Deep Dive: Why Have Them If You Won’t Raise Them?
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Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive podcast. How would your baby rate your job performance if she could? My listener, Kim Holtz.

sent me this thought-provoking email about parenting. She wrote, when talking to women about leaving children to return to work, most comments are from a mother's perspective. I kept thinking, well, what about the child's perspective? So I did a job performance review and evaluation as though it were from the baby. And here it goes. Attendance.

Out of a 14-hour workday, the hours I'm awake, you are someplace else for nine hours. That leaves precious little time for me and the job I hired you to do before I have to go to bed attitude. In the mornings, you are in a rush and don't have time to cuddle or play. My breakfast is usually simple and hurried.

In the evenings when you are actually here on the job, you're tired from whatever you did before you picked me up. And you are often preoccupied with other things when we're together. I need a mom who's focused and has a good attitude. I need smiles and cuddles and warmth and lots of leisurely time with you. Achievement. I am depending on you to help my brain grow and develop.

Since you're not with me, others who have different ideas and values from you fill in the gap. The person I spend most of my time with and learn from should be my mommy. But sadly, you're not here to do it. Overall performance. You are failing in the job of being my mother. You may have hired the best nanny or taken me to the best daycare, but being my mom is your job.

Most of how I will be for the rest of my life will be built in the first five years. I want you with me for my waking hours, which are so very important for how I will live and enjoy the rest of my life. Your boss would have no choice but to give you a below average review if you were absent from your job for most of the workday. You can't be proficient at anything if you're not physically there doing it, including mothering.

Your job as a mom is to nurture and to love and to pay attention to your kids. It's especially important for you to be there in the first three to five years of their lives as their brains are laying down synapses and they start to understand the world. If you're not there to do it, the whole concept of mothering is frankly out the door. There was a time when hiring employees to take care of children was a choice of the elite generation.

who frankly didn't want to be bothered with mothering, or the struggling parent who needed to work in order to survive. These days, and for many decades now, families often make the choice to have both parents work. When I took this call from Andrea, she was overwhelmed and unhappily working full-time to save money for a dream home. Andrea, welcome to the program. Good morning, Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call this morning.

You're welcome. I've been a longtime listener. However, I have had some changes in the last five, six years with my routine. And so I unfortunately haven't had the opportunity to listen to your advice and recently stumbled again upon your channel. And I was like, oh, I could really use some guidance right now. So thank you again. We also have podcasts so you could listen to calls whenever. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a good reminder. I need to keep that handy. Okay. What can I help you with? Thank you. Well, you know, in the last five years, I became a mom. I'm 39 years old. And at the time, I had a job that provided me a lot of flexibility. I was home half the time. I was making decent living, et cetera. Unfortunately, my job had some changes where I was displaced for two

For 10 months, I was at home with my five-year-old and my three-year-old, and I got to say they were the best 10 months of my life. I was finally super hands-on with them. I didn't have an email to take me away from being present with them.

However, in December of last year, I was looking at openings and I just applied thinking nothing's going to come of it. Long story short, and we at the time to my husband and I were motivated to try to buy a home to get ourselves settled into the new city that we had just we had recently moved from Texas to California. And

And wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, my God. How much do I have to scream to get you to stop? You tell me that concerned about finances, you moved to California. What are you both smoking some funny dope in Texas?

No, the timing was we were struck with not some great timing. We got transferred over. My husband's job moved us to California before I was notified. No, he accepted a job to move to California where wherever he was paid with our tax rate here, he made less probably take home. I can't believe anybody moved to California on purpose. Yeah.

Okay. Well, we're from California, so we have lots of family and friends, and this is the lifestyle that... Crazy. Being in Texas, that was no way of living. I know, but we are happier here. That's no question about that. Okay. Well, then don't complain about the money, and you're not... I was going to say it, but I won't. I'll let you say it. Go ahead. So last year, as I said, I got a job.

um however it's a role that does not provide a lot of work-life balance i am in an office five days a week and so we're at a position now where we're really trying to decide do i continue to work until we can no of course not you're a mother of course not yeah i mean i don't even understand why this is even a thought

Do you really think that anybody can substitute for the love and responsiveness and attention and warmth of a mother? And do you think that at the age of your children, that doesn't matter? Their brains are still developing. Their brains are not done. So all the laying down of new synapses, et cetera, and the learning is happening in a context. And if the context isn't somebody who would die for them,

How do you think their brain turns out differently? Seriously. Doesn't anybody study this stuff? They just talk about jobs? Yeah. You're needed and you can't be replaced. You can be replaced five minutes ago in any job you take. True. It's true.

It's true. And I get mixed up thinking, okay, we want to provide that forever home for our family, but I'm missing out. Again, your kids don't care what their address is. Your kids don't care about their address. They don't care if it's a house, a condo, a rented guest cottage. They don't care. Okay. Thank you. Why do adults think kids care? They don't.

They want love and attention and warmth and support and fun. Yeah, being present. Yes. And they grow up extremely fast. In five years, I can't believe I already have a five-year-old. When you used to listen to the show, what percentage of people, this is rhetorical, don't answer it, what percentage of people blamed their current state of mind on their early childhood? That's how important it is. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good point. Good reminder. I mean, if you were your kid's age, do you want to be raised by a nanny, a daycare, a babysitter, or you as a mommy? Yeah, me, 100%. Well, there you are then. There is no thought here. You married a man. His job is to provide and protect. Let him do it. And he's extremely supportive. I'm the one that I'm like, well, let me get that house first. But

Time is ticking. Yes, and you can't get it back. I can wait, but this time I cannot get back. None of it. And there's a price to pay. When I first started in radio and I was on late at night on, where was I? KFI. I was on late at night and I got a call from a mother. It was like 11 o'clock at night. All upset that she works full time and the little baby-toddler somewhere in that

was calling the nanny mom. And I said, because she's performing the job, you're not. You made a choice. Yeah. It's something that it hasn't felt right since I've been back at work and everything's just been temporary. But now it's just making that decision to let go of this role because I've got to keep my priorities. And I don't want to have regrets in 15 years thinking I was in the office. I didn't raise my kids for what? So.

Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate that you called. Excuse me. I have to take a break. My baby needs mommy's love. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

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Dr. Laura's Much Deeper Deep Dive Podcast. Children deserve to be put first. They are not supposed to be fit around their mommy's and daddy's more important schedules. And as I said to Andrea, your kids don't care about the dream home. They care about being with their loving mommy, and they desperately need you in those early formative years. It is wonderful when I hear from young women who seem to actually be putting thought

and planning into their marriage and motherhood. When I spoke with Megan, she had just started a new job and was wondering if she should wait to get pregnant. Our conversation is the message I wish all women could hear before they take on the job of mommy.

Megan, welcome to the program. Hi, how are you? Good, thank you. What's up? I just had a question. I'm recently married. It's been a year now. Congratulations. Thank you. My husband and I are both 30 years old, and we're ready for a family.

But I recently, I've worked at the same place of employment for six years and recently just got a new job closer to home within the last two months. So I just wanted to know if there was an appropriate time to wait before becoming pregnant when starting a new career. New job, it's the same career, sorry. Well, let me just ask you what turns out to be a delicate question these days. I know. Okay.

Are you going to raise this child yourself? Or are you going to institutionalize it in daycare? I plan on... That's a good question. I would like to do it myself, yes.

I want to know what your plan is. Do you plan to be there and nurture and love your child yourself? Or do you plan to hand this nascent human being over to hired help? I just want to know. Because I need to know that. It would be a grandparent. It would be a grandparent. The answer to your question is have your tubes tied.

Okay. Thank you very much. I just want to understand something because you ladies at your age, I don't get you. Why do you think you can be replaced as a mother, but you get pissy if your husband's a gruesome other woman?

No, really. Think about it. You think an innocent newborn child can be held and loved by anybody or not paid that much attention to in daycare, what have you. But if your husband wants to screw some other broad, there you think you're unreplaceable. Why? I think that's a good point. So the answer to your question is tie your tubes. If you don't actually want to be a mother,

Any animal can drop offspring. I'd like you to be more than that. I'd like you to actually be a mother because your child benefits. Ask any third grade teacher if they can tell if the baby was raised by a mom or not. Now, let me add something else. Okay. Unless you're a piece of crap as a mother, in which case we got to get the kid away from you. So that is my one caveat. Yes. Okay.

But why would you want to turn your baby over to anybody? I would never want to do that. It would just be a financial thing, and I know what you're going to say to that. Then you don't have a baby if you can't parent it. Right. So the answer is, if you married a man who can't support you, or if you have chosen a lifestyle that he can't support you, then you have to think about changing your lifestyle dramatically so you can actually be a mother.

Because that little child, from the day it's born, remembers your voice, your feel, your smell, everything.

And the feedback from you sets the whole, because you have to understand a baby is born with its brain not being finished, which is why it can't sit up and play cards. Right. So the brain cells are connecting and they connect in a context. And the context is their environment. Their environment is who's loving them, who's holding them, who's making faces at them, who's giggling with them, who's flipping them around. All of that helps the baby feel connected.

secure, safe, loved, and sets them up for the rest of their lives and being able to have healthy relationships. How many people do you know who have healthy relationships at all? You probably don't know many people who have healthy marital relationships because in your generation,

You were not brought up mostly by mothers, coherent mom and dad families, and it shows because you guys and gals don't know how to be married. So you have to think that the feminist movement that told you every day in subtle ways that you were wasted as a mother and the only real meaning and power you have is as a worker bee or a worker ant and you shouldn't rely on a man,

destroyed your potential kid's ability to have all from you that he or she needs. So you need to fight against the subtle stuff that you have been brainwashed with and realize that you can't be replaced as a mother. You can't. Nobody can do it like you can. Because there's something special about a mother's love. Okay, I appreciate that. Don't think you can be replaced. You can't. You're too important.

You're too special. Don't buy it. Thank you. You're welcome. You hear this a lot, working mothers telling themselves and others that quality time is more important than quantity time, to which I respond, there is no quality without quantity. Angela was a new listener when she heard me speaking about the importance of full-time moms, and she called in for some clarification. Angela, welcome to the program. Thank you so much for taking my call, Dr. Lohr. I appreciate it. Thank you.

My question for you is really a follow-up to a show that I was listening to a couple weeks ago, and I do have to preface this question slash conversation with I'm relatively new to listening to you. And you were having a conversation about children in daycare. And from what I was gathering, you're not a fan, and you had talked about teachers who can

point out kids that have been in daycare right away and that sort of thing. I'm a working professional mother of two children, one who has been through daycare and is incredibly well adjusted and another one who is three years old right now. And I just wanted to know why you feel that way and what you propose for options for moms who do work either out of necessity or desire. And am I ruining my kids?

I once was up in front of 5,000 women in front of some women's conference thing. And somebody from the back of the room jumped up and, not nice like you, ferociously attacked me on my position of daycare. So this is what I did. I said, I'd like you to stand up, 5,000 women, if you all died in the next five minutes and got recycled and came back as a baby, would you choose a daycare, nanny, babysitter,

over a loving, attentive mother nurturing, hugging, holding, and cooing at you all day. Stand up if you'd rather have the daycare. Nobody got up. So that's the answer to your question. We inherently know what's best, but we like to make excuses because of what we want. And when somebody can't do the right thing, we're supposed to consider it a tragedy. We're not supposed to consider it an equal alternative.

So when you ask me what I would say to women who can't, I would say most of them are lying and haven't thought it through. The ones who wish to have their career and rob their kids of love all day, a pox on them. That that's actually their desire and their choice. It's a pox. 5,000 women, nobody got up. The old Donahue show, God, 30 something years ago, that was the first time I did that.

I was being interviewed about my book, 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Their Lives, and daycare was not even in the book. But obviously one of the producers, with their three-by-five cards that they give the TV hosts who never read the books, told them to ask me this question. And number one, I said, it's not in the book, but I'd like to ask your audience. And I did the same thing. Stand up. If you're dead in the next five minutes and you'd come back, do you want to be raised alive?

by a nanny, a daycare, or babysitter instead of a loving, attentive, cooing mom. Stand up. Nobody got up. Nobody wanted that for themselves. So there must be some value in everybody's mind for what a loving mother means. Oh my gosh. I haven't heard a coo. Two minutes. I better go check. I'll be right back. Dr. Laura's Deep Dive. Deep Dive Podcast.

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I find mothers who choose to work full-time to be neglectful and abandoning. The whole point of parenting a human being is to be its primary influence.

to nurture, protect, love, touch, talk. You're not just there to do maintenance. That baby needs you. Why is it so many people don't seem to understand? They've bought the feminist lie that it really doesn't matter if you spend most of your baby's waking hours with him or if you just hire somebody else to do that part.

For some reason, women have been willing to believe that it doesn't matter who's taking care of their human child. Like it's fully formed, just small, and will grow into whatever it's supposed to be, no matter what environment it's in. That is just not so. Turns out the first three years are extremely important. It's best that the caretaker be mom, unless mom is incompetent or dangerous.

Babies come from your body, women, and they're nurtured and taught and influenced by their relationship with you. Your child's ability to love, trust, and feel secure in the world, the comfort they have with themselves, primarily comes from the relationship with mommy. There's a lot more that goes into developing into a human relationship.

than just being fed and being watched. You cannot be replaced in the heart and mind of your child, as this sweet email from a Dr. Laura listener reminds us. Hello, Dr. Laura. My name is Theodore, and I am seven and a half months old. I have been listening to your show since I was still an egg. Last week, my mommy had you on in the car, and I heard you talk about daycare.

I don't know what daycare is. So I said, gee, ah. Luckily, Mommy understood that I was asking what daycare is. I couldn't believe when she explained it to me. I asked if we could do some research to figure out how much daycare costs. So Mommy and I were determined last week full-time daycare would have cost us parent and me swim class with both Mommy and Daddy, elephant musical light show, morning snuggle in bed with Mommy and Daddy,

Three FaceTime calls with grandma. Four walks. Four trips to the swings. Four times being comforted by mommy with a snuggle in the rocking chair. Six book readings. Six times zooming around the kitchen in my baby walker. Seven trips out to the store. Ten nursing sessions. Ten snuggles, yes. Twelve playtimes with my own toys. Fourteen naps in my own crib.

20 hugs, 29 giggles, 58 kisses from mommy, 3,000 missed minutes. As you can see, daycare is too expensive for me and my parents. Thank you for all the work you do to keep babies like me out of daycare. It's priceless. Love, Theodore. I posted Theodore's email on Facebook after reading it on air a while back, and it predictably generated lots of responses.

I like this one in particular from Carrie, who said, After doing the math and listening to Dr. Laura, I decided to stay home with my six-month-old daughter. Turns out we actually saved money, and I was way less stressed. Of all the things we can give our children, attention is what they most need and want. If you need and want support for your decision to become a full-time mom, get my book, In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms.

You can find it at drlaura.com or a favorite book retailer. Now, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. Hey.

Fourth of July savings are here at the Home Depot. So it's time to get your grilling on. Pick up the Traeger Pro Series 22 pellet grill and smoker now on special buy for $389 was $549. Smoke a rack of ribs or bacon apple pie. This grill is versatile enough to do it all. This summer, no matter how you like your steaks, your barbecues are guaranteed to be well done. Celebrate Fourth of July with fast free delivery on select grills right now at the Home Depot. It's up to you availability.