How Can I Light My Wife's Fire?
09:00 Share

Welcome to Birch Lane, where you can find a fresh take on classic furniture and decor. Every piece is handpicked and crafted to last for years to come. At Birch Lane, you can explore everything from outdoor sets to living room furniture and everything in between. And get fast, free shipping. It's classic style for joyful living. Shop now at birchlane.com.

Thanks for listening to my call of the day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5 p.m. Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Ryan, welcome to the program. Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call. You're very welcome. How can I help?

Okay, I am happily married for 22 years. We have three children that are doing great. We're 48 years old. About a year ago, my wife started, or perimenopause began.

And it has changed our relationship. And she's experienced symptoms like hot flashes and tossing and turning to sleep and feeling itchy in her own skin and things of that nature. But things like maybe a little more impatient than normal. But what the change to our relationship is that we have never had before is a change

disinterest from her end of intimacy. It has almost completely vanished. And so it's been sort of jarring in a way to, because we have such a great

marriage overall, just I'm very happy with everything. And so what would maybe be one to two times a week is now one to two times per month. And if I would initiate, I don't know, 60 or 70% of the time, normally prior to now, it's 100% of the time. And

I don't want her to do something she's not, doesn't want to do. And the feeling for me has been, I felt rejected 70 or 80% of the time. So I've tried to have a lot of grace and patience. I've read things online about, you know, be patient, be supportive. And I want to do all of those things. I love and respect her tremendously.

But it's also been sort of hard. And I've tried to even like test, like I will initiate and she'll kind of just say she's not, it doesn't feel like it doesn't feel great or maybe not, maybe tomorrow kind of thing. And so I'll try to say, okay, I'm,

I'm always ready or I'm ready when you are, or you just let me know and I'll be there. So, but then that hasn't seemed to come. Um, I tried this little test of, okay, let me not pursue or initiate at all and see how long this goes. And it went for like three weeks, which

which again was I desire her and have, and she has always reciprocated. That has been very easy for us in our marriage until now. And I finally caved in after about three weeks of that test of one morning, I had a dentist appointment late in the morning and the kids were off at school and

I worked from home before going downtown to my office after the appointment. And we were alone for about an hour and a half. And I made a pass of, this is so nice to both be home without the kids and just the two of us here.

would you like to hang out upstairs in the bedroom? And that's kind of code for making a move. And she kind of said, maybe I've got, I need to go to the grocery store and get my nails done, but maybe. And so my heart sank because she,

wasn't seemingly that interested and to do two things that could really be done any time we had food we weren't going to starve if we didn't go to the grocery store that day or obviously that afternoon or the next day yeah obviously that was not the reality of what was happening i don't have her here i don't want to be a jerk and for i understand all right i okay let me help okay

Fourth of July savings are here at the Home Depot, so it's time to get your grilling on. Pick up the Traeger Pro Series 22-Pellet Grill and Smoker, now on special buy for $389, was $549. Smoke a rack of ribs or bacon apple pie, this grill is versatile enough to do it all. This summer, no matter how you like your steaks, your barbecues are guaranteed to be well done. Celebrate Fourth of July with fast, free delivery on select grills right now at the Home Depot. It's up to you to availability.

Let's say your small business has a problem. Like maybe one of your doggy daycare customers had an accident. You might say something like, Doggone it! Hi, Chihuahua! Holy schnauzers! But if you need someone who can actually help, just say, Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there! And get help filing a claim from your local State Farm agent. For your small business insurance needs, like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!

Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nelson Report.

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers. You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills...

Wait, did I say job title yet? Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started at linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. One of the things I'd like you to stop doing is waiting to have sex. But I'd like you to say, you know what? This menopause thing has really been tough on you. Let me give you a back rub.

This menopause thing has been tough on you, and then you don't have to say that, but you say, you know, let me wash your hair. Let's go into the shower. I'm going to wash your hair. No funny business. In other words, you start doing all of these sensual things without pushing for sex at all. And it is amazing how that changes people both ways to have them take the guard down because she's got a guard up. It doesn't feel well.

She just doesn't feel well. Okay. So I'd like you to do sensual. So give her a back rub or a foot massage without pushing for something. No sex. No sex. Okay. Even if you're going to explode. Yeah, no sex. Sometimes it feels that way. Foot massages. Yeah, I'm sure it does. Foot massages are very sexy. Just things like that.

Massage your hands. She likes manicures. Massage your hands. And she'll say, why are you doing this? And say, you know, I just you've you do so much. I just wanted to be good to you. So it helps her attitude tremendously. But don't do this day after day. Spread it out. And then wait for her to show interest in the next step.

Well, you know, there'll be a point where you're rubbing her back and then you're rubbing the back of her legs. And what's in between her back and her legs? Got it. And it's not unusual for women to get aroused by that. It's like foreplay to the nth degree. Now, here's the corollary. And you're not going to like this one. But I did a lot of sex therapy with people and

Truthfully, this always worked. Even if she turns over and says, okay, I'm ready, and say, you know, I just wanted to be close. Just wanted to make you feel good. People are very hungry for what they're not getting. Right. So we want to pick up her appetite. Now, is she getting any hormone replacement therapy or anything like that? She is and has been speaking to her primary care physician about it all and has like an estrogen patch that is supposed to help.

I don't see a lot of results of that, but I am very sympathetic to what she's going through and have the utmost respect for her. So I'm just trying to make sure I'm not being a jerk through this. Well, do what I'm telling you to do. Just do it. Every few days, do something sensual like that. Hey, honey, let me rub your feet.

Got it. Okay. Thank you so much. So go get, you know, the oils and stuff for feet and hands and backs. Go get that massage kind of stuff. All right? Just accumulate it all. This stuff works very well. My number, I remember before menopause, which I didn't go into. I was closing in on 60 before. But...

I read these books on what was going to happen, and I thought, I should just jump off a bridge. I don't want to go through this list of things they're explaining. Believe it or not, didn't have one symptom, none. Meanwhile, my bestest, bestest friend, we'd just be sitting there looking at each other, and her face would spring water like a fountain. And she'd go, you're not getting hot flashes? No, I obviously give them. You're getting it. I must be giving them. A lot of women go through hell.

I don't know who planned that out, but all right. My number, 1-800. I don't know. It's like punishment. You live long enough and boom, we're going to take a few years out of your life and torture you. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos, and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you've sent me to.

There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com slash drlaura and instagram.com slash drlauraprogram.

Fourth of July savings are here at the Home Depot, so it's time to get your grilling on. Pick up the Traeger Pro Series 22-Pellet Grill and Smoker, now on special buy for $389, was $549. Smoke a rack of ribs or bacon apple pie, this grill is versatile enough to do it all. This summer, no matter how you like your steaks, your barbecues are guaranteed to be well done. Celebrate Fourth of July with fast, free delivery on select grills right now at the Home Depot. It's up to availability.