Lance Armstrong | Club Random with Bill Maher
01:27:50 Share

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply.

LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. When they told me that you were booked, I was like, that is so cool. We've got Lance Armstrong to come here. The first man on the moon. Exactly. I never really got a big rush out of winning the Tour de France. Oh, come on. What I got a rush out of was trying to win the Tour. You're looking, you're looking all hell. What? Hell. What's that mean?

What are you, from Texas? Hail means healthy. - Healthy, yeah, I feel healthy. - You look it. - Yeah. - You look, how old are you now? - 52. - Do you remember when you came to my show in Austin with Cheryl? You and Cheryl came to a standup show I did in Austin. - Yeah, where was that? Maybe at the Paramount or something maybe?

I don't know the theaters. I mean, I know them when I'm there, but, you know, something just like that. Is that a nice theater in downtown? Yeah, it's right down, right on Congress. Yeah. Yeah. What do you have to drink, Lance? I'm having a little vodka soda. I mean, I know you're just a body is my temple kind of guy. Yeah, right. What is that, water? What? What is that? That's just soda. Yeah. You don't drink? You know...

That's a sore point. I mean, I'd love to drink. I love liquor. Liquor, I never had a bad thing to say about liquor. But you know what? You just can't do it at 67. Right, it gets harder. You're 67 now? Yeah. Is that a wow, are you still alive? I think you're doing great for 67. Yeah, I do too. It only goes one way. The problem is that that trend of things getting...

Worse and lower to the ground. Yeah, yeah. Weaker. But what is the alternative? Nothing. It's not good. Yeah, so. It's not good. I mean, you're somebody who obviously faced death because of your ball. Right. Yeah, one bad one. All it takes is one, I hear. By the way, 27 years ago. Crazy to think. Talking about this whole year I've been...

just sort of thinking about time and the passage of time and just like, as you timestamp certain events in your life. Like I could-- Like I just timestamped one. I just said. -I was diagnosed 27 years ago. -Right. Right? I could timestamp, you know, the first tour de France, which was 24 years ago. I do it compulsively. Or, you know, the birth of a child or-- But it doesn't matter if it's, you know, five, ten, 20 years ago. We all have the same--

reaction I find, at least I do, and I think many others do as well, is that, wow, that feels like yesterday. Well, now, you know, if it's a year ago and you say it feels like yesterday, you feel like, cool, we're moving slow. But if it's 27 years ago and you can say, wow, that feels like yesterday, or 20 years ago, or this year, you know, the thing that really got me thinking about this was this year, last January, was the 10-year anniversary of

doing an interview with Oprah. And so many people-- and it was, you know, for whatever reason-- - I remember it. - Yeah, right. So do I. - It was one of those-- - So-- - Wow. - But it made news again because it was the 10-year anniversary. And so many people would say to me, "Wow, it's already been 10 years? That feels like yesterday." And I pretty much spent the whole year thinking about that, just like, "Fuck." Because they're right. It does, to me, at least. It feels like yesterday.

But the bigger-- Well, that was a big whooping you took. Yeah, it was. But the bigger thing is, does that mean that 10 years from now is going to feel like tomorrow? So I don't know. It's just a weird thing I obsessed over this year. And yes, it was a whooping. I remember this buddy of mine-- I won't say who-- he told me this story once. He got-- What are his initials? I'm just kidding. He got engaged to this girl.

like we were young comedians and you know you'd meet somebody on the road and you know we were lonely so you know it was love and and then he realized he couldn't go through with it and he said he had to break up with her in front of her family and to fly to whatever this city was and that's and do it that way which was the stand-up thing to do but with her and her family both there at the same in the living room

And I thought, that was kind of like your Oprah thing on the level of difficulty, degree of difficulty, you know, to endure. When I saw the documentary, I don't remember what year that was. It wasn't that long ago. The 30 for 30? Probably that. Yeah. Okay. Probably three or four years ago. Right. Okay. So I...

Oh, sounds like I'm name dropping. But I know that we're not the greatest buddies in the world, but we like each other. We're friendly. I think he's fantastic, Chris Evans. So I texted him. I said, Evans, if you are not playing Lance Armstrong in the next five years, you should fire your agent. Because this story, I really think is like, I think he would be great doing you. He's the right age, right?

can cover the early and the late, you know? And it was like a story, it was very sympathetic to you. I came away thinking,

wow, you know, this is a guy who kind of got sacrificed on the altar of America just wants a winner. It's like so important to, when they do surveys about America, it's always very important that we're number one. And then they ask them, what do you think we are in like, you know, child mortality? One, it's like we're 82, you know, we're behind like Slovenia and shit. Yeah.

But I felt like that's what this story is. Like they just pushed a guy and then punished him for it when everybody was doing it. It's just a great story. I don't know why somebody doesn't make this movie.

Well, they have made several documentaries. They have made a feature film. That's not this. But they've made a feature film that Ben Foster played me. Oh, they did? Yep. You can talk to Ben about it. He's good. Yeah, love him. I was obviously not involved in that portrayal. What movie is this? It was called The Program. And it's specifically your story? Absolutely. Okay.

but it's not like a romano clay of yes it is but so it's not actually they use a different name no they did not oh so it's actually yeah and what what would you say the theme of it was did they was it just because if they got the theme wrong then it's not going to work no they look look i i've i've led a really interesting and complicated life and there's there's a whole lot of this that's true and and

amidst all of the fallout and all of the stories and documentaries and articles and interviews that people were doing and just this mad rush to capture the story, you know, as is a lot of it is true, there's also a lot that's just not true, right? And so...

But it just depends which view you want to take of it. But it's, yeah, it was a messy. But even the part that I know is true, I'm not mad at you. You know what I mean? And I think America isn't either. You know, some people get canceled and they go away. And some people get canceled and they come back because people are like, yeah, you know what?

It's always fun to cancel someone at the time, but then you think about it, and you're like, oh, yeah. And they kind of come around to the theme, I'm saying, should be the theme of the movie.

It should not just-- Well, that's-- yeah, we can talk about that. Or somebody can talk about it. I'm just an idea man. You and I are not going to be-- And by the way, I-- Somebody will hear it, hopefully. I was-- Make that movie. It's funny enough, I was-- you probably know this, but I watched you for many, many years. And so anything you do, I sort of pay attention to.

I saw that you were doing this hour-long special with Jake Tapper on CNN. - Oh, yeah. - Probably nine months ago. - Right in this room. - Exactly. And I said, "Well, I'm-- I love Bill Maher." I said, "I'm gonna watch that." So my wife and I are sitting there watching it, and, well, you know, all of a sudden, the notion or the idea in and around cancel culture comes up, and I get a shout-out.

- Oh really? From him or me? - From you. - Oh good. - I appreciated that. - What was the context exactly?

Well, Derek was just asking about all of these things in society now, whether it's the definition of woke or... Yeah, but how'd your name come up? Well, he asked you about cancel culture, and you said, look, I think it's to the effect of I think it's gone too far. And you said, for example, look at Lance Armstrong. And I really like Lance Armstrong. That's what you said. I did.

I do. I appreciate it. But by the way, nobody tipped me off. I wouldn't invite you here if I didn't like you. Nobody tipped me off. I'm just sitting at home watching with my wife, struggling through these fucking long commercials that they have on CNN. And you drop that. And I look at my wife, and I was like. Yeah, it's nice when it happens positively. I've also had it happen to me. Of course. When I'm watching TV. It happened twice last year. Two shows where I was at scripted shows where

where there's this fucking insult. And so you're like in bed, like, oh, I'll watch this light, frothy comedy. This will put me to sleep. And you're watching, and then Bill Maher, like, what?

Yeah, that can happen. That's what I'm complaining about. Whether I like to admit it or not, because I've been at the crosshairs of 60 Minutes twice now, but nonetheless, I love the show. I like 60 Minutes. If I can't watch it, I'll DVR it, but this is to your point. And so not this Sunday, but the Sunday previously, one of the features was on.

doping and horse racing, right? - Yeah. - You followed all this stuff with all of that. And so I'm watching this. This is exactly what you just said. And I'm like, I have a feeling I'm gonna get brought into this. I'm not a fucking horse. I've never been to a horse race. And they're talking and they're going after these guys, the trainers of the horses, everything else. And then they get to this point

And they said, and they're even giving these horses the same drug that Lance Armstrong took. Next thing you know, the entire screen is me on a bike. And I'm like, what?

I got two legs. They got four. I don't know shit about horses. It's like when somebody in the Me Too thing would do some very minor thing, and then they'd put their picture right next to Harvey Weinstein. You know, like, Me Too, out of control. That's so funny, though. I mean, to you, it was terrible for me at the time. But yeah, no, you survived it, though.

I like to think so. No, you did. Yeah, I knew I was going to survive it. So who is the greatest horse ever in racing? Is there such a thing? In cycling? Racing, horse racing. Who's the greatest horse? I don't know, Secretariat or something. Secretariat. Yeah. Wouldn't it be amazing if he had one ball? Yeah, that would be amazing. I don't know.

You're fine now, right? I mean, even though they said that you had such a low chance of survival. Yeah. And it never, ever came back. No, not yet. And I had, you know, I always... Isn't that frightening, really, about the human body? It is frightening. I had my first... This is... Look, I never think about cancer. I never worry about cancer. I never worry about a secondary... I never do. And I don't know if that's good or bad, but it just doesn't cross my mind.

I do regular health checks just like everybody does. But I did get, this was the weirdest thing. I mean, not the weirdest, but this was the closest I've been. I've been like, oh, fuck. I got my first colonoscopy like three weeks ago. And I'm 52, so I'm already sort of past the time of when I think now they say, especially with my history, I probably should have started at 45. But everybody talks shit about, literally, about colonoscopies.

For a very good reason. And I was like, you know, outside of the prep, which is the worst part, I'm like, God, I was a little nervous about it. But it went fine. It went great. It was totally clear. Nervous about them finding something or nervous about liking a thing up your ass? Yeah.

As you know, that part you don't even know is going on. I mean, I got the, what do you call it? But here's the thing, like everything in medicine, there is not a uniformity in the idea that that is the best way to... I agree. There's a lot of data out there, or a lot of

uh research out there i mean look at if you just you mean you're talking about whether or not colonoscopies are effective or whether well they're effective but maybe there's a way that's less invasive right i mean once in a while i mean they say it's better because like if they see a polyp or something they clip it right there okay um but compare us to europeans right so americans and western europeans are largely similar

What is the percentage of Western Europeans that get colonoscopies at the age of 50? Very low. So there is another view and another approach to this. Nonetheless, I'm not Western European, and I fucking... And I went and did it. And they give you a little propofol? They put anything up your ass. Fucking put a bicycle up your ass, Lance. You could have drove Chris Case's truck up my ass. I wouldn't have known it. That's a...

Yeah, that's something I think I'm not going to do anymore, but I might. No, because some of these things, first of all, I do think we over-test in this country. Not that testing isn't a tool we should have, but I think that COLA— COLA Guard.

Something where you send your shit away in the mail. I was telling William Shatner, I said, once in a while they should put a diamond in there just so that people who have opened shit all day are like, oh, it could. It just could happen. Yeah, anything. So if that's like 98% as effective, I'm always looking for the thing that's not invasive and not like body parts.

They're kind of like only good in the original packaging. I mean, they do transplants. And it's an issue, obviously, with trans. Some of these things are irreversible, and they're very severe. And the issue I keep raising that no one else seems to be interested in is that they, of course, have very, very serious health repercussions, as any surgery does, even minor surgery.

You know, you're only made of flesh and blood, and little tears cause bigger problems, and you know what I mean? It's all holistic. The downstream stuff. I'm sure you're, as I know you're crazy knowledgeable about health. Well, I don't want to oversell it. No, but don't you agree with that? I'm not a doctor. The body does work holistically, like anything, anywhere affects everything, everywhere.

uh i would yes but that's not how western medicine approaches us they approach us specialists i deal with the kidneys as if they're not connected to everything else inside the body yeah i'm guessing you have some doctor on your staff who thinks that way yeah well i have a doctor i don't i don't have a doctor on staff

I fucking built one. You only have one doctor? You know, it's-- yeah, I have one. And we just moved back to Austin. So when you move full time somewhere and put your family at a different place, you got to kind of start over, right? You get a new doctor. You get a new dentist. You get a new-- I don't know, guy that washes your car. You get all kinds of new shit. But yeah, I got a new doctor.

That's who made me get the colonoscopy. Oh, I would think you would have a team of... No. Because you're an elite world-class athlete. Yeah, I was. I know, but okay. But they can never take that away from you, by the way. Yeah, of course. But you don't need the kind of following. I'm like a recreational athlete now, Bill. No, I'm just talking about your health profile. Like, most people don't get to...

I mean, especially that sport you chose, which has got to be the worst one ever. It's a hard one. It's just, I mean, I remember riding my bike up a hill when I was a kid, and it was just obnoxious. And I was a kid, you know. Here's the good news, is they now have e-bikes. I think you're like...

Perfect for an e-bike. E-bike? Yeah, like an electric bike. Pedal assist. So you pedal, and it's just giving you a little help. You'd love it. I drove here. I saw all these hills around here. I have one of those. Somebody gave me one. It's not a convenient place to ride a bike around here. You know, it's residential, and there's cars. People on their phone. Yeah, it's just not worth the-- it didn't bring me any pleasure. It didn't spark joy.

uh as she says like of all it's like picking of all the medical fields being a proctologist you know why would you you could be looking at any parts of the body but no i'm going to take that why are you biking because you can pick other i mean others you certainly must have been good at

football baseball i sucked oh absolutely terrible like i said you probably were terrible at the other sports they all involve balls are you seeing the theme here right the ball of anything ball related i struggled honest to god i struggled oh oh i struggled you remember this is funny i was and i just watched the blackberry documentary the other day and it was just hit really close to home because i loved of course everybody carries an iphone now but

I loved the Blackberry. Did you have a Blackberry? I did, yes. Okay. And they're back. Just follow me here. So I watched this documentary. It was hard to watch. But I loved my Blackberry. But at a moment in time, they went from having that wheel on the side to that little ball in the middle where you could sort of navigate. I remember that ball. And I hated the ball. And so Jim Balzilli, one of the founders there,

I sent him a note and I said, you know, I've always been better with wheels than balls. And so, sort of pleading him to bring back that little wheel on the side, which of course he didn't do. But no, I wasn't traditional American sports, right? The big five, as they are known as. I sucked. I don't have great...

Speed I don't have great coordination in terms of side to side and I don't have actually great hand-eye coordination And so I didn't even as a kid a young kid in Texas I didn't play I played those sports at a very young age and just wasn't good and I said told my mom I said this this isn't that fun and so right I mean, I think the thing that you're better at is the mental part the middle and the endurance part and

Which comes from the mental part. I mean, everybody hurts, and you just can stand it a little while longer, right? And actually enjoy it. You get into the pain? Listen, I go out by myself mostly now, so I can... Oh, you still ride your bike? All the time. I have my bike here in Los Angeles. I'm riding it tomorrow morning.

how far do you go oh god these guys were asking me earlier i said it's not about the distance right everybody says well and maybe people do care about distance i personally care we're in los angeles you all you have to do is start heading up any of these canyons and you're getting vertical feet you're climbing so all i really care about is what i call

are referred to as total vert for the day. So if I can go out and ride 3,000, climb 3,000 feet, you might only ride 15 miles. Who gives a shit? It's better than going and riding 40 miles in Florida on a flat road. It is.

following me I I mean it's just so all of a sudden you just kind of glaze over I'm just what is he talking about myself as somebody who stays in shape I mean it's very important to me for 67. yeah for absolutely but that's it I mean you're not gonna like do everything you did but I still can play basketball games and you know yeah work out in the gym and um but

it's just it's just there is just a quantum difference with elite level athletes and what they put into it and what they can get out of it yeah you know yeah um well keep in mind i mean i'm i'm i mean i'm long past at 52 i don't oh long that's not that's not the issue yeah no no one's saying it's very good trying to get you to make a comeback here no thank god that was the the first time i did that we saw how that worked out right

But everything's different. I mean, I joked that I'm a recreational athlete. I mean, I really am. I go out for fun. I go out for my sanity. I call it therapy. You know, the thing that comedians have over musicians and athletes is probably the greatest thrills they'll ever have happen when they're young. And not necessarily just...

- Athletes have that. - Athletes and musicians usually. And comedians, no, it's not always that way. You have a good time at 67, better than ever. - That was another one of my-- - But that high that you get, I mean that, I don't know if I ever knew a high that high, where you're like, you win the Super Bowl, you win the Tour de France. I mean, that's got to be-- - And it's funny, I think about that a lot, and I speak to it a lot. - It's a drug.

I didn't, I was, I never really got a big rush out of winning the Tour de France. Really? Oh, come on. No. Come on. Hear me out. Hear me out.

What I got a rush out of was trying to win the Tour de France. So the process of the daily grind. And again, I don't like being around a million people on a mountainside in France. As much as I love France, as much as I love riding those mountains, I don't like people being on my mountain. So if I'm there all alone running this process, preparing to do a job that I'm paid and expected to do,

I love that. But when I get there and all these people are there and it's just absolute pandemonium and the race finally finishes in Paris, I'm like, "All right, well, let's get out of here because we'll celebrate with a small group of friends and then get ready to start running the process." I loved that part.

I find it hard to believe. I'm not going to lie to you. I find it, I'm trying so hard to believe that there isn't like just beyond immense satisfaction in winning. Winning is good, especially when, you know what's great about it? Because the other people in the race, they're all trying to win, but you did it better than them in this whole winning thing. So you won. I don't know. Maybe that's too Western of me. Winning was...

Yeah. It would have-- if you compare and contrast winning versus losing, you know, not that I felt what it was like to lose, but it would have been exponentially worse.

Right. Winning is everything. Losing is nothing when you're in a sporting event, not in life. You know, life is an ebb and flow, I think, of winning and losing. And sometimes the losing is good for you or you need it or it teaches you something that saves you much greater pain in the future.

right yeah yeah ideally ideally but not in the big game you just want to win it yeah and uh it's almost harder to come close i would imagine right which never you know those and not win the those years didn't happen i guess it wasn't but there was one year it was close but were there were years when you were you didn't win but you were close to winning

There, no, there was, well, yeah, of course. I mean, when I, because I did come back in, oh, 2009, 2010. So 2009, I got third. But there were years as I was in this run of seven that I was close to losing. So 2003, I barely won all the other years. What did you feel when you came in third?

it was terrible it was terrible it was like it was like worse than if if you were just not even in the pack oh i should have just yeah yeah that would have been easier to take yeah no no no part of it was yeah it's got to be tough to be like to be like the third best person in the whole world at something and it's still like huh yeah yeah that sucked that's yeah

Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media. Can you believe that the year is almost over? What are you going to do to make your business crush it in the new year?

Now it's time to give your business the edge by embracing new mediums to drive up sales and acquire customers by partnering with shows like mine. You can enjoy lower CPMs, elevating your brand in a space away from your competition. Generate up to nine times more leads by combining the power of audio and video channels with text messaging and generate an ROI as high as five, six or seven to one.

The best way to achieve these goals is through the team at Radioactive Media. They create national campaigns on podcasts, terrestrial, satellite and streaming radio. Radioactive Media has been an awesome partner to Club Random since the beginning.

Radioactive believes so much in the power of audio marketing, they put their money where their mouths are by advertising on this show, right here, right now. Radioactive Media has an exclusive deal to promote your product or service on Club Random with me and save up to 50%. To find out all the details along with a few Club Random goodies thrown in, contact Radioactive Media.

Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text the word RANDOM to 511511. Discover how audio marketing can surpass your current strategies with new and innovative ways that sound better. Go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text RANDOM to 511511. Text RANDOM to 511511 today to save up to 50% in 2024. Terms, conditions, message, and data rates may apply.

PrizePix is the largest daily fantasy sports platform in North America that's the easiest and most exciting way to play. It's just you against the numbers. Instead of battling thousands of other players, including pros and sharks, you pick more than or less than on two to six player stat projections and watch the winnings roll in.

With the basketball season here, you can now pick combo projections across football and basketball from the Specials League, a league created specifically for combo projections that includes two or more players from different sports or leagues. For example, LeBron James and Travis Kelsey at a 10-point fine combo of threes made plus receptions. And

And if you want to play alongside some of PrizePix's favorite players, like rapper Meek Mill and comedian Andrew Schultz, you can now find community plays under the promos tab of the app to view entries from some of the biggest names in the PrizePix community each week. PrizePix even offers a reboot policy so that your entries stay in play even if one of your players gets injured.

Prize Picks is the only daily fantasy sports platform with an injury insurance policy. I love Prize Picks so much, I'm going to use my winnings from Prize Picks to buy new chairs for Club Random. Go to prizepicks.com slash random and use code random for a first deposit match up to $100. Prize Picks, daily fantasy sports made easy.

Hardy Fiber Cement Siding handles conditions that can cause damage to vinyl. From fire to hail, Hardy Siding stands tall through it all, helping trade professionals look their best when they recommend Hardy Siding and Trinket. See the proof at jameshardy.com. You know, they must give you some sort of a trinket when you win. Yeah. And where do you have them? In your house? Yeah.

- You have them-- - No, there have been times that they were, it just depends which house. - They don't take back the statue, do they? - So what you get for winning the Tour de France is you obviously get the final yellow jersey, which you stand on the podium with, and you get a really cool trophy that's a Limoges trophy. It's beautiful, it's been the same trophy forever, and they make a new one every year.

So, no, I have all seven of those jerseys and all seven of those trophies. Nobody came... I mean, they could, but they can't take away the reality that you actually won the race. That they can't take away. They can't take away time. But this is, Bill, this is where I struggle. And look, we all know, everybody knows the story, right? But the reality is the Tour de France...

is it's like the World Series, the Super Bowl, the Olympic Games. What do all of these events always have? They always have a winner. They always have a winner. And if somebody got disqualified or whatever, well, then they promote somebody else because events like Wimbledon, you name it, they have to have a winner.

And so to take an event, and I really am advocating for the beauty of the race, to have an event like the Tour de France, which is one of the most iconic sporting events in the world, and just say, we don't have a winner, number one. Number two, nobody stood up and said, I deserve to be the winner because I didn't do shit. Then those...

in my mind, those don't align, right? If it was your local Tiddlywinks competition and you want to put a line through somebody's name on Wikipedia, that's fine. I mean, nobody cares about that. But it isn't. It's the Tour de France. Right. And for no one to... So, you know, to your question or to your point, yeah, none of my rivals came and said, hey...

Give me the trophy. Well, here's the thing for me about sports. So they're still there. Yes, is that, you know, Pete Rose, okay, we'll never let him in the Hall of Fame, I guess, but they can't take away the hits. He actually got more hits than anybody else, and everybody knows it. So to me, that one, I know he wants that, but to me it's superfluous because, again, the numbers. I did a thing last year on my show about nipple babies, and the point was...

that there's one thing I trust in a world where I trust almost no other institutions anymore, and that's sports. And the thing with the Nepo babies is there are children of sports figures who play, you know,

happens all the time. Right. But not because they're the kid. Because they're good. If they weren't good, you know, I think I used the example, but there's many Doc Rivers kid plays in the NBA, but not because he's Doc's kid. Right. And LeBron James has a kid who he wants to play, and it's just a great feel-good story. Now, he might play because he's LeBron's kid. Okay. No.

You're never. You're absolutely right. Even LeBron James wouldn't allow it. Yeah, good point. They that's the thing about sports. I don't trust lots of things. The government, juries and everything else. And NEPO babies. Yes, they even took over modeling. But sports, I know those are the best people they can possibly find. OK. And when you win, you win. You like sports?

What was your first hint? What's your favorite sport to watch? Well, I watch the big three mostly, basketball, baseball, football. But I don't even watch baseball during the season. I don't either. I was involved with the Mets for 10 years as a minority owner, so that was exciting. That's cool.

I grew up in the New York area, so New Jersey, so I root for the Yankees. Not the Yankees. I mean, I did as a kid, but they turned me off. Mets, only in baseball. But Jets and Giants, I don't have a problem with both of them. Knicks, you know, still Knicks. Nets, yes, but Knicks. But tennis, yes, I'll watch the Wimbledon final. I mean, that's a great show.

i totally agree yeah that's another sport that you don't watch until the slams like are you watching the right tournament indian wells right and meanwhile but meanwhile there's i know 20 000 people there in the stands like physically watching but i i love watching grand slam finals but jesus i couldn't tell you who won the italian open my life depending on right

No, I mean, soccer is obviously the world's biggest sport, right? But can't watch it. I can't watch anything. I can't watch it. Or hockey. Hockey was not in my house as a kid. It's not American. It should not be a sport. I also think golf is not really a sport. Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out. Time out. What? I love golf.

Golf is more of an insult to lawns than it is a sport. Any sport where you can drive to your next opportunity, I don't think is a sport. Chris and Ross are, guys, I got to cancel that tea time tomorrow. So it's an insult to lawns. No, no. The lawns in Bel Air have been insulted. We can't play tomorrow. Let's just go, what should we do? Fucking go shoot hoops? I mean, no, we're going to go play golf. I know. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

I played a little when I was a young teenager. My father and I, I guess he thought that that was our good bonding thing. And I remember, so cute, he took his old clubs and sawed off to make a child's, you know, we weren't the Rockefellers. And we would go out and bang it around. And yeah, I just, I don't know. There's something about it that I just never...

too much walking and Not enough action and most courses actually you don't even have to walk they have you should just drive around No, I'm saying driving is I just that to me is not sport sport like Drop I I thought that way for many years. Oh, I know I fell in love with you I did I did but I only fell in love ten years ago I fell in love with the game of golf when my world changed and I

And I didn't really like it. And golf was therapeutic? Very, very therapeutic. Yeah, because it takes a lot of time. I knew I was going to have time, and I'm like, Jesus. Have you tried drugs? I'm not saying it's better or worse than golf. I'm just saying it's certainly easier. Yeah. Now, did you hear Snoop quit?

I read that headline. He took it back now. I heard there was a little walk back. Oh, it was a promotion. He's promoting a fireless smoke pit. That's brilliant. I mean, a smokeless fire pit. That's brilliant. It kind of is, yes. I mean... Yeah, you're right, it is.

A little skeezy, but kind of brilliant. Well, it's like when it's him, you just go, ah, you broke this, and it's like adorable. I could see somebody else doing it and people thinking they didn't like it. Maybe I should try something like that. Yeah.

Now, you and I are two, we're not cuddly like that. We're straightforward. So some people are always going to fall away, whereas other people like Snoop, they're just bigger than life. And getting bigger. It's a...

-Shocking. -What is? Snoop just keep, you know, you will watch Monday Night Football or whenever it is, you know, he's there, the stapleton, it's like, this guy just gets-- It's just-- It's a fucking corona commercial with, you know, sitting-- It's just-- Good for him.

Yeah. Good for him. I guess this has happened gradually, so I didn't realize it was this tsunami of Snoop mania. But it's interesting when you do watch show figures, the way some can transition as we all go through life's passages. Some can transition and some cannot.

You know, for some people it's like you hit 40, it's like when talkies come in. You know what I think you should? I think you should moderate a presidential debate. I think that's a great idea, but the chances of that happening are zero. Zero. Absolutely. Some number less than zero. Are you kidding? I am literally the last, and I wear this as a badge of honor, I am literally the last person

that they would trust to do that. -Right. -As you can see-- I saw that clip with Cruz the other day. -I was-- -Ted Cruz? Yeah. Fellow Texan. Yes. The evil Ted Cruz.

How horrible that I even talk to them. This is what I get from some. Yeah, but I don't think that's the right view. It's not. Of course it's not. I tell them to go fuck themselves. Yeah, you should tell them to go fuck themselves. Their idea is if I have somebody like Ted Cruz on, what I should do is immediately punch them in the nose when they walk out. And God forbid you share a laugh over something. Right. But that's not going to get anybody anywhere. I enjoyed it. And then I saw some of the stuff, but.

Look, I wouldn't probably vote for Ted Cruz, but Ted Cruz is no idiot. I mean, he's a smart guy. Well, and that could be. And you can totally disagree. No, he's Harvard and Yale. He's very smart, which makes him, if he's evil, all the more evil. And I've seen him be evil.

Not evil, but just not the direction I want the country to go. And nakedly just taking a position for political gain. I mean, you know, he voted against the idea that it was a free and fair election in 2020. Right. You know, and I busted him on it for five minutes. I was yelling at him. That's still not enough for the people. How could you schmooze it up with Ted Cruz? I didn't schmooze it up. Yeah.

I did, and then I yelled at him. I told him, this is what I agree with you on, and this is what I don't. Isn't that what you would do with any human being if you were trying to just get along with them? I mean, if you had a neighbor who you only half agreed with, what would you try to do? Destroy them? Own them? No, you would just try to have a peaceable thing where we're not fighting. Be a neighbor. And working with each other on certain things that we can agree are the common good.

Like building that fence to keep the Mexicans out. No, but that's what... Well, yeah, Texas, that's your issue down there is immigration. I mean... Yeah, although we just moved back. So it's been interesting to move back to Austin because we were in Colorado for five years and obviously born and raised in Texas and moved to Austin in 1989. Austin was just a...

and it was the state capital, and that was it. - Wow. - And then all of a sudden, you know, a super nerd at the University of Texas dropped out, but he was building computers in his dorm room, and, you know, that became Dell Computers. And so-- But those five years that we were gone, I didn't really follow Texas politics and the dynamics in Texas. And having moved back, it's, you know, you sort of have to, but...

Yeah, it's an interesting state. Austin and Nashville. Yeah. Those are the two cities that have attracted a not gigantic but considerable diaspora of liberal people from places like here. Right. I know some personally who just got fed up with – and I understand why –

You know, I once tried to cut a tree down in my backyard, and I couldn't do it. And I had 100 just like them. I mean, California is the regulation state. Try to just build a shed here, and you're in bureaucracy for years. Taxes are insane. Homeless. I could go on.

we're not leaving because we love the sunshine and we're dug in here look at the day i mean but some people do and they this is where they go they go to austin because it's not like you're in some hick place it was always cool right and now it's cool and of course the bigger it gets that always threatens cool right yeah i have the t-shirt that says keep austin weird weird but at the end of the day i mean look we you and i both lived in los angeles today like

This is a country club. It's pretty fucking nice country club. I mean, how great was today? Like in my wife, like she, like I, it was, it was, it was actually getting annoying after a while. You know, like every hour was like, you know, I could live here. And I said, you know, it starts out with, I agree. I could do next hour. You know, God, I think I could live here. I'm like, all right, hang on. What the,

But she's right. I mean, I've said this before, but... You talked about taxes. What do country clubs have? They have dues, right? If you're a member of some shithole country club, well, guess what? The dues are really low, Bill. Such a great way to put it, because that's exactly what it is. It's so tough shit. You're a member of a really nice country club. So your dues are a little higher, pal. Right. It's so true. Meanwhile, Texas, we have no dues.

-Right. - But, you know-- -You got what you pay for. -What I love about Austin, and just the growth and influx of people and wealth and all this stuff into Austin, you know, folks would come to Austin for South by Southwest, 75-- it's like today in LA, right? 75, sunny, no humidity. They're like,

this is one of the coolest fucking places ever. Or they come for ACL Fest in October, same temps. They're like, "This is amazing." Right. But the summer. They're like, "We're moving." And I go, "Guys, call me in--" Don't even call me in August, 'cause I know you're gonna be miserable in August, but call me in, like, when you're trick-or-treating with your kids.

and you're fucking sweating your face off. - Really? - Right. That late? It wasn't this year. It was actually nice this year, but I have been on trick-or-treats with my kids where I'm like, "Okay." And why do we attribute this to global warming, you think? I mean, I've lived there long enough. I don't-- You know, I'm not a, you know, climate specialist, but it's hot. It's hot.

Look, Austin has... There's the ad. I'm not a climate specialist. Well, I'm not. It's hot, folks. But I'm also not a climate denier. I mean, yes, but I'm not sure. But Austin has 100 days over 100. Like, come on, that's a lot. Yeah, and we never used to have that. And of course, I mean...

there's weather and there's climate weather fluctuates of course there are some years that are hot for years the republicans cynically people like ted cruz did this used the year 1998 as a arbitrary starting point and then they would whatever year they were talking in 2015 or whatever say from 1998 to 2015 yes because 1998 was an abnormally hot year right

but in the graph it really sticks out because over a century there's going to be a couple of those things but the line that's climate that goes in one direction and it's going in the wrong direction i agree yeah i do agree with that yeah but i also agree yeah yeah no we can argue and people do or they should about like what's the best way to tackle this you know nuclear you know for example totally

you're totally for it yes um yeah i am too and i and i've struck having said that i'm not a climate specialist but right everything look every other go back and compare us with western europeans and nuclear energy is is we don't need to have a be a specialist to have that opinion yeah i'm from building a new highway i'm not a dump truck right but but but this this is this is an issue of branding if it was called something else

Right. Nuclear energy, if you called it, I don't know, the bill energy or whatever, it'd be a different brand. Right. It's the brand. That's a good point. Yeah. People it's the same word that we use for nuclear bombs and in other nuclear accidents. Well, it's like it just rebrand. We've rebranded everything, Bill. That's yes. I couldn't agree more. By the way, they they they rebranded oil and gas.

It's now the energy sector. - Right. You're right. - They rebranded gambling. - Gaming. - Gaming. - Gaming, yes. - They rebranded liquor. It's now... - Spirits. - Spirits. They rebranded marijuana, cannabis. We can rebrand anything.

Ooh, got him thinking. How did I stump you on the one fucking thing that all I've seen you consume? How did... You were like, hmm, what is the new brand? Right. No, you're right. Medical or medical marijuana. You know, I mean, that's obviously a sham. I mean, I... Let's just rebrand it.

Yeah, you're right. Nuclear is a scary kind of word. But look, Lance, it's also actually scary. The main reason that this is a problem isn't the branding thing, although you're right, that's in there. The main reason is that when it does go bad, as in Fukushima, as in Chernobyl, as in Three Mile Island, it can go very bad. Right.

In that way, it's a lot like the COVID lab where they were studying gain of function, where COVID certainly possibly came out of. At least we're on that page now. It certainly could have, and I think likely was from the lab. Is it worth it is the question you would ask about that. I would say no. Let's not study it because if it does get out, we create this superbug

Then we've created the thing we were trying to stop. And with nuclear, I would say, well, it's similar. Like if it does go bad, yes, you can have a really existential problem. Can we just do it in a way where, no, you just can't fuck up.

Displate is a one-of-a-kind metal poster designed to capture your unique passions. Displate created a 21st century canvas that's sturdy, magnet-mounted, and durable enough to withstand a lifetime of intense staring.

But staring is only half the fun. You can customize, collect, and rearrange them at will. Displate has both branded and artistic artwork. They have over 1 million designs available for everyone, including official designs from brands like Star Wars, Marvel, DC Comics, Warner Brothers, and plenty of games and movies like The Amazing Spider-Man.

Each product is a high quality design printed on metal and hand signed by their master of production. Displate created a unique, easy, safe magnet mounting system that only takes 20 seconds. No need to drill your walls. All you need to do is wipe your wall with a cleaning wipe.

Stick a protective leaf, place a magnet and put the Displate on your wall. It's that easy. Displate delivers its products worldwide in only four to five business days. It's a perfect alternative for standard paper posters that often get damaged.

They're also eco-friendly. For every design sold, they're planting one tree. Use the link in the description below. The discount will be applied automatically at the checkout or use code RANDOM at the checkout to get 22% off for one to two displates or 33% off for three or more displates. Why am I telling you about Dr. Squat soap? It's very simple because the soaps you're showering with are shit.

The usual soaps really are full of chemicals and things that ruin your skin. If you use Dr. Squatch, say goodbye to that soapy smell which makes people think that underneath it you really stink. Dr. Squatch is special because it is made with high-performance natural products, have no harmful ingredients, and have you looking and smelling your best. This is the perfect holiday gift, stocking stuffer, or treat-yourself purchase.

Right now, buy three soaps and get three soaps for free. That's $28 in savings, making each bar for four bucks. Offer valid for new customers only and free shipping is included. Right now, Dr. Squatch is offering my listeners a huge savings.

All new customers will get three free bar soaps plus free shipping with any purchase of three bars. Just go to drsquatch.com slash random to receive this buy get three, get three offer. That's drsquatch, D-R-S-Q-U-A-T-C-H dot com slash random to buy three soaps and get three free. It's time to get all the daily routine essentials you'll need to start feeling good and smelling like a man today.

You know, when you fly over the country, what you mostly see is nothing. Nothing. I mean, I don't mean that insultingly to the people who live in nothing land. Of course, there are things down there. But it is amazing how much of the country is-- I guess there are farms, a lot of it, or-- you know, just-- yeah. Flyover states. Right. And that's not fair, because we love many of the places in those flyover states that we fly to. By the way, I mean--

You were asking about me riding a bike the other day. I mean, those would be the perfect places to ride a bike through. Just nothing. No cars. What is a cyclist, or when I'm out riding, what is the one thing you don't want to see is a car? Right. Like, wow, I'm just out here by myself. This is amazing. I get this shit to myself? That's amazing. Yeah.

Meanwhile, a lot of them are really flat and hot and windy. Is this why you're moving back to Austin for this kind of peace of mind? I got sick of the-- my wife is from Colorado, so she'll kill me for-- she knows this, but she'll kill me for reminding her. But the seven months of snow and snow on the ground just got too much, so--

It's been good to be back. I actually don't ride that much in Austin just because of the growth. But, you know, I grew up swimming, so I swam with the team that I trained with before I left. Well, I tell you, Austin has the potential to be a really important city in history. I know that sounds like exaggerating, but it has...

If we're ever going to bring this country together, it'll probably be in a place like Austin because it's a very blue place surrounded by red. I think it's that blue. I don't know. Austin? I think that, and this is just my impression, but I think it's changed. I think, if anything, it's purple. Right. That's what I'm getting at. Okay. But when I moved there in 1989, I mean, this thing was as bright blue as you can be.

And I watched it change over the years and I watched wealth move there and I want you just notice like, look, what the fuck do I know? Like, I don't go around and ask like my friends, like I know what my friends are into, but as a parent and you got to go to, you know, the school carnival and all this shit or the, you know, the birthday parties or I mean, you start to notice over time, you're like, huh?

I'm not so sure you're voting for Bill Clinton or Barack Obama. And as the years went on-- and so I do think it's-- there's a mix there, which maybe that's good to your point. Yes, because there was nothing wrong with voting for Mitt Romney. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I just got an ESPN notification. What could possibly be going on? On ESPN? Yeah. Lance Armstrong just admitted again.

By the way, nothing wrong with Mitt Romney. Oh, I was going to say, right. Give me Mitt Romney all fucking day long. Exactly. Outside of the, you know, I'm not sure how I square up with the religion thing. But even then, I'm fine. Like, just give me a self-made real guy who seemingly just gives a fuck about doing the best thing. What's wrong with that? Right.

No, and I didn't vote for any of them. But I always looked at it like I always would give the Republican a chance. I just literally thought Clinton was better than Bush and Dole. I literally thought Obama was better than, you know, just down the line. But John McCain wasn't a bad guy. Either was Mitt Romney, even George W. Bush. I look back and like, yeah, nobody was harder on that guy. And he was kind of a doofus. But he, you know, he...

There's a few things that maybe understand, okay, it could have been a lot worse. And then it got a lot worse. It got a lot, lot worse. I mean, history is going to look... I just want to go back to that time. Yeah. When it was like, oh, Obama against John McCain. I know who I'm voting for, but it's like, I'm not going to blow my brains out if the other guy wins. And he's not going to run the world weirdly. Yeah.

And in fact, most people wouldn't know who the fuck was president at any given time. Or, look, by the way, he's still alive, right? Who? W. Yes. So ask him. As much as he ever was, he's alive, yes. Well, ask him. Listen, what does he think? He'll tell you this is insanity. He can't believe it. But you're friends with him, right? You know, I haven't talked to W in a long time, but I...

I would consider myself a friend. I really-- And there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. And I disagreed with almost all of the politics. But you know what, Bill? At the end of the day--

No, here's the thing. He wasn't doing it for George Bush. Here's the punchline. He was just trying to, he thought, this is what he thought in his Texas fucked up mind. At the end of the day, I really, really like the guy. Yes. You can't be around, the guy is so fucking likable. He's like a grown frat boy. I fucking love the guy. Okay, that's not what we want as president. No, but that's what we got. Okay, but that's not making me. I didn't realize. Try to make up with him and you just ruin it again. Yeah.

He's not really a frat boy, is he? Listen, let me give you a great story. This is a great story. So W really got into cycling, and specifically mountain biking. So he had this ranch outside of Waco, and he invited me up after the Tour de France in 2005 to go mountain biking with him on his ranch. So it's the fucking president. Yeah.

And I said, "Absolutely, Mr. President." So drive up there, go riding with him. And it's in August. It's right after the tour. It is a hundred-- It's hotter than doughnut grease. And we go out on this-- We go out on this mountain bike ride and we get done and he's got this little-- His house is, you know, it's kind of nice, a pool in the middle. He says, "Hey, you want to go for a swim?" And I said,

sure mr president so okay i get my on and the next thing you know he comes out his swim trunks on and is this a gay story no it's not oh but i i i'm already in the pool in heat and i'm not kidding you this is the president united states of america the dives in the pool and comes up right in front of me and he says so who's the biggest dickhead in a peloton

And I'm sitting there in the middle of what is the president of the United States of America's pool in the middle of Texas. And I'm like, this motherfucker is the most powerful man in the world. And he just wants to know who the biggest dickhead is. This is cowboys and Indians, right? And I'm like, oh, I don't even know how to answer the question. Yeah, you're bringing back memories of Bush now. And yeah.

That's it. I was trying to remember him more fondly. But yeah, and that, unfortunately, I wish I could say, well, you can separate that from the guy who invaded Iraq stupidly. You can't really. You can't. Because that's who that guy is, and that's what that guy is going to do. Don't mess with Texas. Don't forget the influence of Dick Cheney. OK, but that itself is a character flaw. To put your...

country in the hands of somebody else. By the way, Bill, I mean, look, this was 2004. I was the poor sap who had to ride around fucking Europe in a jersey that said the United States Postal Service right after this.

wildly unpopular world wildly right i never thought of that the freedom fries and all the people said i'm riding around in a united states postal service jersey red white and blue let's go dude did they spit on you and like like yell beth not i mean yes is the answer to that but really of course just because you're american

Well, you've got to remember, 2004 was tour number six. So I had a good five plus years of doing my own stupid shit to guarantee that these people were pissed.

And keep in mind, keep in mind, if you're riding around the roads of France during the Tour de France, that doesn't mean it's all French people. No, my biggest rival was German, and my second biggest rival was Italian. We'd go to the Pyrenees. There was a huge team sponsored by the Basque government. They would take over the Pyrenees. So it wasn't like a bunch of French people hating on us. It was Europe hating.

But yeah, 2004 is like, man, they were like, and they knew I had this relationship with the president. So it played into this whole narrative, which is, you know, it just is what it is. And the crazy thing, because as hard as the Europeans tried to bring me down, they never could. It took the Americans. Yes, absolutely.

It took the Americans. Of course. It took the... And the Americans... Yeah, it's always the person closest to you. Yeah, and so... Of course. But hey, it happened, and... Well, this is... Yeah, this country does love the build-em-up, tear-em-down thing.

thing. They just, it's their little Madonna horror complex. I don't get it. But they love both those stories and not much in between. But that's also why they like redemption. Like, you could run for office now, even though it would be unthinkable. That's not going to happen. I'm not suggesting it. And I always try to dissuade celebrities. You know, I'm

I've counseled Mr. The Rock, who thinks he can be president. I'm sure he's a great guy. And I hear him talk about his leadership skills. That's not what matters. And it's not going to help. Yeah, everybody likes your movies, Republicans, Democrats. It has nothing to do with running the world. The fact that you think you can run the world tells me you have terrible judgment.

Because you need to know things, not be taught things on the first day. On the first day, you need to know what's TPP? Right. Where's Chad? Looking around the room like, wait, what just happened? What is reconciliation? Who's the president of India? You know, I could name like 500 things you need to know. It's an actual, you know, calling government service. It's not because the movies have dried up.

It's that time of year for your favorite holiday movies. Maybe yours are It's a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story or maybe Elf. Mine is Bad Santa. To make these holiday classics, it takes a team of talented people from actors to editors to props people, the sound crew and many more. And

And when it comes to building such a team, whether it's for the entertainment industry or a wide range of other industries, you need to hire the right people. The best way to do that is with ZipRecruiter. And right now you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com/random. ZipRecruiter helps you find better employees by using a powerful matching tech and then lets you send them a personal invite to apply for the job.

Make your hiring a little merrier this year with ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try ZipRecruiter for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash random. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash random. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Wives very often don't like me.

Because I never got married, you know. I didn't know that. I just assumed you had a wife and kids. Really? Yeah. I asked Chris when I got here. I was like...

i was like how many how many kids does bill have lance you're not gonna have to admit something you've never once seen my show okay that's okay no hang on we've been down this road before where you lie and then you have to come and then you have to cop to the line i just would be more happy right from the beginning and it's totally okay i i didn't watch all your races i don't watch a lot of tv but i see all the clips look i and i watched the whole jake tapper thing i like this stick

But in watching all the clips, I never caught the clip where you said, I never got married or I never had kids or I hate women or whatever you said. I definitely didn't say I hate women. I know that, but I was...

If I didn't love them so much, I would have gotten married. I see. Yeah. Well, people don't get married either because they don't like women at all or they like them a lot. Right. You know. Yeah. I was just glad, too, that I was – because there was a minute that I thought I was going to be on that show.

Oh, my gosh. I thought I was... Like, how am I going to... On real time. Yeah, the HBO show. Yeah, talking. Yeah, no, no, no. That'd be bad. Well, that's why this is so much fun for me. Yeah. I love your setup. It's amazing. Oh, and I love getting to...

what else would I have the opportunity to get to know you? I mean, I was like, when they told me that you were booked, I was like, oh wow. I was like giddy that day. I was like, that is so cool. We've got Lance Armstrong to come here. Uh, the first man on the moon. Exactly. It's,

Yeah. Do you know that your name does? I agree. This is how famous you were. When they asked the question of... I saw a clip. You guys did a clip. Yes. You asked some chick on the street. It wasn't me. I was showing... I know, but you guys... I said you guys asked some girl on the street. I didn't, but... You said, who was the first man on Mars or the moon? And she said... No, no. Let me tell it. I lived it.

I was there. I wish I was showing a clip from tick tock of a guy who does a man on the street thing, which is a rip off of what Jay Leno used to do. Jay walking. We ask regular people questions that should be common knowledge and it reveals how fucking stupid this country is. OK, so the question was, who was the first man to walk on the sun?

Come on. I swear to God. Somebody did send me this, but I don't remember the son part. And the second part was Lance Armstrong. Of course it was Lance Armstrong. Not only did she not understand the son part, but then gets the name wrong. It's so perfect. So you played a part in history. But yes, your name comes up a lot when that question is asked of Gen Z, who walked on the moon. It makes that whole Icarus thing just even more...

I could see us weaving that into this movie we're going to make with Chris Evans. An Icarus plot, flying too close to the sun. I think that's right. That'd be a good name for a dog. Icarus. I'm looking for dog names now.

Because my dogs are getting very, very old. That's too bad. Gee, Lance. They don't live as long as... You sound so sincere. No, we have a dog. What a guy. No, I know. But I'm sure you've been through when a dog dies. It's the worst, right? I didn't grow up with dogs, but we now have a dog. Well, it's going to die and you're going to be sad. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. I mean, Barbra Streisand cloned her dog.

Do you know that? Was that in her book just now? It is in her book. I'm sure it is. I have not...

read it all, although I read some of it, and it's actually fantastic. But no, she's famous for doing it. I mean, she had a little white ball of fur, and then it's cloned. I mean, it's not a sired animal. It's cloned. So I'm just saying there are options, and I'd like to show you a few brochures. OK.

No. But I'm going to let things happen naturally. By the way, if you could levitate and go pass through that ceiling and go up about 10 feet and then turn around about 10 feet that way, you would see a dog graveyard. Oh, wow. I've personally buried all my dogs that I've had. I have four graves. Whoa. They're bowls. I think I'll-- I'm going to stay down here, if that's all right.

But-- What's in that? Like, now if Lance Armstrong is levitating to the dog grave, what the fuck? But--

You know, their bowls that they use serve as their headstones. Oh, wow. And I personally dug the graves because I find it's very cathartic to dig your own dog's grave. And it's not easy because the dirt is not just-- Right. Yeah, I don't-- There's rocks and roots. By the way, our dog's young. I don't want to think about this. That's OK.

So I've been thinking about the dog names that I want to have them picked out when the new dogs come. Donald. Donald is not one that's on the short list, no. But I like Icarus. That is a cool name for a dog. It was a great documentary. I don't know if you saw the Brian Fogle documentary, Icarus. Well, it won the Academy Award for Best Documentary. About what? About...

oddly enough, this is actually a great backstory, um, about the-- the-- the government-- essentially, the government-sponsored doping program in Russia. - Oh. - So he won the Academy Award probably six or seven years ago. And this guy reached out to me when he first had the idea. This guy, Brian Fogle. - Mm, I see. - Who now has the little fucking statue on his fireplace at home, or wherever the hell, his office or whatever.

This guy calls me and says, "I have this idea. I'm gonna make this documentary. And I'm gonna take all the drugs that you guys supposedly took, and I'm gonna prove that, uh, you can't get caught, right? You can get around it." And I'm like, "This-- I don't-- I don't think I can help you. I think this is a bad idea." Like, I-- And I-- But that's a bit-- He was saying he could beat the test. Yes. And I said, "Who is overseeing this program for you?" And he says,

I have this Russian doctor who, of course, has become who he's become. And at that point, I'm like, okay, this call is over. There's no way you have some doctor guiding you through. He had the actual doctor who was at the heart of it all. It's an amazing doctor. I mean, obviously, it's amazing to win the Academy Award, but the way he sort of came into this story, unbelievable. So can he?

Does he? Can you do that? Yes, you can. He did? Yeah. He was able to mask it completely? It's not so much masking. But you did things. I mean, when you're doing them, you're always doing things to foil the... No. No? Well, in a sense, you would foil the system, but...

What I always said, and I'm not trying to justify anything that I ever said as, you know, as something I would want to repeat again, but one of the lines was, I've never, I've been tested 500 times, I've never failed a drug test. That's not a lie. That is the truth. There was no way around the test. When I pissed in the cup and they tested the piss in the cup, it passed.

Now, the reality and the truth of all of this is some of these substances, primarily the one that is the most beneficial, has a four-hour half-life.

So certain substances, whether it be cannabis or anabolics or whatever, have much longer half-lives, right? You could smoke that joint and go to work driving your tractor or going to whatever in two weeks and test positive because the half-life is much longer. With EPO, which was the rocket fuel that changed not just our sport but every endurance sport, you have a four-hour half-life.

So it leaves the body very quickly. And with a four-hour half-life, you can just do the math. Right. But so, yes, he did it all, and it's an amazing documentary. There must be side effects that EPO has about that...

concerned you about your general health. Ill effects? So there's, look... Nothing. It seems like every time you do anything inside the body, there is some...

aftermath effect downstream. What is it for this one? It can't be, is it completely natural? It can't be. Well, it's not natural, but look, again, just like I'm not a climate specialist, I'm not a doctor. Well, you know a lot about this. I do know a lot about this. And what I would tell you, and I'm not, I hedge a little because of this, I don't want to encourage anybody to do something that they just don't have to do.

But the truth is... The truth is you had a drug that was undetectable, that was wildly beneficial. To recovery? To performance and recovery. Both are important, but primarily to performance. Your top end, when it's time to race, I mean, 10%. Right. 10%. And as we were led to believe, which I don't disagree with, that if taken under the care of a doctor was unlawful,

was safe. That's bullshit because three words, Dr. Conrad Murray. I'm just saying you can have a doctor. There are all sorts of quacks who will sign on to anything, especially for celebrities. So that one means nothing to me. And again, I'm not justifying our usages or anybody's use.

But how do you then understand, right? You go look at a large pool of folks who did, right? So we had thousands of guys in our generation. So if there was-- whatever it was, whether-- Look, the fact that you're sitting here now, all these years later, tells me just on a common sense level, well, it's not that bad. Now, maybe your gallbladder will fall out of your ass in five years.

And then I'll come back and we'll, I'll be, it'll be, I mean, no, but the, the testing pool, so to speak, or the sample pool was large. There were thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of us who made this choice. Again, not justifying that. I feel like we would have started to hear

you know, that people's, what did you just say, fell out of my ass? My gallbladder. My gallbladder. I mean, if that were a thing, that would be a headline. You know, 100 cyclists from the 90s just had their gallbladder fall out of their ass. That's what I'm saying. By now it would. Not after five years. You have to give it some time. But I bet that whatever that shit you were doing hurt you less than the amount of liquor

I was consuming in that era. Because that was my tour de France, was to get from one end of Sunset Boulevard to the next, drinking at every bar. Well, it turns out one of them was banned and one of them wasn't. One of them, you know, you didn't walk around town

around the world telling people that you didn't drink from one end of the sunset together. That's the problem. I'm just saying, when I look back, I realize what you can do to your body changes. It's almost too good when you're in your 20s because you can abuse it so badly and still function and get up the next day. I agree. What you said at the top of the show, I'm with you. I'm not 67, but I'm not far behind. It's

It's, you know... I mean, I had my daughter's 22nd birthday last night. Wow. And, you know, we went down to dinner and having wine. She said, Dad, let's go out. And I'm like, no. No, come on. Like, I would be... I wouldn't have shown up today. It's not the season of your life. I would have had to cancel. Yeah, no. I'm one of my favorite guys. I watch every show. No, I mean, I...

You know, I mean, you can only slow it down. And you can only run so fast from the monster that is always chasing you, which is ill health. And it will catch you at some point. Everybody dies of something. Well, unless AI, that's my big hope. I feel very strong and confident that AI is going to get this done.

this whole death thing it's not going to get the death thing done but it's going to it's going to help let's be optimistic now well let's be optimistic but just how about we just start with like two different types of cancer or two different types of diabetes or two different like it's going to figure it's certainly going to speed that stuff up and this well you we would hope i mean you know my argument are you worried about ai uh i am worried about ai like if you just said okay if if

Just say AI. Does that strike fear, or is that a hopeful thing? It's both. It's the...

Well, which one is more prevalent? Because I'm honest. The honest answer is because I am 67. I am willing to roll the dice on all the bad parts to see if it can. Because it's been a very long time since we declared the war on cancer. And this is part of my argument always when health matters comes up, comes up, especially like recently with the pandemic. And I totally was not on the page of how the government handled it. No.

not being an anti-vaxxer, but there's a lot of open fairway there between anti-vaxxer and just blindly doing what... Oh, shit, I knocked some shit in there. I didn't want to say anything, but I did notice that. Blindly doing whatever the government says. I did notice a few of those things. No, I'm not going to drink ash. I smoke enough of it. But, you know, they just... They cannot...

convince me that it's a good idea to sit there and say, well, you know, we are the government officials or we have the white lab coats. And so we're just saying, do this. Don't ask any questions when you haven't even figured out cancer or Parkinson's or MS or thousands of things. These are way more complicated. What is? Well, just use cancer as an example. I mean, cancer is

I'm just saying, you can't have so many, there can't be so many things in medicine that they either don't know or have reversed themselves on. And then tell me when something new comes along. No debate. If you debate it, then you're going against the science. There is no the in science. We have to always debate it because we don't know and you're not good at it.

You haven't proved yourself to be good at it. Cure cancer and come back and talk to me about blindly following you. You can't even get that one. Well, I might. I would probably defend them a little. You and your ball again. No, no. Just take your ball and go home. It's been 27 years and I'm still sitting here and I feel better than ever. But to that point, cancer is one word.

Cancer is hundreds of diseases. Right. Right? So look, I'm sitting here right now. I'm sure you have an aunt or a neighbor or a friend who's surviving breast cancer or somebody that survived prostate cancer. These are all different diseases. We get tricked by looking at the one word, which is cancer. No, look, I'm very happy. And there will not be a moonshot here. Like nobody's coming in tomorrow going, AI just cured cancer.

cancer well it's not happening we have to go disease by disease by disease okay but that is no I I don't think that's uh quite as pessimistic as you painted I think that yeah that AI could do that well that would be great yeah it would definitely be great I don't see why it couldn't if it if it is at this level where it yeah but you know we don't know but I definitely think that that's

something to have a lot of hope for, 'cause I don't mind dying, I just don't wanna be the last guy who didn't benefit from the cure for death. You know, like, "Oh, if we did this one day earlier, we could've saved Bill Maher, but he died and then we got the cure on a Thursday." Oh, fuck. You know what I mean? God. Have you tracked the Captagon thing? -Captagon, what's that? -Exactly.

What is Captagon? Look it up. I'll send you an article. I can't now. Just tell me. So Captagon, and I didn't, just so you know, I didn't know what Captagon was until about a month ago, and I did a workout with

this author who's really good, a guy named Michael Easter. He wrote "The Comfort Crisis" and just has a new book out. So we did a workout in Austin, and he was telling me about researching for the new book and how he had gone-- he went to Baghdad to research

the use of Captagon. And I said, "What the fuck is Captagon?" Meanwhile, everybody listening is like Googling. Um... And so... Captagon is-- They call it sort of a poor man's cocaine. It's a mix between meth and coke.

They found the Captagon pills or tablets on a lot of the, some of the Hamas guys that got killed, they had them in their pockets. Oh yeah, speed. But it's more than, but there's something about it. And so as Syria fell, then what's-his-face went in and took over all the pharmaceutical companies. Syria is basically a narco state now, and they're making Captagon pills.

And all these Hamas guys that went across there, as was the case back in Iraq and et cetera with ISIS, they were taking Captagon. Can you get some? No. I don't want to. I just never tried that one. What time is it? It's time for me to pee. No, I'm not done yet. I had a few more questions.

I want a little credit when that Chris Evans movie comes out. By the way, who the fuck is Chris Evans? Who's Chris Evans? Never heard of Chris Evans. I don't watch stuff. He's a big movie star. He is? Yes, he's Captain America. No, no, no.

At Grand Canyon University, we believe in equal opportunity and the American dream starts with purpose. Whether your pursuit involves a bachelor's, master's, or doctoral degree, GCU's learning environments are designed for supportive networking and collaboration. With over 330 academic programs, GCU provides a path to help you fulfill your dreams.

The pursuit to serve others is yours. Find your purpose at GCU. Private. Christian. Affordable. Visit gcu.edu.