Why Kids Refuse Homework (ADHD), Fight Siblings & Argue #468
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Do you have kids who argue like attorneys? They fight with their siblings, refuse to do homework. They're always moving, tapping pencils. They struggle to focus and attention at times. Sometimes they're very oppositional. They get bored easily. They like to do things the hard way. Some of these kids chew a lot. They hum or they talk loudly and then complain about other people being loud, right? These are often kids who are impulsive. They procrastinate. They wait till the last minute. They often do work in spurts.

Do you know why they do that? It's really important to understand. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm. I want to encourage you, let your kids listen to this episode because my larger goal is to teach kids how their brains work.

because these are their brains they're gonna have the rest of their lives and when they know how to own it themselves man it is such a gift to them and it's also a great way to have great conversation and i want to give credit um to a mom on our instagram page i posted a video about how to do homework in slightly weird ways and she said could you please explain this more well

On an Instagram video, I get 90 seconds. On a podcast, I get a little bit more time. So I want to go through this in some detail. I've not written out a script for this. I just want to go based on what I know from working with these kids for the last 25 years, from having 1,500 of these kids in our home, from working with hundreds of thousands of families. There are some common elements here. And so I think what you're going to find, and look, I'm not going through the brain science. Do that yourself.

I want to go through the practical elements, but for many of your kids, we've talked on a previous podcast about kids with very busy brains. So it feels like everything's out of control. So they try to control other people in situations. It's where some of the anxiety comes from. They're disorganized and forgetful, poor planning. Executive function is difficult. Sometimes they eat the same foods, wear the same clothes all the time. That's what

one thing that's happening in their brain. Some of your kids, they've got sensory issues. And that's why I mentioned in that video she was referring to that I noticed these kids that came into our home, they would lay on the hard part of, they take the cushions off the sofa and lie down on the hard part of the sofa. And at first I was like, what weird little kids. But then you step back and you start to observe your kids because your kids will tell you everything they need

by what they do. So I started observing. I noticed, oh, they like confined places. They like sensory pressure. Well, I can use that in homework time, in sleep. I can use that to calm kids down. So I'd encourage you, become a detective. Become a detective and really, not to catch your kids doing things wrong because that's easy to do, but a detective to learn why they do certain things and watch for patterns. It's really cool.

So today what I want to focus on is your child's brain. And many of your kids don't get enough brain stimulation, whether that's from a lack of dopamine or something else, lack of blood flow in their brain. So they're always seeking stimulation. And that's when I open this up, that's a lot of those things. Fidgeting, doodling, tapping pencils, moving constantly, arguing like a turntable, all those things. That's where it comes from. So let me start going through this topic.

to help you in some practical ways. So we know in school the kids are gonna, you know, fidgeting and tapping pencils. Well, what's that doing? It is bringing blood flow to the brain, which actually helps them concentrate better. So...

One thing that you can do, I'll give you a few ideas during homework time, is this. Movement and rhythm. Really, really important. Just sitting a kid at a kitchen table and then standing over him or her and saying, if you would just focus, you would be done in 45 minutes instead of taking three hours. Not really helpful. So I'm not a big fan of always sitting and learning. It's not how the brain and the body are supposed to work. So picture this.

Can your son or daughter stand at the kitchen counter? They can rock back and forth. They can also, if there aren't a lot of other kids around who are going to be distracted, they could always tap their pencil on something. You can always, what we would do is just get the kitchen sponge and put it up there, a dry one or a little bit wet,

You've got to watch because these kids are going to make a mess of everything. But they can tap a sponge because we've used that in the classroom sometimes, a little tiny piece of a sponge on a desk, and a child could be tapping that sponge. It doesn't make any noise, but they still get the tapping motion of it. So they're standing at the kitchen counter, rocking back and forth, sometimes listening to music. Music can be extremely helpful because music has rhythm in it. And the rhythm...

See if this makes sense. The rhythm in the music, the rhythm in the rocking back and forth, they can also be eating a snack because eating a snack is chewing. Think what you're doing. You're chewing. There's a rhythm in that. There's also anxiety relief in chewing. Some of your kids, that's why they hum.

They hum because that's usually when they're thinking. There is a vibration there, there is a little bit of a rhythm, and it actually helps them concentrate. So picture instead of kids sitting still at the table, he's standing at the kitchen counter rocking back and forth, maybe tapping something, maybe not. He can also or she can also look over his or her paper, and you tend to see things a little bit better sometimes when you're standing at a different angle.

They are listening to music, experiment with the music. When I am doing writing projects, when Casey is doing writing projects, we listen to very intense music. It doesn't always have to be classical music. Let it be music that's... Who cares if it's irritating to you? That just means you're old. Because we all do that. Every generation hates the other generation's music.

So they're listening to music, chewing. That's sometimes very, very helpful. Some of you have kids, the sensory kids, who... I have kids, we've taught kids how to read while swinging on a swing. One, it's very calming. It's relaxing, and there is a rhythm to it. Some of you have kids...

who spin because that meets a vestibular need. Let them spin and while they're spinning, review their vocabulary words, quiz them on math facts. I guarantee you if they love to spin, they will do their homework and review stuff like that. They will do it so well while they're spinning. Some of you have kids who lie off the sofa upside down. Good. Go grab their math homework and walk inside. Lay upside down next to them if that doesn't make you sick.

and say, hey, bet you can't do your math worksheet upside down. Many of your kids will love that. Use their nature. Stop fighting it. Those kids that would take the cushions off the hard part of the sofa are like confined spaces. So on one of the Instagram videos,

The idea was, well, put a blanket over the kitchen table. You now have a fort. Kids love forts. They can go underneath the table because now nobody can stare at them. And they're under there. They can eat the chicken nuggets and mac and cheese that fell off the table from the night before. You give them a flashlight or matches would stimulate their brain. Don't do that one.

And now they can do homework in a different way. So here's what I want you to experiment. Experiment with homework time. Know how their brains work because once you understand how your child's brain works, not how your brain works, you can do this with a lot less resistance. And you know what the bigger thing is? It's not just about...

stopping power struggles and getting things done. You know what it really is? You're teaching your child how your child is made. Your child is going to have this brain for the rest of their lives when they're in the working world. So knowing how they work best is

is extremely important. I would encourage you, if you do not have it, get the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package, and they will have the ADHD University Program in there. Now,

Your kids don't have to be diagnosed. I don't even ask for a diagnosis. I don't want a diagnosis. They're very broad. They're not very specific, and I just don't care. What I want to always know is what is the behavior? The outward behavior will tell me everything that's going on inside of their brain and heart, and then I just develop solutions for that. So your kids don't have to have ADHD, but that particular program goes through, I'd say probably...

many, many dozens of practical things you can do at homework time and in the classroom to help your kids succeed. Okay, here's another one. Arguing like attorneys. Why do your kids argue like attorneys? We always think it's like, well, they just want to push our buttons because they're jerks. No. And they're not just doing it for attention.

The brain seeks intensity. These kids' brains love intensity. And here's what we know as humans. Wherever we can get that intensity the quickest and easiest, that's where we're going to get it. So

So guess what kids do? They do something wrong or they talk back or they argue with you. And guess what? Then you're going to put down your phone, whatever you're working on. You're like, young man, young lady, you are not going to talk to me like that. And you just fed their brain a lot of intensity, but it was in a very negative way. And so we want to bring this in a positive way. A little side note here. If you have kids who were adopted, kids with attachment issues,

This is even more important because this is critical to understand. They associate intensity with connection.

Because the worst thing in a relationship, right, is not just when you're arguing with your spouse. Because then at least I care enough to argue with you. It's apathy. Apathy means I just don't care. And to a child whose brain needs a lot of intensity, here's what that child knows.

Whether it's negative or positive, I don't care. But when my mom or dad is yelling at me, at least they care enough about me to yell. See, they don't distinguish between positive and negative intensity. And what little kids know is I get the teacher's intensity, my parents' intensity, much more quickly when I do something wrong.

So I want to start noticing when kids do things well and giving more intensity that, hey, nice job with that. Hey, good job, man. That shows me you're growing up. Fist bump. Start doing that.

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So when Casey, look, the other thing is they're going to push your buttons and that only works because you have so many buttons to push. This is not blame or guilt, but we just have to grow up as adults and know that we have a lot of triggers. Look on my Instagram videos, I wear a Yankees hat.

Why? Well, one, I have that hat because we hike a lot. And when I wear a Yankees hat, it either provokes people, which is, look, I'm these kids. It's interesting when people get provoked by a hat, by a logo on a hat.

And so it provokes conversations because a lot, everybody has an opinion. A lot of people have an opinion on the Yankees. They either love them or hate them. Nobody's really passionate about the Colorado Rockies. Most of you don't even know they have a team.

So I wear that hat, but on the videos I get so many comments, "I'd love to take your advice, but I can't from a Yankees fan." And I have to reply, "Um, I'm not a Yankees fan. I just wear the hat to provoke easily provoked people." Why? Because that's interesting to do.

So your kids, when they do that, and I'm not being funny here, it's a gift to you because strong will kids are going to help you identify all of your triggers because they're going to find all of them. Every last button you have. You're compliant, wonderful children. They're not going to trigger anything in you because they just do whatever you want and it doesn't push you emotionally to change or grow.

Again, not being euphemistic. Oh, these kids are a gift, but they are a gift because they're going to cause you to grow up and they're going to cause you to learn how to handle conflict with your spouse because you and your spouse didn't know that you're going to have one of these kids. And so you're like, oh, we're going to have a family. It's going to be wonderful. And then you had the strong will child. Now you're like, oh, we don't agree on this at all. And so it's going to cause you to have to grow up because if you don't grow up, you're going to grow apart. Your family's going to fall apart.

So let me give you one, maybe two examples on this. So Casey would come at me because he is an expert button pusher because he learned it from me. So he would push my buttons and I used to react all the time. Young man, you can't talk to me like that. If I would have talked to my father like that, I would have gotten the belt. And I would react all the time until I finally learned this. So I would start, stop doing that. I would say, hey, case, I know what's going on right now.

Your brain needs to be simulated. I know what you're looking for. At first, you know what I told him? I said, I need to apologize to you. I apologize because by my actions, the previous 83 or 8,300 times you've pushed my buttons, I always react to you. And I've taught you by my actions that you actually have power over my emotions and mood and behavior.

And I apologize for that because that's what I've taught you before. From now on, I'm not arguing. I'm not going into the courtroom with you because you can't. These kids are little attorneys, cops, and judges all rolled into one. They will own you. So I'd say, hey, listen, watch the process here. I'm teaching him.

I apologize because in the past I've reacted. See, that's an honest statement. An apology is just like a compliment or affirming your child. It's just a statement of truth. And that's why it's so powerful. There's no groveling. There's no making a big deal of it. It's just a simple statement of fact that this has happened in the past.

And I know what you're looking for right now, which is some intensity and for your brain to be stimulated. And I'm not going to give that to you by reacting and fighting with you because I'm not going in the courtroom. But remember, here's where our energy goes.

But if you want to do X, Y, or Z, man, I am all over that. And I'm inviting him to do other activities that will give him my positive intensity. Does that make sense? I really want you to practice that. One of our most popular, I think it's a pinned video on Instagram, is the chips and salsa one. And I'll just do a shortened version. I think I can do it in a minute or less. Casey comes at me with that tone. Instead of reacting, I said...

Hey, I can tell something's going on here. Listen, if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. See, I'm not going to give in to that. I'm not reacting. I'm not taking it personally. Parents, please stop taking everything personally. And I'll add this. You're going to have to wrestle with some of these ideas because you're like, that doesn't sound right. That's not the way I was raised.

But the way you were raised pretty much messes up a lot, right? That's why things are so messed up because we never challenge our assumptions. Look, my son cannot disrespect me unless I give him the power to do so. Like you can write something offensive to me on our Instagram or Facebook page and

It only offends me if I give you that power to offend me. Does that make sense? See, it takes it out of like, we give our kids way too much power. Well, she made me upset. He's causing problems in our marriage. No, you're allowing that. That's not true. And so...

understand where it's coming from, you can start to solve it. So that's why kids get bored easily. They're going to do things the hard way. They want to figure it out on their own, even if it's more difficult. That's why they take consequences sometimes, because they like the challenge of that. I mentioned the chewing and humming before. Look, these are all clues for you to start observing your kids and learning. It is a really cool process.

I'm going to get sibling fights to end this. Here's an interesting one. Your kids often procrastinate. Why? Because if I procrastinate and wait until the last minute, well, what happens? Now there's pressure. At work, my boss is all over me or that assignment is late. Well, what happens in college, right? You waited until the last minute. Well, now...

You've got to pull an all-nighter. And so that puts pressure on you and you get an adrenaline rush, which brings blood flow to your brain, which actually helps you focus. It's just a negative way to stimulate your brain, but it works. And so one core principle, this is really important to understand with these kids is it's not about managing their time. It's about managing their energy.

Please go through our programs. We go through little nuggets like that that will completely change the way you try to motivate your kids. Because if you try to get ADD kind of and ADHD kind of kids and kids on the spectrum, neurodivergent kids to think like you do or always in a very rational way and be like, oh, it's about time management. It will not work.

It's about managing their energy because these are momentum workers. These are kids who work in spurts. So here's the final one I want to do. Siblings.

Let's go through a common sibling issue. Now, sibling fights tend to come from one of two places. One is resentment toward the other one, the other sibling, because you have a kid who is, one of our kids is kind of always in trouble, feels bad about himself, and then there's like the compliant child, compliant sibling who everybody loves, who's like,

Well, then there's resentment toward that good child because they're the one that's favored, right? And that goes back to the beginning of time. We don't want that. But here's the other part. It's a brain stimulation issue. It's a boredom issue. So let's picture this. For this purpose, the purpose of this example, you've got a strong-willed,

boy, a son who needs brain stimulation, and then you've got his sister. And so they're in the living room, and all of a sudden, the strong-willed son starts to do what? Starts to poke his sister, irritate, or just look at her. Now, your daughter responds with,

"Mom, mom, he's bugging me, he's irritating me, he's poking me, or better yet, he's almost poking me without touching me, right? He's bothering me." So what happens? Mom or dad, let's say mom comes into the room, "You know what? I buy you guys all these toys and all these video games. You can't even play well together for 20 minutes. Young man, leave your sister alone. How many times have I told you to leave her alone? If you can't leave her alone, you're going to lose your video games and you're going to go to your room." And guess what this kid just got?

A lot of intensity. He got intensity from his sister by just looking at her. Now, mom came in and gave him a lot of intensity. It's all negative, but still feeding his brain. Then what happens? Dad hears the chaos and commotion, and dad's, some of us, right, the engineers, the ones who like a lot of order, you can't take the chaos, so you come into the room to fix the situation, which always makes it worse, and you start yelling,

Your son, how many times have I told you to leave your sister alone? You don't pick on her. And guess what? This little kid, by merely looking at his sister or almost poking her, just triggered three people. Just got three people to upset. Because you know what the dad's also upset at? His wife is upset.

Right? And so what he's really saying to his son is, you know, I don't really care about what you did, but you look, don't make my wife upset. Cause this man, we barely know what to do with you when everything's okay wives. But when you're upset, it freaks us out because we're uncomfortable with emotions. And that's why we shut you down and say, Oh, it's no big deal. You're overreacting. There's no need for you to be upset. And that just never, ever works. It makes it worse all the time. So one kid,

by taking one simple action, no effort at all, just got three people in his home to react. Now, is that right of him? No, but it's also not right of us to keep feeding it, right? It would stop if we would stop doing that. So instead,

"Mom, Dad, you come into the room." I love coming in, lying down on the living room floor or sitting because it throws your kids off. And now I get to teach, I get to read the moment, read the room. "Hey, I know what's going on in here. "Son, you have this awesome brain. "Man, it needs a lot of brain stimulation. "That's why you're always thinking. "That's why you're always moving. "You've got this brain, all these ideas in your head." And I love that. But your big enemy in life is boredom. You hate being bored. So when you get bored, you pick on your sister. Now here's the downside.

When you pick on your sister, you end up getting in trouble and losing stuff that you like doing. And you just gave your sister power over you because if she stops reacting, you have to up the game. So here's what else I know about you. Besides all these other great things, you have a big heart, usually toward other people, not me. Don't say that part, but just know it inside.

Don't say any of the sarcastic stuff. I get to say that on a podcast. Don't say it to your kids. So son, you've got this big heart toward other people and you love money. I'm not talking about greedy kids. I'm talking about kids who just are born entrepreneurs. So son, I have an idea. I need to go start making dinner. There's movement. Motion changes emotion. I'm inviting him into another place.

hey, I'm going to go start on dinner. If you want to come help me out or come sit at the kitchen counter, I bet we could brainstorm three different ways for you to earn some money in this neighborhood, right? Doing little jobs for different people, starting his own little business. So what have I just done? Instead of coming in, why do you always have to pick on your sister? Why can't you behave yourself? Go to your room. Instead of shaming and, and,

Look, we're not teaching him anything. All we're saying is, "You're a bad kid. Please cut it out or go away from us." In this, I just explained exactly what's going on in his brain so he knows for the rest of his life he better stimulate his brain in positive ways or he's gonna be a risk-taker and gamble and have addictions to different things. I'm teaching him and I'm showing him a different way, a positive way to get this brain stimulation. See, that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

And now I start to proactively meet the need for brain stimulation and intensity in positive ways

a lot of these misbehaviors just go away. And I can also teach my daughter how to stop reacting to him and stand up for herself, but that's for a separate podcast. So think how beautiful this is. Now I know why my child does this. You know why your kids do this. So proactively start doing things to meet those same needs, and you can do away with a lot of the arguing and the fights and the refusal and resistance to do homework. So...

Those are your marching orders this week. Observe and instead of reacting, meet internal needs. If you need help with that, go through the programs and come on an app. You and your spouse can both listen on your own app on your own phone. You can share it with your parents. If you have teachers who are interested and want this insight,

then you just contact, we'll give access to teachers so they know how kids' brains work. Like it's really, really cool. So if we can help you in any way, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for being open to different things and trying it a different way. And thanks for sharing the podcast with others. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.