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cover of episode Why You’ve Lost Desire in Your Relationship (And How to Get It Back) l ft. Esther Perel

Why You’ve Lost Desire in Your Relationship (And How to Get It Back) l ft. Esther Perel

2025/6/26
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Emily Morse: 我一直认为，我们对伴侣期望过高，期望他们满足我们的一切需求，这导致了欲望的减退。我们期望伴侣成为我们的挚友、共同抚养人、经济伙伴、情感支持系统和充满激情的爱人。我们期望伴侣能够提供过去整个村庄才能提供的支持。现代人对爱情和欲望的期望是不切实际的，这才是问题的根源。我们应该调整自己的期望，而不是改变自己的期望。我们需要认识到，一个人无法成为一个完整的社区。 Esther Perel: 过去，性在婚姻中的主要目的是生育，是女性的义务。现在，性行为已经从生育模式转变为娱乐模式，从义务转变为欲望。现代人拥有了重新定义的性行为，但他们并不总是能在家庭中感受到这种变化，也不知道为什么。“我们能否想要我们已经拥有的？”是欲望的根本问题。欲望不仅仅是关于性行为，而是关于探索性对个人的意义，以及在性中表达的自我。我们没有将欲望视为需要培养的东西，而是认为它会永远存在。我们需要通过身体体验来重新训练大脑，使其理解性快感是与生俱来的权利。人们可以通过练习专注于感官体验来重新训练大脑，使其理解性快感是与生俱来的权利。

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This chapter explores the reasons behind waning desire in long-term relationships, highlighting unrealistic expectations placed on partners and the shift from duty-based to desire-based sexuality. It introduces Esther Perel's perspective on love and desire as distinct but reconcilable forces.
  • Unrealistic expectations of partners to fulfill all needs (best friend, co-parent, lover, etc.)
  • Shift from duty-based sex (procreation) to desire-based sex (pleasure, connection)
  • The question of 'Can we want what we already have?' as central to sustaining passion

Shownotes Transcript

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In this episode of Sex with Emily, world-renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel joins us for an intimate conversation about the complexities of modern love, desire, and relationships. From her groundbreaking work on infidelity to her insights on maintaining passion in long-term partnerships, Esther shares the wisdom that has helped millions navigate the tension between security and excitement in love.

We explore Esther's core philosophy that desire is not something you have—it's something you cultivate. She breaks down the fundamental paradox of modern relationships: love seeks closeness and security, while desire craves space, novelty, and mystery. We discuss how to integrate these opposing forces and why the question "Can you want what you already have?" is central to sustaining passion over time.

Esther reveals why eroticism is truly a state of mind, how pleasure connects directly to self-worth, and her revolutionary perspective on infidelity—that sometimes people don't go elsewhere to find another person, but to find another version of themselves. We also dive into her new card game "Where Should We Begin," designed to foster vulnerability and deep connection through storytelling.

This conversation addresses the unrealistic expectations we place on one partner to be our everything, practical tools for managing relationship anxiety, and why modern love requires us to calibrate rather than abandon our expectations. Whether you're single, coupled, or somewhere in between, Esther's insights offer a roadmap for creating more authentic, passionate connections.

Timestamps

0:00 - Introduction

2:45 - The evolution from duty to desire

8:02 - Can we experience desire and deep love simultaneously?

11:20 - "I turn myself off when..." vs "I turn myself on when..."

16:00 - Pleasure vs. performance

19:09 - The ice cream exercise

25:52 - One person can't be everything

31:14 - Understanding infidelity

35:10 - Playing the relationship game

44:00 - Dealing with anxiety in love