Trauma Response
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And just like that, we're back with yet another Carefully Reckless episode with your girl Jess Hilarious. We're going to jump straight in. It's Jess Fix My Mess. Y'all already know people are submitting more and more voice memos and I am loving it because that means I don't have to read these long run on sentence as paragraphs that y'all be sending me. So here we go.

Hi, Jess. Long story short, I have a five-year-old with an abuser, and the abuse has come to a boiling point where I cannot take it anymore.

It doesn't stop. I file charges. Don't get me wrong. I fight. Not because I want to, because I have to. But now it's to the point where I have to constantly get into it with his family for disrespecting me. And the girlfriend, because she feels like she's entitled to my child. And I don't understand that, considering she don't have no kids, and I would never send my child with somebody who has a problem with me. I am sick of the abuse. My son is extremely traumatized. And I need space.

I was in that relationship for five years. I have been beaten to the point of having a concussion. I have a deviated septum. I've had patches of hair missing, you name it. I don't want to be that parent away from his father, but I have no idea what else to do.

It is paining me to have to do this. And I know he loves his dad, but it is draining me. And it is not fair that he gets to come around, beat up on me, and then go live his life peacefully while we suffer. I love the fact that you and Rome have a good relationship. I thought that maybe taking tips from you would help, but he's so severely messed up in the head and had too many mommy issues for me to deal with, to even co-parent with.

I need your help. Baby, you already know what you have to do. So you were in a five-year relationship with this man.

When did this fucking abuse start? Like, when did it start? Because if it's always been something that you kind of like let roll off your back, maybe he felt as if it was okay because they'll do what you allow. You know, men will do what you allow. Maybe you ignored red flags because...

There's no fucking way this man has beaten you to a point of having a concussion. And you said some other shit that was going on with you, patches of hair missing and all that other shit. And you stayed after this. Now, I know what you said. Don't get you wrong. You fight. But you shouldn't have to fight a motherfucking man. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you fight or not.

You should not have to fight your children's father. You shouldn't have to fight no man, but definitely not a man that gave you a child. Like, fuck no. How could he even feel like a man beating on a woman who was the mother of his child? And then, you know, you said you get into it with the family, you know, his girlfriend, he has a girlfriend, right?

who he's probably more than likely beaten the fuck out of as well, but she has a problem with you. And so your child is traumatized and all that shit. No, no, no, no, no. You don't want to be that parent who does not allow your son's father to see him. However, this is detrimental to your life.

Y'all argue, y'all fight. You have to fight his family. No, you have to find a way to explain to your baby why he has to take a break from daddy. You know, just until your son's dad gets his self together. Fuck the girlfriend. Fuck his family. It's about you and your safety. It's about staying away from him and explaining to him why.

He needs to understand why you need a fucking restraining order or a peace order or some type of order put in place. Now, I know the law is a big ass fucking joke when it comes to domestic violence and things of that nature, but you need to do what you can. This is not something that I would let roll off my back. And you actually need more help than just family.

fix my mess. Girl, you need the whole armor of God. Obviously this is dangerous. I feel for you. I will keep you in my prayers, but this is dangerous. God damn. Like ending your baby boy is so young to even have to go through this. Do y'all fight in front of him? Does he hit you in front of your child? You know, like this is, this is a lot. You told me he was traumatized. So maybe that is the answer to that question. Yes.

Y'all actually do this in front of him. That's not good. That's not healthy. That's showing your son that he can disrespect women if his father acts out in front of him. It's showing him that mommy is a punching bag. You know, it's showing him how to treat women, which is not a good thing. You understand me? So I understand you don't want to be that parent that takes the son, that takes the child away from his father. But right now you have to be that parent.

And you have to do it for the well-being of yourself, for your mental sanity, so you can raise your son the right way, so you can be in the right mind to even raise your child. Because if you ain't no good, you can't be no good for your baby. All right? Check back in with me with an update, girl.

That's really sad. I don't think people really understand the severity of an abusive relationship. I don't think people really, really take it serious until they can't get out. I think people ignore, ignore, ignore. They hope for the best. They pray that this man changes or they pray that the woman changes because, you know, women can be abusers as well. They continue to stay in these relationships, hoping that the person will change.

And more times often than not, they don't. And people wait too late to do something. I really hope that she gets help for her and her child because that shit ain't nothing to play with. Seriously.

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Moving on. This is like my fifth time trying to send this message. I just feel so ashamed. But I just, I feel like I have to just let it out. I won't get therapy, but.

I recently saw this TikTok trend where, you know, girls were saying, like, if a girl wants to be your friend and she doesn't have any friends, then that's a huge red flag. And when I first saw that TikTok, I was like, man, fuck y'all bitches. Like, what the fuck? There's mad bitches that have zero friends but are hella cool. It's me. I'm bitches. Zero friends, but hella cool, I guess. I don't fucking know. No.

Let me just start off by saying this. I didn't have a good life growing up, you know? I didn't have two parents who, you know, watched me and taught me things. I'm learning things on my own. I grew up with a single mom. My dad passed away when I was a kid, when I was a baby. So my mom, you know, had to pick up the pieces I have.

nine siblings and she had to figure out a way to keep a roof over her head you know what I mean had three jobs was living on section eight we didn't have any money and my mom was starting you know starting from the bottom when I was young and that resulted in me you know having a very traumatic childhood because you know when you leave siblings with other siblings and

And I don't blame my siblings for what happened to me as a baby, but, you know, it was somebody's fault because I was just a fucking baby. I had something very traumatic happen to me that I did not deserve. And it was because I was neglected. You know, my mom left me with my siblings, but they never watched me. So imagine a kid, six, seven years old, just roaming the streets. Nobody gives a fuck. I mean, sometimes my sister would come back home from partying with her friends and

She's a teenager. You know what I mean? What teenager wants to take care of a baby? She would see me just roaming the streets and be like, yo, go back in the house. And then she would change and then go back outside. And that's when I would just leave whenever my siblings would leave. And yeah, just a lot of traumatic things happened to me at that age. I don't really want to get into it, but whatever you think is the worst thing that can happen to a child is what happened. What happened to me?

So back to what I first said about friends. I found myself in my 20s not really having any friends. I like to take it back to when I was a kid, fifth grade. There was this girl, you know, she had a boyfriend, she had a lot of friends.

I was just really jealous of her. So what did I do? I just bullied her. Young me had friends. I've always had friends in school. I was never a loner kid, okay? But I was just a bully. This girl literally got a Valentine's Day gift one time and I fucking threw her shit in the fucking garbage, in the fucking toilet.

Told her, fight me in class, fight me. Because she was like, yo, why did you do that? Fifth grade graduation, spilled milk on her gown dress. Like, why? Everybody was laughing, like, what? That was so problematic. Middle school, this girl lets me borrow her laptop, and I bring it back, and on the bus, I find a video of her dancing in her underwear. I showed everybody in the bus. Humiliated her.

For what? Middle school. This girl, I was jealous of how beautiful she was. Bullied her. Constantly made fun of her in front of her face. Wouldn't let her join my friend group. For what? I don't even know.

high school my best friend her sex tape was leaked all she asked me was you'll find out can you please find out who did it i find out who did it i gave her the name she said who told you because she needs to know everything and i told her i'm not gonna tell you because the girl that told me told me not to tell her for what reason i don't even know another girl that i was really close with you know we grew up in the same neighborhood we were always close

I literally just stole her iPad just to piss her off. No, it was an iPod. Sorry. You know, like the music shuffle iPod. Stole it from her house. Told everybody. And I was like, bitch, you're not getting it back. Just bullied her. No reason. Just because I felt like it. It's just so many fucked up things.

slept with my best friend's boyfriend stole every nigga she ever been with talked shit about her on social media told all her business because i was mad at her for no reason over me fighting her when i was drunk that she was defending herself pissed me off so i went on social media i was still drunk

told all her business on social media. She still forgave me. One day we were at a house party. I didn't want to drive her to her house. I was drunk and I didn't want to get a DUI.

And I knew how to go to my house, but I didn't want to bring her with me. Just left her at a party. Anything could happen to her. Just left her. Didn't care. No empathy whatsoever. And there's so many other things, but I just, I can't think of it right now. But those are just a list of things throughout the years that I've done. For what reason exactly? I don't know. And now I'm in my late 20s. I don't have anybody. I don't have any friends. I don't have anybody to talk to. I don't have anything.

I have siblings that I'm close with, but it's not the same. There's things that you want to talk to your friends about that you can't talk to your siblings about. And I just want a connection. I just want real friendship, womanhood circle around me. But I feel like I'm getting the karma over all my younger years of screwing people over.

Is it really karma if you had a fucked up life too? You know what I mean? How am I supposed to know how to treat people if I was never taught anything? I was never shown anything. My sibling's idea of trying to raise me was beating the fuck out of me. I remember when I got suspended in fifth grade for bullying that girl. My sibling was like, I opened the door. I already felt bad for what I did. He was like,

I got a belt and I got a hanger. Which one am I going to beat the fuck out of you with? And then I got beat up. I skipped class one day in high school. He put his foot in my fucking chest. I couldn't breathe. I stole my mom's husband's credit card and bought a bunch of shit. Literally, my face was bleeding. My chest was red from how badly I was beaten. Just all around, just me getting beaten.

abused in my house and now I'm going out and I'm abusing people. I don't understand why I'm still suffering. Like, why am I suffering and why am I feeling the karma of what I did to women in the past and now I have no friends because of that? I don't understand how karma works.

Like, I don't get it. I don't get what I'm doing. I do want to change. I see it now, you know, after all these years. It took one TikTok for me to realize that I'm not good. I'm not a good person. But I always felt like a good person. I always felt like, damn, like, what the fuck? Why? Why did that person do that to me? Why did that person backstab me like that?

No one's ever done any of the shit that I've done to people. The worst thing that people have ever done to me is probably just talk behind my back. That's it. Spread rumors about me. Like, there's nothing that anybody has ever done that. And when I say anybody, I mean, like, in regards to friends. I mean, I've had a lot of very, very traumatic stuff happen to me because of my family, you know? But I'm talking about, like, friends at the moment, you know?

I've never really had a friend that was like horrible to me. I've never had any of that. I mean, I've had fake bitches around me. It was because I was fake. I've had fake friends because I was the fake friend. I've had backstabbing weird bitches because I was the backstabbing weird bitch. I was the company that I kept.

You know, so how do you change? Now that I've acknowledged that all of the shit that I've done and probably even done more, I can't remember right now. What do I do? You know what I mean? Do you think that I should just not have friends for a little bit longer? Should I write down and think of all the stuff that I've done? Like list by list of age by age.

Up until now, I'm still young. Of course, I have more life to live, but I don't want to keep living like this, you know? I don't want to keep attracting bad people. And I'm like, why am I always attracting bad friends? Why am I always attracting bad friends? And now I realize that I've always been the bad friend. They relate to me. They love the fact that I'm just like them. I envy my sister. She has had the same friends since she was a kid. When I tell you this girl, there are people from, like, when she was a child, still

Still asking about her, still praising her. I'm so jealous of that. Like, I don't know what she does. She's very private. She doesn't really tell me anything. I think she knows that I'm a fake ass person. So I don't blame her.

I don't know anything about that girl. I don't think anybody knows anything about her. And I admire her for that. And I love her for that. She's always been there for me. Even though I've never really had any real friends, I can say that my siblings in my adult years have been my bestest friends. And I don't think they know how much they mean to me at a time like this in my life where I've just had horrible shit happen to me.

you know, over and over again. And, you know, I can say that even though, like, none of my friends ever stuck, I think my sisters have definitely, like, have stuck with me, you know, and I love them, like, so much. But I feel so lonely now. And I feel so shitty. I feel so bad. And I wish I could apologize to those girls. I probably traumatized them because I was traumatized.

I definitely want to change. I want to change. I want to be better. I want to have an amazing circle of friends, you know, and I want to be happy. And I just want to move on. And I'm tired of crying all the time when I'm in my apartment by myself. And I realized, like, damn, bitch, you just finished a whole fucking bottle of wine. By yourself, night after night, thinking you're having a ball, but...

Deep down, you're just lonely. And the first person that talks to you, you end up spilling all of your fucking secrets because you genuinely want someone to talk to. That's me right now. But yeah, thank you for listening. And I know it'll get better. Damn, baby girl. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial. And then we'll be right back.

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State Farm Insurance also cares about the growth of black communities. They're actively investing in programs and initiatives that help provide financial literacy, give early career advice, and grow black-owned businesses, thus leading to generational wealth, which helps protect the future of our communities. We want to build a future that we all can be proud of.

State Farm understands that representation alone doesn't equate to authenticity. It also requires active sponsorship of programs like the AXO, a year-long program that recognizes and rewards high school students for their academic and cultural achievements, along with funding programs like Project Ready, a National Urban League program committed to educational achievement of black and brown youth that has awarded over $11 million in scholarship offers to date.

State Farm believes that being better neighbors creates better communities and can have a long-lasting impact. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. I'm a good lawyer, and I want to win. I'm a savage. I think I killed G.T.

She needs someone who's going to fight for her. If we don't follow the right plan, we lose. The hit series Reasonable Doubt, now streaming on Hulu. She was defending herself against a monster. Starring Emma Yatze-Corinaldi. I'm the best lawyer you have ever worked with. And Morris Chestnut. I'm not gonna stop. I think I love it, love it. Never underestimate the power of attorney. Always bet on tax. Reasonable Doubt, new episodes Thursdays, streaming only on Hulu.

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Listen, let me tell you, you sent me through a series of emotions with your story. I'm going to tell you, I went from being sad, sorry for you, disappointed, angry with you, content with you, proud of you, wanting to beat your ass to wanting to hug you, grab you and just hug you and tell you that it is okay.

I'm not going to sit here and say, it's okay. You should be forgiven for everything you did. No, you done fucked over some people, but you already know you did. I don't have to beat a dead horse. You already know what you did was wrong. And when it comes to karma, no, no, I don't believe that's what you're getting. I don't believe that this is your karma or any of that shit. What I do believe is hurt people hurt people.

Yes, you was traumatized from a kid up until you were a fucking adult. You got the shit beat out of you. Your mother didn't raise you. Your father died. You and your siblings had to fend for yourselves. So you basically raised yourself along with your siblings, wherever they could pitch in and help raise you as well.

Y'all raised each other. It's nine of you. I see things like this all the time. I grew up around families like this. I've seen it.

I'm going to tell you a story. I'm serious. Someone who was once a friend of mine, y'all may know this story. A couple years ago, this girl had put my personal information all over the internet. Not my sister. My sister had did it to me, but I had a friend. She put both of my phone numbers, my address, because I had made her angry. We were arguing back and forth and she did that. You know, I had to move out of my house. I had to change both of my numbers.

The same number that I've had since middle school that everyone knew, everybody in the industry, old friends, family, all that people, important people had to change that. She came from a big family. Her mother didn't raise her either. Her mother was somewhere chasing men and shit like that. You know what I mean?

She don't have her father. Her father's actually dying if he's not already dead. But he was never in her fucking life. Didn't even want to meet her while he was sick on his deathbed. Didn't even want to fucking apologize for anything that he did or anything that he didn't do as a father. Her and her siblings had to raise each other in a house.

She used to be walking up and down the street barefoot. Same shit that you are describing to me happened to this girl that was once my friend. Every friendship that she has created and she has been in, she has fucked up.

So when I look at you and I look at your story, you remind me of my old friend. We've recently reconnected. I will never, ever, ever trust her ever again.

In my presence, with my new address, with any of my numbers, but we kind of speak here and there on social media. She's pregnant now, but she described some of the same things that you described to me. She was a very lonely person. I don't know if she is now, but I have forgiven her for everything that she's done because there were some really good memories that we had in our friendship, you know, before all that shit went down.

But I realized she's hurt from her childhood. You are hurt from your childhood and you inflict pain on others because it was inflicted on you. Hurt people hurt people. I know that's a very cliche saying, but it's true. You are very fucking hurt and you're damaged. And I suggest that you get into like a peace group.

I don't know if you go to church. I don't know if you're a Christian or not or whatever, but there are all types of groups, different types of groups that you can get in to build your social status. Learning how to treat people. You said you don't know how to treat people. You can start by first writing down how you want to be treated. What do you want to feel? Do you want to feel how you felt growing up? No, fuck no. Do you want to feel good?

Like those girls that you ridiculed and you tortured and you bullied and shit. You want to feel like that? No, you don't want to feel like that. Do you want to do that shit? No, you don't want to do that shit. I think that that's a good outlet for you. You should get into one of those groups. There are other people just like you. You feel like you're lonely. There are other people who feel just like you.

You're not the only one that's dealing with that. You know, I think that's what you should do. You should seek social groups to be in. You know, I think you should continue to reach out to me after listening to you. I will be checking in on you. This is off air. You know what I mean? This is not only for carefully reckless. You cried. I can tell you're hurt. You still need to heal. You still need to get past what happened to you as a child.

Because if you don't, you'll let it hinder you for the rest of your life. You still got a lot of life to live. You answered a lot of your own questions. You know what you need to do going forward. I think that's the healthiest thing for you to do. That's a good start for you. You need...

therapy as well. You need counseling before you get in these groups. There are things that you need to get out. You had a lot bottled up. I could have given you your own episode with the things that you and I could sit and talk about back and forth. I want you to check in with me. Jesus, girl, you got me fucking emotional, girl. You need to check in with me more, way more. And I'll be checking in on you too.

And I want to let you know, I don't know you from a can of paint. You don't know me. But from one woman to another, one young lady to another, I love you. I do love you. I think you need to hear that. I think you need some type of affection. I think you need to reunite with your mother as well, you know, and tell her how you feel. You don't have your dad. You don't have a dad, you know, but you still do have a living parent. I think she gave up on being a mother. So...

You blame her for a lot of things, but I think that you need to talk to her. I think you need to seek counseling therapy, like a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I can't sit here and tell you that I know the accurate difference. Like I really don't know the exact difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but shit, we gonna figure this shit out together because I'm all about helping people, not just women, but

mainly women. And then I want you to seek those peace groups, you know, those social groups and shit. They're everywhere, everywhere. I know you don't want to hurt people for the rest of your fucking life. Who the fuck does? You couldn't have been getting no type of enjoyment out of fucking up other people's lives and fucking up all those bonds and fucking your homegirls and niggas and shit like that. Deep down inside, no, no, no, no, no. You thought that shit made you feel better. It didn't.

Temporarily it did, but no. You write back to square one. I want you to check in with me. I'm serious about that. And on that note, we're going to end this episode. This one has been a very emotional one for me. I'm not going to lie that that shit is going to be on my mind. But I want you guys to tune into Co-Parenting Therapy at 7 p.m. tonight. Me and Jerome are sitting down with our very first guest.

And you guys do not want to miss it. Make sure you tune in to Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday morning as early as 7 a.m., whether you're on your way to work, on your way to the gym, already at work or already at the gym, taking your babies to school, wherever you find your podcast. Make sure you tune in every week. And in my deepest pan voice, peace.

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