Evan Has To Contend With a Major Red Flag
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Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Evan, welcome to the program. Hey, Dr. Laura. Thanks for taking my call. I love your show. Been listening for several years. Thank you. What's up? Hey, so my wife and I, we got engaged last...

this past Thanksgiving and we've never lived together and we just moved into a house two weeks ago and we love it. Everything's been great and one of the best things about us is I think the way we can, we're able to communicate and talk to each other but since moving in it kind of feels like, you know, small things

butt heads a little so I was just kind of seeking advice please give me a short examples of butting heads small things tell me about the small things like when we're putting stuff away deciding where we want things to go how we're going to set up you know a room or dishes things like that if there's a disagreement let me give okay let me take let me take each thing at a time okay

When people would come in for couples therapy, one of the things I would ask, who does this matter to the most? Where things go. Where when you get things, what closet, what shelf, who cares more? And usually there's one person who's just a little OCD and it does matter more to them, in which case let them do it because they're OCD and will never calm down. The thing about joining lives with somebody else is you've got to let a lot of stuff go.

Or are you going to be butting heads all the time because there's infinite small things? So if the two of you are both OCD and it matters where things are, this is a marriage that's not going to work. Gotcha.

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each other's faces. She does a lot of artwork. She wanted this room to be her art area and then she wanted to change the dining room into another room and she was kind of saying what she wanted and it

I took it a little bit as, well, where's my space? Do I only get the garage? Because I like to do some different things outside and stuff. And it didn't cause a huge conflict. Okay, let's do one thing at a time. Okay, it's very reasonable to say to her.

Maybe we didn't buy the right house. I didn't know in advance that you wanted to take a bedroom or living room and dining room and turn them into art rooms. Maybe we bought the wrong house. And she will say, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And then you will say, I'm okay with you taking a room and making it an art room. You understand the garage is going to be my man cave, but it's unacceptable to use the dining room. I want there to be neutral places in the home that...

that are for when we have company, for when we have a nice dinner. So I'm good with the room. I'm not good with the dining room. In other words, act like a man and make the line in the sand. We women will take over the whole house if you're going to be that passive and only think about what you want. Then we will take over your life. And then in five years, you're going to think of divorce.

One of the reasons I think you're doing things in the wrong order, you never should have bought a house and moved in together. The whole point of getting engaged is not just to plan the wedding. It's to discuss everything. In-laws, traveling, vacation, babies, who's going to raise them, schools, where we're going to live. All of these things. Do you believe in vaccines? Everything. Religion. Are we going to go to a synagogue or a church? How are we bringing up the kids? I bet you...

You guys have not had serious talks about each and every one of those things. What kind of food are we going to eat? Who's going to do the cooking? Who's going to clean? You know, shacking up, which is what you're doing now, is not the same thing as making a commitment after pure knowledge so that you're not surprised. Given time, we women will rule you and the house.

historically, genetically. That's how it goes. So if you've been living by yourself and making up your own things, you have to understand when you're married to a woman, everything changes and you have to acknowledge that. But if you're going to be passive and not speak up and just talk to your friends about it or only call me, this is not going to work. Now that you already bought a house together and that's a big financial thing.

It makes it hard to discuss all of these things because what if you get to the end of these discussions and realize not the life you want. And the things you discussed before you moved in together were relatively inconsequential. So when you tell me you didn't butt heads then, it was relatively inconsequential. Right. So I suggest you inform her that you want to be able to adjust things

to sharing lives and preferences and determinations and what have you before the wedding, I suggest that's a very smart thing for you to do to go into some counseling, premarital counseling, to make sure you can talk through these things. Because if you can't, and then you have two kids, and then you divorce, I'm going to pinch your head off. So I'm begging you, tell her, don't ask her, that you're going into premarital counseling.

It's really important that you not be afraid of your wife. Those marriages don't work well.

The women end up being unhappy because they'd rather have, they like being in control, but they'd rather have an alpha dude. And you're just going to go into a reset center on the wall. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the Dr. Laura stamp of approval. Visit drlaura.com. Click on sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners like you.

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