🎤 PODCAST • Disobedience ~ My young son doesn't do what any adults tell him to do.
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Francisco, welcome to the show. You're having problems with your five-year-old? Yes, how are you doing today? Oh, very good. Yes, I have a five-year-old kid and... A son, daughter?

A son. A son, okay. Okay, well, basically why I'm calling you is because I want some professional advice and I want to try to be a better parent for him. I want him to be a better kid than anybody. What was that last word? You want...

I want him to be a better kid around any other kids, around any other adults. What's going on here is he, I know you have only so much time, and he told me to hurry up and tell you exactly what's going on. Okay, I'll take him to the daycare, and he is not respecting adults at all.

Uh, he thinks it's funny, like, uh, no big deal. Like, uh, for example, um, a lady at the daycare, um, she told him to, um...

take up some papers. He said no. She said, I'm going to put you on timeout. And he said, he didn't say nothing. He just moved his head like, oh, well, you know what I mean? Okay, so he's becoming indifferent. Some kids are terrified of adults, like the example, I don't know if you just heard it, but, you know, okay, Dad, I'll do whatever you want, that type of a feel. And other kids just say, you know, you can yell at me as much as you want, but I'm just going to laugh at you. You don't bother me.

Kind of like that. He acts that way. If I tell him, okay, well, I'm not going to buy you a toilet. I'm not going to take you to the park or whatever. It's like a... And he's only five years old. I mean, that scares me a lot because imagine if he's 10, 13 years old, he'll walk away from me. So you're worried that you're losing your son, which is very sad. You're worried that what? What's your worst fear? Not really about losing him.

Basically, it's that he don't listen to what I told him to do.

Yeah. Can you give me a quick example of something, not that the woman, not that the daycare lady told him to do, but something in your home, maybe today or yesterday, that you told him to do and he defied you? Okay, for example, right now I'm just telling him, okay, well, I'm going to pander you. You're going to pick up this mess in this table. They have a table where they can only do homework or...

pictures or whatever. Okay, how many kids do you have? I only have two. Two, and how old is the other one? My other one is 10 years old. The other one is the opposite. She's completely different the way he is. So she's the golden girl and he's the problem kid. Yeah, but I think I treat them both the same. Okay, you would be surprised.

Parents feel that they treat all their kids the same, and kids get very different feelings from parents. In fact, there's an exercise...

In a course that I gave, and there's a book on this course, I mention this book a lot, it's called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Okay. One of the exercises in the book when I taught it as a course was to have parents, mom and dad, sitting on the floor. This was a course given with just adults. No kids were there. Okay.

And then you had several kids, several adults leave the room and each one was to enter the room. And without the parents saying anything, the parents were going to invite the kid like, hey, come on here. Your name's Francisco. Let's say that you were playing the kid. Hey, Francisco. We're putting together a puzzle. And then we would not give you any labels. We wouldn't say you were the slow child. We wouldn't say you were the bratty child. We

We wouldn't say you were the golden boy, but we would treat you according to one of those labels. And so for the bratty, pesty child, we'd say, Francisco, can't you go play with your toys a little bit? And without us telling you that you were the pesky, the pest, you would know it, wouldn't you?

You know, you're under our hair. Can you go play with the toys? You know, Daddy and I are trying to focus on this puzzle. To the kid who was the golden boy, it's like, oh, can you help us put this puzzle together?

You know, we're having a lot of problems and you're really good at solving, you know, the kid feels very different. So I would recommend that book. You can look on my website. I have it listed there. It's drkenner.com. Okay, let me write a doctor book. My website is drkenner.com.

Okay, I'm sorry. B-R-K-E-N-N-E-R dot com. Well, let me go on a little bit more because I'd like to give you some more advice. Okay. If you try to use negative, if I said to you, what's something you like to do as a hobby? Mm-hmm.

Me, myself? Yeah. I'm a mechanic, and I like to build some high-performance engines. Not as a hobby, but pretty much that's what I do. You like to build some engines? Uh-huh. And if I said, listen, if you don't help me with the dishes tonight, I'm not going to let you build any engines. You hear me? Look at me in the eyes, Francisco. When I speak to you, are you listening to me?

I don't want to hear any lip from you. You're not paying attention to me. I'm telling you, you won't be able to build the engines. Tell me what your gut response is. How do you feel right now towards me? I feel great. I feel like, I mean, I feel a lot of, a lot of,

And security and me and it is true. Do you like what I'm saying or not? Right, right. That's basically the truth. I mean, and see, that's another thing. I want to learn how to be a better parent, you know, because I know no matter how much I know, it's not enough. Yeah. Let me just. It will never be enough. Let me stop you. Let me pause this for a minute.

What I would feel if somebody had that attitude towards me, you pick up this mess right now or else you're not going to the park. I would be thinking, I hate my dad in that moment. I would be thinking, he's so mean. He's always threatening me.

And even if he remains silent, even if your son remains silent, he's not having very kind thoughts towards you. If you had a different approach, for example, with the engine, if I said to you, Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com. If you had a different approach, for example, with the engine, if I said to you, you know, I would love, I know you can't wait to get to build your, you can't wait to build your engine, Francisco. I would love some help with the dishes. Any way you could carve out maybe 15 minutes and help me with it?

You like that better or not? Yeah. You do. So if you said to him, you know what, it's really hard to, it looks so messy and this looks like a big task. What if we start in one corner and just work through it, honey? Maybe we could even make a game out of it. Any ideas of how to make a game into this out of the cleanup task?

Me? No, I'm saying if you said that to your son. Anyway, this is a messy table. When I have a messy room or a messy homework table, it's hard for me to know even where to begin. So what you can do, if you approach him as a friend...

My guess is you wouldn't tell a friend, you better do this or else. Right, I understand exactly your point. So when we use threats or bribes, do this or I won't take you here, do this or I will take you here, when we use those type of methods, they backfire. So listen, I hope that helps. Thank you so much for your call.

Well, thank you so much. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Father, I wasn't asleep. After you finish medical school and you're on your own, then you can do as you damn well please. But until then, you do as I tell you. Is that clear? Yes, sir. I'm sorry. You know how much this means to your mother, don't you? Yes, sir.

And that's from Dead Poets Society. Imagine going through life like that, where your dad's telling you what career you have to have. And listen to the intensity in dad's voice. You listen to me now. You're going through medical school. You hear that? It means a lot to your mother. Okay, so you've got the guilt there. You've got the intensity. And how do you privately, in your own mind, put a little asterisk there and say, you know,

Yes, but it's my life. And if I am to be happy, I need to choose a career that makes me happy. Dad, if you like med school, maybe you should have pursued that. Maybe you can do something in the medical field now. Mom, if it would make you very happy, if that's your image of me as an adult and you only feel successful if you have a doctor as a son...

Mom, think again. Because if those are your standards, you have to question them. Because I have to be free to discover what I love in life. You may have your dreams, but they can't override my personal dreams, provided they're rational, obviously.

If you're out there doing things that are very self-destructive, then it's not a bad thing for a parent to step in if they do it properly. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke. When should you compromise and how do you do so fairly?

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