role playing. Love a good role play. I was thinking about this woman who called into the show and said she really wanted to try role play and she didn't know what to do. And then she was saying to me, you know, I said, well, let's figure it out. What's your partner into? What do you do? She's like, we love the Cubs. And I was like, wait, is it? But I've said this wrong. Is it the Cubs or was it the Bulls? Who has cheerleaders? Cubs or Bulls? Bulls. She loved the Chicago Bulls. Thank you. She loved the Chicago Bulls.

And so did he. And they were in a long distance relationship and he was coming to meet her in Chicago. And she decided, she thought, well, yeah, you know, I really like dressing up. So she went, she got a bull's,

cheerleader outfit. She put her hair back. She practiced some moves. Like she got the whole room with like decorated with like bulls paraphernalia. And he came in and she was feeling all sexy in her cheerleading outfit. And he was like, couldn't believe that it was something new because they had been together for a while. And it was a really fun night. It was a new shared experience. It was something different. Maybe she even had a wig on, you know,

Having a wig. I had a woman tell me once, like a woman who was in her 80s and pulled me aside and said, do you want to know the best sex tip I've ever heard? I was like, what? She's like, wear a wig. And think about it. If you're always the blonde lover of your partner, and one time you show up and you've got like short, dark hair or blonde, spiky wig, just something you're different. You feel different too. So that's important to think about novelty, variety, spontaneity.

Another thing is to have a night that's all about you and then another night that's all about your partner. How great is that to know that tonight I'm just giving and then the next night I get to receive? And your partner, they choose what you do. They decide. They direct the show. They encourage it. They're like, I got an idea. I'm going to plan your sex night. Maybe they give you a massage or they play your favorite music or they feed you a favorite meal and then you have all the pressure off.

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Right?

So also trying out toys and products, I could all be part of it. But I promise you just getting on this sex journey together and saying, okay, we acknowledge, we recognize things are getting stale or things are going to get stale. Let's put some things in place here. So we know that we are working towards that.

keeping this really hot and fresh. Because once it just gets stale and then you put it on the back burner for a while, it's a lot harder to get it sparked again. So keep the pilot light lit. I promise that will make a huge difference for all of you. Okay, so we'll get into your emails. This is from Micah, 22 in Reno, Nevada.

Hey, Dr. Emily. So I've been in a very serious relationship for four years. I've always had kinks and interest to try new things. My girlfriend was super into trying new things at the beginning, like we talked about a threesome and her friend was interested, but it never happened. And then anal's never been a big interest for her. It's accidentally gone in and that was bad and painful, but I really want to try. I also want to try some other things.

other kinks like using her toys while I watch, but she isn't into toys. She's on birth control and tells me they're causing her not to be adventurous. Is that normal? How else can I bring it up to her to try anal? All right. Well, first, let me say this. I only recommend threesomes to couples who are in solid ground. Their sex life's amazing, and they both have decided, well, let's kind of go explore this together. So I don't think you guys sound like you are couples that are ready to step into a threesomes.

Like she might not be into toys and things because she just hasn't had a place to explore them and to try out and see what she likes. So I feel like a masturbation practice would be wonderful here for her to really feel safe and encouraged to start to understand her own sexuality and what really turns her on. So if you're invested in her sexual pleasure, you're going to be able to do it.

You got to get curious and help her on this journey rather than focus more on your needs not getting met. Let's look at what she needs to get met. Let's look at the needs that she needs filled because once we can fill those, I promise it's going to come right back to you. That's how it works. This is from Kiara26 in Boston.

Hey, Dr. Emily, I just discovered your podcast today and I'm obsessed. I've been binging your show all afternoon. My boyfriend and I have been together two and a half years. We're 26 and live at home, but we're neighbors, so it's convenient.

Anyway, when we do sex with my boyfriend, I believe he does have delayed ejaculation. It usually takes between 45 and 60 minutes. We typically do different things like oral and then regular sex. And last night we were having sex and it was really hot in the room, like temperature wise. About 40 minutes later, he said, it's not happening.

And he's like, why don't you have sex with me anymore like you're used to? He said that to me. And immediately I'm offended. But I decided to try to keep trying and began blowing him again. I decided to keep going down on him again. And then I decided to go down on him again until he comes. Afterwards, we had a long discussion about his comment because it hurt my feelings. He apologized and genuinely felt bad about saying what he did and did not mean it. But the overthinker I am can't stop thinking about it.

Like, is our sex life dying? Basically goes like this. Foreplay, missionary, me on top, reverse car girl. And then my legs are so tired, I usually just give him a blowjob and then he finishes on top of me again. We love each other. I don't want this to be our downfall. Give me some tips. All right. Well, first, oh, there's a lot in here, Chiara. First, I think that

It doesn't sound like you're getting any of your needs met here. And to be going at it for 60 minutes every time you're having sex is a lot. And so what I heard from this, what I read from this is that he might be frustrated because he's not able to ejaculate and he's taking that out on you.

his response, like, why don't you do it like you used to? I mean, does that even make sense? Was he coming a lot quicker than I believe that he's probably a delayed ejaculator and was just using it to hurt you. Now he wasn't doing it on purpose because it, you know, it sounds like he backed up and felt like it was a defensive, you know, some of us say things, that's why we always have to pause, but it sounds like he was just saying it in a moment on the defensive, feeling frustrated and

that he couldn't ejaculate and just said it. And sometimes we do. Sometimes we say things, we do not mean it. And so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here too and say, he probably didn't mean it. I feel like a lot of this has been about his needs and what he needs to get off. And I want to know about what you need to get off and what turns you on. You know, there's a lot of focus on his penis and I just want that equal amount of focus on your pleasure, your erogenous zones.

I mean, with all that 45 minutes having sex with him and going down on him, where are you getting? Now, it can be pleasurable to do that, but are you getting pleasure? Are you having orgasms? Does he know how to go down on you and please you? That's what I want to hear more about, okay? I want to know that you're getting your needs met as well as his needs, okay? So let me know about that. And also, so let's address the anal part. You want to bring it up to her to try anal. Well,

I want to remind everybody that anal play is a great way to think about anal. It doesn't just have to be anal sex, penis or dildo or butt plug goes into your butt. It's more about

play. So you could say to her, Hey, would you ever be curious with some anal play? Like, I think it would be hot to explore, maybe put a finger inside of you and to see if you liked it, to see if that's something that you're into. And then she'd be, you know, again, she might say, no way I had a bad experience. I've heard it hurts. Is that true? And then you just got to listen to our sex with Emily episode with Alicia Sinclair. We've done so many conversations on anal sex, or you could just give her some articles on the site because it's

Anal gets a very bad rap. Anal had really bad PR for good reason, because a lot of people don't do it right. They don't use loop. They don't go slow. They don't communicate with a partner. They just try to stick it in. So there's a lot of reasons why anal has been painful. People think it's horrible and it doesn't feel great.

But if they understand that by slowing down and breathing and consenting to it and being with a partner who truly wants us to have pleasure and wants to explore, starting with a finger and then maybe another finger, maybe a butt plug, and maybe, hell yeah, maybe she's been waiting for you to try anal all along. You know, that's how you bring it up to her and say, I've heard all these great things a lot. You know, I've heard some, that a lot of women can have a lot of pleasure through anal. And would you be willing to explore with me slowly? See what she says.

How could I last longer during sex? All right, this is a very common question and sometimes it's technique, sometimes it's something that you can buy over the counter, but let's talk about, first I wanna know, why do you wanna last longer during sex? Are you finishing before you're ready? Is your partner asking you to last longer so they could have more pleasure?

If you, is it because you think you should last longer, but maybe your partner's fine? I've heard all the things. So I just want you to check with yourself, why is it? Now, maybe you're experiencing PE or premature ejaculation where you're just ending too quickly. There are some things you could do that allows you to strengthen your ejaculatory control. Now, I recommend experimenting with Kegel exercises, with Kegel exercises. They're not just for vulvas. Yes, if you have a penis, you can do those as well.

that helps you strengthen your pelvic floor and define the ejaculatory muscles that become stronger. I used to have an iPhone app called Kegel camp, and I have a friend who did it every day. And he said, after he'd done it for like a few weeks, he said he was shooting across the room. Like he was a teenager. His ejaculations were a lot stronger. So these muscles are important and it's not going to help the whole thing, but think about it. Um,

your kegels. Also, another thing is just try masturbating a few hours before you have sex. In some cases, your penis is just happy, you know, to be having sex if you haven't had sex in a while and it just wants to release ASAP. So sometimes if we've already, you know,

pre-gamed or whatever, pre-gamed, gotten it out, you know, ejaculated earlier in the day, you might find that you last a little bit longer. We also have an edging guide on our site. Edging is a great way to learn to last longer. Edging can do this for vulvas and penises, and it's simply the practice of delaying orgasm to experience more pleasure.

And you can download our free guide how to do it. We got a lot of questions about it. So we decided to put together a guide so you can learn the process of edging that can help you train yourself, train your body so you can last longer and have more intense orgasms. All right, let's get into your questions. This is from RJ42.

Hey, Dr. Emily, what can I do as someone who ejaculates prematurely? It's embarrassing. I get so turned on and I can't help it. It's literally within 30 seconds. I know communication is the key. And also, I love being the giver and giving oral. Is this something I should tell someone up front? Well, you know, I have found that sometimes when we take our attention off of ourselves during sex and we just start giving to a partner, we're

We are not thinking about our penis. We're not thinking about our vulvas. We're not thinking how we look in bed. We're just really into pleasing our partners. And then that takes the pressure out of our head. Maybe we start feeling less anxious and less worried because sometimes we, you know, we come too quickly because especially if you have a penis, it's because it's an anxiety response because you're so afraid it's going to happen and then it happens again. So I think it's always great to let your partner know. Now you're saying, is this something I should tell someone up front?

Why not? I mean, if you're with someone, you could say, I really love performing oral sex. I hope you're into it. Yeah, of course you can let them know. So I would say,

then give your partner pleasure. Then there's less pressure on your penis. And I would also recommend that you, you're 42 years old. So I'm not sure if this has been happening for your, if your whole life you've experienced premature ejaculation, or it's just something that you've been experienced lately, but everything still stands. Strengthening your kegel muscles and doing your, strengthening your kegel muscles, edging and breathing, going slow, taking the pressure off yourself.

All right. This is from Christina. Hey, Dr. Emily, I desperately need your help. I've been married to my husband for two years and recently I told him about my desire to have sex with another man. And he went crazy, of course. We've had struggled for a while with our sex life, starting with the major fact that he won't last longer than two to three minutes, in which, of course, I never orgasm and he does.

Before I married him, my sex life was amazing. I'm very much sex positive and love everything about sex. On the other hand, he comes from a very conservative family. I think the fact that we got married too soon has a lot to do with things, but that's a longer story. I love him and find him extremely attractive, but I don't really enjoy sex with him. It's just not good. We've tried toys, foreplay, and a few other things. Nothing seems to spark that excitement in my body anymore."

It makes me sad because he was hurt by my comment, but I don't know what else to do. My first question for you is, has he always lasted two to three minutes? Did you know this before you married him? I don't know how old you are here, but I'm assuming, you know, has this always been his pattern? And if it has, that's okay. But again, it takes, you got to work on it.

And he came from a conservative family, but also now he's creating a new family with you. And you can let him know how important having a growth mindset around sex is. That's an important part of connection and longevity in marriage. It absolutely is. And so there's a few steps in this process. The first step is getting him to realize like,

that he has married somebody who doesn't share the same views with him about sex. He's married somebody who wants to work on the sex life, who wants to talk about it, who wants pleasure, wants her partner to last longer in bed. And now you're feeling like you're not excited anymore. And you actually, I'm going to be honest, you led with, I've told him that I want to have sex with another man.

So now he's feeling even more shame about his penis and the fact that he can't last longer. And that's going to be something that you're going to have to undo here. So I would say it's really important for you both to go see a therapist. I think it would be really helpful here. I can give you my basic advice. I can give you some advice here. But saying that to him is hurtful.

I don't know what kind of conversations you had before that. I don't know if he was expecting you to say that, but I think if my partner came out and said that to me at a time of frustration, I would never forget that either. And the truth is you're really not satisfied. So this sounds like a 911 situation to me and that you're going to need some help here in the spirit of once a week counseling to learn how to communicate with each other about what's really going on

And so that's important. The other thing I haven't mentioned yet is that Promescent is a quickly absorbing delay spray.

that penis owners can put on about 10 to 15 minutes before sex. And studies have shown that men last up to 64% longer using permescent. I've been a fan of the company for a long time. I know the owners, when they came out with it like nine years ago, it was like, whoa, we need this so badly. And it's the only FDA approved treatment for premature ejaculation. So-

It's safe to use. It doesn't transfer to your partner if you wait, you know, the recommended time. And I'm just a fan. You know, it's also important though to do the underlying things, the edging, the understanding your body, understanding if it's coming from anxiety. I also love using toys. You know, penis rings were originally invented when they didn't have vibrations and all the fun things as like steel rings that men would put around that penises that you'd put around a penis to help restrict blood flow.

meaning that it would help restrict blood flow so it would last longer and stay harder. And so I love the Jeju makes one called the Mio. It's a penis ring, but it also vibrates. So that can feel incredible on your vulva when you're having sex, intercourse, he can wear it while you're having sex. You could ride him on top of him and move around. And so that's the magic of this, of the Mio and of penis rings. So yeah,

I recommend some of that for you. I also recommend some other great books here. She Comes First, another book by Ian Kerner. You know, I think it's an important notion that for people, especially for if you're in a heterosexual relationship and you have a penis and you're really worried about your performance, either you last too long or not long enough or you stay hard and you don't stay as hard as you want as long as you want to.

She comes first, focusing on your partner's pleasure first, and then coming back to your own sometimes really helps change, reframe the whole sexual situation.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily. If you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave it a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or partner. It just might spark something. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, and X. It's all at sexwithemily.com.

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