🎤 PODCAST • Temper Tantrums ~ How can I handle my three year old's temper tantrums?
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Jennifer, you're having some problems with your three-year-old? Yes, I am, doctor. Yeah, tell me, give me an example of what's going on and what you've tried. Yes, okay, my daughter has very, very, very bad tantrums. Like if I don't give her something that she wants, she'll throw things at me. She'll tell me she hates me. She doesn't even call me mommy. She calls me Jen. I've tried...

banking. I've tried timeouts. I've tried taking things away from her, but everything is a struggle with her, whether it's getting her dressed in the bath, taking her even to the park. She kicks and screams, and I just don't know what to do. Okay. When has she been on her best behavior? Um,

When she's doing something she enjoys, which is watching TV or when she's coloring. Siblings? She does, but none that live with us. What do you think, what's your situation? You're a single parent? No, I am married. My husband has three other children who live with their mother.

And so what do you think accounts for these bad tantrums at such a young age? Besides, they say, the terrible twos and the rest. Right. I don't know. People were telling me maybe it's, you know, not giving her enough attention. But if I give her a lot of attention, I think pretty much maybe she's spoiled instead of

If I give her a piece of candy, just say, and like she wants another one, I won't give it to her, but then she'll start screaming and yelling and... Can you ask me for a piece of candy right now? What? Can you be her? Can you be Jen? Sure. And ask... Her name's Jen? No, her name is Emily. Oh, your name's Jen.

Emily, can you be Emily and ask me for a piece of candy right now? That's right, you're a Jen. Yes. Mommy, can I have a piece of candy? You know something? I can hear how much you want it. What type of candy would you want, honey?

I would like a piece of gum. You would like a piece of gum. What color gum? It's red, Mommy. It's red. You know what, honey? Let's take that piece of gum, and the next time it's candy time, maybe, I don't know what time you would set, but after dinner tonight, let's wrap that gum up in a piece of clean tissue, pretty colored paper for you, and that will be your piece for after dinner.

No, Mommy, I want it now. I can hear how much you want it now, honey. You have such a wonderful, strong mind. I can hear that. And it is hard to wait. It's hard for me to wait at times, too, hon. Let's see, what were you doing? You're reading a book right now? No, Mommy, I'm watching TV. Mommy, I want the gum now. You are such a determined kid, honey. I love that in you, that you are very determined. Thank you.

And you're learning something. You're learning how to want something really badly and to be able to postpone it a little bit. And that's a wonderful skill for you to have, honey. Jen, I want the gum now. When I hear myself being called Jen, I don't like it at all. I expect that to stop. I'm mommy, honey. If I hear Jen again, I'm going to get very upset.

I prefer to be called mommy. Mommy, I hate you. Shut up.

You know, I can hear that you're very angry right now. I don't like to be told to shut up right now. I'm going in the other room and I'm going to be doing X, Y, Z. I don't know what you're doing. You know, I'm going to be cooking. I'm closing the door because I want my peace and quiet right now. Slam the door crying. And then she's crying. Yeah. Okay. I might let her just cry. Okay. Because what is she learning right now? That no means no. That no means no.

Totally. That no means no. So here's what happens. You've developed some bad habits with her, and they're not going to change overnight, much as we as parents wish we could turn back the clock and not make some mistakes. If you ask your husband for something, what would be something very quick that you would ask your husband for, you know, to get you something? A cup of soda. And if he says, no, I'm not going to get it for you, and he spanks you? No.

No. How would you feel at that moment? Exactly. How do you feel at that moment? Oh, I would be embarrassed and hurt. And if you establish some of those feelings with your daughter, if she learned that you use an uncivilized way to try to force her mind not to have the candy, or in your case, the soda, then nobody likes to be spanked. Spanking always...

backfires. I mean, even if kids do what you tell them to do with a spanking, what they think is he's mean or she's mean, I'll get her back or I'll get dad back. So spanking doesn't work. Timeouts. When you tell a kid, take some time out and think about what you've done. I mean, how many kids sit there and think about, oh, I feel so regretful, mother. Mother

You know, I really am upset about what I did. You know, I called you Jen, and I should have called you Mother. Taking things away teaches kids not to tell you what their favorite things are. Right. So you don't connect well with them. So those methods that you use are the ones that so many parents have used with their kids. I used them with my kids until I learned better skills. Now you're in a transition period. Right.

What I'm going to recommend to you is... Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back. Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book, The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

Now you're in a transition period.

Okay. Okay.

I even if she's not going to go along with this initially if this is a wonderful skill instead of saying no what did I say to you you said you know what Emily well we'll take the piece of gum put it in the tissue and we'll save it for after dinner and did you feel like I was shooting you down with a no or no no I didn't that felt a little different didn't it so I'm valuing the

fact that you want a reasonable value but at the wrong time right so instead of saying no if it's possible to say later i do that so mom i don't want to i want to stay up late tonight you know honey i know you would love to stay up late tonight this weekend let's have a late night let's you can stay up till eight o'clock

I know she's only three years old. So there are ways, that's one series of skills that you'll use on how not to say no. When people are confronted with a no, even with your husband, will you get me a drink? No. If he says, you know, I can get it later for you, it sounds nicer. And you want to be able to express disapproval without attacking her character, Emily's character. So when I said, I don't like to be called...

Right. Okay.

I expect to be called Mom. Okay. I don't like it when I'm called Jen. I will not answer to Jen anymore. Okay.

Okay. And you can initially say it with a softer voice, but if she insists, it's okay to use strong emotion as long as it's not attacking. I expect to be called. If you have sarcasm in your voice or an attacking tone or attacking body language, it doesn't work either. Yes, she's going to probably feed off of that. She's going to want to attack me.

Right. You can give her a choice. You can say, you know, you can have that piece of gum tonight after dinner or right before you go to bed, honey. Which would you prefer?

So basically, you've just said no to her for now. Right. But giving a person a choice gives them the feeling, especially a three-year-old, that they're doing. So the book, that they're not being spanked. They're not being attacked. You do not want to attack your child's mind. You want to work with it and set limits. The books are...

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Okay. That's at my website, drkenner.com. Okay. And that should significantly reduce...

the tantrums, knowing that there will be a transition period where she won't maybe immediately respond to some of these skills, but stick with them. Okay. Thank you so much, Jennifer. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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