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🎤 PODCAST • Stress Reduction ~ Reducing stress by being assertive - a short interview with Dr Edwin Locke
2025/3/30
www.drkenner.com Answers Your Questions
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Dr. Edwin Locke
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播音员
主持著名true crime播客《Crime Junkie》的播音员和创始人。
Dr. Edwin Locke: 我认为首先需要做的就是与你的丈夫坐下来，告诉他："我无法继续这样生活下去了。"然后，列出那些让你快要崩溃的事情，一起制定一个计划来减轻你的压力。例如，如果你的丈夫是位很棒的养家糊口的人，那么你可能就没有必要做兼职工作了。也许你的丈夫可以多做一些家务，例如做饭，或者有时候可以接送孩子参加活动。我认为这是第一步，和你的配偶一起制定一个计划，来分担家务，从而减轻你的压力。这需要打破一个长期以来的模式，因为如果你的丈夫一直没有和你沟通，如果这是你们已经形成的模式，并且这是他所期望的，那么你们可能需要一些咨询来打破这种模式。如果你的丈夫不体谅你，并且假设你爱他，告诉他，你知道，你真的很喜欢性生活，但是你的生活压力太大，以至于你无法进入状态，这会给你带来额外的压力，这可能会很快引起你丈夫的注意。好的，这是一个扭转局面的好方法。所以你必须以一种友好的方式来表达你的需求，说："我无法应付这一切，这影响到我的方方面面，也影响到我们的关系。"在最近读到的一本书中，他们谈到了推倒第一张多米诺骨牌。如果你邀请他发生性关系，这可能是一个吸引他的注意力并更好地获得他配合的好方法。那么其他事情呢？我的意思是，孩子们的时间安排得满满当当的，你还要照顾你的母亲，还要应付朋友不停地打电话。有时候，对于孩子的事情，你可以和其他家长分担责任，比如轮流接送。这通常会有所帮助。至于朋友，这是一件棘手的事情，因为……对于朋友，这是一件棘手的事情，因为你不想伤害你的朋友，但是你的朋友并没有真正成为一个好朋友。在这种情况下，她是在利用你作为她的心理医生。所以，我认为你必须在选择朋友方面，以及生活的其他方面都积极主动。如果你的朋友没有让你快乐，那么他们就不是很好的朋友。你可以从简单地说开始："我很珍惜我们的友谊，但我真的没有时间处理这些事情。我必须减少我们每周聊天的时长。"朋友无疑会感到受伤，但这将是一个起点，它可能会导致友谊破裂，也可能不会，这取决于……情况。在我看来，这像是一种单向的友谊，而不是双向的友谊。是的，即使是你对朋友的想法，她真的需要心理治疗，你可以说："你知道，当出现这种情况时，我觉得我像是在充当你的心理医生，而我没有足够的知识来做这件事。"我认为如果你接受治疗，那么我们可以保持联系。也许我们可以聊上五到十分钟，你可以让我了解一下情况。但是，也要限定时间，这可能有助于维持友谊。是的，这是另一种可能性。至于你的母亲，我们不知道你母亲的收入或其他情况的细节，但我认为你可以说："妈妈，我现在真的太忙了，你能自己打车去医院吗？"当然。或者如果你的母亲有朋友网络，可以和朋友一起去。或者现在有很多面包车，我认为许多大城市都有面包车服务，你可以打电话叫车，而且这些车还不错，不像脏兮兮的出租车。所以你必须真的……你不能在不知情的情况下被剥削。你不能认可正在发生在你身上的事情，你必须采取行动来改变现状。没有人会为你做这件事，你必须自己去做。是的。所以她需要退一步，看看她一天或一周的时间安排，看看她是如何安排时间的，然后开始确定对她来说最重要的东西的优先级。如果她晚上要上法律课程，那么这可能是首要任务。如果她想和丈夫相处一段时间，那么这可能是首要任务。如果她想独自待一会儿，许多处于同样境地的女性或男性都想要一些独处的时间，那么这可能是首要任务。然后，你还要把她的所有问题分解成一个个小问题，而不是把它们当成一个整体来处理。是的。但是通常你可以把问题结合起来。很多问题都是关于共同问题的。和她丈夫一起。很多问题都是这种性质的。所以，即使这是一件事，实际上也是五件事。你知道，做饭、家务、照顾孩子、打扫卫生。也许他们可以请个保姆。也许他们可以雇一个放学后接送孩子的司机。所以，如果她让她丈夫知道她的处境，很多女性都不会说出来，或者她的丈夫也处于同样的境地，他们需要说出来。如果沟通中断，那么你的生活就会充满压力。
播音员: 要精心规划生活，否则会被各种需求压垮。
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Dr. Edwin Locke: 'The first thing she would need to do is sit down with her husband and say to him, I can't live like this. And say, let me go over the things that are driving me slightly insane and let's together work out a plan for me to... lessen the stress. For example, if the husband is such a great breadwinner, maybe the part-time job is not necessary. Maybe the husband could do more around the house, more cooking. Maybe he could sometimes take the kids to activities.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'So she's got to be assertive in a nice way and say, I can't deal with this. And it's affecting everything and it's affecting our relationship.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'So that can often be helpful.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'And if your friends aren't making you happy, then they're not great people to have as friends.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'You could start by simply saying, I do value your friendship, but I just don't have the time to deal with this. I'm going to have to cut down the amount of hours we talk a week, and a friend will undoubtedly be hurt.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'I'm thinking if you have therapy and then we could touch base. Maybe we can talk for five or ten minutes and you can catch me up on things. But to put a time limit in it, too, that may help retain the friendship.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'Could you possibly take a taxi to the doctor?'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'You can't be in a position of being the exploitee with your own consent here. You have to not sanction what's happening to you and take action to change things. And no one's going to do it for you. You have to do it yourself.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'So she needs to stand back and look at her entire day or week and see how she's spending her time and start to prioritize what's of top value to her. If it's her evening course in law, then that may come first. If it's some time with her husband, then that may come first. If it's some time alone, many women or men in the same situation want some time alone. That may come at the top. And then you also are breaking all of her problems into two individual bits rather than dealing with it all as one lump sum.'
Dr. Edwin Locke: 'One of the things that I learned when I was in graduate school, actually, was that everybody has a breaking point. We can overload ourselves with so many stressors, whether it's the kids, whether it's your in-laws, family, friends, whatever. whether you're in school or whether you're working one or two jobs you can overload yourself so much that you just start to break down and i knew i was breaking down when i just found myself sitting in a corner in the kitchen and not able to move and i said something has to give and i said but nothing can give Something's got to give, and it's not you that gives.'
Dr. Ellen Kenner & Dr. Edwin Locke: 'Sometimes the underlying problem is that partners are not addressing the real issue. The resisting partner may not want to acknowledge or may not explicitly know what the real issue is. For example, a man may resist planning a romantic evening because he fears the humiliation of impotence. Nurturing supportive discussion may help him talk about this issue and deal with his fears openly and move towards some solution.'
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