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That's why we're pleased to be supported by State Farm Insurance. State Farm also believes that we must invest in our communities to achieve economic growth by sponsoring programs like the AXO, which rewards high school students for their academic achievements. State Farm believes that being better neighbors creates better communities. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Imagine relying on a dozen different software programs to run your business, none of which are connected, and each one more expensive and more complicated than the last. It can be pretty stressful.

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And just like that, we're back on the air. Welcome back to yet another carefully reckless session with your girl Jess. Hilarious, right? All right, we're going to jump right in. This person wants to stay anonymous and these are not voice notes. I'm going to be reading these today. Here we go. Hey Jess, I've been in my current relationship for six years now. I really love my boyfriend and who he is. He's funny, very social. He's smart and he really pushes me to get out of my element and has taught me how to really relax and rest.

I'm the kind of person who stays very busy and has multiple jobs and is always doing a lot to get my mind off of the bad in life that causes me to have anxiety. About six months ago, I broke up with him because there are things in the relationship that I have been asking from him, such as him taking charge and taking lead with house projects and other aspects of our relationship. So I communicate what I need in a relationship and what is expected from my significant other, but he never stays consistent.

He just does it for a little while and then stops. After expressing this to him, we decided to try and make it work. Now six months go by and I still have to be on his back to get anything done. He does it and doesn't put his full effort into it. So I have to go back and do it correctly or finish it off. From the start of the relationship, he's gotten better, but there's new things now because we grew and our environment changed.

We aren't married and we don't have any kids, but we recently just got a house together so the environment changed and of course there's a lot more responsibilities, but he's just not adjusting. I tell him how I feel and he says he'll change and that he feels like I'm criticizing everything he does and he's exhausted. This causes him to shut down too. Like I said, I love him and I don't want him to feel bad about himself. I guess I don't know how to get my point across. I don't know.

I'm just at the point where I'm tired of repeating myself and at the point where I just don't want to wait for him to get his things together anymore. Should I continue to wait and try to drill it in his head or should I move on? It's been six years. Also, what I mean by shut down is he gets mad at me for criticizing him and stops talking to me completely. So he's mad at me for being mad. Jesus Christ.

All right, you little manipulating narcissist. Damn. No, okay, I'm just joking a little bit. Okay, so it sounds like he's very lazy. It sounds like you guys have been together for six years and he hasn't evolved, but you have. It sounds like you've been basically holding his hand up until this point. He'll do great for a little bit and then go right back into lazy mode. I'm going to call it lazy because that's what it sounds like from your passage. It's very lazy.

Have you ever talked to him about why he does this? Not so much telling him to do something, not so much being his mother, because that's exactly what you act as when, you know, I can see how that happens. I can see how that happens. This happens with me and Jerome a lot. That's my son's father.

I talk at him a lot because I get so angry because I'm like, yo, why aren't you making these manly decisions? Why are you just so irresponsible? Why can't you do that? Why this? Why that? Why that? So it kind of seems to him like I'm trying to play mommy, like I'm his mother.

But a man doesn't want a woman that actually acts like his mother or acts as if she is his mother. They want us to be submissive a little bit. But in your defense, you're like, how can I be submissive to someone who won't take lead, who won't initiate doing manly things, whether it's gender roles or not? It's like, yo, be a fucking man already.

I totally understand where you're coming from. But I want you to kind of like get to the bottom of why he acts that way. If it's worth it to you, you know, six years is not a little bit of time, babe. You've been dealing with this for six years. So there has been something that had to keep you around. You know, you said you're not married. You don't have children. There has to be something that keeps you something that he does great. If you don't want to walk away, I never encourage someone to walk away from a relationship unknowingly.

unless they're being abused, unless they're being hurt, unless they are being treated less than who they are. And here it doesn't really seem like that's the case.

However, you do deserve better. You do need to have a better balance in your relationship. You can't be the breadwinner. You can't be the brains. You can't be you can't be the everything. You can't be the man in your relationship. You are the woman. Yeah, I think you should get to the bottom of that. Communication is key. I always say it and try not to talk at him.

So much, you know, because I do understand he gets upset with you for being upset with him. But it's probably the way you talk to him. Trust me, I've been in this situation. And while I'm not justifying his lacking in the relationship, because he needs to do those things, you know, especially since you guys just bought a home together. You guys just got into your first house, I'm assuming, you know. I do feel that he may feel a sense of disrespect when you're talking to him.

when you're constantly fussing and probably harping on these things, but that's your frustration. And that's probably the only way that you feel you can get through to him. So you've learned to express yourself in that manner and that's not good either. So both of you need to sit down and have a civilized conversation and try to get to the bottom of what it is that he's going through. If he's going through something, you know, he could just be regular plain old lazy. Then you got to get the hell up and leave, babe. That's just what it is.

You seem like you love him. You know, you didn't talk bad about him at all. You just are telling me what his flaws are and that kind of thing. Do you want children? Do you want marriage? Do you feel like that you've been girlfriend and boyfriend too long? Because in a relationship, when you get in a relationship, which I just recently learned in my previous relationship,

You have to communicate exactly what it is you want from a relationship before diving into it. You have to know your partner. You have to know what they're going to accept, what they're willing to accept, what they are not willing to accept. And I think you accepting it for so long has conditioned him to be okay with what he does. You know, I know she's just going to fuss at me. I'm going to just do this shit right now. Then I'll go back to who I really am. You know what I'm saying? So, but

Both of you, I'm not going to just deem one person as the wrongdoer. You carry a lot of wrong in it as well because you've allowed a lot of this for so long, babe. So it's all about how you want to move forward. Do you think it's worth staying with him?

Do you feel like that you're just so annoyed by what he does now that it's like, yo, we've completely fucked this up so bad. I don't even see us reconciling. You know, I don't see reconciliation in our future. These are the questions that you have to ask yourself. But I definitely need you to try to see what his problem is. And like I said, don't talk at him. Talk to him.

because he's another human being. But check back in with me. I hope that helped you. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back. Here's a little secret. Most smartphone deals aren't that exciting. To be honest, they're barely worth mentioning. But then there's AT&T and their best deals. Those are quite exciting. They're the kind of deals that are really worth talking about. Like their deal on the new Samsung Galaxy Z Flip 6. We

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Hey Jess, love the podcast. Here's my dilemma. Been dealing with this guy since September. First couple of months, we were dating, sexually involved, and he was adjusting to a new work schedule. So the date slowed down because he damn near only had one day off, and he worked that night, and I worked throughout the day.

He didn't have weekends off like I did. I was understanding of that. I asked his intentions. He said he was dating to marry. I'm like, cool. We on the same page. I ended up getting pregnant and we chose to terminate due to the fact that we just met. And I didn't know for real if we saw each other in each other's lives long term. So after that, I thought we were still working toward a relationship though. By January, he got into some legal trouble. Then he came home and told me he had a baby on the way.

He was dealing with her before the trouble happened. So now I'm like, damn, not only were you sexually involved with me, but her too? Wow. I have been on and off with this man since he told me he had a baby on the way. I'm like, okay, we weren't in a committed relationship when it happened, but I think the fact that we decided not to have a child together is still in my mind. Now he has a whole newborn.

I have been trying to cut this man off, but I can't seem to do so. I've still been dating others, but no other connection compares to what we have. He keeps saying how bad he wants to be with me. He just plans on co-parenting with the mother of his child. I need to hear from someone else's point of view. Should I try to work it out with this man or be done for good, no matter how hard it may be? Okay. Well, thank you for keeping it short, but that was a whole lot in a little bit of time, babe. Okay.

So, given the fact that there was no commitment, you guys just started off basically having sex and talking. There was no, from your end, there was no exclusivity. He told you that he was dating to marry. You in return didn't say that. I mean, unless you just didn't say that to me. But it seemed like you kind of didn't know. You know, you actually said it. You're like, I mean, I didn't know if we were really going to be in each other's lives for a long period of time. Given that...

Hmm.

I don't think that you could fault him so much for having a baby because in all reality, at the end of the day, it was the other girl's decision to keep it. Now, we don't know what he told her. He could have told her to get rid of it. He could have prompted her to keep it, whatever. At the end of the day, it's the woman's decision. So let's just say she chose to have the baby and he just wants to co-parent with her. Is he upfront and honest with you about everything? Did you have to find anything out? Did you ever catch him in a lie? I mean-

What are the facts? I mean, and you can't question him having unprotected sex with someone else when you two barely knew each other and he was having unprotected sex with you. You have to question if he moves like this with me, why would he be exempt to move like this with anyone else? You understand what I'm saying? And you let that happen. You got pregnant.

And you two chose to abort for the right reason, of course. But that's still traumatizing to you now because he has a baby. If it's going to be hard for you to get past, I would say stay away because that's toxicity waiting to happen. If he keeps telling you how bad he wants to be with you, you know, and you want to be with him, I think.

you need some type of clarity because I feel like you feel that he already fucked up your trust a little bit, you know, but there was never any foundation established with you two. He got into legal trouble. I'm pretty sure he probably didn't know he had a baby on the way if that happened, you know, but the fact that the girl kept it, I don't know, that sends a red flag. I mean, cause do you know him well enough to keep his baby? Now there are girls out here who

meet guys, have sex with them the same day, have babies. That's why there's a such thing as paternity court. But was this an ex-girlfriend? I mean, I just need you to get all the information that you can before you just oblige to be with him, you know, before you say, you know what, this is what I'm going to do because I think it's the trust factor for you now. You know, the fact that y'all got rid of y'all child and he still ended up having one and

And you said you talked to other people, but nothing compares to the connection that you two have. I'm not going to tell you not to give it a try. I just want you to find out more information. There has to be an open and honest line of communication from here on out. Always. You know, you're always going to be in the back of your mind. Is he still fucking with his baby mother? Are they only co-parenting? Is it, you know, you're going to think that way because of how the baby was made.

You're always going to have those questions. So I think that you need to leave reservation for your sanity as well before you just go and jump in a relationship with this guy. I'm not going to tell you not to. Just move. Move carefully. Move slowly but surely. You know, absolutely be sure of yourself. Don't move too fast. You see we're moving too fast. Got your ass, what, a year ago? Pregnant and aborted.

Okay. We ain't doing it. And stop having sex with no condom. Oh yeah. And you are not in a relationship. We need to stop doing that. I'm going to say we have done it as well. We need to stop doing that altogether. But you didn't ask for me to preach to you. You asked for the advice and that was my advice. So check back in with me. Definitely check back in with me. Hold up, hold up. I know this shit getting good, but listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen.

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Last one of the day.

and one of the only people I hang out with. More recently, I've decided to start hanging out with my female cousins who are all around the same age as me or a couple years older than I am because I want to hang out with more girls. Out of the seven girls I hang with, only one who was also my other best friend is in a relationship and has been in a relationship just as the same amount of time as me. Many of them don't understand why I don't go out to clubs or don't do parties because of my relationship.

If they go out to brunch or lunch or even dinner or even go to a lounge, I show up, but anything else I do not show up to. They are saying that I am in a controlling relationship because I don't do these things, which mind you, I have not been to a party or a club since I was about 19.

Because I've always been super serious about my education and pursuing my career. I don't think I am. Just prefer to respect my relationship and not go out twerking and hanging out with a whole bunch of niggas when I have a man at home. More recently, they have been inviting me to less and less things because I haven't been showing up to overnight things or just things that I just personally don't do.

Do you feel as though I am being a bad friend because of my busy schedules and me just not hanging out in certain spaces because it's not my type of energy or vibe? Do you think that I should just go out with them a couple of times just to get them off my back?

Honey, listen, no, I don't think that you should inconvenience yourself or make yourself uncomfortable at the expense of someone else, whether that be your man, whether that be your friends, whether if it don't make yourself uncomfortable for nobody but your child, because sometimes being a parent can get like that.

You know, it's not always fun being a parent. Your children don't always put you in easy situations and you're raising a whole human being. So just know going forward, that is the only time that you're supposed to or you're expected to make yourself uncomfortable, you know, for your damn child. Listen.

If there is nothing going on at home, if he's not controlling you, if he's not abusive, if he's not possessive and obsessive with his girlfriend, you know, if he don't have a leash around your damn neck, girl...

You are totally entitled to respect your man. I mean, he respects you, don't he? You don't have no issues with him. He ain't club hopping and twerking on bar stands and all that. Not that you said all that, but I'm just saying they are single women. So they're living according to their dating status. That's how they, you know, it's nothing wrong with that. Going out, popping your booty and taking shots. And you know, the nightlife is very different. You right now,

Or at a time in your life where you're trying to be successful, you're trying to grow your career. So it don't even have everything to do with your man. And I love how you pointed that out. No, it ain't even all my man. I'm very serious about my education. I've always taken my career serious. I've always been a serious person when it comes to education. So if your friends can't respect that, maybe you don't have the right friends. It has nothing to do with your relationship. It has everything to do with where you're trying to go in your life.

and very little to do with your boyfriend. I mean, I'm pretty sure if you were to ask him, oh, can I go out and hang out? Or babe, I'm going here. He wouldn't have an issue with it because you just said at the end of the passage, should I go and hang out with them just to get them off my back? I mean, if you can, then it obviously ain't your boyfriend. If you can go and hang out with them, it obviously ain't your boyfriend. He ain't the one controlling you. This is just something that you don't want to do. But how long you been friends with these girls? Because they're supposed to know this.

They're supposed to know this. And while I know you want to hang out with more girls and you want a social life, that doesn't have to be every day. That doesn't have to be even every weekend. Set your weekends. You know, there's a schedule. Make your schedule according to the fun you want to have, according to leisure, according to when you want to get out. Say, for instance, you know, you go to school Monday through Friday. Go out every first and third weekend with your girls. You know, then every second and fourth weekend, that's you and your man's weekend. You know what I'm saying? Like, let's just say that.

Let's be serious about it. You know what I'm saying? You have a path that you're on and you want to stay afloat. Them girls going to understand when they get somebody that they love and they want to be up under that person. And, you know, does you and your boyfriend live together or, you know, like they need to, first of all, not make it so much about your boyfriend. They need to actually respect your relationship and respect where you are in your life right now.

I don't want nothing but successful homegirls. That's what I'm manifesting. My homegirls have businesses. My homegirls have careers. That's a damn flex. When my friends doing the damn shit, I got successful friends, you know? Pretty V, B Simone, Quay. I have successful friends. DC Young Fly and, you know, Nick Cannon. I got, I really have a lot of successful friends. It's nothing like uplifting and help building your friends.

You know what I'm saying? We all have a group text. We have a group chat. Me, Pretty Vee, and B. Simone, and Quay. And we just love on each other. We constantly remind each other that we are great. We are all young Black creators. We are doing the fucking thing. Okay? I'm so proud of all of you. I love you. No, I don't see these three people every day. No, I don't. Because we're all busy. But if they were all busy like you, they would understand.

Not all of us are in relationships. Actually, I don't think any of us are in relationships. But either way, that don't go to say that we're lonely. I've been in relationships before, you know, and they have. But we're all single right now. And we still understand there's a grind that we need to be on. You know what I'm saying? So when I am going out to party and shit, I ain't got to worry about paying my bills or I know this is done. I got deadlines to meet. Girl, don't pay them girls no damn mind.

And I think that you should have a conversation with them and let them know. I really, I really think that you guys don't consider my whole life. You guys want to kind of put me in this box where, oh, my boyfriend is controlling me. Do y'all not know I go to school? Do y'all know that I'm trying to prepare to take my LSAT? Do you guys realize how serious that I've been about school?

Y'all my friends, so y'all should know this. And y'all don't say nothing to the other best friend. Do they? Do they make a big deal about her having a boyfriend? It's different. You're growing up. So I think you just need to have a conversation with those girls. And I don't think that you should ever make yourself uncomfortable. Make yourself do something that you don't want to do just to fit in or just to get somebody off your back. Look, if they on your back, shit. Brush your shoulders off.

I know that was kind of corny, but whatever. All right, just check back in with me, baby, after you have that conversation. Or if you just want to go out because that's something that you want to do because you do want a social life, that's fine. But like I said, put yourself on the schedule.

First weekend of the month. All right, y'all, we can do this. We can do sit and paint. We can do club. But there needs to be an understanding that these girls need to have about you. And they need to respect that there's a certain boundary that you don't cross. My friend is trying to do her damn thing. That need to be their standpoint. Let her go ahead. She'll catch up with us when she can. Shit like that. But you still young. You got plenty of time to fucking party, baby.

Plenty of time. But what you don't have, and I don't care what nobody say, is plenty, plenty, plenty of time to make your dreams come true. Start right now. You're doing a great fucking job. Do not quit to party. Okay? Okay. And just like that, we've come to the end of another Carefully Reckless episode with your girl, Just Hilarious. Make sure you tune into Reckless Discussions tonight. It will be dropping at 7 p.m. You don't want to miss this one. And in my deepest Pam voice, peace.

Carefully Reckless is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. I'm a good lawyer and I want to win. I'm a savage. I think I killed JT.

She needs someone who's going to fight for her. If we don't follow the right plan, we lose. The hit series Reasonable Doubt, now streaming on Hulu. She was defending herself against a monster. Starring Emma Yatze Coronaldi. I'm the best lawyer you have ever worked with. And Morris Chestnut. I'm not gonna stop. I think I love it, love it. Never underestimate the power of love.

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