🎤 PODCAST • Family Appeasement ~ My fiancé's ex threatened to kill me if I meet his daughter.
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Glenn, you're wondering how to meet your fiancé's daughter? Yes, ma'am. Dr. Kenner, thanks for visiting with me. It's a really strange situation, so I'll get as quickly as I can to the question if that's okay. Yeah, that's fine.

I have known this lady for almost three years, has a child with her ex, and they have been separated and divorced for that long. If you go too quickly, I'll miss it. Oh, I apologize. You've been dating someone for three years? Yes, ma'am. Okay. Okay.

And to the point where we're ready to marry. The challenge is her ex has been so dysfunctional through that time that I've only met her daughter twice. And how old is the daughter? She has just turned nine. She's nine years old. So mom's had contact with her, I'm assuming regularly? Yes.

I'm sorry, say that again, please. Has the woman you're dating had contact with her regularly, or no? She's only seen her twice, two and three years. Oh, no, mom has her in full custody. In full custody? So mom has her all the time. Okay, and mom's kept, why have you not seen her then?

Because of the ex being dysfunctional, he even threatened to kill me if I come around. So we kept that separated. But to the point now, we're trying to figure out how to introduce me into this relationship in the most positive manner for the daughter.

That's a tough one. Father still has access to the daughter, even though mom has full custody? Yes. Well, we're deciding whether that needs to be cut off completely or not as well. It sounds like if he's threatened your life, have you reported that at all to the police? No, we have not as of yet. Okay. What is he threatened to do?

Has threatened to kill me if he sees me around his daughter. Do you know what method he would use? Has he said a specific thing, like I'll shoot you or I will? No, he has not said that. Okay, so it's a vague, but I mean the target is the end of your life. Yes, ma'am. But how he would do it, he doesn't say. Okay, so take it from there. Your main question is what?

My main question is how to introduce myself into this relationship with the daughter in the most positive effect for her. Okay. And what do you know about the daughter? The daughter's a wonderful young lady. She's a very well-balanced little girl, but loves her daddy even though all this dysfunction has taken place. And what havoc do you think the daddy will, this dysfunctional ex will have on her? What might he say to the daughter? You talk with him?

When he finds out that I'm around him, obviously I believe that there will be a lot of negative things said to the daughter. About you? About me, yes. Are they based on fact or are they all fabricated? No, actually he and I have never met face-to-face, so it would all be fabricated. And he doesn't have a new partner or he does? Because sometimes when people who are abusive find a new person to abuse, they...

They don't have enough time to focus on their exes. Uh-huh. But that's not the case. So he's still in... He's in the same town. He is in the same... Yeah. Okay. I... My first...

I don't like bullies to win ever. And so appeasement is not a good policy. And it sounds like the policy up to this point for the last three years has been appeasing him, letting his standards rule your relationship with your girlfriend or now fiancé and her daughter. Does she want you to get together with the daughter? I'm sorry. I couldn't understand that question. Oh, does, excuse me. I don't like bullies to win.

And it sounds like what you've done up to this point is to let him win. He gave you a... I mean, he's threatened your life, which is reportable, definitely reportable. I mean, he could have a restraining order just for doing that. If you can catch it on tape or on a phone recording on his, you know, the wife's answering machine or his ex-wife's answering machine, your fiancé's, then that you could bring to the police. Right.

because he has to communicate it somehow. You know, if it's through the daughter, then he should not be talking through the daughter, and you could again get the protective services involved, although they're not always as protective as I wish they were. Right. So tell me, your wife, what guidance has she given you?

What has she given me? Yes, what does she recommend? Because she knows the player very well, this guy. Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back. Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book, The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front

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What does she recommend? Because she knows the player very well, this guy. She's a little bit back and forth. Number one, because the daughter loves the daddy and doesn't want to take that out of her life. Number two, feels like that's probably the only alternative now is to remove him completely from her life. And in the meantime, introducing me as not a new father, but as a new partner for her. Okay, as a friend.

Or as somebody that she, another adult in her life that she can befriend? Yes, ma'am. Okay, so if the daughter loves the daddy, then she has been, when you say he's dysfunctional, is he an alcoholic? Is he a drug addict? Is he, in what ways does he have a bad character?

To my knowledge, he is not an alcoholic or a drug addict. He doesn't even own a car or a place to live, so he rides his bike. His dysfunction is his control and his anger. He has never physically abused them, but has kept the emotional tension in their lives to a boiling point at all times. And so the daughter, even though you're saying that she's wonderful and well-balanced, has a huge problem in her life that she's had to deal with her dad. Yes.

who's controlling and who can get angry very quickly. And I think it would be a good opportunity for her to know how to own her own thinking, how to be able to say, I love these aspects of Daddy when we go to the zoo or the park or when we sit and read books or play a game together. I don't like it when Daddy gets angry. For her to be able to vocalize that would be a parenting issue with the mother.

For her not to feel trapped like she can't say anything or with a therapist. One route you could go is to actually get a therapist involved to make the transition. So not only are you documenting things in case he goes off the wall and threatens your life again or starts to take actions that are less than life-threatening but still abusive.

And also protecting you. So you could go into therapy and come up with a strategy. And when I say therapy, not just you alone, with your fiancé. And try to figure out the best way of maneuvering through his particular tactics. Because each person who's controlling controls in different ways. Sometimes they do it through bribes. Sometimes they do it through threats. Sometimes they shuttle back and forth.

So, you know, the therapist could track that and work with you in making a transition. You could...

try that with the daughter the daughter needs to be my my protection is with the daughter's ability to speak her own mind and to help her see that some people are many people are package deals is a lot of good in them and then there are some bad things and sometimes the bad things are so bad that you need to separate it's a very difficult choice in this is not when I could make here

But if he is as abusive as you're saying, highly dysfunctional, controlling and threatening your life, maybe he's used that with other people too. If it's not just a throwaway phrase and a bad moment that he had and he would never do it, that's one thing. But if he really means it and if he's out for vengeance, out for blood, then you will need to get protection. There's no reason why you can't marry her.

But you need to know for yourself that he may be on the periphery of your life, too. That's a decision you need to make. So, listen, I wish you a lot of success with this and be curious to find out what happens. Okay.

Okay, thank you so much for your time. Oh, you're welcome. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke. Observe that people who are chronic sacrifices appear selfless in the sense that they want to gratify everyone else's wishes.

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